Monday, January 11, 2010

Relationship Breakup Songs, BPD Songs and Others

I recently went through the blog and added videos to all of the songs -- in some places, I added general videos that may not have been there before but were appropriate. Please let me know what you think.

A Multitude of Emotions
When healing from a relationship with someone suffering from borderline personality disorder, it's not like a normal breakup. You feel more raw, more exposed, more hurt than a normal relationship, and you need to heal more. As I've written before (and I'll cover in much more depth in the near future), you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a Borderline Breakup. It takes time and counseling for this to subside and heal.

Some of these songs made me break down and cry. I heard Tracy Chapman's Change and pulled my car over and balled. When I heard the Wailin Jennys sing Take It Down I broke down as well. Sarah McLaughlin's Fallen got me also.

All of the emotions weren't bad. From the beginning, I knew that I needed this change but knew how hard it would be. When I started Healing, I looked to The The's This is the Day. This past summer, I was on a tear with laying my troubles down, looking at my life and moving, or daring you to move. I'll hear a song like From Where You Are and realize how we can go back there sometimes and look at the world that we think we had built and miss it, even though it wasn't real.

There are so many more songs that I've interjected into this blog - it's another form of expression for me, and I hope they help provide another element to the emotions that we feel when we're recovering from a borderline relationship.

Raw Emotion
Music emotes our raw emotions. It reaches into our core and pulls out the raw emotion that we're feeling. If we're happy, it hits a happy chord. If we're sad, sad comes out. If we're hurting, the pain comes out.

It should come out. The emotions should come out. If they don't, you may be hiding them. Let them go. Give them away to the music and get lost in the music. We spend too much of our lives trying to hold on, when maybe we should let go a little more and let life take you where you need to go.


  1. Your right,music helps. Lyrics can cover all the years of torture in the relationship with a BPD partner. Not always slow ballads. I had Mr. Brightside by The Killers as one that described my ex-BPD to a T. Also Red by Daniel Merryweather described how he destroyed the relationship.

  2. I just know it has been 6 months and I still hurt so bad and miss my bipolar ex boyfriend. I was with him for 4 years. I wonder if he misses me at all or feels any pain. It doesn't seem so and that hurts more. It feels like I will never love someone like that again and that makes me sad...sorry for venting...he says he hates me and wants nothing to do with me...I don't know how he can just let go like that when all I long to do is be with him. Do they feel at all or remember..he just remembers bad times and not the good

  3. I'm sorry to learn of your pain. We all know what you are going through, it's not pleasant. People will tell you to 'move on' or 'just get over it'. If you were in a relationship with a BPD it's never that simple. If you haven't already I would highly recommend some therapy sessions with someone who specialises in BPD. Here are some things about BPDs that may assist you:

    1. The BPD doesn't feel the same way about you

    2. I doubt very much that he is missing you

    3. Yes, he will be feeling pain - they always do. But it's the pain of being himself, not the relationship failing

    4. Hopefully you will never love somebody like that again. Once you heal and find youself you will love again - real, mature, recipricated love. The love will be better.

    5. Yes, you will be sad, angry etc.. then you will forgive - but you must forgive yourself first. Remember, you were in love with nothing more than an illusion, I know this is painful but for true healing to take place you must acknowledge and accept this

    6. He feels the way he does towards you because of his illness - you have been split bad.

    7. A relationship with a BPD is all about the BPD - it's never about you. They wll remember things that you did together but only the part they played. Us Nons are nothing more than objects and tools to the BPD. They are incapable of thinking about anybody else other than themselves. It's all about them, it was never about you. They have so much inner turmoil and self hate they simply can't consider anyone else.

    I wish you all the best for your journey to recovery. Be youself, love yourself again, reconnect with old friends - rediscover yourself. When you find yourself you will find love and happiness.

  4. It's been over a year now since my break-up with my partner who I believe had BPD. I went through post tramatic stress disorder shortly after our last contact as it was extremely hurtful and mean. I was so confused during the relationship and felt like I was the cause of all her stress. She had blamed me for everything. I totally lost myself in trying to make her happy. We were engaged so all my dreams and hopes of the future with her were squashed. The recovery has been painful because I didn't discover she had this disorder until recently. I know in my heart that I love her very much but know now that it would have never worked unless she admitted her disorder and tried to get the treatment she needs. I hope she finds peace and contentment and I do miss her as she has so many amazing qualities but I have finally forgiven myself and realize it is something I had no control over to fix.

  5. I recently left my husband of only a few months after realizing he fits every catagory of a BPD. I have been belittled, torn down, shut out, and could never meet his expectations. It was either all or nothing with him. In April, we had a son together, not but a week later he was name calling, telling me I didnt amount to anything, saying I was no good in bed, etc. Nothing I said or did made him happy, I couldnt even take a shower at the right time. It truly saddens me to come to the realization that all I was to him was just another illusion. My heart and soul were committed to him and wanted nothing more than to be a happy family. He came from an abusive childhood, mother and father were alcoholics, so I understand how he is suffering from this disorder today. I have joined a Divorce Care group and am hoping to recover from the depression and sadness.....

  6. I have had an on again/off again with a bpd partner for almost 18 years. Over the years I have moved out, and moved away. Last year, after pleading from my ex, "You are the love of my life," I made the stupid decision to try it again. As could be predicted, 4 months later, another betrayal and as much as I hurt, I finally said "NO MORE." This person has sporadically tried to contact me, with emails stating, "I still love you."
    Here is the issue: I moved across the state,bought a house, 2 years ago to a beach town to start my life over. During the brief 4 month reconnection last year, my ex was here on weekends and such, a 4 hour drive from where she lives. I just found out that she bought a house 2 blocks from me. Not any house, but the house that I pointed out to her was the one I was interested in first--before I bought my current home. I feel devestated and violated. I don't know if she is planning on moving here full time or just for week end beach get-a-ways. Any suggestions on how to cope with this? I dread having to see her, bump into her, having her intigrate into my friends/neighborhood. And yes, I started therapy yesterday.... Thanks so much!

  7. Hopelessness. The overriding feeling I have been suffering for some months as I contemplated separating from my partner who absolutely suffers from BPD. My problem has been complex that I know I contributed in no small part to my own suffering.

    I quit my job, my family and friends, sold my house and moved 3500 miles across continents to be with my BPD partner. Of course within a year of moving to be with her, I found myself out on the streets in a foreign country with no friends and a wreck of a life. I had no idea how this happened or why. I went into therapy, not to talk about me, but to talk about her. The behaviors, the conversations. After a while, it was my own therapist who pulled out his DSMIV book and asked me to read a passage on BPD. The lightbulb moment. Suddenly, out of all the insanity came answers and predictability.

    I took it upon myself to research all I could. I attended dialectic behavioural therapy classes in an attempt to better understand my loved one at great cost and time. But I had to do 'all that I could' before I could walk away.

    Over time we managed to get back together. The 'love' flowed once more and we got engaged on a perfect winters evening in Rome. I trained myself in the art of compassion, choosing this pathway rather than one of confrontation and blame. For a while it seemed to work but as changes occured in my life, the perceived threats arose and the acting out escalated. I decided compassion was not working so I had nothing left to offer but an ultimatum. Either she faces up to her behaviors or I walk away. To her credit she did start back in therapy but these seem to be dominated about my own behavior and how it is all my fault. Then the 'lies' and 'manipulation'... everything became an illusion to protect herself. To the BPD sufferer it is not manipulation, it is just them being borderline. Once they are knowingly manipulating, then they are cured.

    I had an awakening and realised that it was all an illusion and this was the most devastating thing to come to deal with. How do we fall so desperately in love with these people that leaves us feeling as though we will never feel that one about someone else? To that end we can be just as cursed as those suffering but finding forgiveness for myself and not feeling guilty at 'abandoning' her again is my short term focus. Unless you have been consumed by a borderline relationship then you have no idea what it is like - your friends are often perplexed, your family quick to judge and it becomes a huge burden to carry this around. But we are the victims. A borderline has the ability to sniff us out, whatever weaknesses, humility and compassion we have, they can sense it a mile off - they are choosing us. But the power they have is just undescribable. I have sought spiritual guidance for explanations. The science part will tell you it is a defect from birth, exaggerated by early childhood experiences. But I feel it is more. It is a split soul at some point in the past that comes back looking for its other half. If we can set them on the pathway to recovery, then we have played a huge role. For the most part, we are simply characters performing in their movies that they direct.

    My fiancee attempted to strip me of all my dignity, the only thing I had left that was truly mine. At this point I had no option but to walk away, let it go, rebuild myself and look for that reciprocated and balanced love we always hoped we could find with our BPD partners.

    I thank everyone else who posted their experiences. I feel your pain and am comforted by the words offered and the post BPD life that is to come.

  8. I could have written the post that starts with "Hopelessness." It never ceases to amaze me despite how different our experiences are, they're so similar.

    I also had to give the BPD an ultimatum. I also had to walk away and stop chasing. I also got her back into counseling, but she wouldn't stop talking about my problems, which were conjured in her mind.

    Looking back, I didn't have problems. I had issues that I was dealing with, but I wasn't delusional or making things up about another person.

    It still amazes me how much we Nons put up with, how much we accept, and how much we try to help our BPD partners, only to get burned.

  9. I am glad to find this site today. I really need it. I am surviving from a breakup with a bpd guy. I was with him more than a year. He left me (the last time, which is the last time) in September, when it was our year anniversary and I found out he was on dating sites, and took another girl away with him on that exact day (but he still says he was alone). The shocks and lies keep coming even though I have not seen him or talked to him in a few months. I find myself in frozen states of disbelief, and shock, as new liesn come to the surface.

    No one understands how I could have loved him and still do. I won't elaborate, because most people on here will understand all of the things involved in that. I feel heartbroken and trashed.. I went from being "beautiful and special" to him overnight, to being ignored, and treated like garbage. He blamed me when I found out about the lies. I started blaming myself. Most of the time he acted like I was imagining things, so I began to wonder.

    I know I have been "split" and discarded, and the clinical reasons for all of it, but my friends do not understand this part, and think he is a giant a hole. I have to say they are right, in part. He is for doing this. Where does the disease stop, and personal spiritual makeup begin?

    Thank you for listening to me. It is healing to see your site today.

  10. Thank you all - you have described in excquisite perfection the many painful feelings and emotions I experienced with and following my almost two year on again / off again relationship with a man I'm quite sure is BPD. Friends only help so much - they can't truly understand - the fear and sadness of feeling that you may never again experience the incredible connection you had with the good side of the BPD. The pain of coming to grips with the reality that the BPD's good is so elevated and accentuated because of the BPD's problems - and these problems sadly mean that a a healthy reciprocal relationship will never be able to be sustained with such a person. After tasting the good side, will there ever be someone that you feel so good with again? But without the corresponding pain?

  11. My girlfriend is currently in the psych ward. She has been for two months. I've known her for about three or four. We've went out for a year and seven months. I knew she had Borderline Personality Disorder, but for some stupid reason, I thought she'd get better. She wouldn't do the things the sites said she would- withdraw, detatch, manipulate. But recently, she did. "I have no more feelings for you at all." "Not at all..?" "Nope." "Do you have feelings for someone else?" "Yep." She'd cheated on me about a couple weeks before with a boy in the psych ward who is three years older than her. She said it meant nothing and she thought he was a douche. Her apology sounded heartless though. But, apparently, he's the guy she has feelings for. I haven't been able to sleep since.

    I keep asking myself what I did wrong, what I can do to make her come back. I reassure myself that sooner or later, she will. She has to. She won't though.

    I'm seeing more and more that she fits all the symptoms and everything that the sites have been saying have proved true for our relationship.

    It's funny how we've been helping our partners through therapy, through their problems. But, now we are the ones with the problems. And, ultimately, we are the ones who need therapy. I've never felt this shitty in my entire life.

  12. The song "Sober" by Kelly Clarkson is on repeat for me. It's sad, but encouraging.

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