Friday, November 20, 2009

BPD Cheating

It happens time and time again. One BPD relationship after another that I hear about has the same thread -- she cheated on me, told me about it, was sorry, so I forgave her.

The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.

The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:
- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world
- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others
- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.

Set Firm Boundaries

If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.

With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"

She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."

My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."

She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.

I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.

Your Self Worth Is At Stake

The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.

If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.

Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.

6 comments:

  1. Early in the relationship with my suspected BPD I set that very boundary. Cheat = end.
    I dont think she ever cheated, but im not 100% sure. There were nights when we'd have huge fights and she'd leave and not come home till 2-3 am... There were times when id have to leave town for a few days on business trips. I always called her every night at 9pm. There were a few occasions when she didnt answer.
    Seems to me if your husband calls you every night at 9pm, you make an effort to answer your cellphone at that time.... Well unless youre up to something.
    I never got an explanation when i returned, Only an "I was sleeping" (At 9pm on a Saturday night)

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  2. Not knowing for sure is one of the hardest parts of suspecting that your partner is cheating on you. Even if they are showing all the signs of cheating you still can't know for certain unless you find concrete evidence that something is going on.

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  3. my BPD partner as far as i know has never cheated on me, but confides intimately in an emotional manner with so many... i honestly dont know. it has twisted me over the years, and i have tried to forgive whenever she has come on the verge of leaving me for other men that realisticly have done nothing for her... mine was sexually abused in childhood, and even went so far as to contact her abuser and trying to confide in him... it truely is maddening, and after awhile you do feel worthless, watching the one you love destroy what you've tried so hard to hold together, throwing any feelings for you out the window on several ocassions. there is the neverending fear that she is doing it again, behind your back... yet you constantly feel like crap for being suspicious, grasping that small hope that things have changed. it is sad that my first love has bpd, my life has changed dramatically because of it, and the emotional damage will take a very long time to heal.

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  4. I know mine cheated on me... It's just that some of the times, I was told, other times it was a secret. Mostly secret, as the times I was told (with the juicy details pruned down to a comfortable half-truth) were used as a ploy to get me to believe she was honest.

    She was very non-communicative, would shut down a serious talk if it didn't go her way, and further on into the relationship became more and more distant, told me less and less about her daily life, had more secrets, and more cheating-type red flags popping up.

    Steady downward slope in the relationship... Until one last straw weighed all the red flags in favour of tossing out the EXTREME benefit of the doubt. Finally got to the point where I'd had enough. As soon as I broke up with her, and had a chance to think clearly without manipulation, I realized my sense of reality had been twisted to the point where I wouldn't recognize a lie if it smacked me upside the head. And I wondered, why didn't I leave so many months ago, at the first admitted case of cheating?

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  5. I had a relationship with a woman for 7 months,I was not aware of her sickness(BPD, not until I broke with her. I never catch her cheating but my instincts pointed that she was. I left her 4 times and she always came back claiming that nothing happened. But I had my doubts and decided to exit the r/s. I first broke with her emotionally(took me 2 months) one I was strong enought then I broke with her physically and went NC, it has been 2 months and finally I am finally been able to piece me back together.

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  6. You know, after dating a BPD on and off again for 6 months, I really think these BPD women need to not be taken seriously. What I mean is that if you date one, do whatever you can to NOT get very attached because, as every BPD story out there ever written, ALWAYS has the non getting hurt.

    So why allow yourself to follow in the footsteps of so many others? If she wants to be promiscuous and a lying bitch, then let her - have other women to fall back on.

    It sounds cruel but we need to be real with ourselves - I have literally not ever seen a success story about dating a BPD. I have only read about pain.

    And I was in pain for the first few months when I had no idea why she was so crazy - then I learned about BPD and she fits the diagnosis to a T and doesn't take meds. So now I have simply backed off and I *try* not to get emotional or start fights because they always end poorly for me (because it's always the non's fault right? lol), and I have other girls I date.

    Yea it's cruel but I refuse to be hurt any more from a person with BPD. They all cheat, they're all pretty promiscuous (especially the young ones) so rather than follow the footsteps and be another sad story, I'd rather not let myself get in that position.

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