Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sundays are the worst

For so long, it's been tough, but this Sunday was the worst. I'm not sure why now, I'm not sure what it is; maybe because it's the Sunday before Christmas, maybe I went to the mall yesterday and walked by the food court where our family came together every week for a year, maybe it was all of it.

It was a hard week. It was a hard weekend. It was even harder today.

I woke up in tears, and that was how I was all day long. Just cried my eyes out all day long. I miss the relationship.

As I think about it, I don't miss her anymore. I miss the relationship and the security of the relationship.

I'm starting to realize that I was the object of her anger and insecurities. It was all my fault, it was everything that I did wrong. I was good at it though; I could handle it and almost thrive in it. Why?

I didn't want that part of it, ever. So much that I requested that we go into counseling after 6 months of the relationship, then after ten months, then again around a year. We were in counseling until the rest of the relationship.

She said, "I spent thousands of dollars of counseling trying to change you."

Really? Thanks for the help. Help yourself for once. Stop making me the reasons for your insecurity, anxiety, anger and turmoil. Isn't me. Never was, and never will be.

So, when I think about it:
- She treated me like crap
- She told me that I was bad all the time.

But I still miss it. I miss the affection and the intimacy. That was so good, so wholesome that you try to stick it out, no matter what. I think that I did the right things by making us go into counseling, but she never opened up and took accountability for her half of the relationship. It was me, all me.

She did take some responsibility, but she's not ready to open up. As a result, I'm a frigging wreck and have had my heart broken.

I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me.

She obviously didn't ever realize.

The sad thing is that I don't think she feels like I do. I don't think that she is suffering like this. When I first moved out, she said to me, "I've already mourned you," after four days.

Really? I've been mourning you for four weeks. It takes time.

I was listening to the radio and balled so hard that I had to pull the car over as I couldn't see. She'll never feel like this. She's not that in touch with her feelings.

I don't ever get mad. I just get sad. I really need to get mad about this, but I still can't believe that she said the things that she did. Even when we were breaking up, she is such a mean, nasty woman.

"You can't go to 3West. If you do, I'll start dating the bartender so they'll make you leave."

This is someone that I was going to marry and buy a house with. She says that to me now?

That's why I feel like my heart was broken. I never knew who I fell in love with until it was too late.

I have learned that I have to keep my eyes open and stop suffering from my dreaded "Dulcinea Syndrome." I need to better read people and not just accept them because I want a long-term partner so badly that I'm willing to accept what I don't want. I need to work on that. I need to work on that.

No more Dulcinea. Wait for the princess, boy. The wait will be worth it.

Sunday's almost over -- I got through another one. God, this was a difficult one. But I made it through it. I don't need her. I miss the relationship, but she hurt me bad, over and over. No reason to take that kind of crap, day in and day out. Life shouldn't be so hard.

I'm getting stronger, every day. But some are worse than others.


  1. Wow, this is just amazing, this story sequence.This is my life right now, my feelings.These relationships for the non BPD are simply addiction.It has nothing to do with love; love's only love when love is returned right?I've convinced myself I love this,I loved who he wanted to be, which ironically is who I want because he mirrors that!!! It's an addiction, and I'm fighting it right now. It's just wonderful that you've documentated you're journey...a relief really. Em

  2. I just want to thank you for this blog. It has helped me so much.
    I was involved with a bpd man. He split all the time, alienated every close friend and relative in his life. He hooked up with a girl 5 months ago, dumped me out of the blue and then started calling me up 2 weeks into dating her. Dumped her and we got back together. Then she came back into the picture. they are both oxy addicts. 3 months ago he flipped out on me, held me captive for 45 minutes while he told me how he wanted to beat the **** out of me and his newest victim wanted to beat the **** out of me and he should call her up right then and have her come over. He said he was going to get a knife and put my fingerprints on it and tell the police I came after him so he was acting in self-defense. He was punching holes in the walls around me. Everytime I got up he shoved me down. I didn't think I was getting out alive. He finally let me go. The whole time this was going on I was recording it with my phone hidden in my pocket. He made some threats about what he was going to do if I called the police. I didn't call the police after he let me go. I didn't want to have to see him again and I was happy he let me go. His new gf (the one that wanted to beat the **** out of me) moved in two weeks later.
    I feel so sorry for him now. I waited 2 months and then sent him a letter that I wanted to come and get the rest of my stuff. I asked him to put it outside so I could pick it up. The day I went there I had a police escort with me. But when I got there his dad had already brought the stuff to my house. (I let his dad know when I was coming and I was bringing a police escort).
    I haven't seen him yet. I read this blog and I feel so sorry for him. Today I sent a letter to him for closure and asking for no response and to let him know I forgive him for what he did to me. I explained how scared I was that night but I forgive him. I told him I understood the horrific abuse he suffered as a child and that I understand why he rages when he feels conflict may appear. I never said he had bpd but he certainly has it. He isn't diagnosed.
    I wish I had figured out he was bpd earlier but it is what it is. I sometimes made situations worse because I used my words as weapons when he raged.
    Bottom line is I do forgive him. I don't want him in my life at all but I don't want to walk around hating him. Now that I understand what he deals with inside I feel so sorry for him. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for anything.
    I feel such closure for sending the letter. I don't even care if he reads it. I have closed that chapter of my life and I can now move on.

  3. Thank you so much for this site. I can't tell you how much it is helping me just to read and see that other people have felt this way and are still somehow surviving.

    I didn't realize the person I was in love with was a BPD until after he cut off contact with me with no warning whatsoever. The research I have done in the aftermath and in my mourning has led me to these sites and the more I have read and learned, the more I see that he fits at least 6 out of the 9 BPD profile symptoms.

    The main thing that tipped me off was that after more than a year of incredible love (well, I thought it was), passion, sharing, intimacy, every day contact, he said goodnight and that he loved me, woke up the next day and has never spoken to me again.

    No explanation, no reason, no warning. Just total and complete abandonment and then the massive heartache and disaster that has resulted since he cut me off.

    I've heard stories that he tried to kill himself, that he faked it, that he is in rehab (for what??), that he is living with friends...I have no idea what the truth is bc he cut me off and he wants nothing to do with me.

    From every day of love love love and amazing sex and passion and planning the future and talking about everything to absolutely nothing. It is the most confusing and hurtful thing I have ever gone through, bar none.

    Of course as you all know it WASN'T all great all the time, nothing is...but the jealousy and the trust issues and the craziness and the moodiness and the depressive days and hopelessness I thought we could work through. I thought we WERE working through it.

    Apparently not. I just don't understand how things can go from "I love you more than you could ever know and I will never ever be able to get over you" to NOT A SINGLE WORD, no goodbye, no explanation, nothing. It doesn't compute.

    I'm about 5 weeks out and as broken as I've ever been.


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