Friday, February 5, 2010

Looking back: BPD relationship perspective

Contributed by David
This week I scheduled an 'in between' therapy session because I realized that all I have been doing is focusing on my ex and being frustrated with how I have been obsessing over her and not being able to allow myself to move on. Part of this I think is because of the lack of closure that usually results when the relationship with the borderline ends (not to say that it's not hard when a 'normal' relationship ends) due to the open endedness (push/pull) that one expereinces that puts a real emotional strain on you. I believe part of it has to do with coming to the realization of why the borderline relationship was dysfuntional for both parties and how it really only met the fantasized perceptions of both involved. In other words it probably was based upon very little if any realities even though it may have felt like it was when you were so enmeshed in it.
I'd like to share some truths about my 2 year dysfuntional relationship I have come to realize below and while many are very painful to let go of the fantasy I must admit them in order to move on. I've bolded the ones that have a deeper meaning for me and underlined ones that I especially need to focus on.

uBPDxgf served me with a restraining order, claiming I had assaulted her (I had to restrain her in one instance because she wouldn't allow me to leave the house and attacked me repeatedly, not to mention stomping my laptop tp pieces and throwing my cell against the wall) and left out the other 2 police reports that all happened in that week. She claimed she was fearful of me because of that event, despite having gotten back together with me 2 months later and being with me for another 3. The event she cited literally occurred 10 months before she filed the HRO. Then she posted on her facebook account notifying all her/our friends that I had been served, I'm sure the response she received from some of them only reinforced her own distorted thinking.
I allowed myself to be used by my uBPDxgf

I was lied to by my uBPDxgf

The good memories with uBPDxgf were merely fleeting glimpses of a soul-less human being, who has no identity.
uBPDxgf has no identity.

uBPDxgf will be whomever, wherever, whenever in exchange for acceptance.
uBPDxgf is incapable of adult emotions and will never be capable of them.

uBPDxgf will be miserable, confused, empty, and in pain for her entire life. No one can do anything about this.

Any glimpses of normalcy or "happiness" in uBPDxgf were not real, are not real and will never be real.
uBPDxgf is incapable of intimacy

uBPDxgf is mentally ill and a pill cannot "fix" her illness.

The fun memories with uBPDxgf were a result of her desire to be accepted - not a reflection of who she really is. She does not know who she really is never will.

uBPDxgf is incapable of reciprocating a healthy love.

I was on object to provide life to the bottomless pit of emotional needs to uBPDxgf and am no different than many others and there has/will be other men.

I could have/can do nothing more to help/fix uBPDxgf

Two full years of my life was lost in the dance with uBPDxgf

I was, am, and will always be viewed as an object (much like an emotional dildo) to uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf does not think about me daily.

uBPDxgf hates me and blames me as part of the cause of her pain.

uBPDxgf is in denial and therefore will likely never control her BPD.

uBPDxgf took great pleasure inflicting pain on me, because she felt I deserved it.

uBPDxgf will always feel that I deserved her punishment.

uBPDxgf was, is, and will always be nothing more than a mirage.
Because I believed she was my "soulmate", I contributed and perpetuated this mirage.

I will never have intimate sex with uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf has allowed and will continue to allow other men to do to her sexually what she denied me - because I cared for her and they didn't/don't.
uBPDxgf will never acknowledge the compassion and love I showed her.

uBPDxgf is very sexually attractive but I will never have sex with her.

I will never get closure in the traditional sense of the word from uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf is incapable of knowing/acknowledging/understanding how much agony she inflicted upon me.

uBPDxgf has only apologized once and did not know what she was apologizing for.

If uBPDxgf ever apologizes to me in the future, it is not sincere and only an attempt to get me back so she can punish me.
uBPDxgf mimicked me and I believed it was real.

It was not real. YIKES that hurts the most!
uBPDxgf was pursuing and having sex with several other men while telling me I was special.
uBPDxgf thinks that I deserved this.
uBPDxgf put me through emotional/psychological hell while being sexually ravaged by random men who did not care for her during our breakups and then shared those details with me when we were together.

uBPDxgf will never sincerely acknowledge or apologize for what she did to me.

uBPDxgf told everyone that I abandoned her, lied to her, and emotionally abused her.
uBPDxgf emotionally violated and degraded me.

I stooped below my integrity to get uBPDxgf "back".

uBPDxgf exploited my weaknesses because she thought I deserved it.

I have spent countless hours in therapy, in meditation, in agony, writing, in support groups because of uBPDxgf.

uBPDxgf would be indifferent or delighted if she read about my pain.

uBPDxgf has not spent more time thinking of me than it took to send 5 cryptic text messages intended to curtail my disengagement.

uBPDxgf is sick and it is not her fault, but it is her responsibility and the only person on this planet that can save her is her.


If uBPDxgf tries to get back into my life or communicate with me, it is only because she has exhausted all her other options at the moment and it will not last for longer than a couple of months. The ‘honeymoon’ period will be even shorter before the chaos begins again.


16 comments:

  1. I think your list is spot on for relationships with someone with bpd. I could almost copy it with my ex bpd boyfriend. I think when we REALLY start to realize, in our heart and mind, that there was no real intimacy- it helps us move on. I also spent nearly two years with him, it nearly destroyed me, and it was even worse when I came to the realization/became aware of the lies, false life, devious behavior. When you add all of this (things on your list) to losing someone you love, it seems the perfect storm for ptsd or something. Anyone who has not been through this won't understand and it's life changing. I never knew people lived like this or had these problems- I had dated a jerk or two but not something like this. You're not alone

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  2. For me, the kicker is that they look human, functional, even happy, but they are not. It's like they ride the wave of the good moment, express joy on their face, but deep down are always calculating in a unending defensive posture that traps and nurtures the emptiness. I was in a short 3 month relationship with an uBPDxgf, but it did damage to me because I was unaware of what I was dealing with and fully opened my heart to this girl, moved in with her, loved her, etc. This list helps me to realize that others are dealing with the exact same thing.

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  3. And to ass insult to injury...to people who knew both of us, I became the emotionally abusive prick who needed therapy! Yep, I can't imagine someone not, when they are used as a physical and emotional dildo (remember she was a self proclaimed nympho), have to endure their loved one attempting suicide twice and multiple smear campaigns. Throw in a heaping have your loved one jump into another relationship and that's a sure equation for PTSD.

    Emotional vampire is an understatement!

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  4. Indeed...I agree on these statements, however sadly enough I have to add insult to our own injury and that is that we have allowed them to harm us. In the end everybody is responsible for his own actions. We took the fall ourselfs because of our ignorance.

    Can we thank a BPD for learning us these lessons? Or should we thank the conflict itself and so it has nothing to do with the BPD in person?

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  5. The BPD'S are parasitic. They cannot function alone. They seek out prey (us NONS), who's only "fault" was to care.

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  6. But is it a conscious choice, or learned behavior? While I detest the way xgf behaved, it seemed, a least in my case, that she was actually trying not to act like a freak, like she couldn't help but act out. It wasn't normal!

    I believe, though, that eventually it became conscious, premeditated, knowingly evil, and that's the sick part.

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  7. Keep the faith guys, I am recovering from a BPDxgf and it has not been an easy ride. It can be done, though.

    Don't expect empathy or closure on their part and you'll be just fine. Remember, BPD is a serious mental illness that you don't have to take ownership of. You didn't cause it, don't blame yourselves

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  8. Great list. They all hurt the most. I have felt all those things. I had panic attack that lasted days followed by a nervous breakdown. 3 months of histerical crying when no one was looking. Racing negative thoughts and obsessive thinking from the moment I'd wake up to passing out from exhaustion. Lost 35 pounds gained 40. Pacing in circles talking to myself. Couldnt drive saftley and lost interest in EVERYTHING else. Humiliating myself by talking about it to everyone. Even total strangers. Spent days typing each text and waiting to send it not to look desperate, as if. Spent a month writing one letter so it was just right. Religiously looking at horoscopes and tarot cards for hope. My phone clasped in my hand for months. Got laid but had to think of her to get off then cried. I broke no contact after two months to tell her I was with a new girl. I lied. She's called once in all this time. She used to call me all day non stop. I never did anything but notice she was insecure and try to make her feel special. I believed ridiculos stories with out question. Trusted her faithfulness completely. Was so proud of her. Wanted to get married and have a kid. Me! Give up my dreams for a normal life with her. Passed up a dozen hotter youger girls and even a famous actress without hesitation. I would have never lied, cheated or left. All I could think about was, how could she do this to me. Anybody but her..... LOL. Isn't love grand.

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  9. The harm they cause is a conscious malicious act but based on a paraniod consciousness that comes and goes. I believe the paranoia is part of the self defense mechanism called denial. It protects them from the pain of their abuse and also the pain of being an abuser. They will always see themselves as victims. So did their abusers.

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  10. To the Anonymous whose life is ruined, just so you know you are not the only one. All you have said is true of what I have been going though too. The only thing that has helped is that she can't take away the love I have for her. That is mine to give how ever much she rages. I won't be pulled down to her level of hiding things away like they don't exist. Love from me is true unlike the love she had for me.

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  11. To Hazel...

    I know how you feel completely...I was 'punished for 'caring'...And made to feel weak and stupid...Wow i know how that feels....

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  12. I just love this one "emotional dildo", that 's how I felt and still feel to my Ex, she still text whenever she needs that Dildo :lol

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  13. It feels so true... I walked away knowing I can love and gave my all. He once said I made him feel human, HMM. I feel damaged just the same!

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  14. I don't know if my ex is BPD for sure, but I am thinking that may be why my life was a living inferno for 2 and a half years. He left, I'm in so much pain, don't know what to do...again. How do I know?

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  15. ...I thank all my previous bad relationships because I met my exbpgf with a guarded heart and quickly noticed things that were "not right". I thank myself for being so "all about her" that I was able to see what her true interests were and that she was not trying to become me. I, too, experienced most of the hell you have described, but I am thankful that there is a reason, her disorder, and not just another random evil person trying to ruin me. With that, I am able to rebuild and maintain my self esteem after 5 months of playing in a mine field.

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  16. I was with what I now know was a BPD man for 19months. The honeymoon lasted 5 months - then the red flags started appearing. His rages were always after we had a particularly good time. He said the rages were down to his badly managed diabetes - and I gave him a second chance. I ended it finally - when after coming back from a lovely holiday - and a night out with my good friends - he woke me at 2.30 am - raging and calling me horrible names and using some intimate stuff I had shared with him to mock me. A friend at work - a psychologist - enlightened me to what she had suspected. He is practically a textbook case and meets 7 of the 9 criteria. He is high functioning - holds a good job - but spends recklessly - and is in debt. I beleive his agenda was to move into my home - thank God I never let him!

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