Monday, November 9, 2009

Dulcinea Syndrome

I can't believe that I've ever written about Dulcinea Syndrome. Aaaaah, the ole' Dulcinea Syndrome. I actually do write about it in some of my early posts, particularly when I penned Letter to Dulcinea and Dulcinea's Apology, but I never actually discuss Dulcinea Syndrome itself. I've alluded to it quite a bit throughout my life -- the syndrome that most of us suffer when first meeting someone:

Dulcinea Syndrome is a disease of mistaken identity that many suffer when first entering into a relationship with another person. With this disease, the person thinks that their partner is someone who is devoid of any shortcomings. They view the person with amazingly 'rosy colored glasses' that they cannot take off.

I recognized that I suffered from this disorder many times in my life, but with the BPD, I knew that she had issues. I guess I just didn't realize how large the issues actually were. Not only that, as time progressed in the relationship, her illness seemed to get worse, not better.

In the end, Dulcinea Syndrome is pretty simply described: We end up learning that the person is not who we thought that they were. Promises were broken, the person ends up being abusive and takes advantage, whatever the situation, the syndrome almost always has a painful ending.

God puts events in our lives to help us grow. Even the worst situations can end up being good if we stay positive and continue to grow through them.


  1. Hi
    Thanks for your blog i have emailed you


  2. Margaret, I did not get the email. Please re-send it to I look forward to hearing from you.

  3. Do the BPD's plan their actions? Is it that calculated? I would best describe it as THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.

  4. i would like to know the answer to this also

    do they plan there actions ? or do they just go into there frenzy, do they set out to destroy people ? was he using me ? i really would like to know the answer to this Q because i fear that iam too giving as a human being & i dont think i can change so iam thinking now was i too kind to the BPD did he see that i was a giving kind person and zoom in on me ?

  5. In light of the plethora of material I've been reading on the internet these days about people with BPD, I recently met with my ex to ask him how he perceived me, the BPD wife/girlfriend, during our times together. He chuckled about the recommendation on p.53 of the book: Sometimes I Act Crazy to "always predict the unpredictable". He admitted that this occurred more than 75% of the time. However, he did not feel that my intentions were in any way manipulative or planned. He did not feel that I was "set to destroy people", etc. I also have never felt that. I am mostly reactionary to things and triggers that result from faulty thinking. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy helps with this, as does DBT (Dialectical Beh. Training). If you as a non-disordered person are feeling "destroyed", then you need to get out of the relationship. I believe that the destructive behaviour, while not intentional, is because you and your partner are simply not compatible. The person with BPD is rarely clear-thinking enough to recognize this, so they react to you in the only way they know how. People with BPD will appear completely inconsistent because they know that you two aren't right for eachother somehow, but the alternative is to be alone. This is not so much about "fear of abandonment" as it is "fear of losing a compass", someone else who provides some external structure to them. The result is apparent manipulative behaviour. It isn't. It is the internal tug between losing something vital (you, the compass) and at the same time not being compatible with you re: goals, desires, etc. Remember, often the person with BPD has tried to mould themselves to appear compatible with you in their own minds. This isn't about you and manipulating you. It is due to an immaturity of personal growth. We just haven't all figured out who we are, what we want, and where we are going. Much personal growth is needed by us to become "mature" and conquer the BPD sink hole. My advice to you non-disordered people is: stop giving! There are other fish out there and your hanging onto the relationship is not helping anyone. Even if kids are involved. I don't think it is right to "stick it out" for the kids in unhealthy relationships.


Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.