Monday, December 3, 2007

Dulcinea's Apology

Dear Don Quixote,

I am writing this letter to apologize for my actions during this relationship and for treating you so unfairly. I know that you are a good, noble man who truly loved me with all of his heart. Given my past, this love is not enough for my needs.

In fact, no one's love, support and admiration will be enough for me in my current state. I am not aware of this yet, and if I am aware of this, I won't admit it to anyone else. Even you, Don Quixote.

I know that you always thought that our love was one where we shared all, but there is a part of me that I cannot share with anyone. Although you see a side of me that is beautiful, pure, and funny, there is a part of me that is empty. I try not to show it, but I know that it comes out sometimes.

This side is with me all of the time. There are times when I cannot control this side, and you feel its impacts full-force. I will yell and scream at you, call you names, not trust you and accuse you of things that you never would do. This is partially fears of myself as I act them out as you have done them.

When we were together, things were usually good. With you in my presence, I knew that all was good in the world. The majority of the problems occurred when we were apart. I would think that you were with other people, talking to other people, emailing or communicating with others in romantic ways. I then thought that you were communicating with me at certain times of the day to "get a rise out of me." It didn't matter what efforts you tried to make me feel comfortable, because I am not comfortable with myself, I cannot be comfortable with you. I sense the anger and shame inside myself, and this comes out in harrowing ways.

I am not sure when I began thinking like this and acting like this. While there were signs of these things being present in my life, they probably became most acute after my husband died of a car accident. To be abandoned like this made me feel that no one would ever stay with me and accept me unconditionally, although I have not realized this. I therefore had to reject your love for me in as many ways as possible, although I want it so dearly. Because of how I feel about myself, I can never let you fully into my life harmoniously.

Until I realize these things, which may take me years or may never happen, I will continue this empty feeling and having these tumultuous relationships. I know that you wished to be with me for life, but this is better for you, I am sorry to say. I am simply not ready for such a relationship, and you should be treated better.

I wanted to apologize to you for all of these things and more that I have done to you, and what you have endured:
- The constant accusations that you were cheating on me
- The constant ending of the relationship
- The fact that you continually wanted me to feel comfortable, but it was never enough for me
- The fact that you devoted your life to me and spent *no* time with your friends as a result of my fears
- The fact that you would not pay the appropriate attention to your children because you were putting your time into me and my needs
- The fact that my fears controlled you and your life
- The fact that my fears became your reality and what you had to defend yourself against
- Kicking you out of the house, multiple times, and changing the locks. This must have been humiliating. I should never do this to another human being
- Having the Private Investigator follow you when you travel on business. This must also have been humiliating
- The STD tests that I insisted that you take, despite the regular clear tests
- The lack of trust with anything you said or did

When I look at the list of ways that I treated you, Don Quixote, I am amazed that you stayed in the relationship for such a long time. I know this is because you truly believed in the relationship. You recognized the wrongs you had done and were truly sorry for them. When I brought issues to your attention, you would change them as necessary. I appreciate this. I am sorry to say that I was never able to change much despite the counseling.

When I went to counseling, Don Quixote, I was trying to fix you. I now realize that I cannot fix you, and that I can only work on myself. I'm not sure if I am ready to fix myself; it may take another couple of failed relationships, more self pity, possible violent relationships to realize what I have to do. As I said before, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix myself as my wounds are so deep and I am not ready to admit them.

I wish that I could say that I will always love you, Don Quixote, but I do not think like that. You are either good or evil. While I used to always love you, I now hate you. You are evil and this is how I must think of you to get you out of my life. I am sorry, but this is how I think. I know that you do not understand it.

I will have another relationship, probably in two weeks to a month's time. I need this relationship so I can have an identity again, and this will help provide this. I'll chameleon to the person's likings and be back in love again. I'll probably push them away beginning in one month's time, then harder if we get closer, just like I did to you. I'll put some drama into the relationship whenever I can, because if you play along with the drama, this proves that you are still dedicated to me regardless of how much I abuse you.

Despite the things that I'm about to do, I am truly sorry. I know that you will always love me, as you are a good and honorable man. I wish that you felt better right now, as the pain and confusion that I caused you must be unbearable.

I am sorry that I broke your heart.



No comments:

Post a Comment

Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.