Friday, January 29, 2010

A yearning for the unhealthy...being split black

Contributed by David


There comes a time in every relationship with a borderline where despite all that you as the non can do, say, not say, etc. that you will be split black (all bad). Being split can happen out of the blue and can leave one reeling with the mixed emotions to numerous to mention here. One day you may be enjoying the "best" intimacy, sex, 'love', times of the relationship and the next you are dealing with a robot void of emotion, icy cold, and being completely ignored. It's during these times that my ex and I usually broke up and she continued to abuse me by simply ignoring all of my attempts to "make" right or at least figure out wtf happened. YES, being painted black and being completely ignored is a form of abuse the borderline WILL inflict upon you even as they justify it by giving seemingly logical statements that usually go with a breakup (this is why for those who have experienced this you often feel violated and confused). In my case this is also when she would already be in the bed of another man, typically someone she knew would really get my goat! Splitting can last for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years! With the borderline you just never know when they may reach out to you, it could even be a chance encounter on the street that causes them to split you WHITE (good) again.


The Relentless search for Mr/Mrs Right and Why Splitting?

One criteria for being diagnosed with BPD is the unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, marked by shifts in attitudes towards others (splitting) from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance, and prominent patterns of controlling/manipulating others.


Splitting is a primitive defensive mechanism (we all do it from time to time) that for borderlines is an automatic response (not intentional, it just happens for them) to the pain of dysphoria--
anxiety, rage, depression, despair, being alone, perceived and real abandonment, etc. This is especially true when someone with BPD tries to relate to someone in even a remotely intimate, let alone intimate way.


"At any given moment, you as the Non are viewed by your borderline significant other as either all good, or all bad. They don't usually spend much time thinking, "Hey, you do bad things sometimes,but mostly you are a good person." This is beyond the ability of most people with borderline traits. If you disagree with something they say, then merely by disagreeing you become a bad person. The splitting behavior is what makes borderlines so addictive to Nons.
Sometimes a split can become permanent. If you are permanently split bad, then they can no longer see any good coming out of you. This is why it's so easy for them to engage in tactics such as the distortion campaign. After all, you are Hitler, Stalin and Satan rolled into one, and you get what you deserve. "

How do I know my ex uBPD split me this last time other than the obvious?

I hadn't thought about it until now, while writing but a couple days after the bomb was dropped and I stopped by her place to drop off and get a few things (she wouldn't let me in and only brought a couple of items out) she made the following statement, "Doing this goes against my complete grain. I just can't explain why I no longer have any feelings for you. I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again." Of course that night she was off sleeping with her "friend".

In this case you can see how I was already 'split'. Her comment about not having any feelings for me was accurate, by this point she probably was not and paired with a new "honeymoon" period with another guy she had no reason to respond or think differently. She was just ice cold.

Now, a yearning for the unhealthy...
I found myself very addicted to her after several splits. That pattern of being valued then devalued overtime can really set up a codependent like me for some suffering. It's hard to imagine a person with whom you love going from being so full of life and needing you, even clinging to you that suddenly changes and is now a cold, lifeless robot who executes the breakup with such emotionless precision all in what seems like the snap of a finger.

I've found myself certainly yearning for her return, has to do with my inner child still not getting "it" and just wanting the excitement back and this pain to go away. It has to do with the fact that I'm an addict to her and am going cold turkey, some days are better than others. Another thing is that according to our on again-off again pattern I am now approaching the time frame of when we would usually get back together. I not sure if this will happen (she is at least shacking up with a different guy this time) but as I've been told, it isn't over yet! Who knows how her new relationship has been or how long the honeymoon period will last and maybe, just maybe after two years of me not being able to meet her needs she won't value me as much as in the past. Either way I have found myself yearning for her and I wanted to share that and a response I received in regards to that...

"You can't save anyone with uBPD, no matter how much you believe you love them. the best thing to do when you're in that mode (yearning) is to NOT be afraid of that feeling. Acknowledge it and answer it with something healthy. You need some love and warmth. You know SHE can't be depended on for that. You know it isn't the healthiest thing to look to another woman for that while you're still healing. So give that to yourself. Take care of yourself and keep yourself warm.

I know you're already in this frame of mind, so this is just a reminder. That feeling of yearning CANNOT be mended by this woman. She CANNOT fill the emptiness. She CANNOT offer the salve to your burn. If she were to reach out to you, she could never mend your wound, only exacerbate it.

36 comments:

  1. Hello David
    Every thing you are saying is absolutely true. I have come up with the same conclusion myself, that BPD's are very addictive. You are confirming my suspiscions. I am a gay woman and was trying to be in a relationship with someone who now i know my have suffered from BPD. I have experienced every thing you are saying and I agree. Thanks

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  2. I was in a relationship for 4 years with a man I believe to have bpd.I have been seeing a counselor who also believes he has bpd.I am so confused by his behavior.He would tell me he loved me and could not imagine himself being any closer to anyone.he said,"if I can't make it with you,I probably can't make it with anyone".Two weeks after saying this to me I found out he has been dating a married woman(he was friends with her and her husband).Now she left her husband and moved in with him(bringing her 2 children with her).He called me after this and left the message"don't throw me away".I am so confused.He cheated and lied to me and acts like I am getting rid of him because I told him to get lost after I found out about this woman.He emailed me a long letter stating how he wasn't trying to hurt me and that he was so afraid he wasn't good enough for me that he started seeing this other woman.Said he will always love me and miss me and that he thinks he is emotionally ill.I emailed him back and told him to get help.I doubt he will because in the past when I found a psychiatrist for him-he went to 2 sessions and then stopped going.
    I recently found out that he is buying a house with this married woman and she is fronting 50,000 dollars for the down payment.He is very manipulative and charming and has convinced her that I took money from him.the irony of it is,he owes me money.
    Are people with bpd usually con-artists?I would love to hear any feedback regarding this and I would also like to hear opinions regarding bpd and being involved with married individuals.

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  3. Im a gay woman and have been in a relationship for 3 years. She has recently been diagnosed with BPD. Its been a complete nightmare trying to make her see how much i love her, and I still do despite all the hurt she has caused me. She left me 4 weeks ago and said she can no longer see me as i am her trigger. I am heartbroken. I know that in the future she will reach out to me again and say she has made a terrible mistake and she loves me (she has done it many times before) but I know for the sake of my own sanity and my children I have to be strong and walk away. Nothing I could do was ever good enough, constantly walking on eggshells trying not to say or do the wrong thing. Its a terrible illness. I wish there was something that could be done to help people with it. I have read and learnt so much about it. Living with a BPD sufferer is either absolutely fantastic or absolutely wretched. There is no in between. I am grieving for the loss of her at the moment and am worried for her future. I wish I could have helped her, I thought if I perservered she would believe and see I loved her. Nothing and no-one will be good enough. It has been the most painful experience of my life.

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  4. To the two Anonymous's above

    I feel your pain. Either of you could be describing my situation. 2 years with someone who "loved me to death" then disappeared or froze me out the minute I was perceived to have said anything he didn't want to hear. It was walking on eggshells constantly.

    After I found him online after a fairly ordinary disagreement, I told him to go. Two weeks later he was texting telling he was out and going to pick up a woman if I didn't let him come over. I told him he was disgusting to which he said he was coming over because I was "pissing him off" He arrived, 2am and drunk, but all loved up telling me I was the best thing in the world. I read the riot act to him to which he started to cry and said he knew he had a problem. He denied the online thing, even though I told him his profile name and password (that I had guessed) to his photo, even swore on his children's lives that he wasn't on it, until I produced a printout of his profile and his photo. He then said he was addicted to it but had never done anything other than look and it was because I made him feel insecure. He agreed to see a psych and was pretty good until he stopped going and the stress started again and then it got worse than ever. I finally walked two months ago. The hardest thing I've ever done. You do get over the pain, and then just realise that, no matter how good they've made you feel, you can't "cure them" and it will only happen again. I hope others have the strength to do the same. It's not easy. I know it only too well.

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  5. The solution is "Self Love." Anyone involved with a BDP will suffer greatly and be so confused, disoriented and off balance that it will take some time to get yourself rational. Yes you love this person, but this person is not capable of loving you. The best thing is to close the door completely and stop all contact. Go up into analytical mind and read everthing you can on this disorder. When you feel yourself missing this person or feeling weak, simply begin reading about the disorder to remind you of what lay ahead should you return. Realize that you have a connection energetically between the two of you. This energetic connection needs to be "Cut". Google "cutting cords" to learn about this. Also learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder because many BDP's also have NPD. Look into your childhood to see similarities between this person and your caretakers. Heal old wounds. Also remember that breaking up with personality disordered people is much harder than breaking up with NORMAL people. WHY? Because the relationship was so loaded with intensity, passion and ups and downs. It is the equivalent of being addicted to a drug and getting over this dependence. The highs and the lows are just like a drug addiction. The highs with these people are higher than the typical highs you have with a "healthy" person because healthy people will not "OVERVALUE" you and put you up on a pedastal. They will see you as an equal. Ask yourself why you needed to be overvalued like this. Your goal needs to be a life filled with Peace and you will never have this with a Personality Disordered Person. Give up the dream and give it to God. Learn from this realtionship and take these lessons with you to help others you meet in life. Focus on what you really want and need in a lifetime mate. Write this down and then compare this to what you really have or had with your ex or soon to be ex. By looking at the internet, I am completely AMAZED at how many websites are dedicated to partners who are suffering from this mentally ill people. It is astounding. Remember that you are not alone and do not forget your spiritual essence. Myself, getting away from this person took all the strength I had and then some. They do not want to let you go and will keep trying, but take care of yourself first. Do not let them make you feel guilty as guilt is the number one reason people return to bad relationships. BDP's are great at inducing guilt. Be stong.

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  6. I am glad i found this site. I met a man that i thought was my soulmate. he was warm loving perfect. we became engaged after 6 months and that is when he started to display some strange behaviors. he out of the blue would become angry with no cause, calling me a "nut job" " i dont need this in my life" when a minute before i was the love of his life. these moments became more frequent and i felt like i was going crazy because i didnt understand the triggers. he just broke of the engagement and has devastated me because the day before we were discussing the future and then all of a sudden he wanted out stating it was my fault and i honestly dont know what i did! it is very confusing. from what i am reading this is "splitting" and it is horrible! i am not a child i am45 and have never experienced this behavior before. can anyone validate this experience and tell me i am not alone? i just found out he is on a dating site just 2 weeks after breaking it off. are bpd able to feel any regrets or feel sorry that they have hurt anyone? i told him i loved him during breakup and he told me to stop saying that. could he have left me because he was subconciusly afraid i would leave? thanks for any input

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  7. I had the same thing happen to me. We had an amazing life plan, and then it was gone, And then it was back! and round and round it would go. I also saw how he broke up with the woman before me - suddenly blaming her for all kinds of things, and she was really a sweetheart who deserved none of it, and was left completely confused. THAT was a red flag for me, but should have been the finish line. But we talked about being "soul-mates", and I truly felt like we were. I developed cancer and he left because HE wasn't getting enough nurturing because I stayed in my family's home close to the hospital instead of out of town with him. I was also told it was my own fault that I was sick. Well, maybe part of it was, for sticking through cycles of craziness and trying to meet his endless and immediate demands. In any case, yes, I can validate your experience. There were always women in the wings. And he would keep them there by talking about how tough his life was and how he had been recently thinking about them. He would start up very intense relationships with them quickly after telling me he wanted time on his own.
    When I write this (and it's only a bit of the experience), I can't believe that 1) I would put up with any of it, and 2) that I would still love him, but it does seem to be the case... I do feel addicted, and it is difficult for others in my life to understand why I can't just get over him. i think part of it was the amazing future we planned, and me actually believing it could happen. He has told me he is sorry, and has told me I would be better off without him. I think that's the "real" him, so I do believe they can feel some kind of regret, but it is enmeshed with feelings of being a victim themselves. Mine has told me the whole relationship was pain, yet after the first year he wrote me a letter saying it was the best year of his life. So, selective remembering is also a big part of it all.

    I wish you well in your own recovery from this! I'm still trying to pick up my pieces and assemble them.

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  8. I have BPD and i have lots of regrets about things ive caused in my life so many highs and lows like being on a roller coaster daily..i would do anything to be normal ..

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  9. To the person who has BPD, all I can say is get the help you need and know you can make life better for yourself. If you offered help take it and stick with it. It won't be easy because you will want to reject and dismiss the people helping you but have to trust them in order to come out the other side. You can do it, you can be normal, it just takes hard work and time.

    As for the regrets, they will sort themselves out as you heal and you can explain to yourself and understand them. Probably talk to the people involved in a open way that helps them heal. Yes, you might have done what you have done but at the end of the day you are unwell just as someone who has a cold and can't go to work, you can't blame yourself and beat yourself up about it. It's just not going to help.

    Good Luck and I wish you well. I don't blame my ex partner with BPD for what happened in our relationship. She didn't want what happened to happen as much as I didn't want it. She was just programmed that way. She is a lovely woman, just unwell at the end of the day, I wish things were different and we could talk. One day I hope she gets help and we can talk. Then maybe I will get closure on the relationship.

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  10. My bdp accused me of being a con - artist/manipulative bitch, emotional blackmailer when he was raging on me.

    I cans see now these are his qualities.

    he twists stories -

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  11. When I was split black it was a very clear moment in the history of the relationship. I had come up for the weekend and we had made plans for dinner, she saying earlier in the day "there's nothing I'd rather do than make you dinner and spend time at home together".

    A couple days before we had talked on the phone and had a heart to heart that ended with her saying "I want us to get serious" and "I want to be the person you can trust". After making plans for dinner and repeatedly confirming the plans the plans changed as they always did with her. It was astonishing how frequently things changed with her. She was always making everyone else a priority, people she hardly knew and with me she could never be pinned down to anything (fear of commitment?).

    It was the weekend and she told me to meet her at a bar first instead of going to her house because she had some friends in town, guy friends, these were people that she use to work with, pretty much just acquaintances. It got later and later in the evening and she was there with three other guys who were flirting with her and they were hanging all over her. I was staying at her house and she came over to me and said "I hate going to the grocery store on a Saturday night its so busy, you should just get something to eat here." Honestly I didn't know what to make of it, her behavior was so... I was floored. Then I looked over and one of the guys is giving her a massage at the bar and she's smiling away, the center of attention.

    I couldn't handle it so I left, went to her house and grabbed my stuff and drove 150 miles home. She saw that I had left and messaged me "it's over, it's over between you and me, everything I do makes you mad." No remorse, no apologies, no "I'm sorry", no explanations.

    The real sick part of the story is that she kept messaging me and calling me days later and we eventually talked and she said that the guy giving her a massage was just a "touchy guy" and she had tons of reasons for her actions, saying that she "just lives her life differently than mine" when it came to plans and I ended up giving her the benefit of the doubt and took her back after all that went down. A friend of mine was also at the bar that night and said that she left but then came BACK to the bar later that same night. How's that for icy?

    The words and actions of a borderline are two completely separate things. They are capable of the most incomprehensible cruelty and will then turn it around and justify what they did making it seem like you're the one with the problem. My "problem' in this case was that I failed to realize her "love of people" and she wanted to be with someone who cherished that gift of hers not criticized it. Wow, what a disaster.

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  12. My bpd was a surgeon who abused and became addicted to both Wellbutrin as well as Alcohol. As long as I was bailing him out of all his legal woes and malpractice lawsuits (im an attorney) I was the love of his life. As soon as I tried to have the State Med Society do a very badly needed intervention, bham I was split blacker then black. In 2007 he wrote me a long love letter picture perfect Borderline adoration (which is what hooks us) saying stuff like; you loved me unfailingly, you gave me more credit then I ever gave myself, etc.. 2 years later he wrote I was evil incarnate and the worst mistake of his life. In that same document he had the never to accuse me of "splitting". So I got to deal with both splitting and hideous projection at the same time. As for remorse- there wasnt any, even when he cheated and gave me a VD with a woman he picked up on the internet there wasnt one shred of remorse. It was all just blame, blame, blame. And in the end- even though he was seen and diagnosed by over 7 different shrinks- he said it was me who was sick and he was just fine- thank you

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  13. Wow...I feel like what I'm reading matches my ex's behavior exactly. Our brief, intense relationship lasted only 2 months. Although she had very rigid rules for me, she apparently could do whatever she wanted. I'm still recovering from her lashing out at me for the things I did "wrong", such as not calling or texting enough, or calling or texting at the "wrong" time (she was suspicious of everything and accused me of the most absurd things.) She also appeared to have a double life. Although she's gay and swears that her mother knows about her, she was never able to talk to me on the phone in front of any family members, especially her mother. (Who's probably a borderline as well.) Sad. Very Sad.

    This has been the most confusing breakup for me. The first month was wonderful and amazing. The second month was painful, a constant struggle of me "proving" my love and how trustworthy I am, and she still doubted the proof (even phone records). I was stressed out, I felt rejected and I was getting sick every week, so I ended it.

    The most disturbing thing is not getting an apology for her rotten behavior. That's what makes this so difficult to accept. I think it's human nature to want to restore or to yearn for what you once had (the first blissful month). I've been referring to a list of her last episodes (how they were draining, a waste of time and energy, and how they physically made me ill), to remind myself why I had to end it.

    I understand that people with BPD don't mean the harm they do to others through their words and behavior, however if a responsible adult notices that they have so many failed relationships, I think it's irresponsible of them to not seek help, through counseling and/or appropriate medication.

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  14. To the last poster good luck in getting an apology they never seem to admit they have done anything wrong. In all the time I was with my BPD ex I can count the number of times they said sorry on one hand and in only one case did I believe they really meant it and that was just before they left. In fact it was at that point that they realised what they did to people said that relationships weren't for them. Of course that realisation didn't last long and before they left they were already starting a new relationship with a married person. It started out as a one night stand thing but really they were getting them into the perfect love trap. Thankfully for that person they saw sense and backed away before it was too late and saved their marriage. The BDP ex's current partner has been pulled in hook line and sinker and they are going to end up in the same mess as all their previous partners. However, much you love them don't ever expect a sorry for once you are gone you are demonised and all they loved you for is melted away. Why, because love they are really interested in is superficial and it is only on the surface. If you don't stick to the rules and give what they demand then you are history and you are as good as dead in their minds.

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  15. My wife of 15 years started showing signs of BPD about a year after we married. She started behaviors that threw flags up a mile high. Telling me I was a coward if I didn't tell my boss I didn't want to go out of town for business (abandonment), isolating our relationships with others with starting fights, and becoming enraged if I disagreed with her on anything. I was left feeling like I never really knew her at all. She complained about feeling invisible, fat, worthless, and unwanted because I didn't do what she expected even though she never expressed her feelings or wants to me. But the worst part for me is the constant lying and hiding things and fight that ensues when she's caught red handed. It's entirely too much.

    She lost her job last year as a nurse because she was having sex with coworkers on the clock. When I spoke with one of them, he told me she slept with him then started calling him constantly telling him she loved him and what an awesome father he would be. She explained to him I was divorcing her because she found an attorney's card in my wallet. The sad fact is I'm a police officer and she only saw an irrational impending divorce because an attorney gave me a business card for a case I was on. You'd have to take my word on this, but I'm a very family oriented, old fashioned values kind of guy so this news floored me. Especially after having 15 years of the roller coaster of never feeling good enough..or too good to be true...hate..love..fight..make up..etc.

    In the last year I have been split and then enamored again and split again. I didn't know a thing about BPD until a few weeks ago when I went to counseling for the crippling frustration and chaos she causes. I was told she has every sign of the BPD (bankruptcy, depression, infidelity, no sense of self, abuse of pills and diet pills, immediate flip of love/hate, thoughts of suicide, reckless driving, no personal relationships at all, an absolute fear of being abandoned, and no sense of personal responsibility for anything / blame of her failures on me) but getting her to get help will be impossible unless she wants to. I was assured (and yes, it was more than one visit) that I was emotionally stable but my anxiety came from trying to live "normally" with an irrational person.

    I agree with most of the posts on this page that living with a BPD is very difficult and for me personally it's impossible. Knowing everything I know now is like watching a mystery movie of the last 15 years and getting to the end when the clues are revealed and the answer makes sense. I love my soon to be ex wife as a person and I hope she gets help someday, but I'm spent, beat up, and personally I feel I deserve something better. Infidelity to me cuts the cord of the vows I took and I cannot be her hero and rescue her from herself.

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    Replies
    1. WOW! You have almost exactly described my 7-year marriage. My soon to be ex is a dietician except a nurse but she was doing all of the same things. I feel the same way; I love her but I can't do it anymore.

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  16. Dear 45 year old, This is new to you so prepare for the battle with yourself. You have been infected with toxic love and are an addict with out knowing it. You did nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you at all. The person you love did not love you. They simply needed you to love them and did what they did to get you to do so. They need attention so bad because it validates them as worthy. One person or source will never ever ever be enough. Its why girls do porn. It makes them feel needed and desired. You can relate to how good that feels but your ex needs it so bad they can never be satisfied. His relationship with you was a fix but now preventing him from getting it elsewhere. This was not love it was about controlling a source of validation. BEWARE because now rejecting you and seeing you suffer is also validating and empowering him. He has flipped and never really cared about anything other then his own validation. He does not know love but fakes it to get love. I know how painful that is. Keep reading, we all do. Your best course of action now is to cut him off and invalidate him. DO NOT play into it and give him the satisfaction of seeing your pain. It will give him no reason to come back. WHICH you dont want either, however watching him beg you may give you closure and help you see how pathetic he really is. NEVER take him back no matter how hard he begs. He will destroy you. Coldness like that is no mistake. If he's not calling its on purpose to abuse you and keep your attention. Do not fall for it. You are at war. He's an emotional terrorist and just flew a plane into your building. His weapons are camoflague, deciet, affection, sympathy and manipulation. It's not real. He cannot win unless you surrender. Get angry now and resist calling him. Cry all you want but never let him see it. He's far more insecure then you. Crumble that S.O.B. Any attempt to see if you are okay is fake. We all love you.

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  17. They are far more screwed up then you give them credit for. They are not adults emotionally. They are like kids throwing rocks off an over pass. They do what excites them with no understanding of the consequences to others. They know its wrong enough to run when an accident happens and deny everything when they get caught.

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  18. Im 2 months out of my relationship with a BPDg/f..I have been hidden away staring at 4 walls for the last 5 years, never meeting any of her friends, her never wanting to do anything with me but always with her friends

    She never wanted to know my children and her reason being my youngest looks like my ex wife..

    I was constantly told i was her soul mate, the love of her life , her rock , how she wanted to get married to me next year but yet if i was to even try and talk to her about how she treated me and our relationship it was all change and i was hated, a loser , it was all my fault for making her angry, i was a broken record and so hard done to..then i would get the silent treatment and it was me that would chase to try and make things right and resolve things and ultimatley end up apologising..but at the end the physical abuse started with her, hitting me with objects,punching me and digging nails in during an arguement and when i asked why she did that she would say because it makes me feel better and i hate you..

    Then without warning she dumps me via txt message and is with another guy the next day

    I have learnt alot over the last 2 months about these people but it as put me into therapy for what i put up with and also my codependency issue that allowed me to tolerate abuse

    Just wanted to tell my story and any opinions are welcome

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  19. this article helps me understand and accept more fully the splitting black/addiction cycle. i too have a yearning for my bpd and i to make amends,at least. i suppose she has acquired her few confidants support for her painting me all bad and the distortions of my character she uses to make me seem like a totally evil person while she makes herself out to be the poor victim who has done nothing wrong. somehow i just want to redeem myself from this false labelling.

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  20. This is remarkable, truly remarkable. All these comments and stories explain my situation perfectly. I've basically been one of the "women in the wing" for a guy with BDP for the past year and a half. We offficially dated for about 2 and a half months and he told me he wasn't good enough for me and that I would find someone that would love me. I was completely shocked. He also claimed he just wasn't ready for a relationship. (When of course duing the honeymoon BPD period, he spoke of his dreams of getting married, having a family, and finding happiness). So he dropped me cold (I'm a 30 yr old professional) and within a week had a college girlfriend and was "in a relationship" with her. It took him about 2 months to get back in touch with me. I engaged him, because he had that something, that BPD something now I know right?! Lol. We did things together. Every time they broke up, we got physical. Everytime I would try to date someone else, he'd come frantically claiming to have feelings for me, have a break up with his girlfriend, and then after about a week would go back to her, saying it just wasn't the right time for he and I. He just didn't feel anything anymore.

    To be continued...

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  21. (continued from above )......Anyways, he finally just walked away from his girlfriend, and from what I can see, it was bad. She had moved away from her family to be with him and everythign. To end it, he just posted on his facebook "Game over I'm done". (He never explained this to me, I just observed) Best I know of, he didn't look back. She was such a sweetheart, and young. I'm sure she's damaged. Understanding all this now, I bet he just said "I'm done", and gave her no closure. Anyways, despite seeing that, I played his game for a couple months longer, 3 and a half months to be exact (and here I am today!). He told me after he broke up with her that he didn't want anything "formal" with me until he "got right". He of course took sex, but I was more than insistent on giving it, so I can't blame him for that. Throughout the past 3 months, I've gone through the whole push/pull thing like crazy, even though he'd tell me we can't be together. He'd claim he was "working on things". He told me he was doing counseling (because I recommended that he do it, at the time for depression, I thought maybe bi-polar). That turned out to be a complete lie. The more and more I think about his stories, his lies were unbelievable. And he can lie to your face like you wouldn't believe. So anyways, about a month ago, I ran across a thing about sociopaths...convinced myself he was one, told him to f-off and blocked him from everything. He ended up texted me from a friends phone, and I ended up entertaining another week with him. He ran to me, claimed he wanted to make things right and just wanted to be with one woman and it was me (this was always our problem, I couldn't handle that he talked to other women, he claimed he couldn't help it but was trying to let go). So a couple days went by, and I tried to text him on a Saturday night because I just had a feeling, and come to find out he was on a date! We fought the next day and again said goodbye. That following week I seriously was on the verge of a mental break-down. I was luckily able to get into a counselor and get on meds. That week I ran across the BPD diagnosis...and it fits him like a glove. So despite knowing the dramatic severity of this diagnosis and the difficulty in treating it, I went back to him several times, initiating the game again. It's insane, it's truly an addiction. My counselor says it's about my upbringing, that my mother never attached to me, and blah blah. Well she's right. The unfortunate part, is that Non BDPs truly form an incredible bond with the BDP, because of childhood experiences I suppose. This bond creates ongoing pain, missing them, and prohibits us from bonding with others. ( I know it has me). My counselor has sent me to a pranic energy healer. He showed me how to "cut the cord of attachment". The first night I did it, and he went through the motion of detatching me from "him", it was intense....I felt tremendous emotion. It was funny, the healer guy said as I was leaving, "I think you definately need to come back and do this again within a week....I'm afraid these attachments will come back". I knew driving home I could do this, lose this attachment. Well, what did I do?.....I got a hold of him the next day. We got together, shot guns, had sex. It's been a few days, and I've told him once again to leave me alone. But it's funny.....I told him this after I sent him several texts today which he ignored. I sent him an article about BDPs and how he is driving me crazy. He basically just said, "sorry, I understand, please take care". I believe he was/is in a splitting black phase of me anyways, so I don't think he cared. It's a horrible feeling, a horrible attachment. I'm going back to the energy healer guy again next week. I have to do this! I have to let go!!! (to be continued again!!!)

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  22. (continued again)...God bless you all who have been and are involved with those with BPD, and God bless those of you with BPD. I truly believe that most of those with BPD do not want to be that way, they long to be normal. Unfortunately, the fact that they do want to be different doesn't take the pain away, from either the BPD or the non BPD.
    God Bless and peace to all your minds! Whew! Em

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  23. I broke up with my borderline about 3 months ago. I still can NOT get her out of my “head”. I think about her all the time! It’s driving me nuts. Just in the last few days, I have been “craving” her – in a sexual ways. This is new or first. These “cravings” are now all the time.

    We only dated for about 9 months.

    I am doing things, that are NOT in my character. Like drinking – I hardly ever drank, before 2 months ago. Now, I am having “black outs”. In the morning, I look at my phone. I have called her, but have not talked to her or even left a message.

    Again, I am going nuts. What can I do? Any helps and/or suggestions?

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  24. The harsh truth is you will need alot more time to heal. I was in a BPD relationship for nearly three years,i am now two and a half years post BPD relationship. I turned the corner about five months ago and from then on felt released. Everyone's is different and i really don't know how long it will take for you but three months is just the cold turkey period. Take care and know that you will recover whereas the BPD will never.

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  25. I agree - it just takes more time than one would have imagined to get over it, past it - be strong enough not to be dragged back in. My guess is at 3 months you still have some going back/short honeymoon/being split/horrible addictive thinking/and pure hell to endure yet.
    An interesting point is that everyone talks about "the hook" "the addiction" - I find that fascinating. I've read some about trauma bonding and I think it hits the nail on the head. Like kidnappers or being captured in war when they send the "good guy" (intimate connection, sweet love) in to soften you up, then the "mean guy" (blame, guilt and sick accusations) comes in and is ruthless. This is a BPD. They break you down and confuse you until you feel like the insane one.
    I so want something better. I have had other intense relationships in my life that were nothing like that one. I don't think that vibrant feeling has to come with unkindness, a twisted reality, and manipulation. Being with a BPD teaches you more about what you don't want - and gives you some glimpses of what you do want as well.

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  26. I was with a woman with BPD for 25 years. After I left she won custody of our two children, who I'm allowed to see just enough so I do not threaten her control of them. Having children with someone with BPD is a very bad mistake. Kill yourself before you do this because you will surely come to curse yourself for not taking this option while you could.

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  27. My ex bpd girlfriend only painted me black when she started dating our neighbor. As soon as I started to suspect that something was going on just days after she split with me, I all of a sudden became the one who "emotionally abused her and psychologically scarred her". As soon as I caught her in a lie about who she had gone camping with one long weekend and found a toque of the neighbour's under her pillow, she cut me off so fast it would have made your head spin. As soon as I demanded an explanation, she lied and made up ridiculous stories that were so far fetched it makes me laugh just to think about it. (The toque was under her pillow to remind her to send it back to the former neighbor who had moved...LOL). God how stupid does she think I am? From that point on, she had no contact with me whatsoever. She moved out while I was at work 5 days before she was supposed to because she did not want me to be there for the move. When I came home that night, I found a box which contained everything I had ever given her with a note that said "Happy Housewarming :)" What a b*tch!

    Now that she has finally moved out, I know that I will never see or hear from her again. In her mind I am the most horrible/abusive/toxic/miserable person that she has ever been with (those were her words to me). Too bad she is so delusional, because if she really looked at her own behavior over the past 6 years of our relationship, she would discover that she was actually the horrible/abusive/toxic/miserable one. That her mood swings, pot addiction, shopping addiction, half truths, lies, seasonal breakups, passive aggressiveness, silent treatments, projecting, blaming, criticism, lack of accountability and finally conditional love were a form of abuse directed at me and made life unbearable with her. Being painted black/splitting is just part of the arsenal that these mentally ill individuals use to abuse and control us more. Nothing new here.

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  28. I just can't believe there are other people who have gone through what I've suffered through. None of my friends or family understand the depth of anguish...and yet all of you describe my BPD relationship EXACTLY. I have felt so completely alone (aside from a therapist who has helped me SEE what this is!)

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  29. Its been a year and a half. It took a full year to get it out of my head. A year of hell stuck in my own mind. What a nightmare. I still can't believe who she really is. I never felt like that about anyone before. I never felt so loved. She was wonderful but that person never really existed. Everything she said was a lie. In one moment, all our plans for the future, a simple life, a child, everything she wanted and convinced me to want, was gone. I just wanted to make her happy. Nothing will ever hurt that much again.

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  30. I was in a serious relationship with a beautiful gal for 2 years. We went back and forth a few times for different reasons. I was usually the one to pull back. I felt like I could not trust her because I kept catching her in lies. It was confusing because they were small lies yet she would stand firm in her lie even when it was clear she was lying. Maybe my codependency played a part in me pulling back too, not sure. I really felt like we were in love despite going back and forth. I made the decision to pull back a couple of months ago again because of a lie and poor communication. I regretted my decision and tried to rekindle the relationship once again. I thought we could fix everything and suggested we go to therapy (and asked her to marry me). She told me she needed to think about it but we should go on this trip that we had planned and that would likely bring us closer together. I was very clear that I only wanted to go on the trip if we were going to try to work things out between us and we agreed not to date. She assured me that was her intent. We went on the trip and at the end of this trip, I find out she has a new boyfriend that she had been with for the last 30 days (right after we broke up). She had been been telling me she loved me on the trip and we fooled around as well. So I was not happy to find out about the new bf obviously. In the heat of the moment, I e-mailed her new bf pictures of us on our trip and tell him we were together etc.... She gets extremely pissed at me and makes up a long story about how she broke up with me 7 months ago and I had been stalking her. She then proceeds to get a restraining order based on all of these lies (including stating I got physical with her which never happened). Now maybe I should not have sent the e-mails but I did not do anything she stated in the restraining order. So I end up having to hire an attorney to defend myself. Our attorney's meet and I provide a ton of evidence that shows she is lying about everything. My attorney's come back to me and say, she is now alleging you raped her. Wow, this was a shocker. This is when I knew something was wrong with this girl. I spoiled her when we were together and when we fought we rarely even raised our voices. I started researching on line and discovered she has most of the BPD symptoms. She has not been diagnosed but she is suicidal and she has an alcohol problem. Her lawyer said she is willing to drop the restraining order (after I incurred 25k in legal fees) and the rape thing never came up again after they reviewed all the evidence I provided (including many text messages saying she loved me). Now i'm dealing with the aftermath. The woman that I loved and thought would be my wife, filed a bogus restraining order against me and said I raped her. What is really messed up is I miss her very much.

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  31. I'm so lost :( - i didn't know my ex husband had a mental health issues, i didn't aknowledge the red flags.. same storey as everyone else, worldwind romance, he purposed after 2 months and we married 8 months later- i did start seeing the changes early on, jealous, controlling but i figured if i tried harder to prove my love for him he would calm down.. i am not perfect, i make mistakes and have regret, but i was honest, loving, caretaking, and loyal to him.. we divorced after 2 1/2 years of marriage. he left me, he admitted he divorced me to punish me, that he didnt want the divorce but he had to follow thru with his word
    (that he was throwing a tantrum)- he also started a relationship with someone he started chatting with on the interneet... whats weird is she was very spirtial and he starts quoting the bible and took on a total different personality... i had no idea who this man was... we had a repeated pattern, any time i would question things he did that were hurtful or disagreed with his logic (controlling) he would threaten to leave the relationship, i would validate his feelings, apologize for having my feelings and promise to try harder to make the changes in myself that he requested. When the relationship broke down, i raged back, i said mean hurtful things - i stood up to his projection and false accusations, i called him out on his sick twisted personality. Our breakup was horrible, i felt i was going crazy and he just kept engaging me in the conflict, it was always half truths destorted - thanks to his ex wife, and ex fiance i found out what narcissistic borderline is. i was split back for standing up and fighting, he torured me for months nowing i love him, came back to reconcile to only stab the knife even further in, he has never apologized for things said or done to hurt me, yet i have apologized a million times to him.. Now he is telling everyone that i was mentally/verbally abusive, that he can do so much better then me, what a mistake i was, that i'm a wacko and total fabrications to my character. Here's the sickest part.. I still love him, i'm still trying to apologize for hurting him - what is wrong with me?

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  32. Try not to beat yourself up for missing her. In my experience it is because they gave you everything you possibly needed from another person and this is what you are missing. I am 4 months out of a 5 year relationship like all of yours and am at the moment ignoring his attempts to re-engage with me. Believe me, it isn't easy to ignore but I am lucky to be in a place now where I recognise that I am not the terrible person that he told me I was whenever I didn't live up to his expectations or called him on a lie, manipulative behaviour, dishonesty, etc. I know that it isn't easy right now and there are days that are harder than others but really what genuinely nice, caring person deserves to be treated so badly that they end up doubting everything that they believed and liked about themself. Stay away from your exes, they can;t help themselves as they are genuinely mentally ill. It took me a long time to understand why my memories and perceptions of situations involving my ex and I were always invalidated and why every problem we had was my fault. Borderline personality disorder is a terrible illness and no one deserves to be on the receiving end of a person with this illness. I am working on being my own best friend so that my issues around being alone will not keep me in the wrong relationship ever again and maybe it would be helpful to you to explore the reasons you stayed with someone who obviously did not deserve you. We all deserve so much more from a partner who professes to love us more than anyone they have ever met before. ;-)

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  33. I have to say Im just not understanding how this disease is even possible or how the bpd and bp people live with themselves knowing the destruction they have caused. My exgf went from treating me like we were soulmates to hurting my feelings every chance she could. for some reason she felt the need to tell me every piece of crap thing that happened in her life and how much she wasnt happy for anyones happienss. Then she turned on me. She slapped me, and instead of apologizing told me a story of another guy she slapped. She was taking celexa and when I told her I knew about her medications she threatened to contact the police on me if I came to get my stuff. She then freaked out one night on the phone and my friend was there to witness it. When I told her that my friend heard her cussing out everyone one she knew, she stopped talking to me for a week and followed up with a text explaining herself and greatness and sent it to me to send to MY FRIENDS she never met, and talked about me in third person saying I was insecure. She also dumped me and went out with another guy and came back saying the guy was a loser and went out with him to get rid of me because she doesnt feel safe with her emotions and is out of control. I endured this for 5 months and I finally told her that I cared for her deeply but I am leaving because I couldnt take anymore abuse. Problem is I miss her and want to talk to her. I know everytime it got worse going back but I am jealous of the next guy that gets her because what if he gets the best of her and all I got was the crap. I never been treated so badly and I was GREAT to her needs. I could use advice on how to move on because I knew her before we started dating and she seemed normal. Now she hates me for walking away but I just couldnt take anymoe abusse. Thnaj

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    Replies
    1. Commit the following statements to memory:

       She won’t change.
       You can’t make her better.
       She doesn’t love you.
       Things really were that bad.
       You can’t be friends with her.
       She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.
       You can't have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person
       She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.
       A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.
       You deserve better.
       You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

      Delete
  34. I just broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago and I believe he has BPD. We were only together for about 5 months. What started as a friend with benefits rapidly turned into a relationship that qickly became crazy. He would flip wanting to know about my sexual history(which I did not divulge) calling me all kinds of nasty names and then say i'm sorry I really dont believe the things I say that when he starts to care about someone he doesnt know how to act right. I just blew off his behavior because he was going to move across the country for 4 months and I didnt think I was as attached but clearly I was. He moved about a month ago and things began to change. When we lived in the same town he was contstantly calling texting wanting to know my every move and now I text and call and he takes hours sometimes to respond. Its like when he was into me and being crazy I thought he cared and when he wasnt im thinking does he not love me anymore?? Now im feeling like the crazy one adapting to his sick way of thinking.He would be mad if I cried because of missing him saying this is why I cant talk to you your always crying then 2 minutes later he'd say please dont cry I love you. Since I ended things im expecting all these calls and texts and bracing myself to have the courage to ignore him and he hasnt said one word. It didnt end on a bad note. he said he was sorry he always screwed things up I wished him well and he starts in about who am i leaving him for I told him I was doing this for myself and neither of us are happy. I think I just need him to flip out on me just so I can get some kind of reaction, him not saying anything is so confusing. But I see there are alot of us out there that feel the same as I do right now. I am at least blessed to have two clinical psychologists as very good friends and have knowledge of the disorder. One of them actually dated a BPD for 5 years so she definately knows what were all going through. But if any of you have any thoughts on why he hasnt said anything to me I would like to hear them. Im sure its just because hes latched onto someone else but as intense as our relationship was why didnt he flip out or even tried to get me back?? It seems in every story there ex BPD would try or want them back except for mine. If he doesnt I know I should consider myself lucky but at the same time its hurting my ego because I am attractive and successful and cant even get this dysfunctional person to try to get me back. I guess a big part of the reason I want him to try to contact me is so I can ignore him and hurt him the way he hurt me!!

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