Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Chaos Continues

Yesterday, she calls a counselor that we both saw together and apart -- she tells them that she fears for her safety.

This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.

Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.

My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.

I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.

I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.

Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.

She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.

Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.

I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.

That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.

The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.

I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.

I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.

Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change

I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.

On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.

What a shame.

Upward and onward.

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