Friday, February 12, 2010

Do Borderlines Think About Their Partners After The Relationship Ends?







I thought about this quite a lot when I first got out of the relationship with the BPD. I was so hurting, so lonely, so sad, so scared.

I was lost.

We had something so special, so amazing, so incredible...I was going to marry her, but it never got better.

So I had to go. Then I thought that she would finally get it when I moved out.

She didn't. Shortly after I moved out (about 2 months), she told me that she wouldn't trust me anymore and was gone.

We talked once or twice, but she had split and I was all baaaaad...she told me how she had to move on without me, and, well, you know the story.

Moving On
They say that borderlines don't think about their old partners after they have broken up. They say that the borderline will not go back once they've moved on, they won't think about them at all. Most experts agree that this is how the borderline acts. David discusses this in his recent post.

Many borderlines have written to me and told me otherwise. BPDs need to protect themselves, more than the normal person. Their problem is that they create a situation where they can't go back.


Think about this -- if someone says that they are a victim of you, how can they go back to you? Going back to you shows that they are completely weak and devoid of any self worth. Therefore, they must have you come back to them. It's difficult for the Non, but this is how the BPD fills their well of self-worth. I remember my exBPD saying about a past boyfriend, "he begged me to come back to him...he brought me a bouquet of roses and everything..."

Oooooh! Roses make me fall to my knees and go crawling back to abusers...

Sorry, I digress. The borderline is so vulnerable and loathes themselves so much that they create a scenario where they were a victim to the non. Because of this, they set the stage where they simply cannot go back. They will not go back.

My exBPD would kick me out of her house then ask me to come back to get some of my stuff. When I would, she would Hoover me back in, and I would not leave. This happened multiple times. In the borderline's eyes, I came back to her, although she asked me to come over and get some things.

The Verdict Is...
Borderlines are people, like you and me. They may have underdeveloped parts of their brains or they may be super-sensitive to certain stimuli because of their immaturity. They still recognize long-term relationships and miss them dearly.

Three months after the BPD and I split, I put a goodbye letter in her mailbox, along with a Valentines Day card (that I did not fill out or sign -- I was such a freak--it was three weeks after Valentines Day). This started email and text message conversations where the BPD told me that she never stopped loving me and missed me dearly. However, on one instance in our exchange, she did the Borderline Vengeance Switch, and I backed off. I would not go back to her if she did not ask me to come back and admit what she had done. She wanted me to beg her to come back, and too much had gone down for me to try to beg my way back. I knew her pattern and would not succumb to it.

Three months later, the police called me and said that she had accused me of hacking onto her photo website -- something I never would have done, but she wanted me to prove my innocence to her.

They think about you, even if they don't admit it. Inside, the borderline is a lonely, scared little girl (or boy), so scared that they don't show their true feelings or emotions to anyone, even themselves.

Feel bad for them.

19 comments:

  1. I tried to go back to my ex BP partner and we couldn't make it work. At first she was open to getting back together, but she kept having moments where she could not let go of past hurts and misunderstandings. The "vengenance switch" keeps on activating.

    I think what actually prevents her from moving forward are her friends. While we were apart she played the victim to her friends and I went from being viewed as mr. perfect to mr. horrible. Anytime she would start to let her true desires and love bubble up, she would push them back, bring up the past and start raging again.

    I think that she had made me look so bad to her friends that she wouldn't be able to save face unless "I did something extraordinary to prove myself". Well it took her a long time to tell me what that was, but just last week she called me up, drunk at 2 pm, and told me that something extraordinary would be for me to "kiss her bottom". I allready treated her like a queen!!

    I know that she regrets the loss of our relationship and I know that she is a hurting soul, but "kissing bottom" isn't a relationship and, for me, nothing healthy could have come of it.

    Her self esteem is so fragile that it is pretty much impossible for her to take me back. It is just like you stated, the victim scenario she set up is such where it is impossible for her to go back, even if I'm the one that comes back to her.

    I have spent the past six months trying to get back with and be supportive of my ex BP partner, but I don't see how I can go on this way. Even though I understand her pain and her desperation, I can't seem to help being affected by her rages. Each time she rages I find myself getting better at validating her feelings and staying calm, but she doesn't stop and each time I end up fighting depression after the rage.

    What I find sad here is that there is inner beauty in this woman and she is afraid to be herself and let it out. Instead she has to control her life and her image so that she gives off a certain appearance. Her friends come and go. The one's she is putting on a show for now will not be there one day and she never will get the love that she longs so much for.

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  2. I was with a BPD man for 3 1/2 years, he was also an alcoholic. I didn't know he had BPD until after the last break-up of many 8 weeks ago. There is no going back now that I know what I was in and how I was suckered into the relationship time and again. Yes, I thought he was my soulmate, we had so much in common, had a lot of fun times, loved a lot of the same things. But I walked on eggshells, was raged at, called names, conversations were twisted into something unrecognizable to things I never said, and the whole time I thought 'its JUST alcoholism". He did quit drinking 2 times for months each time, and I went to alanon meetings to deal with his alcoholism, although he would never go to AA. He also has cut out his family, and all friends, was sexually promiscuous, cheated on me and later admitted to it. It did get better when he quit drinking so I still though it was just the drinking causing all these problems. Now I know better. Its been hard, these past 2 months, no closure, an insane breakup but now that I know what I was really in, and why, I have been healing, and learning what about ME allowed ME to stay in this for so long? A new life awaits me, and I am grateful.

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  3. I can relate to many of the things said by the previous posters. I was with my xbpdw for less than two years, married just a few months of that time. I went through the rages, name calling, distortion, etc. When I went back to her the last time, for six weeks, I was not then aware of what BPD was, but I knew she had some issues. Before I went back, we talked at length and I set out clear boundaries with her - I would not tolerate the rages, name calling, etc. In those last six weeks, I know she tried very hard to contain herself. One day, while I was out, she sent me an email that I received on my phone. In it she told me she saw how hard I was working on our marriage, that she felf very loved by me, and that she hoped I was getting from the marriage what I was. I felt we had turned a corner because she had recognized reality, how I loved her and how I wanted the marriage to work. But two weeks later, she blew, I was gone, and we were divorced within 3 months. During the time before the divorce I found out about BPD. I told her I felt she might have this. She reacted with a lot of hostility. I could have handled that better. Other than to set up the final divorce hearing, we had no more contact. Since the divorce, now almost a year and a hald ago, we have had no contact. While I think she did see, to the fullest extent she could, that I truly loved her in that last six weeks, I think because I confronted her about BPD she will never attempt to contact me again.

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    1. I agree. Once they 'know' that you 'know' then the 'cat's outta the bag'. That leaves them just a little more out of control of you then is comfortable for them..because they can no longer distort reality with you anymore, the game is up. Your forced them out of 'Wonderland'. Here in the 'REAL' world of HEALTHY relationships, 'Nons' have specific Rules of Engagement concering what is sane and non-abusive-rules that the BPD cannot adhere to unless they get serious DBT help. Most are in denial and your bringing it to their attention means they will have to play by rules that are too painful for their damaged emotional psyches. They haven''t the ability to own up to their behaviors for reasons too deep to discuss here but for simplicity's sake, their fragile self esteem means that their distorted form of ego preservation will always overshadow your feelings because they are so caught up in their own pain they are incapable of empathy...and that is where the buck stops and the BPD is incapable of going any further. Pretty Freudian and very ID centered, the BPD diagnosis, by it's very nature is self centered. It is ALWAYS about the one with it, NEVER about how if affects those that love them. The BPD does not have the capacity to empathize with what they put others through and by accepting a diagnosis means they have to face that which they hate about themselves yet know is true-that they are damaged goods-and that is a hard pill to swallow for anyone. Once you realize that all you have is yourself, to lick the wounds of the damage caused by yourself, the sooner you can move on. Once you realize that in their minds, it will 'ALWAYS' be about them, their feelings, their distorted views and merely par for the course with this disease of relationships....the sooner you will be able to let it go and tend to your own needs.
      Remember, you are dealing with people who have a serious mental illness. As serious as any other mental illnesses in the DSM-V. The only difference, is like emotional vampires, they seem normal by day and only bare their fangs in the dark-to those closest to them.
      The sooner you realize they can never feel the pain they have caused you, the sooner you can start protecting yourself. Good luck and know that it wasn't you.

      P.S-Never let a BPD 'Gaslight' you into believing it was all your fault, 'cause it takes two to tango and the BPD will always find your weak spot (anger, frustration etc), capitalize on it then use it against you....then deny they were part of the problem..again..ego defense mechanism..keep reading up on this and be well informed. Eventually, you will come out of the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) that this disease has put you through and remember, the Person with BPD is not their diagnosis, but you need to learn to protect yourself from it at all costs our you will go down with the ship, too.
      With love from California

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  4. My exbpd girl had a told me of her ex's and when she sent me email videos I saw those names had recieved them too. I think she wants to remain friends and keep them like trophies that still want her. Screw that. I am going to do some black and white thinking of my own. I don't care how good you made me feel or how abused you've been. You are all bad and I will not feel guilty for being mad or feel shame for being lied to. I never want to speak to you again.

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  5. Thank you to the above person for stating it so clearly - doing some black and white thinking of my own! I think with this population - that is what we have to do - paint them black like they did to us. Just for our own protection. My BPD man hurt me more than anyone ever had in my entire life. He turned on me and cut off from me after he attacked me - and made himself the victim to all his friends. Very sad.

    I have had to do some deep soul searching - which is very tough because I think he stole my soul when he left.

    Thank you for this page. The more I read about other people's situations - the more I am able to gain some perspective about the situation and heal. Its been a painful 6 months.

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    1. Don't worry. You still have your soul. No mere mortal, lest a sick one at that, can take that away from you. Be Strong. You are once bitten, twice shy, bless you.

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  6. was married to a borderline for four years, had the lot , the paranoia, heavy drinking, the walking on egg shells, the affairs, the rage.
    realised after six months that i was actually sane; and that i could live a normal life.
    would advise anyone else to get out much earier than i did; living with a borderline is hell on earth.

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  7. My exBPD stopped his ignore game this Monday night. We had a huge fight Sept of last year and all my frustration and aggravation was unleashed on him. Of course, he played the victim and i was the jerk to all his friends. I made a few efforts to be nice, the last the week of Christmas. All were ignored.
    Last Sunday was a year that we met. Of course, I didn't hear from him. I decided I wasted too much time worrying about him, thinking about him. Avoiding him online; he attempted a real sideways swipe at me last week that I ignored (long, passive agrressive story). Sure enough, 2 nights ago we see each other out. He played nice and we discussed several ways of trying to get along. Only getting along, I was clear that we were not going to start back dating.
    We got back to my place and just as we started relaxing, he laughed and told me about trying to hook up with another person right in front me. This was the catalyst for our 1st back up and i asked him about it several times in the ensuing months, and he always said I was crazy.
    I completely lost my cool, called him a crazy MF and kicked out my house. Now he is back to playing the ignore game. After 5 months ignoring, I know this will not last forever. Only this time, I truly hope it does. Don't know what is the difference about this time. Maybe in the last 5 months I have read so much about BPD, I can tell the signs of his bs and don't feel like i'm being oversensitive or "boring". I text him earlier and told him I hated him and to stay away. What a disaster of a relationship. And by the way, he referenced numerous times that last week would have been an anniversary. What a miserable person.

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  8. My bdp exgirl dumped me because she tried to kill her self on our first aniversary. Imagine that! That was 02-01-2011. I woke up that day just thinking the way to make her day wonderfull.
    And all i got was her starting arguments for everything until she locked herself in the toilet and drank half litter whisky and swallowed like 30 heavy pills.
    The result she dumped me. Her family who used to love me now they think i am the biggest threat for her. So i have accepted her decision with a lot of pain in my heart but it is the best for me at least. I think i would have never finish the relationship. Ik liked her so much that i could stand her dark sides. But what she did went to far and i cant go back with her even if she changes her mind after few weeks or months like many bdp do. I wont take her back. I recommend you guys to sweat a lot. Go jogging everyday, push-ups, sweat, sweat and paint them black for ever. Mediation twice or more a day. Close that door and swallow the key.
    Sweating helps you to think positive.

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  9. As a psychiatrist I can tell you that a person with BPD thinks about their past lots, it follows them around like a dark shadow. But there are many important factors relating to this post that I must point out, People with BPD find it very difficult to trust a person after they have "hurt" them, I put this in inverted comma's for a reason, because what hurts us and what hurts them are very different. Marsha Linehan put it like this "a borderline is like a third degree burns patient, they have no emotional skin" this means that you leaving them, whether its temporary or long term, cuts deep with the borderline. As you have mentioned, people with BPD split, its all black and white, you are either there for them or you are not, the grey area where you left to make her see her behaviour is wrong was lost on her, all she can see is that you left and that consumes her entire being.
    She looks through her past in her mind "I was sexually abused and beaten, I have had one man beat me up, I have had one control my every move, now the one who I thought was a good one has left me, everybody just wants to hurt me, it must mean I deserve nothing good, I cant trust him again or he will do it again"
    It is nowhere near easy having BPD, they dont see that grey area which would make life so much easier for them and you.

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  10. This was a great read. I started dating this dancer about a month ago, and we'd been casual friends a few months prior. Drop dead beautiful, instant connection or so I thought. She moved VERY fast with everything...sex, breaking it off with her BF, moving to a new apartment, etc. I felt like I was constantly trying to draw boundaries with her and telling her to "try and make it work with your BF, slow it down, don't do somethign you'll regret". Did she listen? Ha! One night, I tried to slow it down a bit because it was clear to me how quickly she was making these decisions. I told her I wasn't completely sure about the dancing thing, and that maybe we just wanted different things from the relationship. This was said with the intention of creating a conversation, NOT a drama bomb. She took it as a break up and that I was leaving her when all I was doing was trying to connect with her a little more. She went off the deep end, cussing at me, saying she did all these things for me, and that I was an idiot for not seeing it, and on and on it went. I felt TERRIBLE for days, and even worse with her icy silent treatment. Since that night, it's been nothing but push-pull, I like you but give me distance...I'll come to you on my terms. It's only recently started to dawn on me that I did nothing wrong, and as i start to evaluate things from start to finish, this whole "relationship" has not only been breakneck fast, but she's doing things subconsciously to sabotage repairing what started off so amazing like randomly turning off her cell for days at a time only to text with "I miss you" whereas 3 days prior she was screaming at me for "pushing the distance issue" and "not respecting her need for distance". Anyway, I broke it off yesterday. Told her since she got back with her ex and communicates poorly with me, I'm going to pick up and move on. I told her I cared for her deeply and that I'd never leave her as a friend, and she can always call me. No reply. Glad someone alerted me to BPD before getting ruined by it. It's so sad to see someone with such a huge amount of potential and value suffer with something like this. But we need to protect ourselves. I admire the courage of everyone who posted here and wish you all the best in recovering and finding compatible partners. This is so painful.

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  11. I was with a suspected bpd sufferer for only 6 weeks. she was unfaithful to me, told lies, was occasionaly silent and very selfish. She generally treated me poorly. We parted about a month ago, her grandma died last week, she txt me to tell me she was sorry for everything and sorry about us, then she txt to say i didn't deserve the way she treated me because i was good to her. tonight i have been weak and txt her to say i care about her and hope she's ok, bit dissapointed with myself really.

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  12. I was just wondering how bpd men feel after they leave their children and wife?

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  13. My girlfriend broke up with me and tossed me from her home five months ago. I didn't learn about BPD until I spoke with numerous counselors. I am starting to feel sane again. The gaslighting/shifting reality really did a number on me. Was I really saying those things to her? A relationship with a borderline brings out the borderline traits in all of us. The worst part is I really love a person who cannot love me in return. When I was "perfect" she moved me like no other woman. Perhaps I wanted to be the man reflected in her eyes? Of course, now I am evil and she is the poor victim. I can't even return to the country dance hall where I met her out of fear of her male friend's retribution. Being with her was heaven....then hell. Wish I had those two years back but she helped me to see these traits in other women.

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  14. So my bpd boyfriend dumped me two weeks ago after a three year long roller coaster ride of pure ecstacy and emotional hell. He was amazing in bed, the sex was all 50 shades of grey, he was masterful attentive and the best I have ever had - or will ever have.

    So mainly because of this I put up with his rages, his FUCK YOU tirades and super sensitive response to the slightest look, thought, action or word out of place. Eventually I became as fragile as him, I would mirror his anger, struggle to find abusive names to call him and almost make myself laugh because this was not something I would do normally.

    We spent a couple of weeks together on vacation and that is when everything exploded. Out of his territory where everything was how he liked it, he felt lost, dependent and showed his unhappiness by sighing and complaining literally from the minute he woke up.

    I eventually snapped, he was just such a misery to be around I couldnt take it any more. My behavior was totally borderline! I dont know if I have actually now got an addiction to this kind of abusive relationship as I cannot imagine being with a "nice guy" it would be far too boring by comparison.

    My stomach has been in knots since he dumped me. I apologized and said I loved him forever but he has not responded. He said I was a serial abuser and recounted every "bad" word I had said over the past three years!

    I was stunned and shocked that he was keeping such a detailed record. Now I keep on going through his final tirade, the way he recoiled when I tried to touch him and the cold way that he just switched off after telling me for three years that I was the woman he had waited for all his life.

    He was passionately in love with me after a week. But three months later the cracks started appearing. He drank a huge amount of alcohol and was a big drug user at one time. He is a wreckless spender and is massively in debt and about to be made bankrupt. Yet none of this really mattered to me.

    I kept on hoping that I could somehow make him happy and that his rages would stop and I would feel safe enough to marry him. We tried therapy but ended up going separately. He found it useful but refused to go again, preferring to break up with me and blame me for everything.

    Borderlines build you up and then break you down over and over, they tell you they cant live without you and cheat on you the next day. They are mistrustful, depressed, heavy, anxious, dark souls who feed off positive people and bring them down.

    They are clever, charming, deceptively reasonable and logical and then emotionally out of control, raging and name calling until some beast inside them is released.

    And like I said, I became depressed and prone to rages myself, living with the stress of his constant analysis jealousy and accusations of cheating.

    I am sure I "caught" his borderline disease... especially as I held on to bad memories of his behavior and wanted him to apologize but he rarely did. What a nightmare!

    Yet, the terrible truth is that I miss all of it, the drama and the pain. Now I have silence and a head full of torment to deal with every day. It's like a slow death. I wish I knew that he felt just as bad but according to the books bpd people just move straight on to another relationship and don't look back.

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  15. i split with my bpd ex girlfriend 3 months ago. wow what an experience!! we were only together 5 months but it was so intense from the start. i had my first red flag after a week but chose to ignore it as i thought id met my soulmate! she was amazing most of the time - probably 90% but sadly that 10% remaining sabotaged the rest. i was totally unaware of bpd till we split. since then ive researched as many do online mainly down to the confusion or the "wtf just happened"?. she treated me horrendously but 4 some reason 3 months later i still think about her all the time!! shes like a drug. weve had no contact for 2.5 months and as i feel it getting easier i feel a long way off complete closure. im sure shes in denial about her bpd(if that is what shes got) and i really wanna tell her but doubt that'd be a good idea.

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  16. my undiagnosed ex nearly drove me to insanity! im still not out the woods but defo getting alot easier. since we split 4 months ago ive realised most of what she told me was complete BS! live and learn i guess!!

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  17. i can only quote this: my undiagnosed ex nearly drove me to insanity! im still not out the woods but defo getting alot easier. since we split 4 months ago ive realised most of what she told me was complete BS! live and learn i guess!


    i still cannot believe what has happened to me, so many lies she put me in the face, cancer, chemo, false identity, etc... people, take care and be aware :(

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