Monday, January 28, 2008

Two Years

Today would have been it. It would have been two years since our first date. Two frigging years.

It sucks because I really thought we were meant for each other. You even used to admit how wacky you were. Then slowly, surely, it was all turned on me and it became my problem.

It was a slow, sure, gradual process. You could make the problems mine. So much so that you would actually make up stories and things to make me bad. Now that's a sickness.

I know that I did my share and played my part. I grew tired and scared of your constant rage. I did anything that I could to keep things on an even keel. Not good of me, looking back. I know why I did it though.

God woman, we were so close, so affectionate, so sexual, so good together on those levels. Why did you have to be so fucking crazy besides this? Why couldn't you just open up and let go?

Right before I moved out, we talked about speaking from your heart. You had such a difficult time saying to me "I don't want you to go." Why? I always spoke to you from my heart...I think that's what you can't understand.

I always spoke from my heart. Always do.

My heart always poured out to you too.

You need someone who makes it all about you. It's funny because in counseling, I discovered that I didn't only pick up my Dad's sword, I also picked up my Grandfather's. When my Grandma would have her bouts of depression, he would have to tell her what to do, where to go, etc. That's what I did with you. I had to tell you what was right and wrong.

I picked up the swords from my childhood. God what heavy weights.

All I can do now is recognize that I carried these swords. I don't want them anymore. You've really screwed my head up, but every day, I get a little better. Life comes back to normal. I have my moments, but overall, life is good.

Tomorrow's Michael's birthday. I get to go and have dinner with him, Kathy and the kids, something I never could have done. Not because of me being bad, but because of your fucking insecurities. I lived a life based on your insecurities, anxiety, jealousy and paranoia.

Two years of great sex. Two years of affection. Two years of that bullshit.

The problem is that we developed our own way of talking together. I was talking to Chris yesterday and used words and mannerisms that we developed. At first I thought it was with him, but it was with you. That makes me so sad Karen. So fucking sad.

That's what I miss. I miss the good parts of the world that we created. It was our own secret world.

The problem is that our world didn't play well with the rest of the world. We couldn't integrate things socially, professionally, or even from a family perspective. That's where things broke down.

Two years.

Starting tomorrow, things have to change for me. I need to stop thinking so much about you. I need to move on in my thoughts, goals & aspirations and really start living life again. I've mourned you and the relationship that I cherished. God I cherished it.

Happy anniversary sweetheart. I'll always love you and you'll always have a piece of my heart. Unfortunately, I need to put that away now. I'm sorry I wasn't able to climb beyond your issues and keep us together. Everything happens for a reason.


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