Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Last In-Person Conversation

As I sit here and think about the last time I was with the BPD, I think about how time changes your perspective sooooooo, much. When I read yesterday's post and I read last year's post about The Grand Finale, I realize how much our perspective changes as we distance ourselves from the relationship, continue to heal and gain better perspective.

To recap, two years ago to the day (today) was the last time I spoke with the BPD in person. She had stayed over after a night of drinking in New York City, and when we woke up, I was back in heaven. She was next to me, and life was good.

For her, heaven was short lived. She began questioning me and anxiety was rearing its ugly head. "I feel like other people have been here with you, and have stayed in this bed with you."

Uuuuhhhh, no.

"If you have someone else in this bed, I'll make you wish you never did."

Really? Wow. This was the chick that I cared so much about.

I kept trying to assure her that all was okay, that I hadn't been with anyone else. However, there must have been a part of me that was done, because I told her what I had done the week before, when she had told me that if I come over, she's calling the police.

I had gone to the local bar, met a guy and started talking fishing. We hung out and drank a couple drinks, then went to his friend's (a ten second walk from the bar) where we proceeded to spend the night talking about life and women (he was going through a divorce), listen to music and playing guitars.

All in all, the perfect night when a woman's kicking you out of her life.

Believe Nothing

I knew that the BPD wouldn't believe this. But I told her anyway when she asked what I did that night. I think at first, I told her, "you don't deserve to know what I did. You raged on me and wouldn't talk to me. You threatened to call the police."

But eventually, I relented. I told her. What do you think she did?

That's right, she freaked out. She went over to the Believe sign, the one that I had given to her, rescued from the garbage multiple times, and threw it in my garbage. What drama -- How poetic -- look for more detail on Believe in upcoming posts.

She then went outside. I asked her to sit with me so we could discuss it. She had a cigarette and we discussed it. She told me that she would never trust me, then brought up incidents like Miami where she broke up with me when I was on business there and accused me of going out to clubs and fooling around after she had broken up with me.

More on Miami in upcoming posts. This was yet another example of the insanity that was her mind, and the world that I accepted.

After she smoked her cigarette, she got in her car, said, "I'll never trust you again," and then left in a state of drama.

I've covered any communications that we've had since then, but there have only been a couple and that's it.

Two years ago, to the day, this all happened. A week later, we were supposed to go out, but I'll cover that in the next week. While I've covered some of these stories before, I now have perspective that I never had before. Time has given me more of a perspective, and while I don't remember the details as vividly as I did, I now have better understanding.

Funny, I still remember the exact places where all the conflict occurred. I remember wherever she said something negative to me, or accused me of something, or we had major conflict.

It had to happen like this. I had to break the chains, and I had to heal. I would have kept the cycle going if it wasn't such a harsh break.

All for the better, but it takes time to realize this.

1 comment:

  1. Quote ( while i dont remember the details as vividly as i did )

    strange because i cant remember all the details either off the rages my ex BPD done to me , there were many dramas just like the one you talk about above & many times he flicked the switch and stormed out on me when (i thought ) we were having a good time/day i remember too all the dramas & the places we were when it happened but the rest is just a blurr, i think i was shell shocked and bamboozled at these outbursts and taking aback that i seem unable to remember all what was raged at me !
    I think iam slowly recalling all the dramas & after i recall some i then think to myself WHY on earth was i letting him do this to me !
    After some off the worst dramas i would be back with him a week or two later, sometimes even after he had screamed at me that he hated me ! then i was on the pedastol for maybee two weeks ? when the rug would be swiftly pulled from beneath me

    Thank you for still blogging


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