Thursday, November 5, 2009

2 Years

This blog is going on its second anniversary, second birthday, second whatever you want to call it. I've been doing this for two years. I can't believe it.

What a crazy two years it has been. I remember when I first started blogging, it was this sort of passive-aggressive way for the Borderline that I was getting out my frustrations. I blogged once in November when the relationship was in its yo-yo mode.

I remember the pain that I would feel when she would outright reject me; before this time, I lived with her, so every night, I would come home to make the world right once again. Then, during the day, it unraveled.

Once we lived apart (I moved out in September 2007), her cycles of abuse got worse and worse. She began threatening the police. Although it hurt -- and I mean hurt like I've never felt before, I was getting stronger. I eventually stopped playing into her anxiety and went on my own. Two years ago is when I really began breaking the chains. Within a month, I was completely done.

I really wonder why I began writing the blog, now that I think about it. I think at first, it was my self-medication. Getting it out and off of my chest was medicinal for me. It's especially difficult to talk to your friends about your borderline relationship because your friends grow tired of hearing about the dysfunction that you live in, and you start to dislike telling others because you feel like such as sniveling idiot.

However, the blog has continued for a number of reasons. There was a time where I was writing for the BPD to see how I had "recovered" from the pain that she inflicted (I really hadn't recovered but wanted to put my best face on). I also thought that she would see the blog and feel really bad for what she did, and she would finally see how badly she was treating me. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

She did see the blog. On March 30, 2008, she was on the blog for over an hour and viewed 20 posts (which I think was about the entire blog at that time). I don't think she has viewed the blog since then, but I could be wrong. This one, I'm sure was her.

By the way, the way that I know this is through my web analytics program. This program will tell me the town that someone is from and the type of browser that they're using. The site got about 5 to 10 hits per day then, and she used a Mac (which was out of the ordinary), so I'm quite confident that she was on the site. The site used to be linked into my home page (I've since changed that)

The only thing I've heard of her since then was when the police contacted me on Father's Day because she accused me of breaking into her online photo albums and putting pictures of myself, which is downright goofy. By this point, I wasn't writing for her or to talk to her -- I was writing for me.

Most of the time, I've written this blog to heal. To make myself feel better. To get through the pain that I felt. Was it because the breakup was dysfunctional and with a borderline, or was it because it was just a difficult breakup? Probably a little of both.

"You are both so enmeshed that no contact is the only option," the psychiatrist told me when we discussed the breakup.

Enter Jennie. When Jennie and I started dating, I thought I was done healing. I stopped blogging out of respect for her and because I thought I had finished my healing. Jennie's good, though, and she wouldn't let me *not* heal, so she encouraged my blogging. After what I went through, I couldn't imagine someone who could be so encouraging, but she has encouraged it and has felt that the blog is a wonderful expression.

When I have felt like I was done blogging and I was going to stop, I begin hearing from all of the blog's readers. Everyone who comments, or those of you that send me emails ( If by sharing a bit of myself with each of you, I can help you heal, then I'll continue blogging. I'll continue to cover topics which are important, but will continue it as part of the me project -- it continues and will continue for quite some time.

The blog continues to get an increased number of followers, and the number of emails that I receive has increased. Web traffic has also increased, and readership spans the globe. BPD is not isolated to one country, or one continent, by the way.

So nearly two years ago, I began breaking the chains of the BPD relationship and started the healing process. Read my blog post titled Heal.

Since then, I've grown quite a bit and continue to grow. In upcoming posts, I'll highlight some of my growth and how I continue.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you need and want. The Me Project Continues.


  1. Can you heal in case you stay in the abusive relationship?

  2. I don't think you can heal if you stay in an abusive relationship. You can create firm boundaries which protect yourself from the abuse, but healing will be downright difficult, if not impossible.


Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.