Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.
When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.
Not Reality
This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.
However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.
I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.
The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.
The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.
Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:
- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.
- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.
- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal
- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before
- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)
- Few, if any friends
The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.
The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.
BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.
I think people with borderline have every right to have a relationship or to be cured. if it is only a matter of "the warning flag and never too late to leave", that also sounds paranoid. My suggestion : if you a normal person without weakness, (therefore you must have deep empathy, very humanist, then if you see someone with the symptom, please, please show your best side as a human, find a way for him/her to get help. this is what I call being " normal".
ReplyDeleteMy story relates to a person whom I now consider to have Borderline Personality Disorder.
ReplyDeleteI met this beautiful woman on an online dating site in May 2009. Our first meeting went very well, out for a meal the chemistry was there and we talked all night until the sun came up. Whilst there was a bit of kissing there was no sex which we both agreed was a no no on our first meeting.
Over the next few weeks we got to know each other even better, she had told me that she had been married 3 times and had a few broken relationships between and after the marriages. Each marriage and relationship breakdown had its own sad story of physical, verbal and emotional abuse, the more I heard the more empathetic I became.
Within 6 weeks of us meeting this beautiful woman wanted to move in with me along with her then 15 year old daughter. Naturally I thought that was all too quick and tried to be diplomatic and slow things down a bit one evening in a phone conversation. That is when I first experienced her anger, she accused me of having another woman and not being interested in her. I told her I thought things were moving too fast and we should just let the relationship unfold.
After about 9 months I finally committed to her and it was me that moved 200km to make a life with her. In the 2 years we were together we had broken up on at least 3 occasions for a few weeks at a time. It was her anger that would surface, she would get very animated and start yelling and then storm off over the silliest things. She was for the most part a perfect partner but had trust issues with me accusing me of taking another woman on a motorbike ride, having other women with me whenever I was working away etc which of course was not true. She was also very afraid of me leaving her and was worried that I wouldn't come home one day, I found myself constantly reassuring her that I loved her and would not leave her. I tried in those 2 years to be the best partner I could, trying to provide her with love,financial and emotional security. I would take her out for evening meals, give her flowers for no other reason but to say I love you, I surprised her with gifts and the odd trip away. In the last 6 months of our relationship I could feel she was distancing herself, we had stopped having those meaningful discussions we used to have. She was spending a lot of time on facebook while I would sit and watch TV on my own. I would suggest we do something together but she wasn't interested, there was always an excuse.
After one of our arguments I suggested we see a relationship counselor which she agreed to. We were booked in but had an argument a few days prior and that was it. She broke the relationship off, we never did see the counselor together, but I did go, on 2 occasions. I suppose I was searching for answers as to how the relationship started, unfolded and finally broke down. The end of it all was all so cold as well, even getting txt messages from her saying how she hated me and never wanted to see me again that I made her sick. When I suggested I wanted to see her to talk and say goodbye if that what it was to be I got a phone call from the police saying that she was with them and was threatening an intervention order against me.
My heart just sank, I have never been so hurt in my life and im still trying to get over all of this. My love for this woman and the emotional investment I put into the relationship apparently amounted to nothing.
I feel like helping her if she does have BPD and am feeling sorry for her and for the next man in her life which 6 weeks after our breakup I believe she has already has someone. It is a lesson for me.
Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated
It's simply amazing to me how borderline's act. Looking back, I feel almost stupid at how I missed all the signs. As I research it now, it's like everything she did fits this profile.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, when regular people think mental illness... we think we can spot it. We think the cat lady or homeless guy. It never occurs to us, the smart attractive girl has borderline.
She appeared confident with a good job, but as I got to know her... no friends, messed up family, no sense of who she was, extremely sexual, list of failed relationships, cold, messed up childhood, no sense of empathy for others, so sense of social convention, ... but she had a 'reason' for everything... a reason that made you feel bad for her.
Then one day, I got mad at her for something small, didn't call her for a few days. Oh lord... all hell breaks loose. She just cuts off me and everyone I know. When I called her, it was like talking to a different person. Like in the movies when someone has split personality.
I tried for a week to find out what the happened.. but nothing. Eventually, I find out she moved on to another guy... pretty much right away. And she's behaving like a totally different person with this guy... I think matching what he wants her to be. She's a really pretty girl too... and this is like a two bit hick (no offense to hicks ).
In as much as I would like to help her.. and I tried for a few weeks, you realize you can't. It actually puts your life at risk. Better to just leave it to them and their families.
Think of it this way. Their families have known them for decades. I'm sure they've tried to help them. What are you to them and what more can you try that they haven't?
Forget em, count your blessings it ended, and be done.
I was diagnosed with BPD at age 16 and reading your blog, I found some truths in them but there are quite a fair bit of unfair judgments made about us.
ReplyDeleteFor example: "Police coming, someone getting arrested, trials". Let me put it out there, I do not have any records of that. Another one: While I do agree that we can be rather tough to be with, I must highlight this: Not all BPD are unfaithful partners because of our "extreme sexuality" and not all of us are "manipulative" or even "lack empathy towards others". Remember, we are also human, you cannot generalize us. Most people tend to pass off an unfaithful partner because they're BPD and even BPD themselves tend to blame their unfaithfulness on BPD - the illness. My psychiatrist once told me that I am a living proof that a BPD can be a faithful partner. I have never cheated on any of my then-boyfriends. I dare say, my relationships did not work out due to other factors such as clingyness, uncontrollable jealousy, anger and yes, like you've pointed out in your posts - accusations. I'm guilty as charged and yes, thinking about it now, it can be tiresome for my then-partner to keep reassuring me over and over again.
I feel sad that in you find it is better for one to leave the BPD. If you think that we BPD lack empathy towards others, then you as a normal person should have the empathy to stick with them and help them get better instead of leaving them and anyone who has been with a BPD will know how much we BPD hate to be abandoned.
Perhaps you've met some really horrible ones and damn them for giving the rest of us a bad reputation but we CAN be faithful partners.
As of now, I am a recovering BPD, trying my best to work on my self-image and I have not SI in 2 years (I hope it stays that way for a long time). I hope that in your future blog posts, instead of constantly harping on how bad we BPD are, why not give some advice on how to help us, why we do what we do, why we think what we think and help those in a relationship with a BPD to make their relationship work. It isn't just hard for the NON to make it work but also for us BPD as well - it is very hard for us to establish a stable relationship.
Be careful when this "great" new guy/girl pampers you with lots of messages, telling you you were the one they were waiting for etc. The thing is they are quite fast showing "love" but before you know it, you'll face another person under their "oh so sweet and caring" mask.
ReplyDeleteThis guy I dated for almost a year was also overly jealous and controlling, claiming he always was loyal and expected the same in return, which sadly to say I already was, and then I caught millions of messages sent to hundreds of girls behind my back!!!-I happened to get access to his online dating profile. I still cannot believe all those copy-paste like messages, trying to shag every person with a vagina. Not even one preference.
Look out if you ever meet someone who tells you you're the one right away!!!And without looking back, just run!
I met my wife in 2001 at a bar. We had incredible sex that night. We continued to have that kind of sex until a few months after we married in 2005. She stated that now she felt safe enough to say no to sex when she did not want it. I have a very very high libido even now at age 38. About six months ago I said I feel like she tricked me into loving her, marrying her with all the sex. Granted she is fascinating and interesting. She said she did trick me, but had some reason why it was ok.
ReplyDeleteShe is overall high functioning, but still is very self centered. She acts like she is not, but she will do what she wants and will specifically not do what I ask.
The house is a mess I am primarily concerned with the kitchen. We have two little children and I don't want them growing up in a messy house.
I try to do what I can, but I cannot do it all. If I ask her to chip in more, she claims that she spends all her time caring for the children and has nothing left. But, if she comes home early from work she will sit in the dirty kitchen and surf facebook.
She often claims I am being sexist in that I expect her to do traditional female work.
We live pretty thrifty. I do all the plumbing, carpentry, car repair, lawn care, snow removal and landscaping. When I say I maow the lawn, maybe you should do this. She says I would love to mow the lawn. My fear is that she might accidentally hurt herself. I know it seems silly, but she is distracted and I'm afraid she will cut her foot off or something.
She seems to lack common sense and when I draw attention to it she claims I am being cruel. Examples include: putting the very shapr knives in the utensil rack of the dishwasher pointy side up, leaving the very sharpest knife on the counter where little four year old hands can reach it, placing broken glass in the garbage can with the jagged edge protruding, she does not take medication for the full term, nor does she give the children the full course, She will often drive the car with obvious issues like rumbling transmission (keep in mind when we met she helped me repair cars and replaced brakes, shocks, and sparkplugs on several occassions) She will drive right over huge potholes all the time even though we both know they case damage to the car. When I ask her she gets very defensive or says she is just so distracted.
We go to therapy and she complains that I leave me my cloths all over when I haven't done that for years.
Why I am stating this here, these are all examples of her being self centered. She will not listen to criticism because she can't halp it. So, if I say don't put the knives pointy side up the kids will get hurt or I will get hurt. She here an indictment and cannot handle it. She turns it around on me and I am the cruel one. I think this is why she doesn't change the behavior. She has a very hard time processing anything as her fault, therefore she rarely corrects these behaviours. We spend time in therapy discussing how I hurt her with my words, not how my requests are reasonable and maybe she should try and not do something again.
She is very critical of me all the time, but cannot handle criticism.
This is day to day life, when in crisis it goes right down the DSM-IV list of symptoms for BPD.
There is so much more I want to gripe about, but that's enough. I just needed to get that out.