Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How To Break Up With Someone Who Has BPD

This is probably the toughest thing to do -- break up with a borderline. It's tough for a number of reasons:

  1. If you've been in the relationship for a long time, you're addicted -- By nature, those in relationships with Borderlines suffer from an addiction to them. How do you break up with someone that you're addicted to?
  2. You're probably also afraid -- BPDs are downright scary people when they're hurt and angry. Who wants to meddle with an angry borderline?
  3. Your dreams are changing -- If you're like most that are in a relationship, we thought that our searching and looking for that partner was over. Now we're back out there.
These issues can make breaking up with a borderline impossible for some. It was for me.



Set a Timeline
In fact, I couldn't break up with her. I knew that she was dangerous, but I couldn't get myself away. Finally, the counselor told me to set a timeline if things don't change. I did. On my 37th birthday, I told her, "you have four weeks to get it together." She couldn't do it.

On the fourth week, I told her that I was going to have to move out.

Stick to Your Timeline
What did she do? She fought with me even more. The fighting was so bad that we couldn't really break up because we were too busy fighting and resolving issues. Finally, two weeks after I initially told her that I needed to go, I went and looked at a place to move.

I'll never forget the day that I went and looked at the place. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I don't want you to go."

I felt so bad for her. She seemed so innocent, so harmless. I told her, point blank, that I couldn't stay anymore; it was just too much turmoil and too dangerous for me and the kids. I told her that I would keep trying to put it back together with her, and if we could make it work, I'd move right back in, right away.

Up until the night before I last saw her, I used to say, "that's it. I'm moving back in tomorrow."

I never did.

Protect Yourself -- Be Prepared for The Fallout


A number of things can happen when you finally leave or terminate a relationship with a borderline:

  • They could come back to you, pleading for you to re-enter the relationship
  • They could rage at you, getting violent and trying to hurt you
  • They could play the victim and accuse you of hurting them, raping them, terrorizing them, or a multitude of other things where you were cruel to them to friends, family, the authorities or anyone else would listen
  • They could play the aggressor and hurt you, terrorize you or do a multitude of other things
  • They could admit that they have a problem and be willing to go into counseling
  • They could find somebody else that will have a relationship and leave you alone
There may be short term repercussions, and there may be longer term occurrences. It simply depends on the person.

Regardless, be prepared for the fallout. Assume that there will be fallout. These are people that think that you are good or bad -- remember, they think in terms of black and white. This is a gray world, but you're either good or bad, and considering that you just broke up with them, expect rage.

The Actual Breakup
Try to break up with the borderline in a public place. Try to have people around you -- maybe a coffee shop would be a good place so they cannot rage on you in public. Be sure that you tell others where you have gone, and have them call to follow up on you to see how things are going.

Prepare what you will say to the person. Prepare it exactly.
    • Try not to be too negative with many 'you' phrases, because if you do, the borderline will respond to all of your 'you' phrases in a defensive manner
    • Give the borderline the out so they can feel like the breakup is their decision. Saying something like, "you know that we've had real tough times in the past...it's becoming clear that I'm not good for you." Making yourself the bad person in the situation will make the borderline feel much better about the decision and like they are saving face in this situation. They can then tell others, "they just weren't good for me. We talked about it and agreed."
    • Make sure that you have someone that you call when everything is over. Be sure to give them instructions to call you in a certain amount of time. 
    • I have heard of situations getting quite dangerous during these breakups, so be sure to be as safe as possible. Have someone ready to call the authorities if you fear that the situation could get violent. Agree that if they cannot get in touch with you or do not hear from you in a certain amount of time that they will call the police on your behalf.

Growing Relationship
Breaking up with a borderline is not easy. However, if you feel like the relationship is not progressing in a positive manner, get yourself out. There's no reason to stay. Relationships are meant to grow, not stagnate.

33 comments:

  1. I have to say that I didn't get a chance to break up with my ex. He stormed off in a rage and then sent messages for months afterwards. Then accused me of cheating on him and then he raged again- even though we weren't together. Four months after he raged out of my life one night, he did it again via text and the phone. I think they have a "need" to create something chaotic to feel better about themselves. I remember thinking "I think he just ended it again even though we aren't together."

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  2. oh god yes ! i had this done to me so many times, its indeed a need to create drama or punish us or to convince themselfs that they are in the right
    my ex BPD just had to have the last word.
    i also thought it was attention seeking to see if i would take the bait , i often did take the bait and ended back in it again

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  3. I can relate to all of this. I'm trying to break free of a very long drawn out relationship with a bpd..4 years! HE-Yes he(Its sometimes even more difficult to find support as a woman being with a MALE BPD since so much is discussed in terms of female bpd)admitted after about 2.5 years that he had BPD and that he was incredibly abusive and that he had put me and our kids through hell..but it was never "good", after all the abuse I still walked on egg shells while he called all the shots. I feel so so low and depressed right now-while he just sucked us all dry and he can just move on to his next victim. I've been in and out of therapy over this-so has he (and he as diagnosed by each and every dr. with BPD)-I really need support right now-from people who really get how horrible this world is. I'm having so much trouble finding that support-I live in a big city-Chicago, DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY PLACE TO FIND THAT SUPPORT HERE?

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    1. I recently have left my sons father who has bpd and its become the hardest thing I've ever done. I am now seeing a therapist but am still having trouble completely walking away from him. I know how your feeling and I hope everything gets better for you. noone deserves the mental n physical abuse that is with bpd relationships. my friends n family don't understand how hard it is for me. I pray everyday it will get easier.

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  4. I understasnd the difficulty trying to find information when the BP is a man. My husband is a well known Dr. in this area and well liked, so it makes it difficult to get anyone to understand is "other side". He's been abusive in every sense of the word, tells me I have BPD and leaves for weeks at a time and most recently he has told my/his/our therapist things to make him look like the victim. I cant take it anymore!!!

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  5. I felt so misunderstood and confused when my ex left. On the surface, she looked like the ultimate good girl. Highly educated, conservatively dressed, and articulate. When we broke up, she really played up the victim role - what a jerk I was, how controlling I was, etc...I know this because her sister told me the lies she had been telling them. As a person that needs to understand things, I'm quite confused why she would tell people so many lies about me but now, I see clearly. Because she doesn't look like she can hurt a fly, well then, I'm the one that looks crazy. I actually feel very crazy and conflicted because we were engaged for a month - she professed her undying love blah blah blah....When she broke it off, she told me what a mistake I was blah blah blah. How does someone change their mind so quickly???? After breaking up the engagement, she "wanted to take things slow." I pretty much ended it right there - no relationship, no friendship, no anything. So what does she do? A few days later as I was returning her apartment keys, she told me how she had to call the crisis hotline because she hated me so much. WHAT?!?!

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  6. I have just broken up with my boyfriend. He told me at the beginning of the relationship that about 10 years ago he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. However, after a bit of research and knowing someone with bipolar I actually think he has BPD. All the signs are there. He was the most perfect boyfriend for a week, then would accuse me of flirting with men (when all I was doing was having a conversation with them). Whenever I went out with friends I'd get constant text messages throughout the night asking me who was flirting with me and telling me I was going to leave him. A couple of times I had to leave early because he'd phone me in an absolute state telling me he couldn't breath because he thought I would leave him. It's been so distressing. I was totally sucked into the guilt trip and the emotional blackmail. Every time we broke up he would always find my weak spot and suck me right back in- he loved me, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he wanted my kids etc etc. I ended up thinking that this was all I deserved and I would never find someone who loved me this much ever again and so I should deal with what life had dealt me. I have distanced myself from really good close friends who were critical of the relationship because I felt like they were judging me and being unsupportive. They weren't they were just caring for me.

    Ultimately, though, his selfishness came out when my Dad died and he wasn't there for me when I really needed him. I will never forgive him for that. The first Christmas was hard for me and all I got was a load of abuse from him accusing me of being with other men because we were in different cities and I was with my family. Ultimately this was his insecurity, and it left no reagard for me and how I was feeling.

    I've now broken up with him because of it, but it's left me feeling like the worst, most selfish person in the world and him accusing me of being selfish. He blows hot and cold constantly. One minute he misses me so much and wants to get back together and the next I'm the most cold and heartless person ever.

    I'm so low now. I've lost my friends, I'm so upset about my Dad and I feel like a terrible, terrible person. My identity is gone. I need to be back to the happy bubbly, kind and caring person I was before. I am now in therapy and hope to get back to this, but even now when I'm out with friends I'm on edge thinking he will text me with the abuse.

    I no longer love him I dispise what he has done to me and how he has left me feeling. I don't think he's conciously a bad person (he keeps telling me he isn't) but I can't forget all the emotional torment I have had from him. Unfortunately we work together so I will never be able to get that closure and move away from him like I want to. I've become so quiet and introvertive compared to how I was before. Everything I used to do would offend him unless he was involved. New years resolution is to stay strong and not go back. After reading everything that others have gone through I know I will. I feel bad for people who have kids with a BPD partner and glad I am out of it after only 9 months.

    For anyone in this situation - we HAVE to stay strong and think of ourselves. It isn't selfish it's self preservation. As callous as it seems the emotional blackmail has to end.

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    1. I am just going through the process of trying to split up with my BPD girlfriend. She is the most beautiful and loving person i have ever met, but everything you have said about the opposite side of the personality is true and also about how it leaves you feeling about yourself. This is the most difficult thing i will ever have to do but i have to do it to save myself. The guilt i am feeling is overwhelming.

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  7. Social worker in KYMarch 1, 2011 at 11:50 PM

    yes, all of these stories are right on target and so true of BPD's Above all if you are in a relationship with one you must make an escape plan because you will surely need it at some point. Safety is the key, talk with the police in your area and take their advice. BPD's can be very dangerous. In most cases they are a danger in one form or another.

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  8. I am struggling to understand all of this. I was married to a BPD for 16 years and endured a great deal of emotional abuse and exploitation. He was an angel outside the home and a devil inside. I wanted out so bad but after speaking to a few family law attorneys I came to understand that it was going to be expensive and difficult to obtain full custody of our son. This man was not safe and I did not feel that it would be in our son’s best interest to share anytime alone with him. I decided to be the buffer and do everything I could to keep the home stable. I understood that as long as you did not ask for anything from a BPD that the water would remain calm. I could not express my emotions because they were quickly invalidated. I could not ask for help paying bills, managing the home, or even taking out the garbage without being told that I was overbearing and weak and that “could not handle anything”. I learned early that if I really pushed for my feelings to be heard that he would make sure to verbally pound me into the ground until I was a heap of tears and so wounded that it was better to stay emotionally cauterized than admit that I had my own needs and wants.

    He hated me but would not let me go. I had to wait until he was ready to leave otherwise “I” would have been the one that caused all the problems and made him behave the way he did. I would have been “responsible” for making our son’s life a hell by initiating divorce. FINALLY, he found his “ideal” woman and was ready to let me go but not before making sure that, he hated me and everything about me. He had to devalue me to such a degree that it made him feel ok about having an affair because I really was not human. His unhappiness was MY fault. His failures were a result of being married to me and having a child. “WE” were holding him back in life. I discovered his affair and promptly moved out and it was the first time that I was actually free to go. No verbal threats or guilt trips. He finally LET ME GO.

    I developed PTSD from the extreme emotional stress and only later discovered that he fit the BPD profile to a T. I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that YOU have feelings that really do matter and that BPDs have a way of conditioning you to deny your needs. In the BPD, relationship there can be only ONE. Never will there be TWO people with individual needs, wants, and desires. This is pathological and no amount of love can fix the emptiness they have inside. Their hurt is real and not imagined and just like anyone else they can be exceptional people while others have character issues, which seems to make their choice of abuse or acting out more severe than others do. Either way, you are not supposed to be the victim of this behavior. ALL of us have issues but the BPD has a way of intensifying them and making you believe that you are crazy and irrational for having needs, wants, desires, and wounds too.

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  9. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 months, and it seems like we have known each other for years. She had never told me of any mood disorder untill a month I mentioned she was acting bi-polar. A few months went by, and like most relationships, some good and some bad days. But the bad days stuck in my mind. These bad days were bad because of some illogical or selfish idea. I soon realized of this BPD and decided to forget what other people online were saying about BPD and give this girl a shot. Because I really do care about this girl and want to see her get better. This went on for a few months and the emotional rollercoaster i was going through began to get worse. I had to break it off because i had plans to hang with the guys (which she knew about for weeks), and she made me feel terrible to the point where i almost couldnt go. After an hour of going back and forth, i finally decided this was my last rollercoaster ride. Now a week later I cant stop thinking about her and how great it really was. Should i get help with her???? Can i really avoid her??? I was thinking i need to leave her be untill this disorder is treated,then and only then will it be healthy for to have a relationship with anyone.

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  10. I am on day 7 of no contact with a BPD boyfriend. This is the hardest day yet. I question myself for refusing to reconsile. Maybe he just has anger issues. If he has BPD he is sick and when you love someone who is sick you do all you can to take care of them. I never know what insignificant trigger will set him off. When he rages, it always ends up with him leaving with all his things. Once he cools down,usually over night, he calls and emails and after a day or two he sucks me back in. He says, "Are you done being silly?" or jokes that I'm a lot of work. He has done this 50+ times. I have taught him it's okay to treat me this way. During his rages he has broke things and hurt me. It's like he's in a trance. He even puts his fingers in his ears if I try to reason with him. I know I must get out but I'm addicted to him. He speaks all 5 languages of love! That should of been my first red flag! Second red flag was he had no friends. I once read he lost 3 jobs and 2 wives because of his anger. He is estranged from his 28 year old son. I love him so and I'm just trying to save myself. I'm afraid I can't hold out and he will suck me back in. I'm in so much pain and confusion. Please help me.We have been together for over 2 years. The second to last time I took him back he gave me an engagement ring. When I offered it back he said he doesn't want it back, he wants me to wear it. He agreed to 60 days no contact but emailed me twice. One only said "smile'. The other said "hi". Is he hoovering?I have another therapist appointment next week. I don't know how to resist him.

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    1. How are you now? Did you break away. I have initiated my break-up last week and it's so difficult.

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  11. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We love each other dearly. But he does odd things. Whenever he gets a bug in his mind to do something, he goes on these tangents. And it makes it so uneasy to bare... and then he'll say he is "sorry" and weeks pass and then he'll so it again. Our relationship was like a manic depressive one: wen it was good it was great but wen it was bad it was awful. But I was the one trying to fix it because he never did. I was the one texting and calling saying "im sorry", when the fact of the matter was, he was doing it..
    the final straw came three weeks ago. It was my father's birthday, who @ the current time, is deceased. I wasn't in the best mood, and he knew why...but never once consoled me. Walked around the mall buying himself things and im standing there like a sad lost puppy. I went home that night to discuss how hurt I was and he hung up on me and I haven't heard from him since! He doesn't answer my calls, texts....and ignores me if he sees me @ our gym. This is someone I spent 3 years of my life with...but then again he always stripped the relationship away for months @ a time and still continued to talk to me (like a trap). My family and friends think im the "sick" one for being distraught over him, but idk how to get thru this.....is there a way, can someone truly give me advice instead of the same 'ol, "there's plenty fish in the sea"....because that's not helping! Thank u

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  12. I remember apologizing to my ex all the time for her behaviour... She was the one putting me through hell, and yet I would apologize to her, trying to get back on her good side.

    That final straw is a blessing in disguise... I'm glad I found a final straw, because I was trying to convince myself to leave for months.

    I tried break up with her, but she convinced me to comfort her... And she managed to convince me to come back.

    The next time I tried to break up with her, she coldly convinced me I didn't want to after all, and sent me back home, efficiently played me like an instrument. As soon as I was gone again I had about as much free will as a puppet while I was in her presence.

    So the day after that, I adamantly broke up, but I had to do it online because I couldn't stick to it in person. I know you're not supposed to break up online but it's the only way I could do it.

    I'm not over it yet, but I think about it sort of like a nightmare. I just woke up from it, and my heart's still thumping, but it was just a dream. It's over and I'm safe now, it can't hurt me or terrorize me anymore.

    For the one who needs advice to get through it... Forget the other fish in the sea! Work on you, you're the fish that matters right now. Do the things you've been meaning to do for yourself, work on personal goals. Show yourself that you don't need another fish.

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  13. i'm in a relationship with someone currently whose bpd and i've tried working thru it with him just by ignorning his comments and things he says when he's in a hateful mood but i can't get past them anymore. it hurts. i've said many times i was done but he says more hurtful things that make me so mad i have to respond i just can't let him say those things to me. then he's sweet and i think okay he's back now then it happens again. UGH!! it's like dealing with a child. i haven't told anyone in my family about his issue because i didn't want them to hate him right off the bat but now it's like what do i do? i'm trying to end things still but it's easier said than done.

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    1. More than anything, ur family need to know. At the end of the day,they r the ones who will always be there for u. I made the mistake of not telling my family that my boyfriend had BPD, i paid dearly and cldnt tell them what was going on and why it was happening. I didnt have their support when i needed it most. When i finaly told them, rhey stuck by me and are still helping me get thru th breakup. The blackmail i still recieve from him is intesely horrifying, still, having my family keeping me strong is wots pulling me thru this. Anyone dealing with a BPD, dont do it alone! Please!!

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  14. I've been in a relationship with a man who has undiagnosed BPD for nearly 4 years. The majority of our relationship has been long-distance, which I've come to realize, has made it easy for him to be well-behaved. The interesting point is that the more he has grown to 'love' me, the more he hates me and rages. Most rages are perceived slights (such as I didn't reassure him about something convincingly enough). He'll never ask for reassurance; I'm just supposed to read his mind. And when I don't, his wrath of verbal abuse rains down. He says the most downright mean things to me....and yet I continue to make excuses for him. I used to love him but I honestly don't anymore and I'm just looking for any kind of 'escape' (which is ludicrous because I should just tell him to take a hike!). His manipulative behaviors are mind boggling and I find he is simply spinning in circles around me. One minute I'm a horrible witch who treats him like 'gum on the bottom of his shoe' and the next minute he'll send me a msg saying "I love and miss you so much". I understand this is a disorder but I want off the rollercoaster. It's not fun, healthy, fulfilling, or anything close to the kind of 'love' I want. I completely understand when people say "I'm trying to end things but easier said than done". Rather astounding that people with bpd can wrap such a web of convulusion around us.

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  15. I am truly at a loss for words. I can start off by saying that I consider myself codependent. This relationship with someone who I consider BPD (as well as my therapist after extensive questioning), has ran me over, backed up, and ran me over again and again. Sure there were red flags at the beginning. But the 'love' bug had already bitten me. AND.. of course listening to all their past relationships, every single one ending because the other person had this problem or that problem and they just couldn't take it anymore (I cant count on two hands how many people they had broken up with from range of money issues, using them, misbehaving animals, and on and on). I listened to them as they complained about their friends as being horrible people, why they were friends with them. Would ignore for a little while, then go back to be best friends again. Told me they loved me, more than anyone else they had been with, wanted to marry me , lets move in, lets do this, lets do that, you are my muse, etc etc only after a couple of months. Then listened as they continually complained about their family and how they drive them crazy and they are always angry at something they did. Listened as they complained about people they worked with, that they all have issues. Said please dont ever leave me, I can't take another bad relationship. Not in a threatening way, just a sad looking for sympathy way. then one day, totally did a 180. Broke off our relationship (had me move out) due to my lack of financial responsibility???? I had a few bill from past relationship, paid those off and it was decided that I would help with what I could until a specified date then 50/50. Well as that date approached, it was all of a sudden not okay.. So they acted all stressed and upset with my actions, so much so that i broke their heart, they can't trust me now etc etc so I should move out, but we arent breaking up, just going back to dating.. well.. about a month prior, a former girlfriend came back into their life and a month before that, they were saying they wanted to change their number so this ex wouldnt bother them any more, called them expletives etc. then now its okay to have contact with them? slowly but surely they distanced themselves from me emotionally. became very secretive, and then met up with this person (i was with them) and now i am not even in the room. so now, i am being told that i cant be trusted with finanaces and that is reason for split? I confronted them about this ex and they said yes, they still had feelings. Then I asked, should we have even started a relationship, they said no. But still insist we arent together because of my supposed financial issues. (Believe me, i have had those a long time ago, have gotten everything together since and doing okay, just think they are good at finding weak points and exploiting).. So me being the caregiver and fixer, I took this to heart for a while and thought i was going crazy... Seeing a therapist has helped me see things clearly, well as well as all my friends who know this person says this is a pattern for them (i wish i had of known that sooner) and i even had an ex of theirs tell me they did the exact same thing to them... so, as much as it has broken me, with time and seeking help about things and learning my own issues and taking care of them, it has helped me focus on me and not feel crazy, that i allowed someone to make me feel crazy. You can't fix someone else. If you notice signs, dont try to fix (suggest therapy but it is up to them), just get out. You can only watch someone complain, change their minds on a daily basis, obsess about something, then go in the opposite direction about everything for so long. its not you..... its not worth your sanity!!

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  16. I was with someone with BPD for four years....and its exactly like all the websites describe it...the charm you into thinking that they are this great person who has their life together but ask yourself, have they done anything that they have said they were going to do? NO...he had an estranged relationship with his mom and three sister which just made his respect for women even worse...he did ten years in prison which I'm sure made thing worse and he grew up in a very abusive home..he has all the characteristic...and me I'm a fixer I thought I saw good in him...he ruined every vacation and special occasion for me..never remembered my birthday and didn't care to...you'll notice all the rules apply to you and not to them...they are like children..you spend so much time in your life waiting for them....in my case he broke it off with me...but I have no idea why and I was pregnant at the time..I tried to contact him about the pregnancy and made the mistake of driving by his home to see if he was there..he chased me three towns over in my car and needless to say I lost the baby...the stress is not worth it, I developed an auto-immune disease two years ago which my doctor attributes to stress...well it makes sense now doesn't it...he would never really commit to me so that he could see other women and say things like "well you're not my girl anyway"....he broke it off with me the day before Thanksgiving and chased me three towns over the week before xmas...we just need to realize they don't care, not because we are not worth it but because they just don't have it in them...and the worst part is...I still miss him and I have to do everything in my power to not call him....I'm sure the baby didn't help my emotional attachment to him..its an addiction and we need to be strong and break it...I am moving away from the city because I keep seeing him everywhere and I know how he is..he will drive by my house with another woman just to hurt me....I'm not even going to give him the chance...you wonder how did you let yourself love this person but you don't realize that they manipulated you...they found you at a weak point in your life...think about when you met...you were targeted!! good luck everyone...and if you can walk away before things get worse please do...its not really worth it...I'm working on getting some therapy to move on with my life.

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  17. I was in a relationship with someone I believe to have BPD for 8 months. He "fell in love" with me immediately and made me feel like we were meant to be together. Our first break up was just 2 wks in and over the course of the relationship we probably broke up at least 15 times. It was always my fault.. he could call me a whore, start fights for no reason, yell an scream at me, but it was always my fault. It wasn't until I stopped giving in that he reverted and started apologizing and sending me flowers to get me back. However, it always resulted in him treating me like crap again within 2 weeks and another big blow out. My final straw was when he involved my son and hurt his feelings for the 2nd time and damaged my car. I finally had to get an order of protection against him. Well unfortunatley, it just killed him that he couldn't contact me.. he started calling friends. when that didn't work, he sent me blank emails. Then actual emails, and then text messages. The cops wouldn't even arrest him just because he denied it! So now I have to go through the states attorney, and in the mean time I'm living my life in fear that he's going to come after me because he'll lose his job when he gets arrested over violating the OP... he's tried to intimidate me into dropping it but I'm not doing it. I refuse to let his abusive behavior continue.. I don't care if I have to move and hide out for the rest of my life but it ends with me.

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  18. I have just broken up with my boyfriend who suffers with severe BPD. The relationship we had was a mixture of things...amazing,loving,abusive to me (mainly mentaly an emotionaly),hurtful...its was full of love one minute and hate the next. I wanted so badly to help him because i loved him,i read so many books an joined support groups to try an understand and work things out... after ending up in hospital on several occasions and my family beggin me to leave him,i finaly got up th courage to end it. Im still hurting,as i loved him and i wanted to help him. It has bn 4weeks since our breakup,however im still being blackmailed by him an i recieve regular msgs tellin me how bad a person i am...how i.cheated on.him.an.betrayed his trust (which isnt true) he accuses me of insane things an attacks my family,he says he has txts etc from me that i havnt even sent him... This is all making it very very hard for me to get on with my life. I used to b a very happy bubbly person and nothin cld bring me down. Now i feel tense,worried,scared,stressed an i am.nw suffering from severe an regular panic and anxiety attacks. I dnt want to let him get the btr of me but its so hard some days. I know hes not a bad person either,underneith it all hes a gd person an.i want him to.go.on a b happy too.
    Has anyone any advice atall on anything i can.do to.help mysel??? :'(

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    1. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I wish I had advice for you that could fix it all but I don't think that's possible. Hopefully your family is a source of support, and I would say that's the best advice, is to seek support and friendship from others. I am currently in the process of breaking up with my BPD boyfriend. Am about to go stay with family for a week, out of town, so that they can come back with me to help me move my stuff out of our joint apartment as of course I don't feel safe doing it alone. The other piece of advice I would give is to stick to the decision you've made to leave and don't waver, that will only make him perceive himself as having control again and then the manipulations continue. Oddly enough I have 4 years of post-graduate mental health training and so I can say without a doubt, that some people can't be helped (this is the most tragic reality I've had to come to grips with... maybe with infinite time and resources, yes, all people can "get better", but when does anyone have access to either of those things?), and that it is not your cross to bear to fix him. Perhaps this sounds silly, but I find that when I exercise, particularly when I participate in weight lifting activities or strength training group exercises, I feel stronger emotionally and mentally and physically, and more capable of looking out for myself, of putting myself first, rather than once again conceding because I see good in him and can't stand (truly it breaks my heart) to see him in pain. You also need to seek mental health help if you can. It's so confusing, and that's the killer of the situation, that it weakens you by confusing both your confidence in the reality that you think you perceive, and your self-concept. He may be a good person underneath it all, and at the same time, the outcome never changes does it? You're always the one being punished for his chronic emotional pain, which you had no hand in creating.

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  19. I am with you. I broke up with mine too, just a few weeks ago it is excruciating.
    I miss him yet I feel INSANE relief at NOT getting "those" texts, the ones where he tells me I am ugly, fat, a cheater a liar and a horrible person that he hopes "dies soon" I am a tax accountant and I am none of those things I NEVER cheated on him EVER, why do they all think that???????????? IT KILLED ME to have him think of me that way.

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  20. I have been with my BPD boyfriend for 6 months. I didn't even know for sure what his condition was (I thought he was bipolar at first) until recently. I have been verbally and emotionally abused and on one occasion my hair was pulled because I repeatedly asked him to stop swearing at me during one of his rages (don't tell ME what to do). Every time I have tried to break up with him he tells me I don't really love him or hoovers me back in somehow. His family knows he has issues and I was warned by a couple of his family members that he has a bad temper but they have no idea that he has BPD. I decided that him breaking up with me would be the best way to go to save his self-esteem (I wish I had found this website earlier than today). So yesterday when he "dumped" me in front of his son I was happy/relieved inside that it was over. Unfortunately his son convinced him that he would never find anyone as wonderful as I am since he's already been divorced twice, has had many failed relationships and has been living on his own for the past 10 years. His son convinced him that he was overreacting and he was causing the majority of the reasons for his rages and I was not doing anything really wrong (which I wasn't at all...but for him my TONE was too rude when I was defending myself against his false accusations or too loud or he just didn't like what I was saying). I too found more information on women with BPD but that's probably because women don't go and get help as much as they should when they are with a BPD guy because they want to "fix" him or help him fix himself or they want to be the buffer for their children. I too wanted to be the buffer for his parents and kids but this is not my job and I can't take the almost constant insults (I'm fat, I have a negative attitude, I have a tone, I give him dirty looks) and snide comments on a daily basis when we are together. Yes, he can be charming, sweet, loving, passionate, protective, helpful and has wonderful qualities but no man or woman deserves to be treated so badly when they are just trying to love someone. I am relieved that I have not heard a peep from him today and am hoping that even though his son got us back together (kind of and I made him promise to go with me to therapy which he did half-heartedly) that he just agreed because his son was present and actually still hates me. Pretty sad but true. I agree with the saying in Spanish that says it's better to be alone than badly accompanied (with the wrong companion) and I have to agree. Love YOURSELF enough to get the hell out and once you have recovered find someone who treats you with love and respect. The person above is right, forget about the other fish in the sea until YOU are ok. I was going to stay with him because I grew up with a BPD/bipolar/schizo mother and I figured I could take what he dished out and was saving someone else from suffering what I have suffered with him and in my youth with my mother. It's not worth it, I deserve to be happy and not stressed all the time wondering when he's going to snap and possibly kill me someday.

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  21. I recently broke off our 3 year extremely turbulant relationship. I changed my cell number, blocked him from calling the house, and have only seen him once. The best defense I've found is NO COMMUNICATION! we had few friends in common, and I've stopped seeing them, too. He has reached out to a few of my friends, but out of loyality to me, they refuse to talk to him. He'll drive by my house, but not stop. Because of his bpd, I don't think "love" is an emotion he can actually feel. He became dependant on me for so much emotional support, it was draining. He'd scream and yell at me one second, then tell me he loves me so much he'd die with out me the next. He'd call me every name in the book, and accuse me of sleeping with every man in town! So, I'd fight back, we'd break up, then he'd guilt me back. At the end, he started making extreme sexual demands, so the sex wasn't even a comfort zone anymore. It always baffled me how he could be so loving and intimate, then cuss me out for something I did that he didn't like 3 weeks prior! The last time he blew up at me, my son was in the room with this terrified look on his face and started to cry. I promised my son he will never see that man again. And thats a promise I intend to keep. It is possible to dump your BPD. The horrible things they say ARE NOT TRUE!!! I never believed a word he said about me or my lifestyle. I wake up every morning knowing it's going to be a wonderful day simply because he will not be part of it. I can't get the 3 years back that I spent with him, but I sure can learn from them....Good Luck to all of you!

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  22. I understand all that I've read here. I suspect my long term girlfriend has BPD and so want to tell her but I just can't. Instead, we are going from argument to argument both sad, tired, and depressed. She is a very good person, but the problems of which I created is only permitting her BPD to come in full bloom partly because her argument is right. However, the day to day up and down swings of emotion love and hate is ultimately so detrimental to being able to give the relationship a chance to heal. I want her to get diagnosed to validate that maybe she has BPD - I'm not a doctor. A friend who is a therapist told me of this diagnosis and when I read it, it hit the nail on the head. Again, I truly sympathize with what is written here.

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  23. I've been with my BPD guy for 5 years and I'm trying to break away AGAIN. He doesn't know he has BPD.I've been trying to figure out what his problem is all this time and now I know. We have a committed relationship but don't live together so his BPD behaviors have been easier for him to conceal. The truth comes out over time. He seemed like such a good catch initially--good looking, fun, charming, very good person, highly intelligent, talented, creative, great job, etc., plus a great reputation and everybody likes him. I remember thinking, how could this guy still be single? It was FANTASTIC for the first 8 months. Then Christmas came. Something set him off and caused a huge fight that lasted a week! I had no idea what was happening--he went on his first major rampage with me--you never loved me, I hate the way you treat me, you're an awful person, I want to die, etc. The whole nine yards. I was totally blind sided. Since then, almost every holiday has been affected with his BPD. Rampages, meltdowns, etc. Whenever he gets stressed from anything, he takes it out on me. I'm his personal beast of burden. No one else sees this side of him. I'm so tired of having my good mood destroyed because he's had a bad week or month. He always figures out a way to reel me back in when we breakup. It's been this way for five years, folks. He's a master at guilt trips and manipulating me back in. He tells me it'll be better this time, I'll work on it, let's try to make improvements, I love you and don't want to be without you, etc. It's mindboggling and totally confusing. He's in a super high state of anxiety and emotional turmoil when he's having a meltdown and it's all directed at me. Great. But, when he's not having a meltdown, he's wonderful. I'm the only one that he shows the ugly side to. The other posts have not spoken to this next topic, but I will. When he makes love to me--it's amazing--like no one else. I think it's because he's so emotionally sensitive and in that moment, he feels immense love. After a meltdown, he sometimes wants to make love immediately. I'm not ready for that since my feelings have really been hurt from everything he just screamed. Rollercoaster again. He's overwhelming as a lover and I will miss that. Addictive. It all comes down to the anxiety and what he puts me through with his unstable moods and rampages. Do I want to endure this rollercoaster for the rest of my life? No. I deserve more than that. I told him I can't endure these meltdowns anymore. His response? Then don't make me mad. I tried to make the best of this latest rampage. Difficult. More screaming, more raging. I reached the end of my rope and I broke up with him again. More yelling frantic phone calls, so I blocked him. He then calls my work and maxed out the voice mail capacity there. I can't deal with this anymore. So I did something I've never done before. I contacted his parents. During the meltdowns, he screams he doesn't want to live anymore, he wants to die, etc. I didn't tell his parents everything--I kept it short and as cordial as I could--that we broke up, he was very upset and said that he wanted to hurt himself. I suggested to them that he see a therapist and get help. I haven't heard a word from anyone since. Guess I dropped a nuclear bomb there. I hate seeing him in mental anguish, but I know I can't fix him. He had these problems long before I came into the picture. I've finally come to the conclusion that we can't really have happy lives together. I'm trying to stay strong to not let him back into my life. He is so good at manipulating me back in though. Smooth operator. After 5 years of this, I'm the one that probably should see a therapist!

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  24. To everyone here, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM. Just like we all want others to be happy, we need to be happy too!!! Don't waste your time, energy, or effort getting caught up in the challenge of trying to "fix" somebody, because you can't. Again, LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO LET GO AND FIND REAL HAPPINESS!!!

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  25. My exBPD GF and I just broke up - AGAIN. Actually, she chose to leave our house and move in with her parents - which she has done at least 3-4 times. She exhibits almost EVERY BPD trait out there. And I have to tell you, it is VERY difficult!!! I endured this for about 18 months. I thought I was going to go crazy. You constantly are wondering "is it me???" In moments of clarity, you realize that the torment they perpetrate is totally inappropriate and abusive. BUT, the charm comes back and because you crave the "kind and loving" version of them so much, you just accept it. My exGF has beaten me up 3 times. I won't hit her back, but one time she really hurt one of my ears and I was in pain for a day or two.

    This current breakup deal has felt a bit different. At first, I felt like I just didn't care anymore. I let her move out and I didn't say anything. Her rage, at that time, was so bizarre and irrational, I actually wanted the peace. But then I began questioning myself and started to REALLY miss her and the really joyful times we shared. So, I freaked out and began to contact her and beg her to heal the relationship with me.

    She didn't come home, but opened up a bit to me coming by and us having coffee, talking, etc. There were no fights. It seemed like we were making progress, and then we had another talk about how me might possibly move forward. Well, it got super ugly, almost immediately. She wanted me to accept all the blame and change, and she refused to accept one single bit of responsibility for things that went wrong. She then began saying "SEE!! You haven't changed one bit!!" It was just absolute craziness. She was beginning to rage, and so I decided to excuse myself at that point. I said there is too much anger right now for us to continue this conversation. She screamed at me saying "come back here!" I paused, and remained a short while longer. Big mistake. She just wanted to get out some insults and digs. Not too long after, I did finally get out of there,but not before she started trying to involve other family members, etc. REALLY childish and ugly!

    With that said... I actually don't feel so bad right now. The house is leased in my name. So, I don't feel like I am in immediate danger of some kind of crazy backlash. But, I don't feel the tremendous hurt and heartbreak that I normally would feel with these push/pull incidents. Not saying I won't later. It's only been a day after all. I blocked all communications though, and I am staying busy. And I am staying OFF Facebook! Even though we are not friends on there, we have mutual friends. And I don't need to see any of her craziness. BY tomorrow, I can re-block her account again. I had blocked it before, but unblocked because it seemed like we were actually coming together.

    The first HUGE step is realizing what the heck this is! For the longest time, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I guess knowing now that this is not me, or not me going crazy, I feel much better. I used to feel so much shame because I became convinced that I was the source of all her pain.

    I do feel bad for her. I really do. I never tried to tell her she has BPD. I don't think she would have received that - just projected.

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  26. hoe do you do it if you cant leave? this is my house and my lease, not his, i have 3 kids, i couldnt afford to pack them up and leave even if i wanted to, he doesnt help out financially with the rent or bills so all my money is tied up every month, been dealng with this for years and i feel like i am losing myself and i dont want my children to grow up and have bpd because he has it, and one of the causes is the crappy childhood... because of his bpd and constant accusations of cheating or just negative comments if i tried to have friends, i no longer have ANY not even one friend, literally NONE, i have no family either, i feel so alone and i dont know what to do. he wont admit or even explore the idea that he has bpd and its killing me. every word out of his mouth is something ive read that bdp ppl say, or act, like its pouring out of him and he is in such denial. i need help and advice please someone

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  27. I have been in an abusive relationship for over 4 years now. I barely knew him and because of my own personal issues with my family I needed a place to live so I moved in with him. The first couple of months went ok until one day I had found something of his and questioned him about it and he accused me of snooping. I wasn't trying to "find" something I was just bored and came across it. He told me to move out and I packed all of my things and then begged him not to make me leave (I had no where to go). He let me stay and after that never trusted me again. We have had many great times together but the bad is now overturning the good. He has certain standards of cleaning, working out, sex, ect. and I have promised to do these things but sometimes I fall short. When this happens I am a LIAR to him and he rages and makes me feel horrible. He says every nasty insult you could imagine and more. He makes me feel as if I am "crazy." Sometimes we have pointless conversations and I have the bad habit of nodding my head when I don't know exactly understand what he is talking about and he will ask me a question and I wont know the answer...Once again I am a LIAR and can not be trusted. He will then rage at me again, kick me out ect. When I try to talk to him about how he doesn't have to respond in such an abusive way, he tells me to fix me and not to complain about him until I do so. I have gone back and fourth thinking this is my fault (as I have came from a broken home) and now I feel this sickness inside of me...this rage towards him. He blames all of his failures in life on me and I feel horrible. I am becoming very depressed and lonely. When I dream at night I am so happy...I wake up and look around and feel this horrible feeling...I don't want to wake up. I am almost positive he has BPD...this is not even half the story. I am at a loss...I have no one but myself to rely on.

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  28. Its been going on three months that me and my bpd ex split. I had told him to let me go on with my life if he couldn't commit and he was upset and angry then later agreed to let me go but during these months he has gone days without calling to Hoovering me back in its kind of tough with us having a child together which he has not seen in a month, he has me linked to his credit cards. Im on his phone family plan and im driving his truck he gave me and pays both. I despise what he has done to me and my daughter and recently got into a huge argument with him. Im in therapy im feeling depressed and just want him out my life. Im gradually tryn to plan to detach things with him. Noone deserves to feel this way...

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