BPD Relationship Recovery: Does it ever conclude?

    It's been so many years since my relationship with the borderline ended -- over 10 years at this point. Over the years, the BPD continues to be involved in my life in many ways, which I will discuss later in this post. You can recover from a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but the person, or those suffering from mental illness, may not ever be completely out of your life.

    There were reasons why you let the person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder come into your life. It may have been the place in life where you were when you met the person. It may be your upbringing, and maybe you were brought up, and therefore quite accepting, with a person who had characteristics that were similar or the same as those suffering from borderline personality disorder. It could possibly be that you were predisposed to join a relationship with someone suffering from BPD because of so many other reasons; most likely a combination of factors as well.

    Over the years since I have been in the relationship with the person who most likely had borderline personality disorder, many things have happened where the borderline was pulled back into my life. She called the police on me and accused me of doing various things. This included sending SPAM emails to her and breaking into her computer, as well as slashing the tires on her vehicle and breaking into her vehicle and slashing the leather on her seat. After speaking with the police and requesting that the police ensure that these accusations never occur again, any accusations stopped.

    The borderline continues to inject herself into life in various ways. My wife and stepdaughter saw her at a restaurant as the borderline sat almost next to them a couple of years ago. I was traveling and received a picture of the borderline, asking if this was her. Yep, it sure was. She had aged significantly (I have aged too, however, borderlines often look quite jagged as their stresses age them), appeared to have had some type of plastic surgery like botox or something, and continued to have anxiety, based on the conversation that my wife could hear her talking to her friend about. I now think about what I accepted and what I would let the borderline say about me, and I'm amazed. The person that I am now would never let anyone ever accuse me of doing the things that she accused me; I am a man of integrity and would never even think, let alone act, the way that she accused me.

    

Does BPD Relationship Recovery Conclude?

    You can recover from a relationship with a borderline and feel whole again. I personally feel like I live a blessed life, and I am amazed at what an amazing life I'm living. I appreciate my current relationship, my career, my personal and professional relationships, and so much of my life. The relationship with the borderline is part of me, made me into the person that I am today, and will continue to be part of me. I still look back, fondly on the good parts, and as a reminder of what I would never accept again for the bad ones. They were so acute that they stand out and are almost comical, but they still serve as a reminder. 

Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality

This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:

- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.

- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.

- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal

- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before

- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)

- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair

- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset

- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was

- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her

- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice

- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house

- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her

- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.

My Kids and The BPD

When you're in a relationship with a BPD, you know that things are strange. You don't realize how out-of-whack it is until you hear from your children, years later, about what the BPD was telling them:

"She [the BPD] said that you were cheating on her with another woman."

That's where the line is drawn. Say what you want to me. Say something like that to my kid and we're DONE.

I didn't hear this until the BPD and were long over--at least one year over, if not more. If I had known that she had said such things to my kids, things would have changed immediately.

Getting yourself out of these kinds of situations are tough, but you need to draw the line. When I heard this, I was furious. Absolutely furious.

The BPD said one time that my kids are a bunch of mental patients. They're not -- they're actually quite well-adjusted and are top-of-their class in terms of academics and intelligence.

It doesn't matter. She said that about my kids. I loved on her kids like there was no tomorrow, overcompensating for the girls' losing their father and unstable mother.

The BPD had a good relationship overall with the kids. They liked her overall, she interacted well with them, but she clearly had times where she stepped over lines that she should not. Again, such as shame.

Be careful of Borderlines and stepping over these boundaries. Have clear boundaries; if the BPD in your life steps over them, have actions that you are willing to take in response to this.

My kids know that the BPD had issues -- they know the 'crazy eyes'. Ironically, since my youngest daughter was about two, we used to say to her "give me crazy eyes" and she could make the wild-eyed look that they have.

Now that she's ten, she has stopped having that ability.

Her eyes can only be normal now.

The BPD's Sister -- Family Illness?

My son saw the BPD's sister last week. He was playing soccer and his soccer team faced a team that the BPD's nephew plays on. Her sister was at the game with her husband.

They seemed like a nice couple overall, both of them having advanced degrees and a successful business that they owned. The BPD always told me that her sister's husband had large issues, and her sister grew tired of issues sometimes. Their children were very nice.

When I first started dating the BPD, she was the one that reassured the BPD that I was, in fact, a good guy. When the BPD would freak out about some issue and make something out of nothing, the BPD's sister would reassure her that her issue was minimal.

In fact, she (the BPD) told me that she would raise many issues to her entire family and get support from each of them. Strange, but I had never thought about this before. She essentially made me the object of her anxiety, tension and insecurities, then would bring the problem to her family. They would collectively judge the action and provide their verdict, through her and the family's eyes, of course.

When times were good, I was good in their eyes. As we had our issues and the BPD provided them with distorted stories, I became bad in their eyes. It was sad, but I became the bad guy. They backed her up, but I was still the bad guy. Makes me sad, looking back. I tried so hard with her, and she was able to make me bad.

Back to her sister and her family. My son said to me, "Dad, she has crazy eyes too." Thinking about it, she did.

Now, is BPD a family illness? Is the anxiety passed down through the generations? Did the BPD's mother pass her trauma on to her daughters?

Probably the anxiety was passed along, and the family dysfunction was definitely passed along. However, she probably didn't have the environment that the BPD had fostered to become borderline.

In the end, it's tough to tell. Highly dysfunctional families foster mental illness, particularly borderlines and other diseases. However, they don't pass the illness to all family members.

UPDATE: Saw The BPD

I hadn't thought about this until recently, but it's been on my mind for a number of reasons. I recently saw the BPD. I saw her. It was strange, real strange.

I had my two boys with me and we were trying to eat something -- quickly -- before they had to go to Youth Group at the church. We walked into an Italian restaurant, then walked out becuase we didn't want to eat there. So, we were pulling out, when we saw her get out of her truck with her nephew. Her sister-in-law got out of another vehicle and the three were walking into the local supermarket.

We drove around the three of them, being sure that they couldn't see us, then we left. It was strange -- real strange.

When you're in a dysfunctional relationship with a borderline that ended like it did, what do you do?

The best thing to do based on what I've heard from others' experiences is to avoid, avoid, avoid the situation. What good will it do?

- This woman, at the end of the relationship, told me that she would call the police if I went to her house to see her.

- This woman, at the end of the relationship, contacted a counselor that we both had seen and said that she was feeling like her safety was threatened

This woman, six after the relationship had terminated, contacted the police and accused me of sending her emails and putting pictures of myself and my family on her web photo gallery.

If anything, any interaction with this woman could end in hostility, accusations and more. For what? Because I would hope to get some kind of apology, acknowledgement of her wrongdoings, or something?

That's not going to happen. She thinks that she's been wronged. She believes it.

I had thought that she was in town because her nephew was graduating from high school. I now think that her deceased husband's father passed away and she was in town for the Memorial Service. This happened three months ago, but I hadn't thought too much about it. My girlfriend and I were talking about it recently and I thought about it.

I'm happy that I didn't have to see the BPD face-to-face and actually speak with her. Don't know what I'd say or if she would later accuse me of stalking her or something. My girlfriend said to me that I will probably run into her and I had better be prepared, but I will most likely avoid this run-in at all costs.

I was taught to think win-win in the world -- running into the BPD would be a no-win situation. I wouldn't get the apology, acknowledgement of wrongdoing or any other thing that would make me feel better about the situation, so it would just have the opportunity for trouble.

9/11

September 11 is always tough. I watched the towers burn from across the river in New Jersey. Watched them burn, then watched them come down. In the town I was living, we lost 8 people, all of which worked for Cantor Fitzgerald.

I was driving in the car right after the first plane hit and while the second one did. I remember it so vividly, it amazes me. The smell of smoke lingered in the air for weeks, and the United States will never be the same.

Like they say, we will always remember 9/11.

That was long before I was in the relationship with the BPD. I was married, very unhappily, and pretty sure that my now ex wife was cheating on me. It was eating me up, and I felt terrible. Life was terrible.

It took me two more years to finally break the chains with my ex wife and separate from her; she was not borderline but had been abused by her school janitor as a 12-year-old. She matured very little from that point. Given the fact that her mother had suffered the same kind of abuse (but worse), she was wrought with negativity, close mindedness and being judgemental. Not my kind of person.

It took me many years to get over the divorce, and this is probably why I entered into a relationship with the BPD. The level of adoration from a BPD is so counter to what I received when I was married. The complete opposite.

I needed that level of adoration from someone. I needed to be pumped up and adored. I was wounded and sore, and I needed someone who appreciated me.

The problem is that the adoration was combined with being told how bad I was and having to prove my worth and trustworthiness. Ultimately, an unacceptable combination.

9/11 will always be a day that we remember. We cannot ever forget all the people that gave their lives that day. There were many firefighters that died, but many white collar professionals and workers that were just at work and perished for this country.

It also reminds you how important it is to celebrate freedom and your personal freedoms. If you have a mind that is troubled, make it clean. Make it whole. Keep yourself free from things that mess up your mind; this includes toxic people that mess up your mind. Your mind is too precious an asset to waste.

Cape Cod

As I sit here in the Boston area traveling on business, it brings back memories of the time I spent in Cape Cod with the BPD. We were here during this time of year, as she had to attend a writer's conference on The Cape.

From the very start of the trip, there were problems. When looking for a place to stay on the first night (we left early and needed to find a place to stay on the first night), I was searching for a place on The Internet. The BPD accused me of trying to contact females when I was searching for a room.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said to her.

She wasn't.

I was angry. Quite angry. When does it stop? When does she start acting normal and not make crazy, outrageous accusations?

I told her that I was angry. I was so angry that I insisted that she apologize to me. She refused. We had already packed her SUV for the trip; I was so angry that I took my bags out of the SUV and told her that I wasn't going unless she apologize.

She finally apoligized. I felt it later, though.

We ended up staying in Falmouth, in a rathole of a hotel room. In the middle of the night, there were people fighting outside the room. I barely remember, but I know that the BPD was quite scared. I either went out of the room and told them to leave or called the front desk. I think the police eventually came and arrested some of them.

The next morning, we drove to Woods Hole where we dropped her daughters off, as they were taking the ferry over to Martha's Vineyard so they could spend some time with their grandparents. After we dropped them off, we went to Centerville and had reservations at a motel so she could go to her writer's conference. We checked in, drove around to get a lay of the land, then had a few drinks and relaxed.

Somewhere along the way, she got upset about I don't remember what. She said to me, "I'm going out," and was going to go out and drink some more. She never did go out, but I remember feeling quite a lot of anxiety over her possibly going out and drinking.

The next day was her writer's conference. I don't remember if it was only one day or multiple days, but I remember her going to the conference and coming back a couple of hours later during a break. I was checking my email on the office computer and trying in vain to get internet access in my room. This, of course, freaked the BPD out. She thought that I was doing something on the Internet -- I guess she thought that I was setting up dates for my free time because I had so much of it.

By this point, it was taking me longer and longer to get the BPD out of her rages. I could no longer tell her that I cared about her and would ever do those things to her and be able to make her feel better. Her rages now were regularly coming out, and they would last for hours, even days. Issues were never let go.

Despite this, I convinced the BPD to go to Provincetown at the very end of Cape Cod, and she agreed. I manufactured a new accent, my 'err-uh Cape Cad accent' and used it the entire ride:

Err-uh, I think we need to turn at this round-abowwwt, wat d'ya think Maaaaatha?

We had a nice dinner in Provincetown, then returned to the room. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, the BPD accused me of going to the bathroom and sending text messages. She went as far as telling me that the bathroom didn't smell bad enough for me to go to the bathroom.

Talk about being put under the microscope.

The trip continued like this, the constant turmoil never stopping, constant fighting continuing. It's a shame, because it could have been such a nice trip. I knew that the end was near, and after we returned from this trip, I began looking in earnest for a place of my own to move out.

About one month later, I moved out.

Being back up here during this time of year as the summer begins to cool off reminds me of the trip that we had. Despite all the turmoil, I tried my best to have a good time. It was tough.

The Showdown

We had both seen Valerie separately for about eight months. Sometimes the BPD went to Valerie alone for three hour sessions, sometimes I went to her alone.

We rarely went together.

I had moved out in September 2007 but we had continued to see one another on and off; now that we were not together, the BPD was pushing me away like we did when we were together. However, because we lived apart, I did not have to push through her constant turmoil and get the relationship back to stable.

It seems to me that when we lived together, every day, she would raise an issue that I would have to deal with -- either she thought I was cheating on her, I had lied to her, I had done something to cause her pain. I would then launch an offensive to show her that I didn't do such a thing, that I wouldn't do such a thing, and that I was, in fact, a good guy that only cared about her.

Even thinking about this makes me tired.

So, now that we lived apart, I could not deal with her turmoil every day. Her turmoil required me to often go over there to show her that I cared about her, and there were times that she even said, "don't come over here; if you do, I'll call the police."

What are you supposed to do then? Looking back, I should have bailed long before I did, however, I felt that I had to prove that I was a good guy, and I did such. Until she threatened police.

Back to Valerie. When she and I no longer lived together but still dated, I began to study Borderline Personality Disorder, the signs of a person affected with BPD and how to deal with them. I actually was told by another counselor that the BPD showed major signs of being borderline, so I knew.

Some quick searches on male abuse on the Internet confirmed that she was borderline.

I then went to her and told her that she was borderline. Bad move.

"I'm not borderline, you are," she retorted and then enlisted Valerie's help in proving that I suffered from BPD. She bought books, came to my place with books for those suffering from BPD so I could read it and feel better about myself, and the like.

I had known that she was playing a sick psychological game, but it had just gotten sicker.

So, let me go through the situation now:

- We're living apart

- I've told her that she's borderline and I have plenty of evidence to support this, including her meeting most of the criteria for BPD in the DSM

- She tells me that I am borderline and meet the criteria in the DSM

- The relationship is more rocky than ever; we both continue to see Valerie separately

We agree that we're both going to see Valerie so we can get everything out in the open:

IT'S A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHOWDOWN!

The Showdown

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we both meet in Valerie's office to discuss everything. It was a 9 am meeting. We had stayed together the night before, but we took separate vehicles to the session -- I think that she had to drop her kids off at her sister's before the session.

The session was like no other. She accused me of being borderline, and Valerie literally pulls out the DSM in the session, and we go through it (I think she had accused me of suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder also, so we covered both). One by one, I have to show how I don't have each characteristic. Valerie is saying to the BPD, "you never told me that he worked for one employer for five years," "I never knew that he did that, that's completely normal," and the like.

I felt much better. Whew.

The session lasted over three hours. We talked about all the issues on the table, like the source for all of her insecurities, lack of trust and the like.

Being myself, I didn't push the issues too much, except I wanted them uncovered and discussed. I wasn't pointing fingers, just wanted progress forward.

In the end, after three hours of counseling, mediating, whatever you call it, Valerie says to the BPD, "so we need to schedule a follow-up session to discuss the issues that you have with your father and the control issues that you have with your upbringing."

The BPD looks at Valerie, stands up, and walks out.

I was clear. I didn't have BPD. Or DID or any D.

The BPD was gone.

Damage Control

So, the BPD has now left the office and is God-knows-where. What do you do?

First, let her vent. Then, take her somewhere so you can forget about the situation and have a good time.

We did just that. I let her rant and rave for about an hour, then took her somewhere where we could relax and have a good time. Of course, over the course of the night, she raised many of her issues, which she was becoming aware of:

- Issues with her upbringing and her parents

- Issues with her marriage and other relationships

Of course, she took no responsibility at all, whatsoever. She was always the victim.

The weekend ended up being a real nice one. The next day, we were talking about a number of things, and she said to me, "I've grown so much since I've been with you...you've really helped me learn quite a bit about myself...thank you, I appreciate that."

Those were the reasons that I stayed, I hung on, I kept myself in the relationship. I always thought that she was about to change, about to turn the corner, about to trust, for good. If she could, then all would be well.

I remember riding on the train back to work on the following day, saying to her, "just remember the feeling that you had over the weekend. Remember how you felt, how you felt about us, and don't lose that feeling."

Then....SNAP. It all changed.

Read about the change in an upcoming installment.

Back to Valerie

So, that was the last time that the BPD saw Valerie. In her mind, Valerie became part of the problem; the one that was so good in her eyes was now bad.

As far as I know, the two of them never saw one another again. The BPD was told that they had to work on more issues, and they didn't want to hear that, so Valerie was demonized. In the BPD world, you're either good or bad. Valerie was now bad.

Pretty soon after that, I became bad. Read about that too in an upcoming installment.

Valerie

We started seeing Valerie in April 2007. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. We were first referred to Valerie by Henry, the psychiatrist that I insisted we see. After going to Henry to get the BPD medicated, I ended up medicating myself. After the BPD suggested that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities or schizophrenia), we were referred to Valerie so she could diagnose and treat me.

When we first saw Valerie, I let the BPD talk and explain what she saw. There were parts of me that thought I can't believe that anyone could ever think like this, but there were other parts that began to doubt myself. Am I really dissociating and doing these things to her? Is this really what's happening?

No.

After the first session, we both agreed that I would come back individually for further evaluation. In addition, the BPD would go back individually to Valerie, as there were many issues that Valerie uncovered about the BPD that required more investigation and evaluation.

Things were starting to get verrrrrrry interesting.

Valerie spent time with both of us; after the first session, she told me that she didn't think that I was dissociating at all, but I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-assuredness. That's what BPDs do to you, though; they erode your self-confidence and self-worth.

The BPD spent multiple sessions with Valerie. I spent quite a bit of time with her as well, and I discovered quite a bit about myself. My time with Val actually escallated as the relationship was ending at the end of 2007 and in early 2008. Valerie eventually told me that it was time to go as I had reached a state of contentment.

The BPD spent quite a bit of time with Valerie as the relationship was ending. She and Valerie would regularly have 2 or 2-1/2 hour counseling sessions, which absolutely amazed me.

She sent her to a spiritualist as well, which when I looked back, I always questioned. Today, however, I realize that she sent the BPD to a spiritualist so the BPD could try to feel better in any way possible, including prayer.

Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.

Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.

Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.

While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.

In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.

I did just that.

On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.

"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."

I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.

After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.

So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.

I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."

Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.

She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.

After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.

Once we were in seperate residences, I admitted that I thought that she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Her response? "I don't have BPD, you do." She then embarked on a mission to prove that I was borderline, pulling information from the DSM and everything. She spoke with Valerie about it as well and tried to pin it down on me.

The last time that she saw Valerie was with me two days after Thanksgiving in 2007. We had a three hour session with Valerie where everything came to a head and most things were settled.

In an upcoming post, I'll detail that three hour session, what happened, and how we finished seeing Valerie.

I still have to remind myself that the BPD did the best that she could. In her mind and from her perception, I was the bad guy that did all these terrible things to her. The reality is that I never did those things to her, but her perception won't allow her to understand that. It's a shame, but it's her reality -- her own prison, so to speak. In the end, you need to feel bad for the BPD.

So, look for the story about the final joint session with Valerie real soon. Stay tuned.

My Old Car

I have an old car that I love to drive. It drives wonderfully, when it runs. It gets great fuel economy, and I was hoping that my son would someday drive it.

It's a safe car that runs well.

The problem is that the car is a 1997 and continually has problems. Big problems:

• I was at the beach and the car ruptured an oil line. I had to stop every 20 miles and put more oil into the vehicle
• The car continues to lose power on a regular basis when I go up hills. It's a turbo diesel and multiple mechanics can't figure it out.
• Most recently, the car's sunroof is now leaking

I sit there, always thinking to myself, if I fix this one more thing, the car will run well.

Just one more thing and everything will be fine.

I felt the same way about the borderline. If I do this one more thing, she'll trust me and all will be well.

If I tolerate this one more time of abuse, all will be well and she'll trust me.

Just one more thing and she'll trust me.

I stayed in the relationship from the beginning thinking this and never learned.

My old car is now for sale.

Saint Patrick's Day

After the relationship with the BPD ended, I had little interaction with her. She and I did not communicate because in a Borderline relationship, you cannot have contact with the partner. They will end up accusing you of horrible things that you probably did not do, but nonetheless, it's stressful and risky.

I had just received a bin full of my belongings from the Borderline. She left them, along with a container of Faultless starch, on my porch.

I felt terrible.

I felt angry.

I felt like it was time for me to be a single guy. Spend a night on the town, just hanging out, and being myself. Or, maybe do something else.

Maybe I find Bob.

Finding Bob -- Borderlines' Old Boyfriends Help Fill In The Missing Pieces

Bob was her last major Boyfriend. Bob had dated the BPD for 3 years, according to the BPD. She cheated on her now dead husband with Bob. Had a full-out affair, admitted it and stopped, then went back to the affair around the same time that her husband passed away in a drunk driving car accident.

From what the BPD told me, Bob was a narcissist:

- Bob cheated on her regularly

- Bob was charming and handsome, but mean underneath

- Bob watched pornography regularly and did nasty things to the BPD

- Bob victimized the BPD

- Bob mistreated the BPD

- Bob lied to the BPD regularly

- Bob was married but getting divorced when he was with the BPD

- Bob now has a restraining order from seeing the BPD because of the night they broke up. More about that in the future.

When I met the BPD and began dating her, she told me on the first date that she was victimized by a narcissist. She told me that Bob promised her the world, but just took advantage of her. I felt so bad for her, and I had such compassion for her because of what Bob did to her.

I wanted to find Bob and beat him up.

When the phone rang and she got hang ups, she said that it was Bob calling. So much that I eventually answered the phone so he would know that I was there and she was protected.

When we first moved in together, the BPDs parents told her that they were quite comforted because I would be there to take care of her.

Looking back, she took care of herself just fine. She made herself vulnerable to the world so she could take full advantage of it.

When we first started dating and she would act irrationally, abnormally or just plain crazy, I would tell her that this behavior was not acceptable. At first, it was so outrageous that it was cute, but eventually, I needed to understand the root cause.

The BPD would apologize profusely, telling me that she had been the victim of Bob, the narcissist, and that she had overreacted as a result. After hearing her story, I always felt bad for her, terribly bad, and I would accept her apology.

I would tell her, "Don't do it again."

She'd do it. Again and again.

Eventually, in her mind, I became Bob. Looking back, I think in the beginning, she thought of me poorly and treated me as such, but over time, her image of me as a narcissist strengthened, and she made everything into that. She changed history to fit that image of me, because only really screwed up people could love someone like her, in her mind.

Back to finding Bob. I decided to go out in the town that Bob lived. He was a public official and well-known, and it was the night where the town had its Saint Patrick Day's celebration. The town is a small city so finding him was not easy. I had tried before. a couple of times and could not find him.

I worried that I would have difficulty recognizing him. I had only seen him once, at a bar with the BPD, when she told me that he was there and pointed him out to me.

Oh, by the way, he had a restraining order against the BPD also. She had said that this was standard practice -- both parties have restraining orders against one another when there is an incident. So, he couldn't go near her and neither could she.

So, I went out that night by myself, enjoying myself immensely. I treated myself to sushi, walked around the town, had a couple of drinks, then settled having a few smokes (I was smoking back then -- wonder why) at the cigar bar.

As I'm sitting there, I notice Bob behind me. Holy crap. I recognized this guy right away -- right away -- in a huge crowd.

I went over to him right away and asked to speak with him, taking him to another part of the bar where we could talk privately.

I introduced myself to him, told him that I had been in a relationship with the BPD and told him the current situation. We spent the rest of the evening discussing things:

"Did you ever cheat on her," I queried?

"No, I was always true blue to her," he responded. "I was going to marry her."

Then I asked him a slough of other questions, including the night that they broke up and she told me that he beat her. "She beat me up," he responded. I didn't ask any additional questions about that, but clearly, stories didn't jive.

Then he told me a story about how she was a victim of her now dead husband. He told me that she said that he tried to strangle her, and that she cried to Bob about this.

I remember hearing the story, but it was never like this.

By the end of the night, it was clear that the BPD's stories were just that -- stories. We talked about girls that the BPD had told me that Bob was sleeping with while they were in a relationship, things that she had done while they were together (like sleeping with his best friend), and more.

This woman had wreaked havoc on this poor guy's life. After she was gone, he had ruined his marriage, his career had been impacted, and his friends were impacted.

Typical borderline.

So, there I was, a couple drinks in me, and I had just found everything out -- I had just discovered that all the things that she told me and I believed were lies, and she was merely projecting her lies onto me.

I send her a couple of text messages that night. The first one says, "Bob says hi." This one was in Bob's presence.

She replies, "that's mean."

I reply, "I know the truth now."

She replies, "so do I."

Then, I get ugly. I start sending me messages that say things like, "you cried to Bob that Jeff was an abuser, choking you, then you cry to me about Bob abusing you? You're a big fat f'ing liar."

I forget the rest but a sent her a flurry of messages that continued until about 4 a.m. -- probably about 5 in all, saying things like "you've hurt me so bad and accused me of being a monster when you're the monster. I just want to heal." I woke up early and sent another.

She didn't reply. That was the last time I ever communicated with her.

Since then, she has contacted the counselor that we both saw and told her that she feared for her safety because I hung out with Bob that night. The counselor told me to stay clear of her and that, "she's trying to take you down."

Also, she contacted the police on Father's Day of that year, indicating that I had broken into her online photo account and put pictures of myself online. I spoke with the officer for quite some time, indicating that I did nothing of the sort. We discussed my options -- get a restraining order against her, file harassment charges, or leave it be, and we decided to leave it be.

Borderline breakups are pure drama. Borderline relationships are pure drama. Borderline lives are pure drama -- that's how they get their identity. If you can, steer clear of them -- they'll shorten your lifespan and make your life much more stressful. No fun, long term.

The Last Bin

After we broke up, I always had a hint of trying to get back together with the BPD. I wanted to heal, but if she had come begging back to me and had promised to try to fix herself, I might have considered staying in the relationship.

After all, she and I had been together for nearly 2 years. I didn't want to throw that much history away, and if she could stabilize, I would have considered a reconciliation.

So, we had sent a flurry of text messages and emails back and forth during the early part of March, and of course, there was drama where she accused me of a bunch of things, was downright mean and nasty, then rejected me once again...all in a chain of emails and text messages.

Amazing. The BPD could make you feel terrible without even talking to you. The nice thing was that I didn't have my hopes up high.

I remember that even in our text messages, we were communicating well, then, she turned; it was like you could have snapped your fingers with the way that a Borderline turns on you.

If you're going through this or in a relationship with a Borderline, that's how you can tell that they're truly Borderline -- you could be on great terms and having a great time with them, and in the snap of your fingers, they'll turn on you for a reason that makes no sense to you.

Anyway, back to the story. We had communicated a number of times, but in the end, she once again pushed me away.

I would normally try to pull her back in. I was done. I knew that there was a big world out there, and remaining with her was only going to be detrimental to my well-being.

Take the Band-Aid off, Rhonda said.

I didn't try to get back in.

Thirty minutes later, she tried to pull me back in. She sent me a nearly illegible email telling me how much of a nasty, sick, demented person I really was, and how I was going to rot in Hell or something like that.

I got it now and wasn't falling for it anymore. So I didn't respond.

Man, that must have pissed her off.

I was moving on -- as best that I can. I had started dating, and was talking with a number of people.

I was trying to heal. Trying hard.

Take one day at a time, boy. Do the best that you can. Go to work, contribute, do the best that you can. Put one foot in front of another. Do the right thing.

The week is ending. I pick my kids up and take them back to my place. As I pull up, I notice one of my plastic bins outside my place.

Holy crap. How did that get there?

I bring the bin inside and inspect its contents. It's all things that I had left at the BPDs when I lived with her: my iron, some tools, things I had left in the garage, Christmas ornaments that I had bought for her and my kids, nothing really special.

Except one thing -- a can of spray starch -- called Faultless spray starch.

How poetically ironic. Faultless.

Of course, the BPD would accuse me of being Faultless. I always told her that I was human, that I made mistakes, just not the mistakes that she accused me of making.

Once again, I felt like I was going to cry. I called one of the girls I was dating and told her (she had become a confidante, or so I thought) what had happened and how I felt. She told me that I needed some more time alone, and to call her in around a month.

Wow. Get hit between the eyes then get kicked in the nuts in the same hour. Thanks.

So she had returned everything that was mine. Things were really over.

A part of me was sad.

A part of me was mad. How much mistreatment can one person take?

Not much more. It was my turn to settle the score and show her true nature to others. Time to find the world that she had before me so she would know that I knew.

It was time for the Saint Patrick's Day Celebration.

Next time, learn about Saint Patrick's Day and what happened.

Healing Takes A Long Time

I read through my old posts and I sit here amazed at myself:

I thought that "The chapter was over" over a year ago?

I thought that all would be better and I could just move on after being in a relationship like this?

I thought that the trauma of what occurred in the relationship with the BPD would be over by now?

I thought wrong.

I haven't seen her since December 9, 2007. Two thousand seven. We're going on two years here. Yet she still haunts me. We were only together for a little less than two years.

It's nowhere, I mean nowhere, near what it was like a year ago, but there are times that I still think about her.

I don't really think about the good times. I think about what she did, how I lived through it, and how horrible it truly was. I'm still amazed at a lot of the things, and I can't believe that I stayed in the relationship despite the abuse. That's what a divorce does to you, though. I was still healing from the divorce and didn't want to admit another broken relationship.

The relationship was truly traumatic. The nicest person in the world who is constantly telling you that you're bad, you're doing things that you're not, you're sick and demented, you're twisted, etc., eventually breaks into you. They may not necessarily break you, but they break into you and scar you.

You do have a little post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to get balance back in your life. Be sure to heal fully, and go back to church. I would bet that many that are in relationships with borderlines have lost their spiritual foundation.

I'm still shedding the baggage from the relationship. It will be a little longer, but some day, I'll shed it.

One day at a time, boy. One day at a time.

Did she cheat?

I was recently asked if she cheated on me. Borderlines are known to cheat on their partners quite often.

She probably did cheat on me. There were weekends when we were first dating when she would suddenly be unavailable and not speaking with me, so she probably did, early in the relationship. I remember, early in the relationship, she was feeling insecure and paranoid about me cheating, and she said, "you know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I was usually quite confident and jovial in my approach to the Borderline. This one struck me hard, and I suddenly got serious, stared right at her, and queried, "what did you say?"

She repeated herself.

I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "if you cheat on me, this relationship is over."

She never said or hinted that she would cheat based on her perceptions again. Although she still had her paranoid suspicions, she knew better than to say such things to me.

This is the textbook definition of setting a solid boundary for the BPD. The borderline knew that cheating would not be tolerated, so while she continued to think that I was cheating, she would not cross that boundary, or even test this boundary.

She probably did cheat, early in the relationship, before I set the boundary for her. After the boundary was set, she never would have done such a thing.

In the end, it doesn't matter -- if the relationship is so dysfunctional, you should get out. If she cheats, don't tolerate such poor treatment.

Denise -- A Great Example of BPD Jealousy

I forgot to talk about Denise -- my exBPD's cousin's girlfriend. The BPD thought that I had something for this girl, despite the fact that she was 15 years younger than me and not as attractive as the BPD.

It all started at one of her family reunions. Her cousin and girlfriend (Denise) were staying at the BPD's place. After we spent time with the entire family, they came back and hung out with our clan, always a good time. Except the BPD thought that I had something for her, so in the middle of the night, she starts her accusations:

"You keep asking, 'where's Denise? What's she doing?' WHY DO YOU CARE?"

Ummmm, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

That's not the classic one, though. The following morning, Denise wants to shower. I point her in the direction of the Master Bathroom, give her a towel, and she's taking a shower. Door's closed and she's showering in complete privacy.

After giving Denise the towel, I go into the Master Bedroom Closet to get something. The BPD is on me right away.

"You're stalking Denise. You're waiting for her to get out so you can have a look at her."

Uhhhhh, no, I'm just getting something.

That one was the classic one. She was convinced that i was stalking this girl that was pretty but not as pretty as the BPD, way too young for me, and...well, I think you get the point. She didn't care, though. Somehow I was capable of such a thing.

The following year, the same thing occurred -- her Denise jealousy flared up.

"We're hanging out with Denise all the time...you're making eyes at Denise and hitting on her...you're checking out Denise because she's in a bathing suite..."

Uh, no, no no. Denise and her boyfriend, Frankie, had similar interests and we got along with them. It was a good relationship.

"Take me home now," I told her, "unless you apologize. I'm not taking such treatment. I would never do that to you, and if you think that, then I want you to take me home now."

She apologized.

Denise was brought up in group counseling sessions -- that's how much the BPD really thought that I would hit on a girl that was 22 years old, 15 years younger than me, and the girlfriend of her cousin. BPDs can't fathom that others have boundaries and respect them, because they don't have such boundaries.

That's why it's difficult to trust a BPD. You never know what they're going to do.

Scary. Downright scary that someone can think like that. They can, though.

Where to Go From Here?

I read through my old posts and am amazed at the person I was. So full of fear, so afraid of being left. I know that I'm back to the person that I was before the entire relationship began, probably better because I'm through the divorce as well.

Some things have become evident to me:

• Many times, so many times, I've said that I was healed and was "over" the relationship. Who was I fooling? I'm finally feeling like I'm pretty much over it. I swear! It takes a full year, count it a year, to get over this kind of relationship. Your sense of right and wrong is completely in question
  
• It's an illusion. An absolute illusion. Although you think that the relationship is real, it's not. It's a mirage, I'm sorry to say. That's one of the hardest things for me to accept. I thought I was in a real relationship when, in fact, it was bogus.
  
• You will have baggage. Of course, you can minimize your baggage, but you will have baggage from such a relationship
• With all that said, you can recover from a relationship like this and grow as a result. You can either grow up or let it put you down. 

I had some growing to do, so I did it. Or, I should say, I'm doing it.

So, I have this blog that's well-viewed by readers around the world and hopefully helps others with their issues, trouble and journey. By no means am I a professional. I've simply expressed my thoughts, feelings and events that have occurred with the BPD.

Here's what I'll do:

• Continue to document my thoughts, feelings, happenings, etc on this blog
• I'll also start linking the blog out better to more useful resources
• Recap some of the other events that happened in the relationship:
• Being kicked out
  
• Being kicked out -- again
  
• The private investigator
  
• Denise and the accusations
  
• Constant STD scares
  
• The three hour talk
  

Feel free to post comments asking for what you'd like to see. Please note that I will not reply to posts as this is an anonymous blog and I need to keep it as such.

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

Life Continues to Improve

It's been 10 months since the BPD and I last spoke to one another, when she stormed out of my place, and I didn't give chase. Life has changed quite a bit for me, to say the least. I'd like to say that it has gone back to normal, but it hasn't.

It's gone back to better than normal. My normal has been redefined. Particularly the normal that I had with the BPD, because that wasn't normal. That was dysfunctional.

Looking back, the relationship with the BPD was important to my growth. It was important for me to see true instability and how to navigate away from it. 

Ten months later, she can't come near me now:

- I have a new woman in my life. She's kind, patient, caring, loving, funny, quite attractive, and much more my speed. She's a singer, a mother, a wonderful friend. She supports me like I've never been supported before. I don't think that I was ready for her until now, and that I had to have a relationship with a BPD so I could truly appreciate the new woman.

- I have a new position so she doesn't know where I work. No more calling my office and asking reception, "Is Dennis working today?" then hanging up. 

- I've moved to a place where she has no idea where I live. None. I moved in with my new girlfriend, and she couldn't find me if she wanted to.

With that said, I'm still healing. I'm kidding myself if I don't say that I'm still healing. After being in a relationship with someone inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder for nearly two years, one has to heal so they can have healthy relationships again. They must learn their personal boundaries and exercise them, putting them up firmly for some, then learning to have flexible boundaries. I'm still healing, but it's nearly over. 

The Borderline Personality Addiction

When you spend years with a person afflicted with BPD, you grow addicted. You grow addicted to the highs of the relationship, and you grow addicted to the lows of the relationship. The BPD treats you like a god at times, then treats you as evil other times in their cycle of devaluing and idealizing you. 

Clearly, you love the highs, but you also like the lows as it becomes an opportunity for you to prove your worth. Proving your worth becomes critical when you're in a BPD relationship, as the BPD will constantly devalue you in between their fits of treating you like a God.

When the relationship ends, you want it back so badly that you will now violate boundaries -- the BPDs, your own, whatever -- to get the relationship back. You're now caught in the web of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some have called this, "living the life of a Borderline by proxy," and you really are living like a Borderline. You'll now:

• Call the BPD repeatedly until they pick up. Before you would never do such things. To the BPD, this proves their worth. They don't pick up the phone, and you're desperate to have them talk to you so you can reconnect with them and have them feed you the idealizing that only they can provide
  
• Get upset, jealous, angry about things that never would have bothered you before. Is this really you, or someone who has invaded your body? Look at the BPD, because they occupy your brain now, not you
• Ignore, disown, not pay attention, disregard family and friends to the point of completely cutting them off. One of the key things that BPDs do is isloate you, because if you were well-connected with friends and family, you probably would never have accepted such unacceptable treatment. My Mom used to tell me that she could tell when things were bad with me and the BPD because she wouldn't hear from me for weeks. When things were good, she'd hear from me all the time.
• Feel bad all the time. Maybe you're talking to yourself because you're feeling so bad (I did -- before the relationship ended and afterwards). Maybe you're clenching your teeth (I did for about 6-8 months). Maybe you're crying constantly (I did, particularly after the relationship ended). Believe me, life is fantastic. Stop doing it now.

Personal Growth After the BPD Relationship

The Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery takes time, but you must make sure that you perform all steps:

• Go to counseling and determine why you were in a relationship with a person stricken with BPD. 
• Fix the causes.
• Learn to re-establish clear, healthy boundaries
• If you stopped going to church, go back. If you never went to church, start going. This is critical as the BPD relationship filled a hole in you. It was most likely the "God Shaped Hole" as my Pastor likes to say.
• Re-establish relations with friends and family, if you choose.
• Enjoy life -- it's wonderful when you don't have all of the worries that a BPD puts on you.

The Cycle of Abuse

A counselor that the BPD and I once saw told me that if I stayed in the relationship, that her actions would be considered abusive and would continue to be abusive. Of course, I didn't listen, but that's another story.

Borderlines have a different reality than the normal person, and they have such self-hatred and self-loathing that they do not understand how anyone could care for them and love them. Because of this, they think that the people around them must have something wrong with them, alterior motives, or reason to take advantage of the BPD. This is the basis for how they operate -- they do not want to feel alone, but they cannot fathom how someone would legitimately want to be with them. 

Ultimately, you need to feel bad for the BPD. You can get out of your depression, sadness or whatever you're feeling. The BPD will always feel the way that they do. They will always be unstable. Their fear is that others will discover that they are borderline, so they do whatever they can to hide this, include:

- Take no accountability for anything

- Change reality so they are not responsible and others are responsible

- Accuse others of having BPD and other mental illnesses

When I was with the BPD, I had:

- Narcissism 

- BPD

- Dissociative Identity Disorder

- A compulsive lying problem

- The list goes on

Now, you look at these things and wonder how you could have stayed in the relationship for so long, but it was a slow, gradual process, getting pulled in with the constant idealizing, then being accused of being such a horrible person. The slow process eventually changes your boundaries and tolerance of such inappropriate accusations, actions and the like. 

The most amazing thing about Borderlines is that they look -- and appear -- that they are so well put together.  After all, they have spent years knowing that they viewed life differently, and it takes time to pinpoint the issues and make a decision to go. It took me nearly two years. You've never had life be so good, but you've never had it be so bad either. You cling to the good. When the bad begins to continually outweigh the good, it's time to move on.

Key Learnings

• The BPD took advantage of my own self-doubt. They saw it then preyed on it, playing on my fears. 
  
• The relationship with the BPD was critical to my growth as a person.
• I'm now much more of a man because of the relationship with the BPD. I no longer try to meet other's needs before looking to meet my own. Life is a compromise, not a sacrifice.

Stay tuned. More will be posted in upcoming months. It won't be as regular as before, but as I feel the need to provide updates, I'll provide them. 

Birthday

Today's her birthday. She's 41. Happy birthday.

They say that it takes one year to fully heal from a relationship like this one. You have to go through the anniversaries, the holidays and the birthdays. I understand that.

Actually, the birthdays I spent with her were okay; they weren't wonderful. Last birthday, I got her 40 gifts for her 40th birthday. I know that a 40th birthday is supposed to be a big one, but unfortunately, she had kicked me out two weeks before and I had just moved back in the week before, so I wasn't able to plan any celebration for her. Not only that, she told me that her friends couldn't do anything because it was Mothers' Day weekend.

She made me feel bad anyway for not planning a huge celebration. We went to a local restaurant with her sister, parents (who were in town for her birthday) and kids, and she got drunk. Quite drunk. Her father wanted to talk to me later and tell me that I was an abusive man. My God, look at your daughter for once.

I still wonder how I could have planned a huge celebration when I didn't live with her before her birthday. I think that I moved back in a week before her birthday. Still, I managed to figure out 40 gifts for her that ranged from a golf bag and some special clubs to tickets to see a concert.

It still wasn't enough. Never enough for her. The woman was so selfish and so self-absorbed that it didn't matter what she did to me. All that mattered is what she felt. Her sister didn't plan a huge party. Her parents didn't have an enormous gathering brewing. She didn't kick them out of the house and refuse to communicate with them.

That was me. Yet I endured. I stuck with it. I jumped through hoops, being told that I was an abusive person by her father. And I took it, all in an effort to get her help and help her see.

I thought that she would see the light in time. I thought that a counselor would start treating her. No one ever did.

I now get to shed this baggage. I want it gone. I want the ill feelings gone. I want it all gone.

I never thought I'd say that, but the time has come.

Her birthday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Is was actually quite good. I met up with a group of friends by happenstance and going to see a band play. We couldn't find the bar, actually I couldn't find the bar because I knew where it was. We joked that it was like high school again when you were going to a party, and it really felt like this.

I realized that this is what my new life is like. I don't know what's happening day to day, and it's a life of uncertainty. But that's okay right now. The nice thing is that anything could happen, and it's pretty nice having this feeling right now.

I'm getting comfortable in my new life, and I'm about to make big changes and try to live my dream life. I'm also starting to look around at houses, and church is back in my life. I'm starting to really get it together. Nice feeling. A real nice feeling.

A day that I thought was going to be so tough ended up being okay. That's what I'm shooting for -- okay. Don't need the moon and the stars yet, just need a state of stability.

Now that's cool. The Me Project is working.