The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.
The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:
- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world
- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others
- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.
Set Firm Boundaries
If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.
With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."
I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"
She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."
My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."
She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.
I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.
Your Self Worth Is At Stake
The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.
If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.
Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.
Early in the relationship with my suspected BPD I set that very boundary. Cheat = end.
ReplyDeleteI dont think she ever cheated, but im not 100% sure. There were nights when we'd have huge fights and she'd leave and not come home till 2-3 am... There were times when id have to leave town for a few days on business trips. I always called her every night at 9pm. There were a few occasions when she didnt answer.
Seems to me if your husband calls you every night at 9pm, you make an effort to answer your cellphone at that time.... Well unless youre up to something.
I never got an explanation when i returned, Only an "I was sleeping" (At 9pm on a Saturday night)
Not knowing for sure is one of the hardest parts of suspecting that your partner is cheating on you. Even if they are showing all the signs of cheating you still can't know for certain unless you find concrete evidence that something is going on.
ReplyDeletemy BPD partner as far as i know has never cheated on me, but confides intimately in an emotional manner with so many... i honestly dont know. it has twisted me over the years, and i have tried to forgive whenever she has come on the verge of leaving me for other men that realisticly have done nothing for her... mine was sexually abused in childhood, and even went so far as to contact her abuser and trying to confide in him... it truely is maddening, and after awhile you do feel worthless, watching the one you love destroy what you've tried so hard to hold together, throwing any feelings for you out the window on several ocassions. there is the neverending fear that she is doing it again, behind your back... yet you constantly feel like crap for being suspicious, grasping that small hope that things have changed. it is sad that my first love has bpd, my life has changed dramatically because of it, and the emotional damage will take a very long time to heal.
ReplyDeleteI know mine cheated on me... It's just that some of the times, I was told, other times it was a secret. Mostly secret, as the times I was told (with the juicy details pruned down to a comfortable half-truth) were used as a ploy to get me to believe she was honest.
ReplyDeleteShe was very non-communicative, would shut down a serious talk if it didn't go her way, and further on into the relationship became more and more distant, told me less and less about her daily life, had more secrets, and more cheating-type red flags popping up.
Steady downward slope in the relationship... Until one last straw weighed all the red flags in favour of tossing out the EXTREME benefit of the doubt. Finally got to the point where I'd had enough. As soon as I broke up with her, and had a chance to think clearly without manipulation, I realized my sense of reality had been twisted to the point where I wouldn't recognize a lie if it smacked me upside the head. And I wondered, why didn't I leave so many months ago, at the first admitted case of cheating?
I had a relationship with a woman for 7 months,I was not aware of her sickness(BPD, not until I broke with her. I never catch her cheating but my instincts pointed that she was. I left her 4 times and she always came back claiming that nothing happened. But I had my doubts and decided to exit the r/s. I first broke with her emotionally(took me 2 months) one I was strong enought then I broke with her physically and went NC, it has been 2 months and finally I am finally been able to piece me back together.
ReplyDeleteYou know, after dating a BPD on and off again for 6 months, I really think these BPD women need to not be taken seriously. What I mean is that if you date one, do whatever you can to NOT get very attached because, as every BPD story out there ever written, ALWAYS has the non getting hurt.
ReplyDeleteSo why allow yourself to follow in the footsteps of so many others? If she wants to be promiscuous and a lying bitch, then let her - have other women to fall back on.
It sounds cruel but we need to be real with ourselves - I have literally not ever seen a success story about dating a BPD. I have only read about pain.
And I was in pain for the first few months when I had no idea why she was so crazy - then I learned about BPD and she fits the diagnosis to a T and doesn't take meds. So now I have simply backed off and I *try* not to get emotional or start fights because they always end poorly for me (because it's always the non's fault right? lol), and I have other girls I date.
Yea it's cruel but I refuse to be hurt any more from a person with BPD. They all cheat, they're all pretty promiscuous (especially the young ones) so rather than follow the footsteps and be another sad story, I'd rather not let myself get in that position.
Would you leave your partner if he/she developed cancer? Bpd is a serious mental illness, and the cheating is just one of the symptoms... Just as the cutting, the bulimia, the self hate...you seriously think the cheating comes anywhere close to what I with bpd have to live with daily???? U leave me when the going gets rough then stay away...
ReplyDeleteII knew for many years something was up and always fishy.mine would claim it was me doing the cheating wich at the begening it never crossed my mind.my story is the typical she swopes takes your heart mind and body to such alevel that you can't even see straight. At first I met this young beautiful lady in the army I met her one night talked for like 5 hours the next same thing following that movies going out into the woods sitting talking the fifth night boom we go do dinner remove both items that we do not like at the same time find our mothers have the same name.I'm thinking wow this girl is perfect .she has told me that she has young daaughter back home in her home state 3 years old......red flag no1.after the evening we end up at her place the kissing and touching begins and boom the best sex that I could rember to date.all goes well I would see her everyday at time she would be getting to her room as I would after work.or would tell she's a t freinds room ussally amale friend.me blind goes alongwith it.after 2 months of this we move in together.close sex still great but these sighns are starting show up noncommutive fights arguments .once I took cold medcine it put me out wake up she's gone page at the time no answer comes home an hour later we where at a bonfifire didn't hear it.okayyyy...another red flag 7 monts go by nothing out of the ordinarry every now and then Id have to ask about number in the car answer its work related.army you know we had a lot of numbers.we both get out of the military she goes awol because she believes I will leave her..red flag go up north work acouple jobs more arguring vioolence shows up once in a park where I kick her in the butt.go to jail she bails me out I'm sorry both ways kiss and massive make up sex.time goes by we move down to states arguments she shuts down were both selling cars she leaves after work headed home to see. The daughter on a Saturday afternoon .I leave to go the nextday to meet her there and guess how I see on the way there ......so I turn around go home pack my shit and head south.she follows a day later crying I'm sorry but wouldn't admit.the. cylce counties. Through different citys this started in 1997 in 2010 I work 3 4 nights a week away from home she's says she needs a webcam for spanish class hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.she gets it amonth I come home after traveling her and the kids are gone takes me a week or 2 of investgating I find 40 pictures on photobucket her in nice clothes then lowcut shirts lingere and showin parts of her body.wtf..then find a my space of some jackoff that's 20 years old withpictures of him at my house at my pc with my wife on his lap kissing...but she claims she never had sex with him she only drove 5 states to see him twice bcuz she needed money because I cut her off.she begg a pleaded I forgave for the familys sake never trusting her again she is diagonosed with cervical cancer and hpv ..red flags allover russia here because I didn't give it to her deal with that 6 months everything works ok I'm her rock and savior now I'm sorry for the past..lol okcomes to present her mom get diagnosed with lung cancer a month to live me and the kkids send her to take care of her momwe plan to move back to state after the passsing and kids are on spring break.we get 5 days from moving she tells us to stay well me I say I'm brining the kids let thembfinish school by bthen ill have a place for. Me and them.come to find she datngsome jackass she plays poker withfor two months and there in love.....funny 15 years for two months and not seen the kids in 3 months now and has not send a dimein 3 months all about the new victim of this BPD good luck to both of them
ReplyDeleteAfter 5 years of being in a highly volatile and unstable relationship with my bf, who would regularly preach to me about being loyal and sincere and the importance of trust, i began to discover holes in his stories and his behaviour towards me had changed. I asked him to be honest and forced him to reveal that he had recently cheated. I still feel sick thinking about this, the more I read about BPD, the more sense everything makes. I am so confused. I don't know the extent of his cheating and if i knew the truth, i probably am not strong enough to cope with it. After telling me he has not apologised or shown a single sign of remorse. I am so sad as I thought at least even as a friend, he would feel bad/apologise after 5 years of knowing me. But nothing. Yet still it is so hard to come to terms with this.
ReplyDeleteWe do not all cheat.
ReplyDeleteWe are not all promiscuous.
I'm 27 and have been with 6 ppl.
Have u read about their pain?
How we are 400 times more likely to die then anyone else by suicide.
Do more research cause uve put ur own past experience on a label that doesn't deserve it at all.
I first developed my bpd when my sister was trying to strangle me to death at 6 years old.