Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Saw The Borderline Again: Life Goes On

You know it's going to happen, and it just happened a week ago. My oldest son and I were playing golf together, right by the BPD's house and we saw her. She was playing golf too, with a guy (I'm going to assume that it's her current boyfriend).

You Can Recover from a BPD Relationship

It amazes you, because the longer you're out of a relationship with a BPD, the more you heal. If I had seen her two years ago, it would have been difficult to not get upset about the whole thing. A year ago, it still would have shook me, at least a little bit. Now, I say to my son, "is that her? Wow."

It's clear that my life is so different now. I look back at myself and see how much I've grown, wondering how I was able to put up with someone that had BPD. Clearly, we change and our tolerance changes. Poor Jennie has to deal with a more callous person -- hopefully, I'm still warm enough and loving enough that I fulfill her needs.

As time progresses, the borderline goes from the love of your life, the one that you wanted to spend every waking moment with, to one that you can't believe how much you put into. You almost get embarrassed that you were with this person and can't believe that you spent so much time on anyone, let alone someone that treated you so poorly.

That's what it's like when you get yourself back again. It's a very nice feeling.

Not a Normal Relationship

When I saw the borderline, I commented to my son (who's 15), "you know, if this was a normal relationship and we saw one another, we would have walked up to each other said hello, I would have introduced myself to her new boyfriend and would have told her about Jennie and--"

"It's not a normal, it was totally wacky," my son interrupted.

He's right, the relationship was completely nonsensical, it was not a normal relationship. This is not someone who thinks normally at all. It's a shame, but there can never be a friendship after the relationship has ended. She has made me into the enemy, someone who is evil and did terrible things to her.

Posting on BPD Relationship Recovery

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y moving the site and functionality to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, a site that contains all the functionality here and more. On the site, I'm working on developing forums so readers can have conversations (strangely, people continue to communicate by commenting on this site :-)) and can help one another out.

The Us project is continuing to develop. If you'd like to continue communicating with others that are recovering from BPD, simply go to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, register for the site and start contributing to the forums. You can send one another messages there and there are private forums for you, depending on where you are in your journey on the road to BPD relationship recovery.


  1. I completely understand what you said about what happens with when you met an ex-partner from a normal relationship, you just chat and touch base. You catch up on what has been going on without bad feeling or guilt.

    When I came across my ex-partner with BDP in a social situation they just avoided all contact and spent all their time playing with their phone to make it clear they didn’t want any kind of communication. It was when they ran out of things to do with the phone that they departed with a fabricated excuse they said to a friend that was meant to be overheard. You are completely right that sort behaviour is not normal from my past experience.

    To me it seems, the shutting out is part of their defence for having to deal with the truth and the reality of the past and the shame they feel for it. It preserves the lies they have created in their heads to make them think that are faultless and are not to blame in anyway even if deep down in their tortured minds they know the truth if they care to look. In their minds why would they want to talk to someone so nasty and evil as you, after all that is what they have probably been telling all their friends? I know my ex BDP partners friends will cross the street to avoid me and their family have been told to have nothing to do with me. I was warned off talking to them in case I told the truth about the end of the relationship and what they did, as it would blow the “I’m perfect and innocent” story they have created to bits. The truth is they will do everything to protect themselves and their own made up version of history.

    The feeling of loss and hurt, from what you are saying, do get better over time, but from reading the posts and the comments this varies from one person to another. I just wish I were one of the people that seem to let go more easily. I’m still at the stage when any interaction with them still effects me greatly.

  2. It's absolutely amazing to "read" you go from totally distraught to flourishing over the years.

    I am just now letting go of my BPD relationship.

    Today, I saw the first sight of my spirit shine through just a wee bit.
    And I really liked it......a lot!

  3. How do you let it go when BOTH partners suffer from BPD? Please tell me.

  4. Question to the person that asked what to do if you both have BPD is first to question if you do both have it. One of the thing that can happen to a non BPD is that they start to think they have it too. I'm not sure why this happens, but I think it is to do become so sympathetic to the BDP's needs you get in tune with them. The first port of call is to mental health professional to make sure you both actually have it. If that is the case then both of you need to seek professional help individually if you are parted or individually and as a couple if you are together. I hope this helps.

  5. What I find strange is you think you know someone for x years and then you find you don't know them at all. Why is that?

  6. "What I find strange is you think you know someone for x years and then you find you don't know them at all. Why is that?"

    I'm going to reply to this looking only at a relationship between a person with borderline traits and a non. Deep rooted fear of abandonment paired with intense interpersonal relationships and mirroring are usually a huge part of the relationship. The BPD wanting that relationship will mirror the partner creating a "false" sense of a deep connection that typically results in a very intense relationship. They keep mirroring even as you may change likes, etc. Now that doesn't mean the person is incapable of having interest but the intensity that they will display about interest you may also have is crazy!

  7. When you said about Jennie having to put up with a more callous person it brought back the fear i have. I do not want the BPDex to leave me damaged. I was a loving person before him and i fear i have lost that. Or rather it was taken from me. Two years post BPD relationship now and i am so sceptical. He is in a relationship and i am alone with my fears.

  8. Hazel I understand where you are coming from so completely. Everyone I meet I look to see if they have BPD. I have a checklist. It is all so sad. They break us and we have to rebuild our lives and rediscover and we become so frightened of meeting another person with BPD. What are we to do?

  9. I am just learning about BPD, and my jaws are wide open. After being with this person for 4 years, she cut the ties and said no hard feelings. She said its not you and you did nothing wrong. It has been coming, she said. Now she after five days I called her at her work and she talks like she is reading a book. I am like who this? You weren't like this before?

  10. My ExBPD finally broke up with me after 21/2 years of torture. I feel so used inside she just recently used me last week. Asked me to get her in NC from PA I did and had to go straight to work when I got back till 10pm so I was up 24hrs she didn't care. Now since I did that for her she just stop calling me. It hurts ecause I feel I was taken a fool for yet again by her. The sad part is I love her kids and miss them so much. I have cried everyday and I try to get mad and I can't. I try to hate her she even beat me while I was sleeping with a broom. Yet I see past this probelm and I wish she would come back. Why is this it was all abusive I have scars on my body that remind me. I feel like something is wrong with me to want her back I'm crying as I'm writing this. I have never felt so weak.

  11. My BP broke up with me 4 months ago. She used me to the bitter end. The damage feels so permanant. Im no better now than I was the first day she broke up. Im seeing a therapist and all. The hardest part is knowing you trusted and loved someone with no conscience at all. How do you ever trust yourself again. And as a man, it seems worse. We are just supposed to "manup" and move on. Be tough. I dont feel tough. I feel broken.

  12. It wasn't perfect,... our relationship had the typical BPD seducing an unhappy husband, the vascillation of divorce, the completion of divorce, and now it died leaving me feeling worthless and used for nearly three years as I found a car in my BPD's driveway with the bedroom light on. That is the closure I needed in a relationship that now can only be described as a living HELL. The love I had for her was monumental, unconditional, and fully expressed. I see now that she is a victim of BPD, and no amount of my begging for calmer waters could ever suffice her own demons... my kids loved her kids, even the dog we all chose, it was the life I always wanted - sans the almost daily volley of I love you/hate you. I am hopeful I can get through this incessant pain and irrationability as I foolishly cling to the memory of the future I/we had hoped for us. But BPD reality showed me the callousness and verocity of her need to be accepted... I hope she found it... for my pure love for her came with the eternal hope she finds happiness either with or without me. Good luck baby... qqqqqqq


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