Tuesday, February 26, 2008

She'll Never Know

We still periodically trade emails and text messages. I can't call her as she walked out of my life. It's been too much of me pushing back into her life. I won't do it.

In the old world, I would push back into her life after she made some wild accusation, but I won't do that now. I can't do that now. It's not right. I'm not living in the dysfunction anymore.

I used to think that this was her crazy way of pulling me back in. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe I just wanted her to love me so much that I would push back in. I'm not sure. I guess I need more clarity.

This is why they warn you from being with the crazy ones. They turn your world upside down. They emotionally drain you then make you feel like a shell when they're done with you. She was done with me, and she left me to wither after sucking the life out of me. An emotional vampire.

All I ever wanted was goodness for her. I gave her my world, every last bit of it, every piece of it. The sunsets, the everything. She took it and made it ugly.

What a shame. She has to live with that.

The good thing is that I'm feeling better every day. I think being off the no smoking medication is doing a world of good for me (and I'm not smoking to boot). My world's about to come back, I can feel it. It's a good feeling.

Still don't think I'm ready for any full-on relationships, but that's okay. Not now. More me time to sort the world out. It is getting brighter most every day though.

It's been nearly three months since I have seen her. Three frigging months. Almost the same since I've spoken to her on the phone. Sometimes, I think I'm going to call her and tell her that I want her to go away with me somewhere and see if she'll go. Sometimes, I think I'm going to tell her we should put everything back together.

I don't do those things. Life with her is over. I used to say to her every night, "good night, my wife." I really thought that she was the one. I overcame her fears by compensating for them and being over the top, but it was ultimately at my expense.

Never again. I can't put myself out there like that ever again. Even when I do meet my wife, I should probably never go that far out there. It's too risky for anyone, isn't it?

These are the things that I need to figure out. What's reasonable and what's not.

In due time, boy, in due time...

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