God I Miss It Still

After saying my goodbyes, sending my goodbye note and going through my goodbye ceremony, it feels like it could come back together. I don't think it can, but I think that it's the feign that happens before we finally say goodbye for good.

This is a shame, that I think like that, but I don't believe that she has what it takes to put it back together. I don't know if I have what it takes. It's so painful without her, but I don't think being with her would be better. It would be back to turmoil. No way to deal with that either -- if she refuses counseling, then there's nothing I can do.

This could just be a quick reminisce session, I don't know. There's a part of me that feels like I could put it back together. I know that I'm up for the challenge, but is it what I want? This would be my life -- there would be a large chance of divorce, a large chance that we'd be back apart in a short period of time, and I'd pull lots in -- our kids in particular.

I miss the good times. We were so good together, when we were together and we her paranoia didn't set in. We were so good together. We were so good together when it was us and we were working together. I loved it when we were firing on all cylinders.

She hasn't turned anything bad yet, but if there's a time to turn it bad and see my responses, now's the time. We'll see if she turns it bad or not. I'm holding my breath.

God I miss what we had. I can't imagine myself back there though. I can't imagine it at all. That's the freaky thing though. It would be a completely different world for the two of us.

It's a long shot. A real long shot. Not sure what's right now, but I feel...strange about it all.

Going to continue on my path. Keep going to the gym, working on me and the kids. Not sure what to do. Can't go back to the world like it was before, but want to go back to the good parts of that world.