Friday, December 14, 2007

Wake Up

"If you continued with her, I would not be surprised to get a phone call saying that you were hurt or dead or something by her," Eddie told me, then continued, "and Larry wouldn't be surprised either. Hey Schmittie, would you be-,"
I could hear, "not at all," said before he could even finish his statement.
Holy crap.
I actually called him because I needed a lifeline. I needed someone's support so I didn't call her because I felt that need so strongly that it was crushing me. I could feel it inside of me, welling up again.
This time, I didn't call. Probably one of the first times. I'm realizing how bad she was for me.
She abused me. She hurt me, more mentally than physically, but it hurt nonetheless. I don't ever think that she did it intentionally, but she put her anguish on me.
Holy crap, she had a lot of anguish and inner turmoil.
I learned a lot about myself through the turmoil. I didn't put enough time into myself, because I wasn't allowed. When I was allowed, I was later criticized for doing something wrong. What a shame -- so close yet so far.

We were so close, yet we were so far.

I still miss her, but every day gets a little easier. I'm learning about myself again instead of being caught up in her misery. I still don't understand how she could even think the thoughts that she did, but it's not my problem and not my thoughts.

They were so nuts though, so not me, that it made me nuts. How could someone ever think those things about me?

Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem.

I made it my problem.

Well, the good thing is that I'm back to writing. Not writing what I want yet, but I need to get through this first. The funny thing is that if she read this, she would say, "you're doing this to show to girls..." Would I ever want someone to see these pathetic thoughts, feelings and attitudes? No f'ing way. People would question me, as they should.

I used to think that counseling would make her better. I used to think that she would realize the err of her ways, wake up one day and say, "holy crap, what I have been doing?"

My advice for anyone in the situation -- they will never know. They convince themselves of a reality different than everyone else's, and that becomes their world. It's crazy, but they perceive things differently. They think differently. It's all about them and only them.

You have to feel bad for them, but it's tough when you're the object of their projection. Actually, it's not. That's one of the reasons why you're in the relationship with them. You want to make them feel better. You think that you can, and you can, for a very short time. Then they revert back to their world of misery and bring you with them.

Such a shame.

1 comment:

  1. Dude.. were you dating my girlfriend??!! Everything in your list above... fits her to a T. And I am still struggling with this myself:

    "I still don't understand how she could even think the thoughts that she did, but it's not my problem and not my thoughts.

    They were so nuts though, so not me, that it made me nuts. How could someone ever think those things about me?"

    I am now 48 years old, I feel totally wrecked emotionally drained, and sometimes my heart still hurts (physically as well as emotionally) after everything that has gone on. Was with her from 2007 to 2011 - and I loved her.. all the great times.. they were so deep to me.. but the nastiness was so utterly intense and horrid.

    And now she is 2,000 miles away, and she STILL is at it.. texting me after weeks of no contact.. asking me how I am doing.. I get drawn back into it.. and then just as suddenly, some insane accusation or biting remark towards to me that just comes out of nowhere.

    Last month was an accusation I had hacked into her bank account. In fact, I knew she is not doing well financially (neither am I after this relationship), but I had a little bit of extra money and put 40 bucks on her cell phone account.

    Then I'm accused of "hacking" her bank account!

    Follow that up two weeks later with text messages, "Your voice terrifies me" and after that one, "I am fucking someone now."

    It's crazy, and no one really knows the pain, eh, unless they have been through it, and they think YOU (ME) are the ones exaggerating.

    A few years ago, I started keeping copious notes - originally they were for the benefit of my then GF - just so she would know what I was doing and could support it all with other information. Then as things got weirder and weirder, I kept the notes just in case I might need them legally.. what could be the next accusation made against me?

    I have also taken photographs of her text messages, some of them are so insane, hurtful and bizarre. It really is like being with Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.


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