How's it going?
Not so good, I bet. If the person is a true borderline, and you're having a true BPD relationship, there is no way that you can continue contact and stay "friends." Borderline relationships just aren't like that. They're too intense, too hot or cold; they really can't be tepid and continue along as a friendship.
Why You Can't Have a Friendship With A Borderline After Breakup
There are many reasons why you can't have a friendship with a borderline after a breakup:- BPDs are black and white thinkers -- Either you're their hero or you're a villain in the mind of a borderline. If you're a villain, BPDs will make you into someone so bad in their mind that they will convince themselves that you've done something wrong to them. They'll make it so bad that smear campaigns will ensue, or they will take out restraining orders against you.
- The relationship will never be stable -- Borderlines love drama, and the relationship will have to continue to be unstable for them to want to be in it. My relationship with the BPD had daily fireworks where she would create issues and drama for me to deal with, stabilizing the relationship every day. I had a vested interest in the relationship as she was my partner, my living mate, my lover. Friendships that are this unstable would never survive.
- More pain will be involved in the relationship -- BPDs are insanely jealous, spiteful and not people that you want to be around when they are unhappy. Do you think that your newfound BPD ex will be pleased when you announce that you have a new lover? I don't think so. Yet, they'll want to share all gory details of their new relationship. Believe me, the relationship will be uneven, unstable, and unacceptable long term.
I haven't seen my ex BPD girlfriend for nearly three years. We sent messages to one another a couple months out of the relationship, but it quickly flowered into insanity that could not be controlled. Without me physically in her life, her thoughts were so far out there that she was suddenly telling me that she felt like I was threatening her and the like; two months later on Fathers Day, I got a phone call from the police asking me if I was breaking onto her computer and putting my picture on her photo galleries.
No contact is critical for recovery. If you have children, set firm boundaries that the borderline can't break, then don't ever break them yourself. Borderlines make you do things that you would never do. You can't be that person as they will make you pay for those mistakes then play the victim. You will have quite a difficult time rebuilding anyone's trust if you are the one breaking boundaries or the law.
You're right about "no contact" with ex BPD's.
ReplyDeleteI tried to be a "friend" to my exBPD girlfriend and when I started to stand up for myself and called-out her rude/inappropriate behaviors (hitting on men in front of me, telling me she's going to sleep with many men, and the callous put downs and criticisms no "normal" friend would ever dish-out) thats when all hell broke loose.
Once I showed I wasnt going to tolerate bad behavior, she took my firm stance as "extremely violent"- although I never was. She then started telling me that she felt she'd end up "dead" in some back-alley. (Totally psychotic).
At this point (REAL craziness begins)- I dont know if she truely believed this "fear" but I realized It was best to "take her word" and get the hell away from her!!! I was scared of her and couldnt believe how they can dream stuff up and believe it to be true (in their minds)- yet, I never gave her ANY REASON to ever feel this way.
Weeks later, she tries to re-engage me in comunication!! This goes on for months, WTF?? I thought she felt fear for her safety?? Seems she only was fearful when it suited her (i.e. drunk or had someone else).
When it gets to- Psychosis or Delusions- it's BEST to STAY NO CONTACT (forever).
Protect yourself.
so. very. true.
Delete"when I started to stand up for myself and called-out her rude/inappropriate behaviors (hitting on men in front of me, telling me she's going to sleep with many men, and the callous put downs and criticisms no "normal" friend would ever dish-out) thats when all hell broke loose."
My bpd ex (H) was horrible in exactly these same ways. She kept saying I couldn't take a joke. And I'd tell her it's not a joke when it's putting someone down or just being mean (like most of her words when she couldn't get her way). She would act like she couldn't understand, like I was the one being in the wrong. She knew what she was doing. She is just a Mean Woman. Apparently she was a mean girl in elementary school as well.
signed,
I-am-Free, no-use-calling-me!
So Much Happier now that I don't have her to answer to in Any Way
Having an ex partner with BPD with whom I share a child this is easy said than done. I have to pick up our child from her and it doesn't help in getting rid of the feelings you end up with after the relationship has ended. You still see their pain and the love inside you wants to make it better. Inside you long to be at least friends with the person you loved so much, although logically your mind tells you it is not possible. Just as you mind tells you it not possible to go back to the relationship you were in at the end.
ReplyDeleteI know I have been the subject of a smear campaign and have had the person try and get the police involved on the grounds of harassment when all I have done is offer help , support and sometimes mention my feelins. They are quick to use you but when you say something they don't like or can't control they quick to attack or generally get nasty and short with you. They become incapable of understanding your feelings unless they can use it to there advantage when they use to understand your every action or move. It is like live a nightmare and you have to continue living like you are walking on egg shells.
Given how they win your heart initially by building you up and making you feel perfect having your biggest fan become you biggest critic isn't easy. Initially you believe the smear campaign and think they are telling the truth about you. As far as I can understand this is because you lose your own sense of identity in the relationship as well as your own version of history. For me one of the things that it was important was to discover who I was again and that is were old friends that pre date the relationship come in. he can tell you who you really are and start the healing process.
The other thing I have noticed is how they continue to use your good nature while calling you all kind of names behind your back. If they want something they are quick to be friendly, while if you ask a favour of them they take ages to respond and when they do it feels like they are biting your head off. The other thing they do is lie in order to get what they want earn in fact being honest would probably get the same results.
All in all dealing with an ex who has BDP is a nightmare and I concur with the blog post, however it does leave one question in my mind. What do people who have to continue to see their BDP ex partner do to aid there recovery? They are constantly remind of the past, their loss while the abuse continues..
Sorry if I have repeated myself, but this is still in my thinking pot. I know I have strong feelings for my ex partner and I feel these will never go away. I feel lost.
Well, my BPD relationship is over.
ReplyDeleteIt ended a couple of weeks ago - Emotionally however, I have been ready for the end of it for a while now. Since the last time she split me then hoovered me back. I accepted that this time was it but I remained in touch until the end of last week, when we went for a drink and I think she set me up.
After a while, her new love interest arrived, apparently out of the blue and before him, she set about trying to negate everything we had been to each other.
They both got quite drunk and It was getting into the position where I think she wanted to spark a fight between us but I flatly refused to go there and thankfully, so did he - At least she might have found a decent guy?
As the night wore-on, she dragged us into a club and continued to be sarky and sparky but neither of us rose to it. Eventually vanishing altogether and leaving him (by now very drunk) in my charge - So I gave him my phone number with an invitation to talk, bundled him in a taxi and left her to the crowd of admirers she was laying-off to.
Apart from two brief, practical text messages the next day, we have said nothing to each other since but I have had a short and reasonably friendly exchange with the new guy, who is anxious to encourage me to remain a friend to them both. At the moment, I've said nothing about BPD to him but I am seriously considering becoming his friend as he is going to need one soon.
In the meantime, totally out of the blue, I went for a quiet drink and got talking to a nice girl - We seemed to hit it off well enough and I told her I was just out of a very difficult relationship and hurting badly but would be willing to start getting know her - slowly. We may talk further about it soon.
After nine days of silence, my BPD ex made herself felt this weekend.
ReplyDeleteI was out of the city, spending the weekend beginning to get to know the new girl and we were having a very charming evening in her home town.
First, BPD texts me with an "I'm out, come and have a drink with me message" I don't reply.
A few minutes later, she texts me again, saying she is in a particular bar, on her own, with a bittle of our favourite wine on the table - where am I?
Then she tries to phone me - seven times.
By this time, new girl is beginning to wonder why my phone is buzzing constantly on my hip, so I told her who was calling and she said it was ok for me to reply. We are getting a taxi at this point, so I text BPD saying that I'm in a taxi and I will be in touch soon.
The phone rings and rings again - which brings the number up to seventeen calls in total.
When we get back to the new girl's, I text the BPD again, telling her that I am out and having a fine enough night without her. She replies with a series of texts telling me what a fantastic time she's having despite being on her own (where is her new guy?) and how I should be getting myself and anyone else along to join her.
Then I do what I maybe should have done earlier and tell BPD that I am not in the city tonight. This silences her till very early the next morning when she sends me a huffy text saying how she is now up and getting ready to go to the early session at her local evangelical church and will not be doing any of her usual Sunday activities.
I now have a bit of explaining to do to new girl and needless to say, I'd spent the night alone in the spare bed.
Next day was fine, until late on when she sends me a series of long media messages, dismissing, demeaning and twisting every aspect of our relationship into something wrong, or unhealthy/unsuitable for her, then going-on about how happy, grounded and perfect things are with her new guy, and how finding god again has made her life just so great. She then finished by saying that she hoped I could feel good about myself soon after doing all those supposedly horrible things to her.
Rather than say that she had just about managed to kill any of the remaining respect and affection I have for her, I simply replied that I didn't have the time because I was enjoying a good weekend with new girl and I would like the rest of the night to myself.
Next morning, BPD had changed her tune - Sudenly she was so happy for me and wanting to know all about new girl and would she and I come to meet her and her new guy soon etc.
New girl and I parted on nice enough terms but I really don't know what damage BPD might have done to any possible relationship. She did want to know more about BPD and also opened up about some of her relationship past, so only time will tell.
My BPD ex is making it hard for me tonight.
ReplyDeleteIt seems her mother had an accident and landed-up being treated in a hospital some miles from her home town. She knows I got-on very well with her folks and her mother in particular. The inference in her texts was clear. She wanted me to drop everything and drive her out to the depths of the country to collect her mom from hospital and take her home - Neither of her elderly parents now drives and it would be an expensive taxi for them.
It was hard for me just to ask her to send my best wishes for a good recovery to her.
New girl is still in touch, sparingly. Dunno if that is good or not?
Well, the good news today is that new girl is still very much in the picture. She woke me up with a delightful phone call on the way to work. I left home smiling from ear to ear. :-)
ReplyDeleteHowever, this afternoon after a couple of practical texts about things like bank stuff and property, the BPD has just spent over an hour bombarding me with requests to go out partying with her - we both know where that would end-up, interspersed with news about her parents and how sorted/organised she has suddenly become.
Fine, go organise your own life Ms.
I don't drink much or only occasionally to excess these days but I think I have a bottle of brandy at home with my name on it and a pressing desire to get sh*tfaced toniight. :-(
Despite my sticking to as near no-contact as I can manage (practical stuff by text, only), my BPD-ex has continued to bombard me with tales of he "new" and "perfect" life over the last few weeks. First she went on at length about how she had become "step-mom" and "step-granny" to a whole new family, after what, only 5-6 weeks and how her new social life was so good. Except that she still insists on doing what we used to do on most Sundays and bemoans me for not turning-up.
ReplyDeleteOh and to rub it in further, she went on about how happy her boy is with all this but my mother met him in town and the poor lad was apparently very withdrawn and depressed.
Then she starts telling me she is bored and bombards me with requests to attend her because her new man was working away - which he does often (unavalable?). I replied to tell her I was on a short holiday with new girl and she changes her tune again to ask all about what we were doing and "do you think you two were meant to be?" - Then tells me she and her new man are getting married soon - After only 6-7 weeks!
Now she is telling me how a new job has sorted any other loose ends in her life - I'll save the story about her BPD caused her to lose her last job!
Very draining but I'm finding the support from new girl very very helpful. Although she has had a very different time, she can see enough similarities to recognise and understand what this woman is trying to do to me.
I actually love all of these updates, helps me with my own struggle. I am 3 weeks out with NC after she decided she didnt love me anymore randomly. Fear of abandonment is my guess after a huge outburst from her when I wished to disguss a small issue. Im anticipating contact and hoovers and this gives me strength. Thank you
ReplyDeleteWell, to update further, my BPD-ex seems to have given-up on trying to contact me directly FTM.
ReplyDeleteSo I've had to deal with her mother and her son enquiring into my life and imploring me to stay somewhere in her life instead. Great!
Anyway, things continue to go well enough with the new girl and we are maybe heading into something together, slowly and at a much more normal pace. Although some days are still pretty hard for me when the memories/yearnings for the BPD hit.
I am also having my first full weekend at home to myself since we split. I've done it but it has not been easy to keep away from the patterns and places that would bring me into contact with the BPD and her friends.
I came home last night to find that the BPD had sent me a long letter.
ReplyDeleteAt least she discussed the remaining practical things we need to sort out. However, I won't be able to use texts because her phone contract has run out, apparently. So she asks I phone her or go to see her or she might come to me (no way!) - And she wrote "call me" on the outside of the envelope too.
It also appears she lost her new job. I'm kind of not surprised.
After that, I really don't know what she was trying to do. Asking me all sort of things about why I'm not doing what I did, how things are with New Girl and how she wants to set aside time every week to see me. Of course she continues to tell me how wonderful things are with her new guy. All the things she used to say about me.
This time she apologised for hurting me and did not try to demean our relationship - but as usual it was entirely on her terms. She had to it seems because her feelings for this guy were "so strong" and it "was just meant to be". Now where have I heard all that before?
So what is she asking of me? She clearly does not want to let me go. Forgiveness, or what some kind of validation that she was right about turning against me and turning my life upside down so many times and continuing to try to do so?
I really don't know.
My last update seems to have vanished in the Ether, so to recap, I have had more contact from my BPD-ex.
ReplyDeleteThe weekend following my last update, I was at home again and on the Sunday, I decided to head into town to get some new clothes.
I had an idea that the BPD might be in the area because our usual Sunday activity has been cancelled for a few weeks and the part of town where similar things so-on is right beside the shopping area I was headed for. So as I was finishing my shopping and heading for a coffee, I saw one of her friends in the street and said hello in passing. I didn't stop to talk.
10-15 minutes later, as I was sitting with a coffee, my phone began to ring from an unknown number and continued to ring for about 30 minutes. New girl was also in touch by text and was very supportive.
Shortly after that, I was walking away from the shops and sure enough, I saw the BPD standing chatting to people outside a pub. One we used to go to occasionally to dance. I changed route and she didn't see me.
My mood was not good for the rest of that day.
Four days later, a leter arrived. A long letter from the BPD. Once again she regailed me with tales of her "perfect" new life, how good her new man is to her and about all the "special" ways that endear him to her - Which appear to be just about the same things that made me so "special" to her. Full-on idealisation?
However, she still says she wants me in her life, to find time every week to meet and do things etc. She also indicated a willingness to resolve with the remaining practical issues and finally she apologised for hurting me but as usual, it was all on her terms and because of her "feelings" - As if we never had a relationship.
She also indicated that her new man had offered to pay me some money she owes or that she would be willing to give me a little towards it every week. I did reply to that, only to say that I hoped he appreciated integrity enough not be offended when I said he should know where to stick that idea! Also, that I would rather she saved it up and paid me in one go. Personally, I'm not expecting to see any of it and I'm not going to be pursuing it. Especially when she had written that she had been sacked from her new "perfect" job after only two weeks. Hmmm..!
On the back of the envelope, she had written "Its D----. CALL ME - I have so much to tell you!
Anyway, I hurried-on and got the remaining paperwork sorted for her to sign and send-off, then packed it in a big box with the remaining items of her property and a week later, early in the morning I rang her dorbell.
Her son answered and I simply identified myself and said I had a parcel to drop-off, so he let me in the block and I left it on the mail shelf.
When I left the building, he was up at the window, smiling and waving down at me - It was all I could do to wave back and smile.
Things have moved along since I last wrote. I have met the BPD again - Twice!
ReplyDeleteFirst, things have moved along further with New Girl and we are getting much closer now. So she was through to me for the weekend and had met my mother - They got-on very well. So we went out on the Sunday in town to do the things we both enjoy and I mentioned that probably the besp place was somewhere we would meet the BPD but New Girl said she didn't mind if I felt ready to face her, so we went and yes, the BPD was there, whooping it up with her new man and her usual crowd of ardent admirers (plus a few others I've not seen before). She didn't see us at first but then she saw me standing at the bar (I was not drinking alcohol though) and gestured to me that she would soon be over. I'll admit I was shaking like a leaf and a substantial number of the regulars were looking-on to see what would happen!
She came-up behind me and stopped. New Girl stepped back, I turned said hello - she just stared at me, then hugged me firmly and smothered me in kisses. She was then saying how much she had missed me and how good/healthy I was looking and the like. I then introduced her to New Girl and yes, as I expected, the BPD was all over her - it was like she wanted to be her new best friend. I suppose that would validate her dumping me somehow?
We declined her invitation to sit with them and remained at the bar, talking and catching-up with other people I'd not seen since the split. Her new man came over and greeted me politely. It was strange to look over to see the BPD and her new man. Her over the top displays of affection, attention getting behaviour, flirting with other guys etc - All that she used to do with me to create that up-down rollercoaster of affection/attraction/concern/pleasure. It was so obvious it was not right especially when contrasted with the easy, kind, trusting, friendly/caring but not over the top affection of New Girl. It was so obvious something was wrong with her constant demand for attention/validation/adoration.
Meanwhile, New Girl was noting that every time my back was turned, the BPD was watching me/us like a hawk!
I then noticed two things. One was that she was wearing a ring I'd given her but that she had left at mine - It was amongst the property I'd returned to her two days earlier. Then she pulled out her hat. Which was the one she had parked in the back window of my car when we got together and had been sitting in a box in my lobby till I returned it with the rest of the property. I'd always said that when I got rid of that hat, I would be well and truly done with her!
So after an hour we left. That was enough. I felt it had to be done, I could now reclaim a part of my life at home again. Only paused to say a brief goodbye
A week later and New Girl comes through again. So we go to the same place on Sunday, this time planning to spend more time and get into the activities. I also let the BPD know we are coming. There had been no other communication in between.
ReplyDeleteSo when we arrive, we find the place busy, BPD and her crowd are all there but she and her new guy are very very drunk (I'm still staying sober!). We take a place at the bar but straight away the BPD latches on to us. She was quite innappropriate from the start - holding my wrist, running her hand up and down my arm, pushing/rubbing herself against me as she talked, asking me to help her with her new man (err NO!), then turning to say I should "get with" New Girl ASAP but then pushing-up to me and saying "We had EVERYTHING together didn't we?" Straight-up mindf*ck! Then she was saying similar things to New Girl except that she was portraying our past relationship as only an occasional drunken thing.
The BPD then returned to her man and continued the same attention seeking behaviour as the previous week - except in a much more highly sexualised manner. We gladly left them to it and had a good time ourselves, quietly slipping out before the end without saying a goodbye. I doubt they would have noticed.
This time, I had no trepidation and the whole thing was easier. Hopefully this will continue till I feel nothing at all.
Polarvoid,
ReplyDeleteI too have an experience with my BPD regarding money. During our time together she was lamenting her old boyfriend pulled money frome her that she had deposited at a travel agency to take her daughters to Hawaii.
She proclaimed she would pay it back but hasn't. I even have it in writing. At this time I have sued her for it and she is about to enter into a debtors examination that will push her over the top. I am already painted black and being 7 weeks out don't really give a rats ass.
But i do know that BPD'ers do crazy shit and often paint themselves into a corner financially and otherwise. She runs an unlicensed day care center and could lose her ability to do that when the court exam comes up.
I don't care one bit in the least and actually am looking forward to see her squirm under questioning from my attorney.
I say just desserts and i don't give a rats ass if she loses everything in the wake of this action.
Hi G - Yes, I have similar repeated reassurances from my BPD by text and she restated it in her letter. I have more or less written it off though, if she pays me back, fine. However any chance of getting the money soon would mean her new man paying it for her and I'm not having that! I'll earn it back myself soon enough. It was her share of the holiday we took in May - she had actually paid me but during her split early in the year, she demanded I return the money, so she could take her boy on holiday. I complied but didn't cancel the trip - I'd decided to go myself anyway and TBH, I was already applying BPD rules to her, so I did expect her to come back. Of course she then quit her well-paying job just before we left, which barely left her enough money for the trip, so I did sub her a bit, that is counted too. She came back to a new job but lost that one after another BPD-related outburst after only a few weeks. Needless to say, her lad has not had any holiday that I know-of since.
ReplyDeleteHer financial instabillity had in the past been countered by her working in an industry where she could make large amounts of money quickly via short bursts of near constant working. Her boy would more or less live with her parents at those times. Which then left plenty of time to act-out her BPD before taking another contract. It was kind of a normal way of working in that industry in her home town and I suppose the instability of demand-related work suited her BPD perfectly? The more I think back to what I know of her past, I can see how this could carry her through the times she was acting-up.
When we got together this time, she was working in another line altogether which although more stable, also offered short periods of greatly increased income when the work was there and again, her BPD charm ensured she was first in line for the extra hours.
Last I heard, she was again talking about going back to self-employed, so it wouldn't surprise me if she went for occasional jobs in her old line - There are several similar firms here.
Oh and I'm probably going to see her again this week. A friend of ours from out time together has died and we will be going to the funeral - Although I have made it clear I am not taking her and only going to the service, not the reception after.
The funeral passed without significant upset. I suppose I was lucky in that I arrived late and saw another friend outside the chapel. The BPD had expected me to sit with her and her new man but to their surprise, I was whisked past on the arm of easily the best looking woman in the place! Although my friend and I go back a long way, the BPD barely knew her - I think they only met once, when the BPD was very drunk. He, having only met New Girl a couple of weeks before, looked totally nonplussed.
ReplyDeleteAfter the service, she did seek us out and talked for a little while. Again, I remained polite and stayed right away from any difficult things. I noticed two things - Again she was wearing that ring and that the pair of them have both lost weight. Which is worrying, as she is very thin to begin with and weight loss has gone hand in hand with her more extreme psych episodes in the past. He can afford to lose a bit of weight however but I had to remember that the stresses of being with the BPD had caused me to lose a fair bit of weight after a few months as well. She also stood very close, and was mor or less staring hard into my eyes the whole time.
A few days later and the BPD started phoning me again, four or five times before I replied by text. She was looking for people to go out with and was casting around to see if New Girl and I were in town that weekend. She also offered to bring the remaining items of my property with her if I went to the usual place on Sunday. That can wait till another time.
She also seems to have started getting stoned again, which kind of makes a mockery of her new "clean living" life etc. Not that I encouraged it when we were together and I somehow don't think it is part of her new man's lifestyle either. Hmmm...!
Well, did it all get hairy this weekend!
ReplyDeleteNew Girl and her friend were through for the weekend and we went for a night out.
We were in one pub, watching the entertainment when the BPD and her new man appeared, both very drunk. We said our respective polite hellos and left them to it - After a while, New Girl and I decided to move-on to a place next door but her friend decided to stay and watch the end of the set then join us later. She never appeared and when I went back into the first pub, there was no sign of her, the BPD or her man. Not unduly disturbed, New Girl and I went home.
Shortly after I start getting text after text off the BPD. She had invited our friend back with them and was clearly probing her for as much info as possible - Not in a good way either, she was accusing me of all sorts of things, mainly centered-on having both of them on the go at the same time and that I was leaving the friend in a confused and distraught state and as a "true friend" the BPD was helping her to sort herself out etc. Anyway, she displayed a full-on minor splitting episode to New Girl, in real time and she saw every message and helped in the replies. After a while, the BPD split back and became much more civil and amenable.
The next morning, I went round and picked up our friend, without entering the flat and we got the rest of the story. It appears that as soon as we left, the BPD was straight-on to her, more or less following her about the place, turning-on the charm and demanding to know everything about New Girl and I! She continued to probe and produce drink all the time. The BPD also gave her version of our relationship and of course managed to stick the knife-in constantly. Her inviting the friend back to her flat also caused a fair-old row with her new man, who was naturally not at all happy with this arrangement.
Anyway, the result of the weekend is that New Girl has now seen and understood what I've had to put-up with and if anything, the experience has brought us to our closest point yet.
And it gets worse!
ReplyDeleteThe BPD has split her new man for the first time. The poor guy didn't know what hit him and of course, she split straight back to me.
Briefly, I was waiting for New Girl to arrive at the station when I started getting rext after text off the BPD. Culminating in one that said "I love you B---- I want to marry you!" Well, New Girl arrived and I told her what was going-on and the state the BPD had got herself into - She was in her flat, constantly rowing with her new guy, who was unfit to drive to his home. So she said it would be ok if she came to join us.
The BPD took a taxi down and we hit the town - I must say, this was the wildest most fun night out I have had in a very long time but from the beginning, New Girl and I were quite straight with her, we would do this evening as friends and put all relationship issues behind us FTM. Allthough this didn't stop the BPD from pulling me into a quiet corner at one point for a quick snog. I must say it was like kissing a tombstone, I'm so glad my feelings have moved-on from her!
Anyway, by the end of the night it became clear the BPD had nowhere to go, so we all returned to mine where we continued to party. Thankfully New Girl and BPD got-on very well and I found myself in the truly bizzare situation of sitting in a chair, facing the pair of them cuddled-up on the couch like new best friends - and mostly discussing me. Great! By about five in the morning, it was becoming obvious that the BPD was splitting back to her new man, so fine and by seven, she was packed her off in a taxi and we could get some sleep.
The number one thing I learned is to trust my intuition. I was right about everything.
ReplyDeleteThings have been going quite nicely since the BPD's last splitting episode.
ReplyDeleteBPD and I had resumed some sort of normal, civil contact and one evening I even visited her for a couple of hours for a coffee and a chat - And her new man knew about it fully.
It seems they have also both taken steps to cut down on their drinking and the more instability inducing aspects of their social life, so hopefully they can make a go of it.
However, at the end of last week, the BPD came on the phone to me at about 10pm one night and chatted amiably for a short time, after which I went to bed. Then I was awakened at about 1:30am by her calling again - this time in a different mood and she then proceeded to bitch at me continually for the next two hours. Again about all aspects of our relationship, my mother, New Girl and I. Again trying to demean everything I was to her and what we once had. Along the way she even invited me up for a fight! In the end, I told her to "grow-up and live with her choices" and hing-up. Apart from a bitchy text message the next day telling me she was very "happy" with her choices, I heard no more till Saturday morning when she came back-on all sweetness and light, talking about the snowy conditions, clearing ice and a few jokes about detering unwelcome visitors.
Just like the split never happened....!
And this weekend, we had another splitting episode.
ReplyDeleteNew Girl and I were out on Friday night and on entering the last pub, I spotted the BPD and her new man dancing, so on the way past, I tapped her arm and said hi. Immediately, she stopped, hugged me, then started hugging New Girl furiously, whilst her new man an I just put our arms across each others shoulders and looked-on - She was obviously very pleased to see her, maybe validation again?
Anyway, I got the drinks and we chatted for a while, before she went to dance with New Girl, then I danced with the BPD, which was kind of fun again. I saw her new man looking-on, maybe concerned so after that dance, we made our excuses, finished our drinks and went out for a smoke. On return, we took a space in a different part of the bar and left them to each other. All seemed fine. A while later, the BPD came over to chat a bit more, asked what we were planning for Christmas, New Year etc then went back to her man. A while later as we were getting ready to leave, she returned and told us straight out that they had just finished. We wished her strength and got out of there fast!
A while later, we were back home and I got this mesage:
"Hey its me soz RU makin love?!! OMG I don't know what to say I love F---- & don't want to hurt her, if it dosent work out I'm here. M--- has gone I cannot be with someone who dosen't trust me but he really let me see his true colours tonight & let me see how much I love you & I can't lose you I love you so much you mad bastard cant live without you in my life. I wanna do all the stuff we planned & have all the fun you have please forgive me I now know who I should be with in my life xxx Ain't gonna change my mind not this time took me a few tries but I've got there in the end U do my head-in but UR for me for lifeXXX"
Hmm..... For a moment, I admit that a small part of me thought this was it and leapt. However, I replied that she should hang-fire and I'd call her the next day.
Shortly after, I got a call from her new man, short and to the point - "You've won mate, she's yours now"
So the next day, I called and went to see her - Her first words were, "When I wrote that message, I meant every word, totally" Of course now, she was splitting back to her new man, who it turns out was in a nearby bar getting rather drunk. So I joined him for a drink and we had a chat about a number of things about the BPD. This time I didn't try to get him into discussion about her condition, just talked about some of her behaviousr and other things, plus a bit more about each other. I now really like the guy and I feel very sorry for the position he is now in.
Anyway, we saw them briefly this afternoon and they seem back on again. Till the next split anyway.
I understand that the "no contact" thing is healthiest, but how do you do it without going insane? It has been one week since he left and the first couple of days I was calling him but it didn't go over well. I said, "I miss you," and he replied, "Sure you do. Make any progress yet?" I said not really and he hung up on me. After that I couldn't resist emailing him everyday to tell him what I am going through and I got a couple responses that were angry lyrics or just a few brief words. He did give me his word that he wouldn't be talking to or seeing anyone else, but can I trust him? If I saw this situation occurring, as an outsider, I would say I am acting very desperately, but it is killing me not knowing what he is doing. Plus, all of his stuff is still at my apartment and I haven't been able to stay there since he left because it feels so creepy and lonely. Everyone else here seems so much stronger than me!
ReplyDeleteEarly days Em, early days.......
ReplyDeleteIt is very hard EM. And it took me a long time and several instances of hoovering back before I was ready and able to implement it fully.
ReplyDeleteWhat helped me a lot was the information I'd read here, in the various textbooks and on other sites. I have a folder with lot of bookmarks and printouts that remind me of the most salient points of BPD and why I needed to do this and stick to it. I came back to them regularly, every time I felt the overwhelming desire to contact her. I still need to occasionally.
Hi, I realize this an old post, but was searching for some answers online. I recently ended a 24 year friendship (my "best" friend, we were like sisters) with someone that I believe has this. I am glad to hear that you think no contact is the best. The reason I cut off all contact was because I realized that any contact would just fuel the flames of the drama, and that was what I was trying to escape. Since that point, this person has found ways to contact me (even though I have blocked her from my cell phone, email, facebook, etc.....), and she has contacted my mother. I have not responded to any of that contact. Her husband and parents have both contacted me as well. The recent contact from her parents was very upsetting to me as they glossed over all the pain she has caused me for years, even though in the past, they have had no problem calling me and expecting me to drop everything and rescue her. I get that they are probably furious that I am no longer willing to play this game with them and try and "fix" my friend. I have just realized I am no longer willing to be in this relationship that is sick and screwed up for me no matter the price. Though I probably shouldn't have, the email from her parents really got to me and I did respond to them. I am very angry at myself for doing so, but there are times in your life when you are provoked to defend yourself. I told them I will not respond to any other contact & have blocked their email and phone number as well. I know that people with BPD have issues with abandonment, and I do not want to make my friend worse. Does cutting off all contact with someone who has this increase the likelihood of suicide attempts or violence towards others? I am concerned about both of those things. Thanks for any insight. I will check back to see if there are any responses. I am posting as anonymous bc I know she follows me on Google and I haven't blocked her on here yet. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - In addition to recently being left by a BPD, my lifelong best friend also had (has) BPD. I had to cut off all ties with her shortly before I met my BPD boyfriend, because of the last incident when she called my mom and led her to believe I was a heroin addict and my parents almost hospitalized me against my will. For some reason, that friendship was much easier to terminate than my relationship with my boyfriend. I say that, yet I still think of her daily - but still can't let go of the resentment.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely don't punish yourself for responding to your friend's parents. I have always felt guilty because I was close with my friend's family too, and I am sure they don't think highly of me anymore. It's hard. After I broke it off with her, she dropped out of her classes and blamed it on me and was always cutting herself or "trying to kill herself" on account of what had been done to her. I don't want you to be sucked into being friends with her again because of this, it is clearly manipulative and not your problem.
Thank you to the people above to responded to my post in January. It has been almost 2 months since my BPD boyfriend left me and while I haven't seen him since, I have yet to successfully cut off verbal/written communication. I feel guilty about that. He is the one who left, but today he had the audacity to call my work and ask if we are still together. Now I am feeling guilty for saying no, I don't think we are together. In instances like this, it is so hard not to view him as this helpless little child and feel compelled to comfort him. Based on what I have told my therapist about him, she thinks he actually has antisocial personality disorder with borderline traits, so I am worried he is even more of a lost cause than I thought.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteSo I just got out of a borderline relationship and I can't help but want to be friends with her and be with her through her recovery. A few days ago she had said how she appreciated that I was around to be with her and not leave her alone. She is a recovering BPD and has improved exceptionally since we met. I don't want to leave her alone because I care about and love her. This leaves me very conflicted. I had left to sort out my own issues not realizing the effect it has on her. Seeing it from the POV of "leaving her" alone I feel extremely selfish and guilty. Maybe it'll be better for her to stand on her own, i don't know. The whole situation just makes me incredibly sad. I care about her so much and I would never want to deliberately leave her but it seems like any relationship between us does not stand a chance until I sort out my own personal childhood issues.
Help?
-Derrick