"C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday," my mother retorted. "I know that your feelings for her are a lot more than that."
Yeah, I didn't really like her. I loved her. That was probably the toughest thing. I loved her, and I hadn't loved like that since before I got married, probably ever.
Puppy Love
For those that have never loved a BPD, it's like puppy love. It's the love that you have with someone when you're in High School, that love that is so pure and so raw and so uneducated and so emotional.
The love with a Borderline is just this rawness that has no boundaries. It's like a drug that you want more and more and more of it. It's an amazing love like no other that becomes something that you thrive for -- you just want to immerse yourself with this drug.
I truly loved the BPD, with all of my heart. I cared for her daughters like they were my own kids. I took care of her dogs, and worked on her house. I gave the relationship my entire heart, soul and being, initially without boundary. I worked hard to make our times together special, and would often push out anger and resentment so we could continue to have special times and experiences. Until the very end of the relationship.
The Addiction
The Borderline can get their lovers to become addicted to them by giving this love then taking it away at times when they feel vulnerable, creating constant instability in the relationship. The relationship is going fine, and when something happens inside a borderline (often called the Vengence Switch), the borderline snaps and takes away their raw unfiltered love, replacing it with anger and rage like no other. The Non just wants to get the raw unfiltered love back, so they do what they need to get it back. They eventually get it back and the addictive cycle begins again.
Over time, the BPD will slip into more and more abusive behaviors, and the Non will slip into more and more desperate attempts to get the love back. The BPD kicked me out of her house -- twice -- yet I still went back both times. At the end of the relationship, she was threatening to call the police.
Draw The Line
In any healthy relationship, it's important to have healthy boundaries. One must decide what they will and will not take. With the borderline, I decided that when the police got involved, I was getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible. I have a family and a career and a positive reputation that I need to uphold.
Six months after the BPD and I last spoke, she actually did call the police on me (on Fathers Day nonetheless), accusing me of breaking into her computer system. At this point, we had completely cut off contact, so such accusations were just silly.
Unhealthy Giving
Looking back, I gave too much of myself. I gave so much of myself that the relationship was codependent. I ended up putting my well-being into the hands of someone who was mentally ill.
Mentally ill or not, I am the one who chooses my responses to situations. Whether I will be happy, sad, joyful or mad is my choice, and I will not let another person's mood, attitude or illness dictate how I will react and respond to the world's stimuli.
