Missing The Girls

When you live with two little girls for a year and a half, you grow attached to them. When you put two little girls to bed every night, do their homework, tell you that you love them, fix their boo boos, and take care of them, then you're suddenly out of their life, you have a big hole in your heart.

I still have that hole. Tears are in my eyes as I write this, as I was never able to say goodbye to my girls. That hurts.

The oldest girl and I hit it off from the start. She was quite shy at first, but I pulled her out of her shell and watched her blossom into a beautiful girl that was confident and assertive. It took time, but she was really growing. She used to sit with me and look at my face, every inch of it, and say things like 'your nose hair is getting long.' We'd laugh together, and I'd tickle her. She never had a man to pick and prod over, ask questions like the one about my nose hair, and just be loved unconditionally.

Pure love. All I ever wanted to give them. Pure love.

The younger one was a little different. Three years younger than her sister, she was more guarded, but she was warm to me by the end. At night, she would wait for me to come home and tuck her in before going to sleep when I was with my kids. I was able to show her how she could trust me, that I was consistent, and that I was there for her.

Then I was gone. I haven't seen them since September.

We'd also do other family things, like bike around, walk the dog and go sledding in the winter. The blended family did lots of things such as go biking, skiing, hiking, take vacations, go out at night and tell ghost stories...you name it. They were tight and they stuck together.

The girls integrated well with my kids. Kate, again, had her first interactions with boys, and it was special for her. She would buddy around with either boy, depending on the timing. She would also pal around with Erin. Erin and Gracie became tight and the girls called each other sisters and best friends.

God, my heart is broken. I miss them. Those are two of the most wonderful girls in the world. They have so much promise, I loved being in their lives and caring for them.

Don't ever get involved with someone who's unstable for these reasons. The loss is quite a bit more than just her if you're in my situation. I now need to take care of my own first and foremost, but I wish that I could care for them as well. In their situation, it becomes all about their mother, not them. Kate will end up growing up feeling like she's 'caring' for her mother, and she may harbor resentment when she gets older.

No matter what, she doesn't have to grow up like that yet. When I was there, she was able to let go and be a little girl. It was wonderful watching her throw a temper tantrum to see who would pay attention. I laughed one time watching it.

She can't do those things anymore, because she now has to care for her mother's emotional state.

Yet another shame.