While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.
We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.
However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.
Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.
Something About Mary
Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:
- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair
- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset
- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was
- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her
- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice
- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house
- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her
- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it
Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.
As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.
Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.
Hey,
ReplyDeletequestion for ya, reading all this, and as a bpd female, I just wanted to say that I do have men attracted to me, and of course it's flattering, but instead of "pursuing" them, I am almost the opposite. This of course just brings out the "chase" in them, the thrill of pursuit. This is really annoying. I do this even if I am interested in the guy. Is it part of the BPD game, and how do I stop this? I think it has to do with low self-esteem. Even if I like the guy and I am not in a relationship with anyone else, I still think that I am not worthy. But then I am torn between wanting to respond to the attention and fear of ...something. Result: apparent hot/cold behaviour that leaves everyone confused! This is not fun.
The problem is that most without BPD will give signals that they are interested in the person, however small or large they may be. They will tell the other how much they like something that they did, they will say they appreciate the other for something and the like. Telling someone that they like another person and showing this affinity for another makes you vulnerable -- something that the BPD does not want to do. Being vulnerable means that you can be hurt and abandoned by the other person - something that someone with self loathing does not want to do, because they feel that they are not worthy and will be rejected. We Nons do get rejected, but we feel good enough about ourselves to pick ourselves back up and continue.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply. There are two items I wish to clarify: 1. Since we BPDs are such competent seducers, you can bet that the guys DO sense the mutual attraction. I will give off subtle clues about this that seem to drive the men crazy. It then puzzles them when I can act so nonchalant at one moment, yet at other times I send out unmistakably flirtatious vibes. This is what I mean about the "BPD game". I know I am doing this, but I can't or won't stop it. Second point, I don't think it is the fear of abandonment that prevents me from committing to an honest return of affection/ attention; I think that rather it is the fear that "I like him right now, but maybe he'll do or say, or wear something really tacky tomorrow that will turn me off so much that I will hate him. I don't know if he is GOOD enough." Bizarre, huh? How can someone with such alleged low self-esteem be such a perfectionist when it comes to selecting men. Guess the challenge for the BPD is to stop the black/white thinking about everyone else. Just because a guy wears a tacky shirt the next day, doesn't mean I have to write him off. I will work on that. But...what if he wears tacky shirts from then on! Then I'll be stuck with a guy who always wears tacky shirts!
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