Sundays are the worst

For so long, it's been tough, but this Sunday was the worst. I'm not sure why now, I'm not sure what it is; maybe because it's the Sunday before Christmas, maybe I went to the mall yesterday and walked by the food court where our family came together every week for a year, maybe it was all of it.

It was a hard week. It was a hard weekend. It was even harder today.

I woke up in tears, and that was how I was all day long. Just cried my eyes out all day long. I miss the relationship.

As I think about it, I don't miss her anymore. I miss the relationship and the security of the relationship.

I'm starting to realize that I was the object of her anger and insecurities. It was all my fault, it was everything that I did wrong. I was good at it though; I could handle it and almost thrive in it. Why?

I didn't want that part of it, ever. So much that I requested that we go into counseling after 6 months of the relationship, then after ten months, then again around a year. We were in counseling until the rest of the relationship.

She said, "I spent thousands of dollars of counseling trying to change you."

Really? Thanks for the help. Help yourself for once. Stop making me the reasons for your insecurity, anxiety, anger and turmoil. Isn't me. Never was, and never will be.

So, when I think about it:
- She treated me like crap
- She told me that I was bad all the time.

But I still miss it. I miss the affection and the intimacy. That was so good, so wholesome that you try to stick it out, no matter what. I think that I did the right things by making us go into counseling, but she never opened up and took accountability for her half of the relationship. It was me, all me.

She did take some responsibility, but she's not ready to open up. As a result, I'm a frigging wreck and have had my heart broken.

I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me.

She obviously didn't ever realize.

The sad thing is that I don't think she feels like I do. I don't think that she is suffering like this. When I first moved out, she said to me, "I've already mourned you," after four days.

Really? I've been mourning you for four weeks. It takes time.

I was listening to the radio and balled so hard that I had to pull the car over as I couldn't see. She'll never feel like this. She's not that in touch with her feelings.

I don't ever get mad. I just get sad. I really need to get mad about this, but I still can't believe that she said the things that she did. Even when we were breaking up, she is such a mean, nasty woman.

"You can't go to 3West. If you do, I'll start dating the bartender so they'll make you leave."

This is someone that I was going to marry and buy a house with. She says that to me now?

That's why I feel like my heart was broken. I never knew who I fell in love with until it was too late.

I have learned that I have to keep my eyes open and stop suffering from my dreaded "Dulcinea Syndrome." I need to better read people and not just accept them because I want a long-term partner so badly that I'm willing to accept what I don't want. I need to work on that. I need to work on that.

No more Dulcinea. Wait for the princess, boy. The wait will be worth it.

Sunday's almost over -- I got through another one. God, this was a difficult one. But I made it through it. I don't need her. I miss the relationship, but she hurt me bad, over and over. No reason to take that kind of crap, day in and day out. Life shouldn't be so hard.

I'm getting stronger, every day. But some are worse than others.