Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Believe -- Revisited

Quite some time ago, I wrote about my Believe sign that I got for the BPD, how she continually threw it out to the point that I eventually took it, and the journey that I have taken with this sign.

Believe has changed in meaning over the years. It has continued to evolve and grow as life has evolved and grown.

As someone who was in a relationship with a Borderline Personality, I fell into too many traps, including:
  • Believing that I could help make this person feel better
  • Believing that this person would eventually change
  • Believing that she would see beyond her issues and see my soul
My beliefs were unreasonable and unrealistic. I put too much pressure on myself, and ultimately felt like I took too much responsibility for the relationship. I knew that she was a borderline, yet I was willing to stay in the relationship if she helped herself. Eventually, she ran and I stopped chasing her.

When I got through the relationship, I wrote about how I believed in all these wonderful things, such as the beauty in people, pure love and the like.

As I've aged, this has evolved. I still believe in all the things mentioned in the Believe post, but it's taken on a much bigger meaning.

Now, it's a belief that I have in something bigger than me, bigger than anyone. It's a belief in God and Jesus Christ, a higher spirit that has paid for my sins.

This blog is not about spirituality or developing a spiritual side -- I'm working on planning a blog for this and should have something in the next few months, so stay tuned. With that said, developing a spiritual side is so important to your recovery.

Losing The Narcissist Inside
When you develop a spiritual side of yourself, you learn that there was a self-important side of yourself that thought they were probably too important. You suddenly lose narcissistic tendencies and step into a much more humble role. Even when I read my early writings in this blog, I see these tendencies in myself.

Go back to church. Talk to a pastor. Learn about Jesus Christ and what he did for each of us, and the change that you go through when you accept him into your life. I can attest that it truly is a supernatural change that you go through and it's like nothing that you'll ever experience. You can truly become 'born again'.

For those that are interested in such a change and need more information, email me at I'll be sure to point you in the right direction.

The Believe sign has grown from believing in myself and the love of things to believing in God and Heaven on Earth, which I believe that I'm living now. It's not always easy, but it's real nice. Believe will always have a power over me because it keeps me focused, keeps me humble and keeps me understanding what a wonderful adventure we have here on earth.

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You’re on to me
That I only come home
When I’m so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything I gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I’m so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post. Belief in God or goodness can be so, so difficult in the wake of a relationship broken by the other person's mental illness but God loves us and goodness can give us the courage to heal. We are truly never alone.


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