- If you've been in the relationship for a long time, you're addicted -- By nature, those in relationships with Borderlines suffer from an addiction to them. How do you break up with someone that you're addicted to?
- You're probably also afraid -- BPDs are downright scary people when they're hurt and angry. Who wants to meddle with an angry borderline?
- Your dreams are changing -- If you're like most that are in a relationship, we thought that our searching and looking for that partner was over. Now we're back out there.
These issues can make breaking up with a borderline impossible for some. It was for me.
Set a Timeline
In fact, I couldn't break up with her. I knew that she was dangerous, but I couldn't get myself away. Finally, the counselor told me to set a timeline if things don't change. I did. On my 37th birthday, I told her, "you have four weeks to get it together." She couldn't do it.
On the fourth week, I told her that I was going to have to move out.
Stick to Your Timeline
What did she do? She fought with me even more. The fighting was so bad that we couldn't really break up because we were too busy fighting and resolving issues. Finally, two weeks after I initially told her that I needed to go, I went and looked at a place to move.
I'll never forget the day that I went and looked at the place. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I don't want you to go."
I felt so bad for her. She seemed so innocent, so harmless. I told her, point blank, that I couldn't stay anymore; it was just too much turmoil and too dangerous for me and the kids. I told her that I would keep trying to put it back together with her, and if we could make it work, I'd move right back in, right away.
Up until the night before I last saw her, I used to say, "that's it. I'm moving back in tomorrow."
I never did.
Protect Yourself -- Be Prepared for The Fallout
A number of things can happen when you finally leave or terminate a relationship with a borderline:
Set a Timeline
In fact, I couldn't break up with her. I knew that she was dangerous, but I couldn't get myself away. Finally, the counselor told me to set a timeline if things don't change. I did. On my 37th birthday, I told her, "you have four weeks to get it together." She couldn't do it.
On the fourth week, I told her that I was going to have to move out.
Stick to Your Timeline
What did she do? She fought with me even more. The fighting was so bad that we couldn't really break up because we were too busy fighting and resolving issues. Finally, two weeks after I initially told her that I needed to go, I went and looked at a place to move.
I'll never forget the day that I went and looked at the place. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I don't want you to go."
I felt so bad for her. She seemed so innocent, so harmless. I told her, point blank, that I couldn't stay anymore; it was just too much turmoil and too dangerous for me and the kids. I told her that I would keep trying to put it back together with her, and if we could make it work, I'd move right back in, right away.
Up until the night before I last saw her, I used to say, "that's it. I'm moving back in tomorrow."
I never did.
Protect Yourself -- Be Prepared for The Fallout
A number of things can happen when you finally leave or terminate a relationship with a borderline:
- They could come back to you, pleading for you to re-enter the relationship
- They could rage at you, getting violent and trying to hurt you
- They could play the victim and accuse you of hurting them, raping them, terrorizing them, or a multitude of other things where you were cruel to them to friends, family, the authorities or anyone else would listen
- They could play the aggressor and hurt you, terrorize you or do a multitude of other things
- They could admit that they have a problem and be willing to go into counseling
- They could find somebody else that will have a relationship and leave you alone
There may be short term repercussions, and there may be longer term occurrences. It simply depends on the person.
Regardless, be prepared for the fallout. Assume that there will be fallout. These are people that think that you are good or bad -- remember, they think in terms of black and white. This is a gray world, but you're either good or bad, and considering that you just broke up with them, expect rage.
The Actual Breakup
Try to break up with the borderline in a public place. Try to have people around you -- maybe a coffee shop would be a good place so they cannot rage on you in public. Be sure that you tell others where you have gone, and have them call to follow up on you to see how things are going.
Prepare what you will say to the person. Prepare it exactly.
- Try not to be too negative with many 'you' phrases, because if you do, the borderline will respond to all of your 'you' phrases in a defensive manner
- Give the borderline the out so they can feel like the breakup is their decision. Saying something like, "you know that we've had real tough times in the past...it's becoming clear that I'm not good for you." Making yourself the bad person in the situation will make the borderline feel much better about the decision and like they are saving face in this situation. They can then tell others, "they just weren't good for me. We talked about it and agreed."
- Make sure that you have someone that you call when everything is over. Be sure to give them instructions to call you in a certain amount of time.
- I have heard of situations getting quite dangerous during these breakups, so be sure to be as safe as possible. Have someone ready to call the authorities if you fear that the situation could get violent. Agree that if they cannot get in touch with you or do not hear from you in a certain amount of time that they will call the police on your behalf.
Growing Relationship
Breaking up with a borderline is not easy. However, if you feel like the relationship is not progressing in a positive manner, get yourself out. There's no reason to stay. Relationships are meant to grow, not stagnate.
