I had forgotten about BPD Hoovering, then someone had commented on how they were Hoovered back into their relationship. Hoovering is something that all BPDs do as they alternate between fear of abandonment and devaluing someone. It's the battle that they have inside of themselves. Unfortunately, us Non's have to live the life of a borderline, but from our perspective, it can be scary. Many have asked the question, but let's answer it: What is BPD Hoovering?
BPD Hoovering Defined
BPD Hoovering is what a borderline personality does when they try to get you back into the relationship. For whatever reason, they have usually pushed you away from them and now are trying to pull you back in. They will apologize, admit that they are wrong, tell you they will go into counseling...do whatever it takes to get you back into the relationship.
Hence why they call it Hoovering. Like the vacuum, the borderline literally sucks you back into the relationship, telling you that they will do whatever it takes to get you back. They are sincere, truthful and apologetic.
You sit there and think, 'wow, they finally got it. All the things that I've been telling them, they finally understand.' You feel better and think that this will finally be the relationship that you thought it could be.
Life is good for a while. You go back into a honeymoon phase with the Borderline and things are blissful.
Unfortunately, the good times only last for a short time. Something happens -- you don't know what -- and the borderline is back to normal. You're back in the up-and-down spin cycle of the borderline. Welcome back. You've been Hoovered, sucked back in, and now you're back in the despair of a borderline relationship.
The worst thing about Hoovering is that it was often initiated by the borderline: They broke up with you, they kicked you out of the house, they...well, you get the idea here.
Quitting Smoking
Leaving a borderline relationship -- for good -- is like quitting smoking. Someone who quits smoking usually tries many times before it sticks. Just like this, you may try to leave a borderline relationship multiple times before you can finally break the chains. It's difficult because the borderline gave us what we wanted in a person -- on a silver platter -- or so we thought. Looking back, the BPD appealed to my own narcissistic needs in a person, not someone that I would respect.
When I was in the relationship with the borderline, she Hoovered me many different times. She kicked me out of her house twice when we were together, only to Hoover me back into the relationship. After I moved out on my own accord, she brought me back into the relationship, making me fall for her again -- hard, telling me one day "I just love you" as I cried in the turmoil of the relationship.
She told me many times that things were going to be different. Even after I moved out and had my own place, she recognized that I was requiring her to make changes. The borderline can't handle that, they can't handle the blame and being told that they have to burden the load of correction. She eventually spun this around and said I kicked you out, you didn't move out.
How To Identify Hoovering
Hoovering is pretty easy to identify. The borderline has done something that their fear of abandonment has made them fear that they will be alone forever. Most likely, they have raged on you, or they have cheated on you, broken up with you or something like this. Now, they have calmed down, and the reality that you're not there anymore has hit them.
Desperate, they will now apologize, promise everything and anything that they can to get you back. Remember that their promises will most likely be hollow, and they won't keep them.
In The End...
I tried to stop smoking numerous times before finally giving it up. I still crave cigarettes periodically. But I don't smoke anymore. Eventually, the Hoovering will not work either, because we know that we need to give the relationship up.
Monday, February 8, 2010
15 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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I ended up self hoovering when I broke down and got ahold of her and she responded very positively. only to break down and have it all start over again, ugg
ReplyDeleteHere is a link on Hoovering:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Hoovering.html
As for self hoovering, been there done that....after 2 months of typical back and forth communication (a few calls, texts, mostly emails that were not positive but kept the communication open) I contact here via text one night to let her know about something (it was related to when we had lived together only a short time ago) and she called me back IMMEDIATLEY and we spoke and she wanted me to come 'pick her up" aka come and have sex with me. I did and we fell right back into the dysfunctional relationship for a couple of months until she found another bloke and probably realized that "I" was never going to be able to fix her and she painted me black and ended it "again". On a side note the week before we had seen one another and she didn't even look at me...a week later she's tearing our clothing off and getting all freaky ;). *sigh* the hurt will never be worth it...
I have been hoovered 4 times since i filed for divorce. Thank God for the 450 miles between us cause the hoover maneuver would only last a couple days before she would go back to her nasty self. The sexual attention was extreme. We would have phone sex everytime. This last time I had broken contact so she started harassing me with police welfare checks cause I have temp custody of our daughters. She even went as far as calling my boss to attempt to dicuss our divorce with him. I gave up the no contact bit and asked her if she was ever going to let me let her go. The answer was a question -- did I really want to let her go. I just gave up and said that she was just going to make my life miserable one way or another and asked her to move back and work things out. Then I found her facebook page and discovered that she was doing this to me between guys she was seeing. I don't hurt much anymore. I just feel dirty.
ReplyDeleteMy ex boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD but my therapist suggested that I do some reaserch on the Dissorder and I can't belive how accurate she was. I have been hoovered 4 times. Our relationship lasted 11 months and was truly wonderful. From the very beggining he was the best, most romantic and loving partner. We moved in together after 3 months. I was 'the love of his life", 'the best relationship'. Sex was amasing and very often. After 6 months out of the blue he said that he does not find me attractive any more. When I was trying to leave he was making all the effords to hoover me back in. The relationship was wonderful again only untill next time when he asked me to move out. I agreed. Next day he asked me to stay and promised to agree to a councelling sessions. He never kept his promise. I was only happy till the following weekend.
ReplyDeleteOur love was very intense. We were making plans for the future and that"s when the sudden explosions of anger and accusation started. He gets extremly angry for no reason and the argument can last for hours sometimes days.. and then he loves me again, adores me, spends thousands of puunds on presents or weekends. He projects his frustrations on me on regular basis and the verbal and emotional abuse is difficult to cope with.
I should also mention that he smokes marijuana almost every day. I think it increases his anger. He becomes very defensive and abusive after any comment or even joke about it. A few days ago half an hour after another lovely evening.. he kicked me out of the house because I gently pointed out that he smokes a lot of weed and I'd rather go for a walk in the park(he smokes 3-4 cigarettes a day, sometimes much more). We went through hours of shouting, lecturing me and statements like 'you don't matter','I don't care about you', 'I don't love you' etc. I feel devastated because I still love him. He broke up with me saying that he can't see the future because I'm too emotional, histerical. He wants someone who will not argue with him! and can accept smoking pot.
There was no contact till now. It's been three days since I moved out leaving the keys on his desk saying that I don't want to be with him any more. I don't know what to expect now. Is it possible to go through another hoovering process again after such a scene???
As far as I know first his ex wife and then his ex girlfriend 'had to' move out too - and then he wanted to try again..
English is not my first language so please excuse my obvious mistakes..
I have an unbelievable story to tell with a man that I am almost certain has BPD. About 6 months ago I met someone at a convention and it was love at first sight for both of us. We both seemed to genuinely like one another as people and had a lot of similiar interests. The only problem was he lives in AU and me in the States. Well after several flights that he made back to the states and daily skyping I decided to do something that I will regret for the rest of my life.....I left my high salary job, sold my new car, gave up a lease on a beautiful condo, and blew through my savings to move to AU to be with him. He courted me and wrote beautiful love poems to me and convinced me that "I was the love of his life and he couldn't see not having me in his life forever." So he asked me to marry him and I accepted then moved to AU. As soon as the flight touched down in AU I noticed a drastic change in his behavior and he seemed more distant but I just thought it was because the flight was very long and exhausting. Then we decided to get some dinner that same evening and he confided to me he had been sexually abused as a young child. I remember being in shock and wondering why he waited until I moved all that distance to open up to me about something that could potentially be toxic for a relationship. I was quite upset but decided to proceed on since I had given up so much to be with him and I had made the committment to him for better or worse. Well as the weeks progressed and we had more intense discussions about me preparing for a permanent visa, moving into a house, me looking for a job etc and I noticed he would become very angry and stressed out when talking about our future. Over the course of two months I had to endure terrible bouts of anger and abusive language directed towards me. I was new to the country and did not know anyone so he took advantage and left me to fend for myself while he went out with his friends almost every evening. He had the control because knew I didn't have a car of was able to drive yet (they drive on the right side). He told me prior to the move about how he was going to introduce me to all his friends and family then kept me isolated from them. The only time he seemed interested was when he wanted sex....which was at times so demanding and if I didn't want to be intimate he wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day!! He always picked fights with me and I never knew what would set him off. Sometimes I would say something and he would just blow up and I never knew why. Out of the blue he suddenly tells me one day he no longer loves me and wants me to move back to the states. The reason he told me was "we are just incompatable" and "you are not the person I thought your were." I was/am obviously in a state of shock because I had blown through my entire savings and gave up my life to be with him and he dismisses me with little emotion. He since has apologized and says he is now going to a therapist to understand why he gets so angry and to see if he could possibly repair our relationship. I am now back in the states and feeling used, angry, confused, sad, and devastated. I now have to re-build my funds and my life. I do take responsibility for jumping to fast before I made the move but this just confirms some of the deviant and persuasive personality of the BPD. They suck you in and promise you the world to then turn around and make you feel that you are worth nothing to them. I will not allow myself to be "hoovered" by him because I have been reading all the literature I can and know that these people are abusive and the therapy required for them to "get well" can be years if not ever. As hurt and devastated as I am and still have a lot of love for him I know deep down in my heart that it would always be a toxic relationship and I would lose myself respect and who I am as a person. It's difficult to stay away from them because they can be very charming and convincing but you must stay strong!
ReplyDeleteTo the person that moved to AU. That is so BPD behavior I do feel for you. A lot of us know that feeling of still having love for a person with BPD. For all the people that tell us that they feel in love with the idea of us rather than us as a person it takes ages to get rid of the feeling of hurt and love for the person. We have such big hearts that we can forgive them time and time again and keep going back. Knowing they have BPD makes it worse because you can hang everything off the illness which make it easy to think it is not their fault the way they are. Admittedly it isn't their fault, but thinking in that way just makes the pain of separation worse and it takes it longer to kick the habit of rescuing the BPD.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that I wish I was good at taking my own advice.
I too am in a relationship with a BPD. For the umpteenth time he made me leave (we lived together fo 2 year)so i booked a holiday with 2 of my friends. He found out 4 days before i was due to go and "hoovered" me back in. I was away for a week, came home to him on saturday tea time by sunday night he'd asked me to leave yet again! Made up some rediculous story, but in reallity it was because i'd done something totally out of character for me,instead of moping around waiting for him to get in touch, i went away and had a week to myself chilling.So now its time for me to walk away. This so called relationship is maing me ill and if i don't get out now i'm going to end up having a breakdown like his last gf did.The sad thing is though he can be a really nice person, but then he can be really cruel and abusive,both mentally and physically. I cant give him the help he needs and that makes me sad
ReplyDeleteSame thing happened to me. He topped my mobile phone up while a was away.....for him to tx me and keep me hooked. On my return he was all over me. Days later i was accused of the most disgusting things imaginable. Also the night before i was due to fly out i had to sleep in my car as the abuse was so bad.
ReplyDeleteI have just left my boyfriend who I believe has BPD. I have read many articles online and he fits the criteria. In the beginning, it was love at first sight. He was intelligent, charming, witty, and extremely romantic. I knew from the beginning that he wanted me with him all the time and hated anything that prevented us from being together each day. That lasted about a year. Then, quite suddenly things started to change. He began to challenge or dispute anything I said. I swear if I said 'the sky is blue', he'd say 'no, it's not blue, it depends where you live, what the weather is like, etc' Then it got worse. He became distant, cold, un-affectionate. Gradually he became cruel and disrespectful. I never realized it until we broke up last week that he was devaluing me. I still have deep feelings for him, mostly sadness for him. Reading the stories of others in the same situations has helped make this time much easier for me. Thank you to everyone and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI have been dating a guy on and off for about four months. At first he seemed too good to be true. He admitted to wearing his heart on his sleeve. After 3 weeks of dating he professed his love for me. He was very intense and wanted to see me every day. Told me I was the love of his life and that ultimately we would be married. Then I saw that he had to smoke pot every day and drank 3 to 4 bottles of beer each night and never showed any signs of being stoned or drunk. He was married for 10 years and has two kids who he sees often. If I say anything; a tease, a joke, a mild criticism, he reacts with anger, not volatile but dismissive and rejecting. He then does a passive aggressive act, unfriends me on Facebook (he has done this twice) and ignores my calls. Then we make up and he says he will not overreact any more. This lasts about 2 weeks and the cycle begins again. He is very sexual and romantic. He bought me a diamond ring after dating for 3 months. He is also on an SSRI and has a decent white collar job. He is very neat and clean and organized. He hasn't many friends and has told me that he holds grudges against old friends if they are "mean" to him. His idea of mean is ridiculous. One night I told him that his snoring was annoying me and he called me cruel!Yet typically he is so adorable, loving and funny, and very seductive- he is hard to resist...Does he sound borderline?
ReplyDeleteIt is not normal to have such strong feeling in such a short time. My ex BPD did exactly the same in terms of professing how in love with me he was, a MONTH after meeting me!! He was a chain smoker and drank at least five night out of seven. The latter was not obvious to me for a few months then i realised,when i gave it some thought,that he was always drink in hand. He would also abuse drugs. I would find evidence of this. And last but not least he was addicted to porn. At the beginning of the relationship the sex was amazing and frequent. Six months in the sex had all but dissappeared as he had all he wanted in that way from his porn. If i approached him of this he would turn passive aggressive. So in answer to the above blogger,i would say yes indeed he is BPD. Save yourself years of abuse and get out now!
ReplyDeleteMy story is again the same. My ex gf came into my life precisly when i had move away from my ex wife. I was not happy at all with her. But when i met this girl i was so happy. Very beautiful and sexy, styled and intelligent.
ReplyDeleteThe honeymoon lasted 6 months but was paradise with the exception of some arguments but nothing to special. Although i had realized that she was somehow not normal. Then we went on vacation and had great time. But the arguments became more regular than the good moments. In a certain moment i couldnt play some omf my songs because they were written for somebody else or i couldnt even look at other girls (just looking as you look anyone) because she would make a big issue out of it. After our holidays she decided it back to her city with her family. After a week i convinced her to comeback to me. We had a short honeymoon again and the she started to critize me like i was nothing. No respect what so ever.
The day we had 1 year together she commited suicide and i saved her life. Afterwards she said she couldnt see me anymore because her doctor had said that. And that was it. Now we have 10 days or something like that NC and i have to keeo it that way. I love her a lot but i can not live like that 6 months good then good by then come back to me. My goal now is to train a lot, stay busy and never ever allow her to contact me in anyway. She was my dream girl but she was treating me so bad the last days. Also she blames me for her corrent attempt to commit suicide. So i am painted black. I have to forget her. I am reading all kind of stuff here and in other blogs that help to understand why is healthy to stay away from her. May be is the incredible sex you can have with such a woman that make us want to stay with them. Maybe somehow we think normal women will never take you so high or i dont know. But i think is not just sexual. I love a side of her. But it is to much trouble and i cant trust her. She lied from the beginning and that created a big trust issue.
She said she was completely loyal to me in the year we had together but i dont know what to think. We had a LOT of sex my got. The dream of a man, a woman who likes to have sex almost everyday. Also very caring, she let you lead on everything from the beginning and once you love her enough she start taking over till she becomes a tyrant.
I better stay away from her No contact is my way right now. Good luck for all of you in your recovering.
Sounds to me like you are the one with BPD,your story has lots of things that don't make sense.
DeleteMaybe its a good thing that you are not with this person anymore or that she isn't with you!
I have the same problem and I felt in love
DeleteShe was an expert in sex and never have a woman like that and I think I will never have
We broke 8 times always and argument , fighting and jealousy but I think she more than one lover
We live 45 min apart so I don’t know what she was doing all the time specially with some mentioned friends
I just ended a relationship with a guy that I believe has BPD. I met him at a supermarket. He handed me his business card and said "give me a call sometime." I was flattered, but I was attending school at the time and preparing for finals, so I waited for about one month. When I finally called him, the first thing he said to me was, "why did it take you a month to call me?" I was puzzled, and felt like he must be insecure. We went out on New Years, and had a blast, until his Aunt came over to me and said, "watch out for this guy!" I felt confused, but didn't ask questions since he was nearby. About an hour later, he was on the dance floor with a female friend. He came back over to me with tears in his eyes and said " I am sorry, but that is my best friend and I told her that if I ever got married again that she would be the best man!" HUH? So red flags were going off from the very beginning. He then became very clingy...coming over every day. He said to me that he would like to have more children (he has four and I have two. I told him that we had six together and I could not have any more children. He seemed angered! So, a few weeks go by, and I am starting to feel smothered. I told him that this was happening way to fast, and he seemed upset and left. Two days later, he stops by unanounced and says to me "have you called me? I lost my phone and now I have to get a new one." He was very nervous, almost shaking. I didn't hear back from him for six weeks, until he showed up at my door at midnight with his finger covering the peek hole. I was shocked when I opened the door to discover it was him. He wanted sex, and I told him to go home. He still shows up at my door, text's me or calls me about once a month, telling me that he "could have been dead and why wasn't I calling him". I have seen him stalking me where I live. On Mothers Day, he sent me a text after not hearing from him for one month. I finally sent him a text and told him I have no feelings for him. He never replied back...so maybe he got the hint!
ReplyDelete