Heal

This is so painful. I thought she was the one despite her issues. I thought that she and I could work through her issues as her confidence in me built over time. Not the case. Instead:
- I became the source of her anxiety, in her mind
- I was screwing with her, in her mind
- I was deceiving her on a constant basis, in her mind
- She justified treating me poorly because of the above, in her mind.

I never bailed when I should have. Kicking me out of the house was when I should have bailed. Chris told me, "she's the most dangerous one yet, Den," but I didn't listen. I thought I could change her.

It's some primal need inside me. That need for affection. She provided that to me every day to the point where I'd be late for work. Of course, it was also the fact that if I got out of bed too quickly, it would spur a slough of accusations that included, "you must have someone to meet -- you're never leaving early." That's because if I leave early (or on time, for that matter) that it spawns the accusations to continue.

Even my birthday was bad because of her accusations. She called me and when I'm at lunch with my Nick, she says, "I hope you have a good date." I send her a picture of Nick waving so she can see, documented up close, the deal. At dinner on the night of my birthday, she says to me when a phone beeps, "are you getting a text message from a girl?" What the hell, woman? I couldn't show you more clearly that I'm into only you, and that's it. Now stop it. I told her at that point that she had four, count them four weeks, to get herself together or I was going.

It never stopped:
- The morning that we're supposed to go to New England, she accuses me of erasing the Internet history on the computer. I tell her that I'm not going on the trip until she apologizes, and she does.
- When we actually do go to New England, she accuses me of sending text messages while I'm in the bathroom and goes to the level of saying, "it didn't smell like you took a shit in there. You tried so hard to convince me that you were shitting."
- She later tells me that I intentionally ruined the New England trip and tells me that it was the worst vacation that she ever had. Me too. I thought I had worse ones when I was married, but this took the cake.
- Daily accusations of me having lunch with co-workers, having sex with co-workers, being gay with my boss, and other outrageous accusations continued.

She didn't believe me, but on week four, I told her that it was time. We went back and forth for a couple of weeks until I finally moved out. I figured that we would last for two weeks until we were officially done, but we actually lasted for four.

When I first moved out, she pushed me away hard, then pulled me back in, big time. She told me that she thought about how poorly she had treated me and felt real bad. In a moment, she had my emotions back in the palm of her hand. I was falling for her again, but the pattern of accusations continued, almost if not daily, mixed in with loving statements. One evening, we were driving back to her house, and we were talking on the phone about how I had decorated my apartment. "You made it look so nice, you never did anything like that when we lived together," she raged, then hung up on me. I can't do those kinds of things when the relationship is completely unstable.

The pattern went to her breaking up with me, then sending me a message (or email) where I respond with a phone call, and we get back together, for four weeks. What a painful time. It's just the games that she played, and I followed:
- She joined a dating site so I would get upset with her
- She sent me text messages saying, "you used me to live somewhere when you moved up here..." Really? That's why I did homework with your kids, took care of your dogs and put your kids to bed every night? Pound sand. You have no memory of all the things that I did for you, only the bad things that you made in your head.
- She would tell me how whacked I am and how bad my family (parents, kids, etc) is. Now you've crossed lines that I'm real unhappy about. How dare you say the things you did about my family, particularly my kids. I loved your kids and you say those things about my kids? NFG.

I did things wrong in the relationship, and I admit that:
- I lost my patience at times, and I called her names
- I didn't tell her complete stories out of fear of her reaction (this only happened a select few times -- most others, I told her and dealt with the repercussions. Examples of this include:
-- I waited until the night before a meeting to tell her about it
-- A business deal I was striking with my co-worker (I told her after the fact)
-- All of the attendees of parties because she would accuse me of being at the party for those people.

I did wrong things, but how much can a person deal with? I was never right, always wrong, and told how bad of a person I was, over and over. Never did I cheat on her, even think about it or mistreat her. She would say that the things that I did above were mistreating, and I guess they were. However, if you put them on scale with my daily verbal beatings, they're not on par.

In her mind, however, she thinks that they are.

ON TO HEALING

Despite the fact that she treated me like absolute crap and abused me regularly, I miss the relationship. I miss:
-- the closeness that we shared: I felt like I could tell her anything (unfortunately, I later found that she told my ex wife all secrets, so she burned me yet again -- vindictive bitch)
-- the affection: we used to say that if cuddling was an olympic sport, we'd be gold medalists
-- the way we slept together: naked, in a human pretzel, every night. We would sleep face-to-face at first, then if one of us would roll over, they'd bring the other into spooning position. God I miss that.
-- a day-to-day partner
-- someone to make plans with about the future, together

I don't miss:
-- the regular accusations
-- constant suspicion about everything:
--- I was screwing with her by calling her at certain times
--- I was breaking things in her house so I could be needed around there
--- I was so angry that I would do things like hurt her dog
--- I slept with my co-workers, people from my past, you name it.
-- being yelled at for things that I didn't do wrong
-- being treated poorly (hung up on, emotionally abandoned) for things that I didn't do wrong
-- being broken up with for things I didn't do wrong (one day I was broken up with and not spoken to for days because my phone's voicemail was not working -- that, somehow, became my fault)
-- feeling like I have to account for my every minute spent without her -- furnishing receipts, phone bills, etc.
-- being yelled at for not calling her soon enough
-- being yelled at for taking to long when I went out
-- feeling responsibility for her emotional state and stability, which I could not have stabilized no matter what
-- feeling like I am not spending enough time with my children because I was putting time into her or her children


Okay, enough for now. I bought The The's "Soul Mining" CD today for the song "This is The Day." I'm going to get myself back together now:
- Get to the gym & get back to working out
- Re-establish a solid network of friends
- Plan a holiday party at my new place
- Get back to solid, consistent writing
- Keep the kids' heads together -- they could use me big time
- Focus on the job

I still miss her. She hurt me real bad, but we fit well together. Despite that, she was able to undermine it because of her own baggage, fears and insecurities. I tried to make them go away but they were too big for me. What a shame.

Now, I've got to make it happen:
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place...



It's up to me. Heal boy.