Friday, December 21, 2007

Life Goes On

God I miss her. Despite the dysfunction, despite her constant insecurity, despite her insanity and turmoil, I miss her.

I miss her beauty.
I miss the I love you's.
I miss the affection.
I miss the partnership.
I miss the amazing sex.
I miss the togetherness.
I miss the planning for our future.

I don't miss the constant accusations, the anger, the verbal and physical abuse.
I don't miss the turmoil.
I don't miss the constant belittling, and
I don't miss feeling like I can never do anything right and being yelled at for everything.
I don't miss walking on eggshells.
I don't miss being told that everything was my fault.
I don't miss being told that she was the victim, and that I was the sick one.
I don't miss being told how bad my family is
I don't miss being told how screwed up my kids are
I don't miss not being able to go out with my friends for a guys night out
I don't miss not being able to go to the gym because I may meet someone there
I don't miss not having any free time for myself
I don't miss not being able to play guitar because it would bother someone
I don't miss being accused of sleeping with everyone
I don't miss being called gay by the woman that I made love to nearly every night
I don't miss being accused of trying to screw with her
I don't miss being accused of breaking things in her house
I don't miss being accused of calling her at 3:00 just to get a rise out of her

I don't miss her. I miss the relationship that we had.

I always said that people's true colors come out when things get ugly. When things got ugly, a beautiful woman turned nasty and ugly. She may think that I did the same, but I didn't. I held my course. She told me that we had a love/hate relationship. No we didn't. She had a love/hate relationship. I was the same. I would complain, maybe yell a bit, but I wouldn't do the things that she would.

Things are getting better. I'm beginning to meet people and make friends. I'm about to join the gym. When you're in a relationship like that, you lose touch with the outside world. Now I'm getting back in touch with the outside world. God it's nice.

I still think about her regularly, and I still cry daily about something. Every day gets a little better, and I get stronger. My network gets bigger, and I miss the relationship less.

If we got back together, her issues would arise, and she would put them on me. I know that. I fear a smear campaign in the near future. Let's hope she's not that sick. Only time will tell. I'll be getting renter's insurance in the near future.

1 comment:

  1. I really appreciate that you have shared all this. It's like you are in my head, everything is so on. For awhile I felt like I was the crazy one but then again I was also the only one to question this and seek professional help. Once I asked her to see someone and she was like, why bother. Now she even has her (male) friends threatening me because she's playing the "victim" card with them.


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