Remembering the past.....

This post was written by regular contributor David -- when you read this, you can see how we share similar stories. Happy Birthday David.

Today was my birthday and all I could think about was how the year before I spent it with my ex. We had just gotten back together in December (AGAINST all odds or so I thought), had spent a wonderful New Years together (alone, we couldn't have her friends knowing...), for Christmas I bought us tickets to a concert the day after my birthday so had that to look forward to. All the pain from before was covered by her borderline allure.

Of course within a month there would be signs (like on her birthday at the end of the month) and of course the pressure to commit by moving in together (none of our friends knew or would help that we asked), March move in and by the end of April all hell had come unloose!

Last year we went to a nice wine bar here in the city, my coworker had just been there and we had a nice evening together. I'm sure we went back to her place and had sex. I wanted to spend the rest of life with her. I wondered today why when we were together she always wanted me to stay at her place but when she was with other men (even now) she goes over there, they never (that I know of) are in her bed. I think I'm having hopeful thinking here and need to remind myself of the facts.

Not sure why knowing all this I missed her, on MY birthday! I miss the nuzzle of her against me, her laugh, her kiss, her body and intensity. All I could think of was how she was him now, today when she should have been with me....and on goes the addiction!

A couple responses I posted on another site are a good reminder of how it was this last time (maybe threes the charm to break free?). I tried to copy them here but it would work, plus you'll get to see the context of them.

15 days till I expect contact from her to begin, hence is the pattern over the past two years.

How To Break Up With Someone Who Has BPD

This is probably the toughest thing to do -- break up with a borderline. It's tough for a number of reasons:

1. If you've been in the relationship for a long time, you're addicted -- By nature, those in relationships with Borderlines suffer from an addiction to them. How do you break up with someone that you're addicted to?
2. You're probably also afraid -- BPDs are downright scary people when they're hurt and angry. Who wants to meddle with an angry borderline?
3. Your dreams are changing -- If you're like most that are in a relationship, we thought that our searching and looking for that partner was over. Now we're back out there.

These issues can make breaking up with a borderline impossible for some. It was for me.



Set a Timeline
In fact, I couldn't break up with her. I knew that she was dangerous, but I couldn't get myself away. Finally, the counselor told me to set a timeline if things don't change. I did. On my 37th birthday, I told her, "you have four weeks to get it together." She couldn't do it.

On the fourth week, I told her that I was going to have to move out.

Stick to Your Timeline
What did she do? She fought with me even more. The fighting was so bad that we couldn't really break up because we were too busy fighting and resolving issues. Finally, two weeks after I initially told her that I needed to go, I went and looked at a place to move.

I'll never forget the day that I went and looked at the place. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I don't want you to go."

I felt so bad for her. She seemed so innocent, so harmless. I told her, point blank, that I couldn't stay anymore; it was just too much turmoil and too dangerous for me and the kids. I told her that I would keep trying to put it back together with her, and if we could make it work, I'd move right back in, right away.

Up until the night before I last saw her, I used to say, "that's it. I'm moving back in tomorrow."

I never did.

Protect Yourself -- Be Prepared for The Fallout


A number of things can happen when you finally leave or terminate a relationship with a borderline:

• They could come back to you, pleading for you to re-enter the relationship
  
• They could rage at you, getting violent and trying to hurt you
• They could play the victim and accuse you of hurting them, raping them, terrorizing them, or a multitude of other things where you were cruel to them to friends, family, the authorities or anyone else would listen
• They could play the aggressor and hurt you, terrorize you or do a multitude of other things
• They could admit that they have a problem and be willing to go into counseling
• They could find somebody else that will have a relationship and leave you alone

There may be short term repercussions, and there may be longer term occurrences. It simply depends on the person.

Regardless, be prepared for the fallout. Assume that there will be fallout. These are people that think that you are good or bad -- remember, they think in terms of black and white. This is a gray world, but you're either good or bad, and considering that you just broke up with them, expect rage.

The Actual Breakup

Try to break up with the borderline in a public place. Try to have people around you -- maybe a coffee shop would be a good place so they cannot rage on you in public. Be sure that you tell others where you have gone, and have them call to follow up on you to see how things are going.

Prepare what you will say to the person. Prepare it exactly.

• Try not to be too negative with many 'you' phrases, because if you do, the borderline will respond to all of your 'you' phrases in a defensive manner
  
• Give the borderline the out so they can feel like the breakup is their decision. Saying something like, "you know that we've had real tough times in the past...it's becoming clear that I'm not good for you." Making yourself the bad person in the situation will make the borderline feel much better about the decision and like they are saving face in this situation. They can then tell others, "they just weren't good for me. We talked about it and agreed."
• Make sure that you have someone that you call when everything is over. Be sure to give them instructions to call you in a certain amount of time. 
• I have heard of situations getting quite dangerous during these breakups, so be sure to be as safe as possible. Have someone ready to call the authorities if you fear that the situation could get violent. Agree that if they cannot get in touch with you or do not hear from you in a certain amount of time that they will call the police on your behalf.

Growing Relationship

Breaking up with a borderline is not easy. However, if you feel like the relationship is not progressing in a positive manner, get yourself out. There's no reason to stay. Relationships are meant to grow, not stagnate.

The Borderline Vengeance Switch -- Snap Your Fingers

I recently heard from someone who has BPD tendencies who told me what it's like to be borderline and to feel the intense anxiety. One thing that they mentioned was what they called the Vengeance Switch.

If you've ever been with a borderline, you know what I'm talking about.

It's like you could snap your fingers, and the borderline changes from being this sweet, loving person who cares so much about you to a person that hates you, is so full of anger and rage that they will destroy you.

When you experience the vengeance switch, if you've experienced the vengeance switch, it can be a terrible thing to witness.

My relationship with the BPD saw the vengeance switch occur quite regularly -- every day around 3 pm, she thought that I called her to 'screw with her.' I would end up having 30 to 45 minute conversations in an attempt to make her feel better. The conversation would then continue into the night where we would talk for hours until she felt better. Most every day was like this.

When we were first dating, this switch would occur approximately two hours after we separated and I went back to my home. Like clockwork, her anxiety would reach a point where she would just freak out and call me, accusing me of something, from watching transvestites to having many girlfriends sprinkled all around the country...some of the things were so outrageous that even thinking about them makes me tired.

Borderlines will be borderlines. She needed the drama, the excitement, and all of it. She once told me that her previous boyfriend was a narcissist. She told me that she studied them and that they like living a life that is like a movie, with all the drama. I then learned that borderlines are the most narcissistic of all people.

Bottom line -- she was the narcissist, projecting her feelings onto others.

Back to the Borderline Vengeance Switch. It seems to be quite prevalent for all borderlines, and I think it's because they get so fearful, so much anxiety that it needs an outlet. This switch allows them to get their anxiety out, but unfortunately, they lose control, big time. Their fears all come out, usually in the form of blame and anger on another person.

If you feel the vengeance switch on you, remember, you've done nothing to spark that. It's something within the Borderline that has made that happen. Borderlines cycle, so if it gets too bad, get yourself out of the situation for a while.

As long as you have the right awareness and knowledge of these kinds of events, you have the tools that you need to address them and, at least, protect yourself.

Be sure to protect yourself if you're dealing with a borderline when they have their vengeance switch.

Dare You To Move

 

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Thanks to Everyone For Their Comments

Thanks to each of you for your comments. I don't respond to them so I can keep this blog anonymous but I truly appreciate them.

I've found that we each have a story to tell, and our stories are similar. Yet they're different. We each have something to contribute, and I welcome all of your contributions. What I write isn't gospel; it's merely my opinion, my feelings, my life, and how I have navigated in the past couple of years.

I welcome your differing opinions, your experiences, your battles. Why you came here and what you've found. How I can help make this better so we all can heal, or if we're almost through our healing, how we can grow into better, more enlightened people.

Saint Patrick's Day

After the relationship with the BPD ended, I had little interaction with her. She and I did not communicate because in a Borderline relationship, you cannot have contact with the partner. They will end up accusing you of horrible things that you probably did not do, but nonetheless, it's stressful and risky.

I had just received a bin full of my belongings from the Borderline. She left them, along with a container of Faultless starch, on my porch.

I felt terrible.

I felt angry.

I felt like it was time for me to be a single guy. Spend a night on the town, just hanging out, and being myself. Or, maybe do something else.

Maybe I find Bob.

Finding Bob -- Borderlines' Old Boyfriends Help Fill In The Missing Pieces

Bob was her last major Boyfriend. Bob had dated the BPD for 3 years, according to the BPD. She cheated on her now dead husband with Bob. Had a full-out affair, admitted it and stopped, then went back to the affair around the same time that her husband passed away in a drunk driving car accident.

From what the BPD told me, Bob was a narcissist:

- Bob cheated on her regularly

- Bob was charming and handsome, but mean underneath

- Bob watched pornography regularly and did nasty things to the BPD

- Bob victimized the BPD

- Bob mistreated the BPD

- Bob lied to the BPD regularly

- Bob was married but getting divorced when he was with the BPD

- Bob now has a restraining order from seeing the BPD because of the night they broke up. More about that in the future.

When I met the BPD and began dating her, she told me on the first date that she was victimized by a narcissist. She told me that Bob promised her the world, but just took advantage of her. I felt so bad for her, and I had such compassion for her because of what Bob did to her.

I wanted to find Bob and beat him up.

When the phone rang and she got hang ups, she said that it was Bob calling. So much that I eventually answered the phone so he would know that I was there and she was protected.

When we first moved in together, the BPDs parents told her that they were quite comforted because I would be there to take care of her.

Looking back, she took care of herself just fine. She made herself vulnerable to the world so she could take full advantage of it.

When we first started dating and she would act irrationally, abnormally or just plain crazy, I would tell her that this behavior was not acceptable. At first, it was so outrageous that it was cute, but eventually, I needed to understand the root cause.

The BPD would apologize profusely, telling me that she had been the victim of Bob, the narcissist, and that she had overreacted as a result. After hearing her story, I always felt bad for her, terribly bad, and I would accept her apology.

I would tell her, "Don't do it again."

She'd do it. Again and again.

Eventually, in her mind, I became Bob. Looking back, I think in the beginning, she thought of me poorly and treated me as such, but over time, her image of me as a narcissist strengthened, and she made everything into that. She changed history to fit that image of me, because only really screwed up people could love someone like her, in her mind.

Back to finding Bob. I decided to go out in the town that Bob lived. He was a public official and well-known, and it was the night where the town had its Saint Patrick Day's celebration. The town is a small city so finding him was not easy. I had tried before. a couple of times and could not find him.

I worried that I would have difficulty recognizing him. I had only seen him once, at a bar with the BPD, when she told me that he was there and pointed him out to me.

Oh, by the way, he had a restraining order against the BPD also. She had said that this was standard practice -- both parties have restraining orders against one another when there is an incident. So, he couldn't go near her and neither could she.

So, I went out that night by myself, enjoying myself immensely. I treated myself to sushi, walked around the town, had a couple of drinks, then settled having a few smokes (I was smoking back then -- wonder why) at the cigar bar.

As I'm sitting there, I notice Bob behind me. Holy crap. I recognized this guy right away -- right away -- in a huge crowd.

I went over to him right away and asked to speak with him, taking him to another part of the bar where we could talk privately.

I introduced myself to him, told him that I had been in a relationship with the BPD and told him the current situation. We spent the rest of the evening discussing things:

"Did you ever cheat on her," I queried?

"No, I was always true blue to her," he responded. "I was going to marry her."

Then I asked him a slough of other questions, including the night that they broke up and she told me that he beat her. "She beat me up," he responded. I didn't ask any additional questions about that, but clearly, stories didn't jive.

Then he told me a story about how she was a victim of her now dead husband. He told me that she said that he tried to strangle her, and that she cried to Bob about this.

I remember hearing the story, but it was never like this.

By the end of the night, it was clear that the BPD's stories were just that -- stories. We talked about girls that the BPD had told me that Bob was sleeping with while they were in a relationship, things that she had done while they were together (like sleeping with his best friend), and more.

This woman had wreaked havoc on this poor guy's life. After she was gone, he had ruined his marriage, his career had been impacted, and his friends were impacted.

Typical borderline.

So, there I was, a couple drinks in me, and I had just found everything out -- I had just discovered that all the things that she told me and I believed were lies, and she was merely projecting her lies onto me.

I send her a couple of text messages that night. The first one says, "Bob says hi." This one was in Bob's presence.

She replies, "that's mean."

I reply, "I know the truth now."

She replies, "so do I."

Then, I get ugly. I start sending me messages that say things like, "you cried to Bob that Jeff was an abuser, choking you, then you cry to me about Bob abusing you? You're a big fat f'ing liar."

I forget the rest but a sent her a flurry of messages that continued until about 4 a.m. -- probably about 5 in all, saying things like "you've hurt me so bad and accused me of being a monster when you're the monster. I just want to heal." I woke up early and sent another.

She didn't reply. That was the last time I ever communicated with her.

Since then, she has contacted the counselor that we both saw and told her that she feared for her safety because I hung out with Bob that night. The counselor told me to stay clear of her and that, "she's trying to take you down."

Also, she contacted the police on Father's Day of that year, indicating that I had broken into her online photo account and put pictures of myself online. I spoke with the officer for quite some time, indicating that I did nothing of the sort. We discussed my options -- get a restraining order against her, file harassment charges, or leave it be, and we decided to leave it be.

Borderline breakups are pure drama. Borderline relationships are pure drama. Borderline lives are pure drama -- that's how they get their identity. If you can, steer clear of them -- they'll shorten your lifespan and make your life much more stressful. No fun, long term.

The Last Bin

After we broke up, I always had a hint of trying to get back together with the BPD. I wanted to heal, but if she had come begging back to me and had promised to try to fix herself, I might have considered staying in the relationship.

After all, she and I had been together for nearly 2 years. I didn't want to throw that much history away, and if she could stabilize, I would have considered a reconciliation.

So, we had sent a flurry of text messages and emails back and forth during the early part of March, and of course, there was drama where she accused me of a bunch of things, was downright mean and nasty, then rejected me once again...all in a chain of emails and text messages.

Amazing. The BPD could make you feel terrible without even talking to you. The nice thing was that I didn't have my hopes up high.

I remember that even in our text messages, we were communicating well, then, she turned; it was like you could have snapped your fingers with the way that a Borderline turns on you.

If you're going through this or in a relationship with a Borderline, that's how you can tell that they're truly Borderline -- you could be on great terms and having a great time with them, and in the snap of your fingers, they'll turn on you for a reason that makes no sense to you.

Anyway, back to the story. We had communicated a number of times, but in the end, she once again pushed me away.

I would normally try to pull her back in. I was done. I knew that there was a big world out there, and remaining with her was only going to be detrimental to my well-being.

Take the Band-Aid off, Rhonda said.

I didn't try to get back in.

Thirty minutes later, she tried to pull me back in. She sent me a nearly illegible email telling me how much of a nasty, sick, demented person I really was, and how I was going to rot in Hell or something like that.

I got it now and wasn't falling for it anymore. So I didn't respond.

Man, that must have pissed her off.

I was moving on -- as best that I can. I had started dating, and was talking with a number of people.

I was trying to heal. Trying hard.

Take one day at a time, boy. Do the best that you can. Go to work, contribute, do the best that you can. Put one foot in front of another. Do the right thing.

The week is ending. I pick my kids up and take them back to my place. As I pull up, I notice one of my plastic bins outside my place.

Holy crap. How did that get there?

I bring the bin inside and inspect its contents. It's all things that I had left at the BPDs when I lived with her: my iron, some tools, things I had left in the garage, Christmas ornaments that I had bought for her and my kids, nothing really special.

Except one thing -- a can of spray starch -- called Faultless spray starch.

How poetically ironic. Faultless.

Of course, the BPD would accuse me of being Faultless. I always told her that I was human, that I made mistakes, just not the mistakes that she accused me of making.

Once again, I felt like I was going to cry. I called one of the girls I was dating and told her (she had become a confidante, or so I thought) what had happened and how I felt. She told me that I needed some more time alone, and to call her in around a month.

Wow. Get hit between the eyes then get kicked in the nuts in the same hour. Thanks.

So she had returned everything that was mine. Things were really over.

A part of me was sad.

A part of me was mad. How much mistreatment can one person take?

Not much more. It was my turn to settle the score and show her true nature to others. Time to find the world that she had before me so she would know that I knew.

It was time for the Saint Patrick's Day Celebration.

Next time, learn about Saint Patrick's Day and what happened.

The Goodbye Letter

We've all been there -- heartbroken from the termination of a relationship. Of course, the heartbreak felt from the termination of a BPD relationship is just a little more -- maybe a lot more -- traumatic. Combine this with all the other life events occuring -- changing jobs, moving, etc., and you've got a Perfect Storm.

So, we finally broke up in December, 2007. She stormed away, telling her that she'll never trust me, and I didn't follow her. I didn't really contact her. I read a number of books, namely one titled, Surviving the Loss of a Loved One/When Your Relationship Ends. Pretty basic, but good overall.

I was such an incredible sap when the relationship first was over. I cried all the time, was so lost...it was pathetic. Looking back, I can't believe it, but when you're so broken, you're broken. No excuses.

Anyway, the book recommended that I write a goodbye letter, recapping the good aspects of the relationship as well as the bad ones. They tell you that you don't have to necessarily give it to the person, but it's more a form of self-medication.

As I think you can see, I'm a writer. A professional writer also. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm sad. I just...write all the time. It's how I express myself.

Of course I would write a letter. So I sat down, pulled out a pen and paper, and wrote the letter. I wrote goodbye to all the good things -- the fun times, the good things about her. Then I wrote goodbye to all the bad things, including her misery. It was good -- real good. I felt good about the letter.

The purpose of the goodbye letter is to mourn the relationship and help you put the relationship away. I wrote it in January, and did all the work that I was supposed to -- read the books, went to counseling, etc. In March, I decided that I would "put the relationship to bed" -- so I went down to Delaware, the place where she and I spent lots of time and I created a "Commitment Document" (the topic of another discussion, later), took the "Anchored Together" keychain that she bought for me, and threw it into the bay -- far into the bay.

I was feeling better -- not really. I was mourning the relationship and just wanted it to be over. Ironically, as I was getting to the place where I was going to throw the chain into the Bay, the song Landslide began to play:

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

So, I cried more and more and threw the keychain into the Bay. Ironically, I was beginning to feel better. I had a whole box of her stuff, and I was going to throw it out--the pictures, the goodbye letter, the everything. I was so whacked that I even got a Valentines Day card for her.

Instead, I threw out everything. Except the Valentines Day card and the goodbye letter. Those, I dropped in her mailbox.

That started the second interaction with her. Before, we had traded text messages a couple of times, but nothing was really exchanged. I call the first interaction a couple of emails that we traded where I wrote to her something like, "you're right I'm a big liar," then I make a bunch of ridiculous statements about how I'm such an incredible liar.

They finished with statements that while she and I were dating, I had married someone else and they were living in the side of the mountain, in the woods, where I kept them from anyone. She later told me that she had believed my statements. Ugh.

This second one was a real exchange. It started a day or two after I dropped the letter and card, and lasted for about a week. I thought we had a chance at getting back together -- for about a minute or so.

At first, the exchange was calm, with both of us writing about how much we missed the relationship. Eventually though, like any exchange with a BPD, they need to start breaking down your walls so they can force their misery on you. They start telling you how bad you are, and how you've hurt them,. which begins their first trap. By the end, it was ugly. She was being downright mean and beligerant. Sometimes, she went as far as telling me, "you're screwing with me," when, of course, I was only trying to treat her as good as possible.

It was real bad.

Her true colors came out once again.

In the middle of these exchanges, the kind side of her would come out. I remember her telling me to be sure that I turn my clock ahead for daylight savings then good night. It was wierd. It was totally borderline.

At the end, she told me that we were not meant to be together, and that she was moving on. Then, she sent me a nasty, delusional email about 30 minutes after this, calling me a character in one of my writings (a demented character). I never responded to her about that, to this day, which is nearly 1-1/2 years later.

That's how the Goodbye Letter ended. In misery.

Saint Patrick's Day to follow.

Interactions With The BPD Since The Relationship Terminated

I've written about all of these feelings I've had since the relationship terminated, but I haven't indicated how many interactions we have had. Sooo, let me fully dislose that and tell you about each of those times as they're all quite interesting. In fact, stay tuned, because I'll fully describe each interaction as they each could use some detail. July should be a fun month in the world of BPD Recovery!

Can You Fully Recover From a BPD Relationship?

When I first embarked on my journey after being in the relationship with the BPD, I never thought that I could get back to normal. But what really is normal, I would think.

The books and forums say, do the work. The only way you can heal yourself from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is if you Do The Work.

• Figure out why you were in the relationship.
• Figure out what drew you to that person.
• Shed the BPD tendencies that you inherited from being in a long-term relationship with a BPD.
• Feel comfortable with yourself again. In a word, be comfortable in your own skin.
• Shed any codependent tendencies that may have gotten you into the relationship
• Learn to love yourself, not loathe yourself

So you go to counseling. You read book after book after book. Then you read some more. You get dismissed from counseling because you are back to "content," but you need more. You don't know what it is, so you read some more.

Then you find The Lord, which fills the hole. You learn about spirituality and what it's like to take yourself, your partner and your kids out of the center of your universe and replace it with another -- God.

Suddenly, things seem to make sense. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't require cataclysmic change. When you're ready, it's there, and it's so simple. I went to church and found what I had been looking for. Suddenly, the pain was still there, but it had lessened.

Don't get me wrong -- putting all of this together took some time-- about a year after I first went to church. I was still hurting when I was fooling myself and saying I'm healed in this blog, silly me. I wanted to be healed so badly.

Time Heals The Wounds

It's true, but time certainly does heal the wounds. Over time, if you have done the work, the pain diminishes until it's all but gone.

Your life is so different now. It's so calm, and for the most part, you're content. You still want some things to be different, but something has happened. You understand everything a little better. You're now older, wiser, and much more appreciative.

Sunsets are once again glorious and spectacular. When the sun rises in the morning and you're fortunate enough to witness them, you realize how thankful you are for having such a special, privileged life and such wonderful friends and family.

You're a different person. But you're the same. You've refined yourself, made yourself a little less vulnerable and have come to understand much more. You've grown into the person that you've always wanted to be.

Being in a relationship with a person afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the toughest things that a person can go through. You'll never feel more ripped apart when the relationship ends. It's like a drug addict that needs their fix, the non needs the BPD to idealize and then demonize them. When it ends, you're lost. Completely lost and utterly alone.

When the relationship with the BPD ends, it's an opportunity to become the person that you always dreamed. It's a wonderful growth opportunity, although you will not always know it. It will be the toughest thing that you do, probably ever. Career challenges, raising children, and doing intense athletic events such as triathalons and marathons pale by comparison. Those events are short-lived -- this lasts for quite some time.

When you get through it, you'll be an amazing person.

Yes, you can fully recover from a BPD relationship. You must commit to recovering and do the work. Then, life will be wonderful.

The Grand Finale

Today was the day -- or maybe it was next week -- but for history's sake, I'm going to mark today as the day that we last spoke, for the final time.

I was at work, and she was in her normal rage. She had told me goodbye, and me, in my not normal self, immediately put myself on a dating site. The BPD had done this one of the many times that we broke up, and she had done it once again this time. She put herself on a dating site.

I put myself on one too. She freaked out. Absolutely freaked.

Now, just to recap, the BPD had put herself on a dating site when she broke up with me. However, when I put my profile on that same dating site, the BPD freaks out.

I start getting text messages that say, "As you read this message with your sadistic shit eating grin, I hope you die in hell with Satan."

I can't believe that I remember that, but I remembered it. In fact, I saved that message on my phone for months. When I would feel real weak and want to reach out to the BPD, I'd look at that message and remember that was her thought towards me.

Then after that, the drama got worse. Her messages went to "ohhhh, I'll miss you....goodbye my lover..." It was so strange, from one extreme of hatred to total disarray.

The saddest thing? I fell for it and played along, fully engulfed in the BPDs drama. She was so upset that I was on a dating site yet had herself on the site before I was there. 

The following day, we spoke on the phone, and she was raging at me. Telling me how bad of a person I was, again, and telling me how all of this was my fault. 

She then told me that she would be going to a bar by my house and not to go there. I told her that I was closer and I was going there. Her response?

"I'll start dating the bartender and get you kicked out."

Huh?

This was the grand finale. Someone that I thought that I was going to marry, someone that I looked at buying the dream house with, someone that I fully let go, tells me that she's going to start dating a bartender to get me kicked out of a bar?

There's priorities for you. 

1 Year

This is the one year anniversary of when she and I last saw one another. One year ago this weekend, we spent time together for the last time.

It's so crazy, looking back, thinking about where I was at with my life back then and how completely different it is now.

It's so different. I've grown so much and have changed so much.

Things with us one year ago were turbulent, to say the least. The funny thing is that thinking back about everything, I now realize how her perception was so different than mine. She was paying me lip service but in her mind, I was the bad one regardless of what she said. I was evil, I was the abuser, I was the one that caused her so much pain. 

The strange thing is that I always thought that things would come back together, but maybe I didn't. I had moved out, and I was beginning to determine ways to safeguard myself and my family. 

Anyway, it was one year ago when she said to me "I'll never trust you again," then drove away in her fit of fury.

She never trusted me from the start. Her loss. I'm pretty trustworthy.

They say it takes one year to fully heal from a Borderline relationship. One full year of no contact. 

This was the last time that she and I had contact, with the exception of some emails and text messages sent at the beginning of this year.

The latest contact that she tried to initiate was via the police department where she accused me of breaking into her Internet photo account, putting pictures of myself on her account.

Have I healed?

Yes.

Have I lost a piece of me?

Definitely

The End of The Innocence

One of the major attractions that a non has to a borderline is their innocence. They seem so innocent, so pure, and you think that you have such a pure love with them.

Unfortunately, this is an illusion. They make you feel like you have this "fairytale" romance that's so pure, but it's not. It's not real. You're merely a part of their play, I'm sorry to say

So, in the end, you lose your innocence. You emerge a better person, a stronger person, but a more callous person. Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline requires you to lose this as you re-acclimate with the world.

The nice thing is that you emerge with a level of clarity like no other. You almost see things too clearly.

I used to fear seeing her. Then I looked forward to seeing her so I could show her the person that I've emerged into.

Now, I don't care if I ever see her again. I still miss her daughters dearly, but her I don't care about.

That's what a year does -- it allows you to let go. For good.

Things Get Better -- Much Better

I haven't provided a posting in a while, yet visitors keep coming to the blog, which, in turn, makes me feel like I should post. One of the main reasons that I feel so compelled to post is when I review the keywords. 

As someone who was up to his eyeballs one year ago as I began to detach from a person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, I've been there.

As someone who is close to, if not fully, healed from the scars that a relationship with a BPD inflicts on you, you CAN get out and live a better life.

I've been there. I know the feeling. I never thought that I could do it. You can do it if you want though.

How To Get Out Of A Borderline Relationship For Good:

1. Create a solid support system of friends, family, co-workers, 12-step, support group...whatever you can before you leave the relationship. Have people to lean on when you need them. In the end, though, this is YOUR decision, and you will have difficult times. Just be prepared for them.

2. Commit to yourself -- commit to improving yourself and making yourself feel better. If you feel that you were codependent (you probably were), join groups like Al-Anon. See a therapist.

3. Be sure to get spiritual fulfillment -- Go to church, synogague or whatever form of organized religion that you subscribe. It's critical to have this support while going through this type of change.

4. Recognize that you will have difficult times, but these difficult times will make you a better, stronger and more secure person. Change is difficult, but in the end, it helps you become a better person.

5. Spend your free time with your support system and have friends that you consider "lifelines" when you need them.

6. While healing, learn about yourself -- learn why you fell into such a relationship, what warning signs to look for in the future, and how to ensure that you are treated well in the future.

7. Frequent websites like www.bpdcentral.com and the Welcome To Oz newsgroup. These support groups are invaluable as you sever ties with a BPD and begin to understand what happened.

You can and will be a better person in the end.

I realized that the relationship was critical to my development -- critical to making me a whole person. To be the person I am today, I had to endure quite a lot of difficulty -- quite a lot of abuse from the BPD relationship. Now, I am a stronger, more confident and secure person.

Good luck in your journey. It can get better and you can get out of it.