Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality

This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:

- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.

- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.

- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal

- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before

- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)

- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

Dulcinea Syndrome

I can't believe that I've ever written about Dulcinea Syndrome. Aaaaah, the ole' Dulcinea Syndrome. I actually do write about it in some of my early posts, particularly when I penned Letter to Dulcinea and Dulcinea's Apology, but I never actually discuss Dulcinea Syndrome itself. I've alluded to it quite a bit throughout my life -- the syndrome that most of us suffer when first meeting someone:

Dulcinea Syndrome is a disease of mistaken identity that many suffer when first entering into a relationship with another person. With this disease, the person thinks that their partner is someone who is devoid of any shortcomings. They view the person with amazingly 'rosy colored glasses' that they cannot take off.

I recognized that I suffered from this disorder many times in my life, but with the BPD, I knew that she had issues. I guess I just didn't realize how large the issues actually were. Not only that, as time progressed in the relationship, her illness seemed to get worse, not better.

In the end, Dulcinea Syndrome is pretty simply described: We end up learning that the person is not who we thought that they were. Promises were broken, the person ends up being abusive and takes advantage, whatever the situation, the syndrome almost always has a painful ending.

God puts events in our lives to help us grow. Even the worst situations can end up being good if we stay positive and continue to grow through them.