Friday, January 8, 2010

Tell Her This: Life After First Moving Out On The BPD

I thought I wrote about this, but I just scoured the post archive and can't find anything. As a writer, I often compose posts in my head before I write them; some posts never get down on paper, obviously.

At the end of the relationship with the Borderline Personality, things were going badly. I gave her a timeline for getting it together, and obviously, someone who has Borderline Personality cannot get it together, so I moved out.

When I moved out, I told her that I wanted to continue to work on the relationship and for us to reconcile. She said no, but after a week, we got back together.

The first time we got back together, things were in their normal borderline nature. We went out to dinner, and I ordered espresso. "That's funny, you've never ordered espresso before..." A whole fight was started on the fact that I ordered espresso.

Jeez, talk about a world where your every thought is controlled. The evening ended poorly.

The next day, she came over my new place. We had a nice day. We were back to normal.

"I've got a song to play for you," I said. I then played the following song for her. I felt so bad that I cried.

"Den, we'll be fine. I love you," she said.

I really thought things were going to be okay. I thought that she finally realized who I was and that I wasn't someone that was out to get her.

Looking back, I compromised so much for her that I wouldn't have been happy long term. My mission in life became about keeping the relationship stable. You need to have a stable relationship so you can go on adventures in the world.

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.


  1. I had to face it,my life would be constantly keeping the relationship alive. Everytime i'd "fix" it,he would create another drama for me to go through and put the pieces back together again. My love was never enough,it had to be proved to him in this way. When i eventually left the relationship i was running on empty. It's taken me alot longer than i thought to pick myself up. If your in a relationship with a BPD,never let yourself go this far,leave something for yourself. My parting words to him were "you wear people out".
    Your blog has helped me tremendously,along with counselling and medication. Thankyou.

  2. "My mission in life became about keeping the relationship stable", basically sums it up. Everytime we did get back together, she would have these 'sudden' anxiety attacks that last only long enough for me to 'rescue' her. It could be about anything but usually it was about 'her' worry around our relationship, even if we had had a nice evening together and I had spent the night. This last time what I led up to her breaking things off (oh, and they can sound do logical and nice aboiut it too) was me talking about not spending every night at her place since I had my own, that I was tired of living out of a bag. Of course her disappearing on weekend (with someone else I assume), ignoring me, then making it out to be my fault before she broke things off did not help. One day things were fine (well as much as they can be in a borderline relationship*wink*) and in one night I was split, she disassociated from me (easy to do when you have another lover right) and bam it was over. On to the drama of me bing now completely ignored, accused of stalking her because I was calling, etc. That's how they get you, demand all of your attention, keep you on your toes by keeping the relationship unstable(if your in it long enough and develope the proximity craziness you'll both add to this btw).

    I used to have a note she made for me that said, "Daviebee, We'll get through this together. I love you ALWAYS! Love Bootsiebee" I burned it this last time, because she was never there when it counted and she had another lover lined up to make her feel good. I'm not proud of my 'craziness" that I demonstrated this last time, gave her a lot of ammo to make my life silently miserable but the last thing I wrote her was that I needed her to tell me she did not love me. Guess what, she replied "I don't love you, YOU pissed it all away."

  3. My BPD-ex always told me during the relationship that all her former ex'es wanted her back after 6 months...they cried on the phone.. She told it in a narcistic manner. At that moment I didn't understand anything she said. But its true, you do forget the worst things of the relationships after some time and long back to good moments...this will increase the pain and trauma's...and make you easy target for hoovering... You feel like you want her back. But do you really want advice: LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU WELL AND LOVE YOU..I knew I was going to feel this, but I try to remember myself that a normal relationship with her can not be astablished... how typically I recieved a phone call from her 6 months later.. I didn't catch the bait.. I stayed on my own....alone with my pain..after a borderline break-up you have a lot of..what if's...but remind yourself that you cannot change yourself as you can change history, only the path that lies in front of you can be changed and you can emerge as better person.

    "The greatest victory is not in rising, but rising everytime you fall" ....but don't fall back in the same hole twice


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