I've thought about this quite a bit since then, and given my experience. There are times when we feel pain, such deep emotional pain. It often feels like we're never going to get through it. When we lose a loved one from illness. When we divorce. When a relationship ends. When someone who is close to you does something that hurts so much that you don't think you could ever forgive them.
Does time heal these wounds? Do you ever forgive the person, or do you completely shut the person out of your life, never letting them back in?
If you commit yourself to healing and growing from the wound, then time should heal it. You should be able to go through the healing process, grieving the loss then actually dealing with it.
Forgive
Forgiveness is also a part of the process. Eventually, you should forgive the person who has hurt you. In relationships where I feel that I had left wounds opened, I have asked for forgiveness. Without this, we need to close parts of our world out, which is dysfunctional and not normal.
With all of this said, there are a couple of important points to be made here. First, even though you forgive someone does not mean that you should go and renew relations or even an acquaintance. The BPD had told me that she could see us being friends after the relationship ended. Frankly, the trust was so violated and what she did was so egregious that I could never trust her again. Given the fact that she has contacted the police about me on several occasions, accusing me of doing things that I never would do, how could I be assured that this wouldn't happen again? Even though I understand why she did what she did and have forgiven her, by no means do I trust her. Re-opening lines of communication would be dangerous to my well-being, so there is no reason at all to do such a thing.
Second, healing is a natural process which takes time. If you try to shortcut this process, you will not be able to fully heal.
I did this by entering a relationship when I was not fully healed from the BPD and the relationship suffered. I thought that the relationship would help me heal or forget about the pain that I had. It didn't -- in some ways, it made the pain worse. I was fortunate to be with a wonderful, patient woman who was willing to fight for the relationship.
They say that healing from a relationship takes one year -- if the relationship was quite dysfunctional (only you can tell that), I'd recommend even longer. You need to re-establish your sense of self, which takes time.
Healing Is A Decision
The only way that you'll heal from your wounds is if you commit to healing from them. You can feel the pain, relive the pain and dwell in the pain, but you must eventually move yourself out of this pain. You must make the decision to heal, and not to dwell in the pain for too long, letting it overcome you. If you do, you'll end up suffering from depression and other stress related illnesses.
Read the earliest posts in this blog -- while they're only two dimensional and don't show the full pain that I was feeling, you'll get an idea about the pain that I was having. I got through that pain by committing to healing. I'm not proud of all of the entries that you read in this blog -- some of them show just how screwed up and lost I was when the relationship ended.
You Will Have Scars
When I was having this discussion whether time heals wounds, one person commented, "some wounds leave scars."
They do leave scars, but scars are fully healed wounds. You can look at the scar and remember what wounded you, how it felt, and how you healed. You have healed from that scar, though. It can't be re-opened - that wound is gone and is now a scar.
Time can help heal any wound, but you must commit to healing it.
I am a 36 year old male Borderline. I am one year into psychoanalysis - which some people say doesnt work, but i am finding invaluable. I historically have had a massive problem with drugs alcohol and sex when in a relationhsip... I have only just realised the link, but whenever there was any perceived abandonment, I would get drunk, take drugs, and have sex with another girl or a prostitute. The guilt afterwards drove me to near suicide. I dated a girl for 6 years and did this, behind her back more than a hundred times. Eventually she got tired of me and I told her what I had done. The release of guilt was a turning oint for me, and since then (5 years ago) I have had two relationships, both of which have worked much better as I am always 100% honest. I am currently expecting my first child, and although the panic arises in me often, I seem to be able to see it fir what it is, simply panic, and am not acting out to relieve it. I do though sympathise with you, and also with your borderline ex. It is a terribly painful illness to both have and to be associated with - perhaps though, more painful to be the sufferer. I can assure you that in the end you will be happy, it sounds like you are a lovely bloke. She though may never find happiness, and live her whole life hurting those she loves. If it makes you feel any better, which it probably wont, the fact she hurt you so much meant she loved you a lot. Sad but true. You didnt waste your time on her though, as Im sure there were times when your love got through to her, and if she is anything like me, I bet she cherishes those moments like no other. You should give yourself a pat on the back for doing your best to help a truly wounded soul.
ReplyDeleteThis life is about healing. Healing and creating our personal relationships. Helping others, experience happiness during this journey.
ReplyDeleteBorderline is about creating a path that needs healing, thus leading us blind from our main goal in life.
Although there will always be borderlines. If we would all have ours eyes in the same direction (healing), the world would be a much better place...
My ex (BPD)said to me that it would be fine if he did not love me. As soon as he had strong feelings for me his insecurities would surface aided and abetted by his paranoia to destroy our relationship. No win situation. He has moved on to his next girlfriend/victim while i still feel empty and damaged. They do not love like us NONS therefore they do not hurt as we do. Everything is a quick fix for them. We were one of those fixes. What he did to me was nothing less than criminal. There should be a register with their names on it. It should be stamped on their foreheads,like the warning on a pack of cigarettes BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH .
ReplyDeleteTo the borderline who wrote earlier, I am 6 months out of a 4 year relationship with my bipolar ex boyfriend. He now has a new girlfriend and despises me. I miss him dearly. I wonder if borderlines ever miss their ex even when with a new girl. Do they ever remember the good times or love? It hurts to think that I never mattered....
ReplyDelete