Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Love For The BPD

When I was with the BPD and times were tough, I remember saying to my Mom, "...and I really like this woman."

"C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday," my mother retorted. "I know that your feelings for her are a lot more than that."

Yeah, I didn't really like her. I loved her. That was probably the toughest thing. I loved her, and I hadn't loved like that since before I got married, probably ever.

Puppy Love
For those that have never loved a BPD, it's like puppy love. It's the love that you have with someone when you're in High School, that love that is so pure and so raw and so uneducated and so emotional.

The love with a Borderline is just this rawness that has no boundaries. It's like a drug that you want more and more and more of it. It's an amazing love like no other that becomes something that you thrive for -- you just want to immerse yourself with this drug.

I truly loved the BPD, with all of my heart. I cared for her daughters like they were my own kids. I took care of her dogs, and worked on her house. I gave the relationship my entire heart, soul and being, initially without boundary. I worked hard to make our times together special, and would often push out anger and resentment so we could continue to have special times and experiences. Until the very end of the relationship.

The Addiction
The Borderline can get their lovers to become addicted to them by giving this love then taking it away at times when they feel vulnerable, creating constant instability in the relationship. The relationship is going fine, and when something happens inside a borderline (often called the Vengence Switch), the borderline snaps and takes away their raw unfiltered love, replacing it with anger and rage like no other. The Non just wants to get the raw unfiltered love back, so they do what they need to get it back. They eventually get it back and the addictive cycle begins again.

Over time, the BPD will slip into more and more abusive behaviors, and the Non will slip into more and more desperate attempts to get the love back. The BPD kicked me out of her house -- twice -- yet I still went back both times. At the end of the relationship, she was threatening to call the police.

Draw The Line
In any healthy relationship, it's important to have healthy boundaries. One must decide what they will and will not take. With the borderline, I decided that when the police got involved, I was getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible. I have a family and a career and a positive reputation that I need to uphold.

Six months after the BPD and I last spoke, she actually did call the police on me (on Fathers Day nonetheless), accusing me of breaking into her computer system. At this point, we had completely cut off contact, so such accusations were just silly.

Unhealthy Giving

Looking back, I gave too much of myself. I gave so much of myself that the relationship was codependent. I ended up putting my well-being into the hands of someone who was mentally ill.

Mentally ill or not, I am the one who chooses my responses to situations. Whether I will be happy, sad, joyful or mad is my choice, and I will not let another person's mood, attitude or illness dictate how I will react and respond to the world's stimuli.

11 comments:

  1. Wow, Its like I just read my own story but with a few differances, Mine did call the police after I brought her a cup of coffee at her work parking lot like I always did! and after two text messages she got a order of protection against me!! Ya see she cheated on me and started seeing someone I trusted her with, a married man no less!! we were together for a year and a half and the first year was phenominal!! Thought I met the woman of my dreams and we were talking about marriage!! She dropped me like a hot potato! I tried to save the relationship and now she hates me!! Two weeks earlyer she was professing her undyeing love for me!! IT crushed me mentally and spiritually!! my son adored her!! I sent her one text after the order of protection asking to talk and she had me arrested!! now no contact for three months and still in pain!! I was simply traded in!!! It makes no sence! I am 45 yo and been in some serious relationships!! Never have I gone through anything like this!! she claimed I stalked her and I never went near her house or work cept after that coffee wich she accepted and shared with me for twenty minutes!! She lied to the police!! and to me!! I dont understand any of it!! I went to therapy and still do, and told the therapyst all the details and he lit up and went OOooohhhhhh BPD, look it up!! I feel for anyone that has had to go through anything remotely similar!! They say they come back or Hoover, I dont expect that as she has to obey the OP also!! I want a closure I will never receive!! I hope for the hoover just to try and get some closure and understanding! We were each others everything and I have been thrown away like a old pair of shoes!!!! Its hard!! If I even tryed to contact her I could go to jail!! I have a son and home and reputation in my community!! my son is 12 and she knows this!! but didnt care!!! It sucks!!!

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  2. My story is very similar as well. The puppy love description is dead on. For the first year and a half the emotion and love was more intense than any I had ever experienced before. But the anger and rage, over the most trivial things, kept getting worse and worse. In every case it was something I or someone else did or said that she felt rejected by. And she could never let anything go. Every one of her rages became a growing list of how she had been wronged and her life had been ruined because of me or someone else.
    Even our breakup was that way. In her words I abandoned the relationship. In my mind she left me long before we actually split and pushed me away. We were having some of the best of our times together, when one day she did a 180 and started acting like I didn't even exist. When I tried to talk to her about our lack of intimacy, pointing out that we were leading seperate lives she always became defensive and would start raging again. It was if she didn't want the relationship anymore and she was always questioning me whether I wanted it or not. If I had known that I was dealing with someone with a personality order, I would have done a lot of things differently.
    After splitting, I was left so puzzled by her actions, rationalization and logic that I couldn't stop trying to figure out what had happened and why. After a few months apart I contacted her again and we started up again as close friends. She told me that, after we broke up, she had asked her therapist, (that should of been my first clue), if I had NPD. At that time I didn't know what narcisism was, but I sure do now. Ever since I've been reading a lot and whether she has NPD or BPD makes no difference, because she has 90% of both those characteristics and so did the family that she was raised in.
    Today I am still torn by this woman. Trying to be just friends really isn't working that great and she has found cause to start the raging again. Still can't let anything from the past go. It breaks my heart that her life is so full of fear, anxiety and emptiness, but she refuses to let anyone get close enough to truly support her and I am getting so screwed up that I have no choice but to take care of myself. Hopefully I can do so without causing her anymore pain than she already lives with.

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  3. Thanks for the validation to a non bp that has a very similar story. I was pushed and pulled through 4 years of seperation. Waiting desperatly for her spitting to ask me back and work on the marriage. I was addicted!The end for me was when she came back after being involved with another guy,said I was the most wonderful person in the world, blah blah blah.To only pull the pedestal out 3 days later. And to blame me for all the problems in the marriage.I didn't know about BPD till I started researching these sites and blogs.My advice to nons is to stop trying to make sense or expect apologies or closure. The phone call to the police was the final straw for me. When these threats and accusations start to involve the police it is time to get away. We have a son together so it is impossible to do. Exercise, prayer for forgiveness towards her and eliminating alcohol has helped immensly. Also a no contact rule aside from a strict schedule for co parenting is needed. She would call and try to gode me into an arguement which I used to do with her, and she would get the attention she needed and claim I was harrasing her. You have to stop these situations,by understanding these people are mentally ill. And if drawn into their world you can go insane!!! Your life will not be fulfilling unless the BP is diagnosed and honest with their illness and wants to seek help. This unfortunatly rarley happens, and has to be done by the BP. You cannot fix BPs. They have to do it themselves. You have to get away from your BP if their behaviour is negatively affecting your life. It is self preservation. Otherwise you will be in limbo and not be able to experience the love in a healthy relationship.

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  4. Found this blog after my counselor told me to go and research BPD. Have discovered that the wonderful friend I have fallen in love with, at the expense of my marriage, is probably a BPD. I am deeply in love with her and want to be with her but she is pushing me away. I didn't get it - thought there was something wrong with me - until the counselor joined the dots. Now it is starting to make sense. I can't walk away although everything I'm reading tells me I should. I guess I have to get myself through this and see how things work out.

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  5. Not all BP's argue. I've had the violent type years ago. There's the sweet heart victim type too. She is controlling you with lies and telling you what you want to hear. She is cheating and may have a secret life or even be married. When your intuition turns your stomach. listen to it. Don't be afraid to ruin something that isnt real anyway. Find ways to check her information. Ask questions and details as if your interested when you hear a crazy story. Judge her reactions and trust your gut when it warns you. No matter how bad you dont want it to end. It's better if you end it first. Never give her that power. By ignoring and looking the other way she takes it from you piece by piece. When its gone so is she.

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  6. I can tell you how I felt. Watch the scene in Braveheart when Wallace discovers LaBruce has betrayed him. He's so shocked he just lays down wanting to die. Kind of like that but worse. I bet LaBruce was a borderline.

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  7. Healing Man - 1st entry:
    MY EXPERIENCE LOVING A BPD
    How It Began
    I was at the lowest point of my 22 year marriage...love had been gone for 7 long years and the relationship had devolved into merely financial partners and managers of our children when my wife made a unilateral financial decision that rocked my world...all trust with her was broken and I almost immediately struck out to emotionally and physically connect with a woman who would appreciate me...I met a married stranger (BPD)at a library, had a couple of meaningless sex sessions at her home...and eventually fell deeply, wildly in love with her. She said she was a highly functioning autistic spectrum person. She seemed perfect for awhile and I found her "behavioural nuances" intiguing. She was no doubt one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Our conversations were stimulating. She was very arty and charming. She started talking to me about recuing her from her physically and mentally abusive, sex addict husband (her 3rd husband) which she had been married to for almost 3 years. She said her was so abusive that she almost quit living her life to become his sex slave. She wasn't working as he had "taken away her ambition". I was to be her knight in shining armor and after we emotionally connected....the sex was absolutely incredible and frequent. She was a pretty, petite, blonde beauty and initiated sex almost everytime we got together. We went to restaurants, museums, even a trip to another city and had many laughs together. "Marry me!" she would say with regularity.

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  8. The hard thing to accept is we were no more to them then a bottle of alcohol or a valium. Just a coffee break from their pain.

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  9. I am about 19 months post break up of my relationship to a BPD lady. She was the calm type that had the second life the person spoke of earlier. And as stated in most profiles, I was completely irrelevant when the relationship ended. I have depended on this blog as a sense of centering me as the 6 weeks of post traumatic counseling could only do so much. I remember thinking to myself that this "dream girl" was too good to be true, ignoring the red flags as committment phobia's. Our last week together she called off a date with a lame excuse. A light went off in my head and I had a friend do a drive by...only to find out she had a second car in the driveway...she didn't even care enough to take it on the road. A week earlier her dad was visiting and she took her boys to a neighbor and asked me to get her dad's blessing for us getting engaged...yes 48 hours before the infidelity. Turns out this guy has been in and out of her life many times before, and they bought season passes to a ski resort months before this encounter. Yes, they can deceive you easily and frequently. After 19 months I still avoid driving anywhere near her house, and avoid all contact. I know that showing no attention and authentically doing so is the sign that you have moved on. But honestly I still feel the wounds from time to time, and her gift of making me skeptical with women has interfered in new relationships. I have read a profile or two that state that they are still involved with the BPD. My analogy is this...It is like being under a hurricane from a weather map perspective. From time to time you will have the peace of being under the eye of the hurricane, but chaos is found on every gust of wind. You will never have true peace while under the BPD's sphere of influence...peace will only come when you are totally out from under it and done sifting through the rubble!

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  10. Being in love with a BPD is amazing, too good to be true... in my case, he loves me completely but he can't control his emotions and bad things begin to happen when he begins drinking and it can go on for hours and hours, the rage, bad words, fights about misunderstandings, words I've never said or meanings that don't exist, and in the middle of the hurricane he can we incredibly sweet one moment... and the next moment new rage about nothing, no logic at all, no sense trying to explain something, he won't listen at all... and all the while I'm in a surviving mode, being very careful about what I say or do not anger him more and just trying to find the first moment to escape... just run away, get away from all the madness.... and now that I think about this, does he have BPD or is he Bipolar, which is the difference?

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    1. He is Bipolar. My ex boyfriend could be BPD. he recently broke up with me because i did not put any effort into our relationship apparently. he stated this because: "when did you ever open the car door for me" "you don't make a plan to see me; i have to always fetch you and drop you off". God, isn't that the norm for males? to treat their lady specially? i dated him for two and a half years, but recently his anger became evident. he blames me for all the horridness in his life. he blames me for not having any mre friends. he blames me for his rage, anger, depression and insecurities. i gave him my all..but i was never good enough. if i could define perfect, he was the epitome of it. and then he started treating me like i am worthless. he constantly degraded me. and when i stopped running after him..he came to my house and asked me if we could be friends. the next day..his rage surfaced again..and i became his verbal punching bag once more. what do i do? i love this guy immensely..but i need to let go. i don't know how to though and its killing me. i am in a horrible state of depression.

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