Relationship Recovery Step 1: Feel The Pain

When you get out of a BPD Relationship, it hurts like no other. The pain you feel is, well, quite painful.

You feel like you've been knocked down, and all of your efforts, all of your accepting the unacceptable, were in vain.

All you want is that person back in your life. You know, if they are BPD, that it's the worst thing for you. You'll be abused emotionally, maybe physically, definitely verbally. Your standards, whatever you believe in, will be thrown out the window.

Yet you want them back.

They say that the most normal person -- the person who has it all together -- can be taken apart by someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. The reason is simple.

Borderlines are perceptive. They know people. They're supersensitive, so they are sensitive to your needs. That's probably why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Unfortunately, they're not fully developed, and their disorder precludes them from developing fully, or usually so they can get to a place where they can be in a fully functional relationship.

How to Feel The Pain

Before covering how you can feel the pain, we must first cover how you will not feel the pain. If you start:

• Drinking alcohol excessively
• Taking drugs
• Partying way too much
• Dating someone else right away
• Exercising in excess
• Doing anything in excess -- way way too much

...you won't feel the pain. Please understand that doing many of these things, such as exercising, is actually quite good for you. However, when done in excess, they become problematic.

Now, there is a time to avoid the pain, but only if you eventually deal with it. There are times when things are so bad, or you think that they are, that you just can't deal with them. If you feel like this, then go out with your friends, let them relax. I remember that when the BPD and I first split, my friends took me out to the local bar and grille then introduced me to the staff. "You're gonna love this place," they pumped me up. I have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

When the time comes, you will need to really fill the pain. Believe me, it hurts. It will take time, and when you're in it, it will feel like a long time.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in retrospect, it wasn't too long. They say that in a relationship, it takes you about 1 year to heal for every 2 years that you were in the relationship. With dysfunctional relationships (like borderline relationships), I'd say it takes longer than that.


Now it's time to really feel the pain. Lock yourself in your home and let it all out. Feel the loss. Mourn the relationship. Cry, cry and cry some more. Maybe you need to write a goodbye letter. If you do, then do it.

Put on some of the saddest songs you know. Put on those breakup songs that break your heart.

Your heart is broken. Let it be broken.




There are many phases of the mourning process, and after you deny that the relationship is over, it's time to feel the pain.

However, you can get through the pain, and you can feel great when you come out of it. 

How Long Will This Last?

You should feel the pain intensely only for a few weeks, no more than three weeks. They say that it takes about 23 days to change a habit, and you now need to get used to the habit of not having this person in your life. You know that it's for the better, but it still hurts.

You'll feel the pain for months, if not years, but the intense pain should subside after about three weeks. You need to start putting your life back together, which will be covered in some later topics.

If you start to have suicidal thoughts, if you cannot get out of the funk and stop feeling the pain intensely, if you just can't get it back together, get support immediately. Professional support can be quite helpful and can help get you over the humps that you need in life.

So you've felt the pain, and you've gotten through it. Time for the next step, Let Yourself Heal.

Save Your Soul: Borderline Torture

It's one of those stories that you hate to tell, but it's true. One of those examples of abuse by a borderline. One that when you look back, you can't believe that you put up with it.

The problem is that when you look back, it was so strange and bizarre, so much something that you cannot explain, that you just block it out. However, when you look back, you know that it was detrimental.

One Sunday, the borderline fires up the stereo and puts on the Jewel song, "Who Will Save Your Soul." Then she comes to me, looks at me, and starts singing the lyrics.

People living their lives for you on TV
They say they're better than you and you agree
He says "Hold my calls from behind those cold brick walls"
Says "Come here boys, there ain't nothing for free"
Another doctor's bill, a lawyer's bill
Another cute cheap thrill
You know you love him if you put in your will

Who will save your soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?

We try to hustle them, try to bustle them, try to cuss them
The cops want someone to bust down on Orleans Avenue
Another day, another dollar, another war, another tower
Went up where the homeless had their homes
So we pray to as many different God's as there are flowers
But we call religion our friend
We're so worried about saving our souls
Afraid that God will take His toll
That we forget to begin

Who will save your soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?

Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill
You got social security, but that don't pay your bills
There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay
So you bargain with the Devil, say you're OK for today,
You say that you love them, take their money and run
Say it's been swell, sweetheart, but it was just one of those things
Those flings, those strings you've got to cut,
So get out on the streets, girls, and bust you butts.

Who will save you soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save you soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save you own?

I was dumbfounded. She was convinced that I was telling lies, telling more lies, telling more lies. These were the things that chipped away at you, slowly but surely, you slowly but surely have more and more taken away from you.


When the person that you love, that you are willing to spend your life with, is telling you about lies that you've told, it hurts, plain and simple. How could she think such things about me? How could she tell me that I am lying to her when I tell her, time and time again, that I'm being honest?
- All the three hours talks
- All the efforts
- All the time that I spent trying to make her feel more comfortable
- All the lunchtimes I spent with her trying to make her feel comfortable
- All the fights that I accepted responsibility for things that I didn't do wrong
- The times that she kicked me out of her house and changed the locks, twice, but I came back because I thought she understood


It didn't matter. She still thought that I was telling lies. Unfortunately, that's a mental disorder for you.


That's what I realized, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't change her. No matter how much I tried, no matter how much goodness I tried to infuse into the relationship, her anxieties and fears overruled them.


I obviously took missteps also. I'm a free spirit, so those with control issues have difficulties being with me. She misinterpreted many of my intentions, whether it was her disorder or my outlook I'm not sure.


Regardless, playing a song like this, "Who will save your soul after all the lies you told, boy," after all you've tried to make her feel comfortable, is just mean and heartless, and abusive.


Another sign to get out. Don't accept the unacceptable.

How Can BPDs Move On So Easily?

So you were in a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder and the relationship has ended. You're crushed, hurt, feel abandoned, like someone has ripped your heart out. You can't think about another person because, frankly, you still love the borderline so much.

They hurt you, they treated you poorly, they took a part of you, but you still love them.

It's been relatively little time (maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe three), and the Borderline is in a new relationship. Maybe they've told you, maybe you just discovered it, but they're with someone new. They're sleeping with a new partner, and they no longer have any interest in you.

What happened?

BPDs Are Insecure Creatures That Need Someone

I'm generalizing here, but I need to describe the way that many borderlines act. Because borderlines are such insecure creatures and lack self-identity, they need someone to complete them. If they're with another person, they feel like they're fulfilled.

When you were with the borderline, you filled this need. They recognize that you filled this need, but borderlines are parasitic in nature. They take all of their partner, then move on to the next partner where they will repeat their patterns of drama, initial infatuation then devaluation, and ultimately moving on.

Borderlines are in constant conflict internally -- they want someone to complete them, but they don't think that they deserve adoration or love, because they loathe themselves so much.

I remember saying to the borderline after one of our fights, when she was acting insecure and clearly having large issues, "why do you continue acting like that?"

Her response (I don't remember exactly)? "I've always felt like I deserved to be alone, and this may make you go so I'll be alone again."

So, they have a constant internal battle -- they don't love themselves and don't think that they deserve love, yet they need that love and adoration to feel fulfilled.

What a miserable life.

Mature Relationships Not Possible With A BPD

In an normal relationship, a couple gets to know one another, builds trust, then begins to mature and grow together. Their relationship matures, and their love grow deeper as they gain new understandings of one another. The will have disagreements and may fight, but arguments and disagreements are settled in a caring and loving manner.

With a borderline relationship, the relationships never mature. Like the movie Groundhog Day,  the Non has the same things happen with a borderline over and over again. The borderline's insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don't know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.

Time To Go

This self-loathing, constant Groundhog Day scenario and world of continual rebuilding makes the borderline create a world of total dysfunction. The world can be so crazy that they eventually feel like something must be wrong with you if you stay in the relationship. Borderlines don't like being broken up with -- it makes them feel unlovable and validates their suspicions that they aren't worthy. So, what do they do?

They find someone new. And your heart is broken.

They most likely think about you, and if the relationship doesn't work, they may come back to you, Hoovering you back in. But the cycle will continue.

At this point, the typical borderline pattern of abuse has started. Get out. It's not going to end the way you want -- you will not sail off into the sunset with your borderline, unless she admits her problems and gets help.

It's tough, but borderlines move on easily because you have filled a part for them. Now they've found someone else to fill that part, and they don't need you any more.

In upcoming posts, we'll cover what the borderline does for you. The adoration you got -- how it made you feel, and how it's actually a flaw in you that needs to be addressed.

Dreams About The BPD

Healing takes a long time, especially when you have suffered verbal and physical abuse in a relationship. I'm now over two years out of the relationship, yet I still harbor scars.

A couple of nights ago, a scar came out. I had a dream about the BPD.

Images of Healing while Still Harboring Pain

In the dream, I saw her (the Borderline Personality Disordered woman whom I was in the relationship with) and we said hello to one another. She was quite distant and wouldn't look me in the eye. She was wearing a man's outfit (most likely the outfit of the person that she is now with), and we exchanged pleasantries. I, of course, wanted to see how she was and see how things were.

I remember trying to talk with her for a couple of minutes but she said very little, then eventually responded with, "I'm done with you."

The interaction that I had in the dream wasn't really with the BPD. We obviously spoke, but did not really talk of anything meaningful. It was with her daughters.

Victims of a Borderline: More Than Just Partners
I've written about the girls before, from posts where I wrote about Missing the Girls to writing about When the Girls First Met My Kids. While I've pretty much healed from the relationship and the chains of addiction that the BPD had on me have been broken, I still miss the girls dearly and worry about them.

 The girls were so sweet and so pure. Spending so much time with them, putting so much of my time into them bonded us quite closely. I'm the kind of person that believes in quality time and values this time above all other, so I put quite a bit of time into them. I helped with homework, read books, and put them to bed every night.

When the relationship first ended, I was too hurt from the relationship to really think about the girls; clearly, based on my posts, I thought about them and missed them, but the loss has continued while the loss of the BPD has gone away in time.

In the dream, I saw each of the girls who were sitting next to one another. I hugged each of them, and I told them how I've missed them so much and that I loved them and will always love them. They both cried and told me that they missed me. Strangely, they hadn't aged.

Still Learning
I continue to learn about how I'm healing and how to deal with different parts of this loss. The dream taught me a number of important things: That I still miss the girls; that I'm not worried about the BPD; and that I harbor a lot of anxiety about when I actually will run into the BPD.

We live about 20 miles away from one another, but some day, our paths will cross where we will be face-to-face. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about such a thing -- I would never worry about past relationships, but I am. I think this is because you just don't know what you're going to get when dealing with a borderline, if it will be an amicable interaction or if she will be crazy and start accusing me of things. Or, she could call the police after I saw her and tell them that I was stalking her. You just don't know.

This is why I've worked hard to avoid the borderline. When I saw her, instead of saying hello, I avoided her. Because the situation is so unknown, you just don't know what she is going to do. Who wants to go into a situation that could be volatile? When one is addicted to a borderline, they're more willing to take a chance (depending on the depth of the addiction); however, now, avoiding the situation is best.

How To Have a Normal Life After A Borderline Relationship

You can have a normal life after you have a relationship with somebody afflicted with borderline personality disorder. Heck, if you have a partner who is afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, can truly keep your sense of self-worth and self esteem intact while establishing healthy boundaries, you can even survive in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

This post covers how to have a normal life after you've been in a borderline relationship, from recovery to back to normalcy and thriving in your new found free life.

Grieve The Relationship
First, you have to grieve the relationship. Allow yourself time to fully grieve. You can get books like How to Survive The Loss of a Love. The book's a little cheesy, but it worked for me.

Actually allot time each day to grieve the loss. Losing someone who is borderline is tough, mainly because they are such intense relationships. Most of us that were in a relationship with a Borderline thought that this was it, and this person was marriage material. We suddenly had to say goodbye to our partner -- heck, I nearly bought a house with my ex BPD.

This has a huge cost in terms of how you feel. It takes time -- longer than normal to heal. Give yourself the time, no matter what, or it will come out strange ways.

Begin To Prove To Yourself That You're Not Those Things That The Borderline Said You Were
I know, this one is a little nutty, but it works. Even if you know that you're not crazy, you're not borderline, you're not a liar, you're not a scammer, you're not gay, your kids aren't mental patients, you don't want to hurt the BPD, the BPD's family, the BPD's pets, the BPD's pets, and so on (I rattled that off in one thought, so you can see that those scars are still there), they still have a lasting effect.

When I told the borderline that she was BPD, her response was, "no I'm not, you are." She then launched into an all-out attack on me, trying to prove that I was borderline. or suffered from Antisocial Personality Disorder (often seen as the male counterpart to BPD). It got so bad that one day, we were in a psychologist's office going through the DSM, me having to prove that I don't have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I've covered this before, but my point is that it has a lasting impact.

After the relationship terminated, one of my first relationships was with a psychologist. This PhD dealt regularly with criminals that had Antisocial Personality Disorder. I know that I didn't have this disorder, but I just had to prove it a little more...

Begin To Get Your Sense of Self Back
So, you're now mourning the relationship. It's time to get into the driver's seat and make life good again. Appreciate your new found freedom and time. After all, you no longer have to worry about a borderline, or anyone for that matter.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. It contained plenty of great information, was a quick read, but helped me put everything into perspective and begin to grow once again. It was definitely one of those good ones to read when going through this change.


Learn How Not To Make The Same Mistakes
So, you're starting to get your sense of self back. You may want to go to a counselor to examine what drew you to the borderline and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. For me, it was a deep childhood issue with my sense of self -- I felt comfortable proving my worth, which the BPD constantly challenged.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called No More Mister Nice Guy. It helped me break some of the chains that had kept me in the relationship -- the chains of great sex, and others. 


Break The Chains of Codependency
Some need to go to Alanon. I didn't need it, but I did realize what codependent behaviors I had and broke them, for the most part. I read books like Codependent No More which allowed me to start forming healthy, functional relationships with others.



Learn To Start Getting The Love -- and Giving The Love -- That You Deserve
So, you're now on the right path. You're feeling better and better. While doing this, be sure to keep working through your regular issues -- mourning when appropriate, taking time for yourself, re-discovering who you really are.

When you're ready -- start getting the love that you deserve. I read a book which helped do this, called Getting the Love You Want. This book was a great book and helped explain it all and make large changes in me. After reading this book, I:
- Went back to church, finding a spiritual foundation (which is so critical)
- Met my current partner.

In future posts, I'll cover how I got the spiritual foundation, what it did for me and how to get it yourself. I'll also cover each of these elements in more detail.

You can have a normal life after a Borderline Relationship, for what it's worth. Follow the approach outlined here and you'll be on your way.

The Last In-Person Conversation

As I sit here and think about the last time I was with the BPD, I think about how time changes your perspective sooooooo, much. When I read yesterday's post and I read last year's post about The Grand Finale, I realize how much our perspective changes as we distance ourselves from the relationship, continue to heal and gain better perspective.

To recap, two years ago to the day (today) was the last time I spoke with the BPD in person. She had stayed over after a night of drinking in New York City, and when we woke up, I was back in heaven. She was next to me, and life was good.

For her, heaven was short lived. She began questioning me and anxiety was rearing its ugly head. "I feel like other people have been here with you, and have stayed in this bed with you."

Uuuuhhhh, no.

"If you have someone else in this bed, I'll make you wish you never did."

Really? Wow. This was the chick that I cared so much about.

I kept trying to assure her that all was okay, that I hadn't been with anyone else. However, there must have been a part of me that was done, because I told her what I had done the week before, when she had told me that if I come over, she's calling the police.

I had gone to the local bar, met a guy and started talking fishing. We hung out and drank a couple drinks, then went to his friend's (a ten second walk from the bar) where we proceeded to spend the night talking about life and women (he was going through a divorce), listen to music and playing guitars.

All in all, the perfect night when a woman's kicking you out of her life.

Believe Nothing

I knew that the BPD wouldn't believe this. But I told her anyway when she asked what I did that night. I think at first, I told her, "you don't deserve to know what I did. You raged on me and wouldn't talk to me. You threatened to call the police."

But eventually, I relented. I told her. What do you think she did?

That's right, she freaked out. She went over to the Believe sign, the one that I had given to her, rescued from the garbage multiple times, and threw it in my garbage. What drama -- How poetic -- look for more detail on Believe in upcoming posts.

She then went outside. I asked her to sit with me so we could discuss it. She had a cigarette and we discussed it. She told me that she would never trust me, then brought up incidents like Miami where she broke up with me when I was on business there and accused me of going out to clubs and fooling around after she had broken up with me.

More on Miami in upcoming posts. This was yet another example of the insanity that was her mind, and the world that I accepted.

After she smoked her cigarette, she got in her car, said, "I'll never trust you again," and then left in a state of drama.

I've covered any communications that we've had since then, but there have only been a couple and that's it.

Two years ago, to the day, this all happened. A week later, we were supposed to go out, but I'll cover that in the next week. While I've covered some of these stories before, I now have perspective that I never had before. Time has given me more of a perspective, and while I don't remember the details as vividly as I did, I now have better understanding.

Funny, I still remember the exact places where all the conflict occurred. I remember wherever she said something negative to me, or accused me of something, or we had major conflict.

It had to happen like this. I had to break the chains, and I had to heal. I would have kept the cycle going if it wasn't such a harsh break.

All for the better, but it takes time to realize this.

Boundaries: Critical For Survival

Without them, you will be ripped into shreds and made to feel like a terrible person. With them, you can maintain a *healthy* sense of self-worth, if you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

I'd argue that any of us that are in a long-term relationship with a borderline can't maintain properly boundaries with our partner. We have a tendency to let our partners regularly violate our boundaries and hurt us, telling us terrible things about us and put all of their misery on us.

What Are Boundaries?

Simply stated (wish me luck here), boundaries are the rules that a person lives by:

- How will I allow people to treat me?

- Will I let people make fun of me, ridicule me, treat me poorly, or will I leave such situations?

- Will I let people hurt me, or will I not stand for being hurt, ending a relationship when boundaries are violated?

We have boundaries in all of our relationships, with friends, family and lovers. Most of the time, self-esteem and self worth will impact how healthy our boundaries are with others. Those with low self esteem and low self worth will let others violate what would be healthy boundaries.

I was told by a counselor once that my exBPD girlfriend had no boundaries. Thinking about it more, I disagree. Let me explain.

Borderlines have difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries. Their instability makes them put up boundaries that are too strong, then letting their boundaries down completely. Because they are such extreme people, they cannot have healthy boundaries, and in fact, they will often put up such strong boundaries that they will alienate others.

The BPD that constantly plays victim to another person and claims to be regularly victimized is putting up boundaries, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. They are telling their partner that they were victimized by another person and they don't want to have that happen again. My exBPD played the victim card that she was extremely hypersensitive. She would fabricate thoughts that I had, accusing me of doing horrible things that I never had any intention of doing.

Suddenly, she was again playing the victim, making sure that terrible things didn't happen to her. This kept her boundaries too strong and invaded my boundaries.

My initial response to these strange, completely off-the-wall accusation was, "I have nothing to hide and would never do such a thing to you." But over time, these off-the-wall accusations wear on a person. My responses weakened to I would never intentionally try to make you feel like this, to which she accused me of hurting her, but not intentionally doing things. Like I was doing this subconsciously.

This was all in her head, but it became my reality. She worked into me and violated my boundaries for healthy self-worth and self esteem. Because I was newly divorced and hurting, I allowed this to happen -- for over a year, then I had to start protecting myself.

Initially, I thought that she would see the good in me -- the person that I was. She never did. In a way, I was trying to violate healthy boundaries by trying to show her who I was.

Boundaries can be confusing. Remember that healthy boundaries are critical to someone feeling good about themselves, which is healthy self esteem. If you feel bad about yourself, first check and see if someone is making you feel like that. If they are, I'd bet that they're violating your boundaries.

Borderderline Personality Devaluation: Unexplainable Criticism

So many Nons that are in relationships with Borderlines know the drill -- life is great, the world is wonderful, they are living on Cloud 9, then you could snap your fingers -- just snap them, and the Borderline Personality begins to rip into you. They say things like "I hate you," sometimes over and over again.

For me, those words are the worst. "I hate you." What a hurtful thing to say to someone else. I have never said those words to anyone else. I don't think I've really ever said those words about someone else.

This is the Borderline's trademark. Out of nowhere, an "I hate you," comes flying at you, often for what you think is no reason.

After breaking up, the most disconcerting thing for me was the fact that we went from being so close, so comfortable with one another, to absolutely no contact. When we did have contact with one another (which was via text message or email), it initially was a lot of "I miss you."

Then, it became quite adversarial right in front of your eyes. You could have snapped your fingers -- again, ye ole vengeance switch.

These are people that we put all of our faith, all of our trust, all of our everything into, and they treat us like dirtballs. They tell us that they hate us, they kick us, they beat us, they tell us that our children are mental patients. They say hurtful things that we must endure.

We just can't figure it out.

Feeling Too Much?

Interviews with Borderlines has indicated that they are, in fact, feeling too much -- they have such a heightened state of awareness and sensitivity to their environment that they just can't handle it. So, when they have some kind of stiumuli--any kind of stimuli, whether it be a situation, something that another person has said, a song, a smell, a feeling, they react. The Nons in their life are blindsided.

Hypersensitivity could be a reason for Borderline Personality devaluation. The Borderline could just feel bad and threatened that the Non is taking advantage of them. It's tough, because their responses can be so extreme that they are downright abusive.

Abusive Relationship

That's the ultimate problem -- if you are in a relationship with a Borderline, you're in an abusive relationship. They put their misery on you, often blame you for their misery, treat you inappropriately, and have no idea what they're doing.

They hurt you. They scar you.

I'm going on two years of no contact with The Borderline, and while I've healed, I still carry scars of abuse. It's strange, but I know that they're there.

I had never been kicked out of somewhere that I lived. Ever. Suddenly, I'm staying with my parents -- something that I hadn't done in 20 years, because a borderline kicked me out.

Making Good Out of Bad

The relationship left me at my lowest ever. Just read some of my posts from 2007 and you'll see what I mean. In time, I was able to put it back together.

The best thing that came out of my recovery was the relationship that I began with Jesus Christ. I was raised Catholic but hadn't started to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Being so broken, so full of shame, feeling so low made me go back to church and ultimately begin this relationship.

If you feel broken and lost, you may have a God Shaped Hole in your life. Take a look and think about it. Learn more about starting a relationship with Jesus here.

You can recover from a relationship with a Borderline Personality. BPD Relationship Recovery can be difficult, but it's doable. You can survive a borderline breakup and thrive. You may have scars. You can, however, make life more enjoyable than ever before. It's up to you.

The Me Project Is Changing

I started this blog over two years ago in an attempt to heal from a highly dysfunctional relationship. A relationship that I didn't understand that I needed to work through. One that left me feeling hurt, confused, scared, unsure of myself...all the things that you don't want when leaving a relationship.

When in a borderline relationship, there are too many things that are about the person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder:

- You are constantly making your partner feel good about themselves, alleviating them of their misery

- You are always helping them and supporting them with their constant self-loathing

- You continually are on your guard, waiting for the next time that the borderline will attack you, which will probably be just when you try to let your guard down for a moment

So, when you leave the relationship, you need to make things about you, for a change.

That's how the Me Project was born. Coming out of the relationship, I was hurting, hurting like I hadn't hurt before. So emotionally scarred, soft and tender, in so much pain, trying to get through each day, sometimes trying to get through each hour.

Those were bad times. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I remember sitting at my family's house on Christmas 2007, tears running down my eyes as I laid on the couch. So alone after I had put so much into this relationship. I got nothing back and walked away feeling terrible -- probably another indication of such a dysfunctional relationship.

Over the next six months, I healed. Sometimes I felt great, while other times, not so great. I regressed quite a bit in March when we traded emails and text messages, then continued my recovery through the year.

Today, nearly two years after she and I last saw one another, I can say that I have healed. I have let go, I have forgiven her from the pain she inflicted on me, and I have moved on.

While the Me Project continues, this blog is no longer about me.

It's about each of you.

It's about you recovering Non's that have just learned that the person you dated (or are dating) probably has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's about you Non's that just had your heart broken, ripped into shreds, by someone that you think is BPD.

It's about those of you that are recovering from a highly dysfunctional relationship. You don't know what happened, but you just feel raw. Like someone pulled a rug out from under your feet, and you landed on your head. Hard.

It's about you that suspect that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You just don't get what your partners are screaming about. Why they keep saying these things to you and what it means.

So, the time for myself on this blog has now changed. I'll continue to provide life updates and tell my stories, but I'm also going to use material that you send me (send to mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com).

Thanks to each of you for helping to shape this blog -- please continue shaping this blog as we move into the future. Send me your comments, questions and general rants.

Welcome to the Us Project. It's not just my recovery anymore; it's yours too.

Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality

This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:

- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.

- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.

- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal

- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before

- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)

- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

The Firehouse: BPD Drama At Its Best

The firehouse was the best example of BPD drama and the way that borderlines view their lives as a movie. To fully understand the borderline and her boyfriend Bob, read the past few posts, then read Saint Patrick's Day as well as the More About Bob posts.

Before I start, let me say that this is the Borderline's story, so I cannot validate the story's validity. I later found from Bob that they both had restraining orders against them and that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats.

The Borderline said that she was done with the relationship and going to break up with him. When they went to their normal bar to spend the night together, she told him and he asked her to take a ride with him. Of course, she obliged.

When they took a ride, he took her to a local fire house. He worked as a fire fighter in this local town and the town had multiple houses through the small city. This one was pretty far out.

She said that at this point, she said that she wanted to go home, and he retorted, "you're not going anywhere," grabbing her arm and pulling her into the firehouse.

Inside the firehouse, they went to the top floor. Arguing and eventually fighting, she said that he grabbed her and was going to throw her out the window. She screamed for help out the window to people leaving the local gym, but no one would come. He beat on her, and she could do nothing.

They had been drinking on the third floor, and she smashed a beer bottle off, threatening to cut him with the beer bottle. He then pushed her down the stairs, and she rolled down all of the stairs, he came after her, spraying her with a fire extinguisher.

Somehow, she got out of his clutch and got out of the building. She ran to a local police station. He gave chase and caught her outside the police station, right around a lot full of parked police cars. At this point, she appeased him, saying that she wanted to be back with him, and began to kiss him. He calmed down, kissing her back and beginning to fondle her.

She then hit him and took off, screaming for help. There were police officers outside the building who paid attention to her, heard her and came to her. They brought her inside, her blouse torn to shreds.

Bob came walking up, an officer of the town who worked for the fire department and on the planning board, trying to explain.

After hours of questioning, she was let go and Bob was arrested. He was convicted and forced to go through anger management counseling on her request.

"She [the judge] threw the f*^#ing book at me," Bob told me in our brief conversation on Saint Patrick's Day. He said that when they met, she beat him up and that he was merely defending himself. He also said that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats. At one point, the BPD actually had made terroristic threats at me, saying when I moved into my apartment, "if anyone else has been here, I'll make you wish that they never were," or something threatening like that.

The firehouse drama continued up until the trial, according to the BPD. Before the trial, friends of Bob were threatening her, "if you press charges, you'll wish that you never did." They testified about how the BPD performed sexual acts with Bob in public, at bars and in other strange places.

As I write this, I'm disgusted that I was with a woman that lacked any integrity. These are perfect examples of her true character and my Dulcinea Syndrome.

She told me that when they drove to the trial, she and her father saw Bob, and Bob yelled to her, "I love you."

Drama, Drama, Drama.

I'm not sure how much of this story is real, what is true and what is conjured up. Clearly, this was BPD drama in its true glory, and the perfect ending to a BPD story of drama. The movie ends the way a movie is supposed to end.

When I saw Bob and talked with him, his attorney was going to contact her and request that she lift the restraining order against him, as he was then about to be Captain of the Fire Squad. Not sure if it every happened, but the cycle continued.

I wonder if more drama came of the whole situation. Only time will tell.

BPD and Thanksgiving: Holiday Drama

The BPD was quite interesting around the holidays. Her parents, who lived a couple of states away, would come up for this holiday and would stay with her sister.

However, my family has had a tradition that is now about 20 years old. My parents have Thanksgiving dinner every year at their house. My kids have never missed a year, and none of us miss this tradition.

Thanksgiving is the time of year where we get together, celebrate good times and enjoy one another. We have a close family that enjoys one another's company, so there is no dysfunction at family meals.

The Borderline's family was different. The BPD's mother is an alcoholic, drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, so the dysfunction runs rampant. Her father never had a real career, working as a sales representative for multiple companies and selling groceries, air conditioners and other products. No wonder there were so many problems, looking back.

Anyway, in 2006, we were together, and I told her about Thanksgiving, which she was happy to attend. Given that her parents were in town, we would have dessert at her sister's house so we could see her family -- the win-win for all involved.

Her parents weren't very happy. They wanted us to be there for the entire time. When she told them otherwise, it caused major issues.

When we got there, her mother was drunk and made a scene. At least we know where the BPD learned about drama.

I tried to keep things light, but it was a train wreck. The kids had a good time, which is what matters.

The following year was right before we broke up. We actually saw Valerie the last time right after Thanksgiving, but we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. This is when The Showdown occurred and we discussed who was borderline -- more total BPD Drama. I had thought we were going to be back together in the near future, but the relationship imploded within two weeks, not to be put back together.

The BPD learned about drama from her family, and it was clearly displayed by her mother. They couldn't respect the fact that my family was having Thanksgiving and that we would split our attendance so both would be happy. It was an all-or-nothing proposition in their mind, win-lose.

The drama never stopped. Every turn had to be conflict. Drama proves their worth, and this is yet another example of this.

BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair

- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset

- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was

- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her

- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice

- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house

- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her

- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.

BPD Cheating

It happens time and time again. One BPD relationship after another that I hear about has the same thread -- she cheated on me, told me about it, was sorry, so I forgave her.

The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.

The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:

- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world

- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others

- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.

Set Firm Boundaries

If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.

With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"

She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."

My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."

She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.

I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.

Your Self Worth Is At Stake

The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.

If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.

Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.

My Love For The BPD

When I was with the BPD and times were tough, I remember saying to my Mom, "...and I really like this woman."

"C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday," my mother retorted. "I know that your feelings for her are a lot more than that."

Yeah, I didn't really like her. I loved her. That was probably the toughest thing. I loved her, and I hadn't loved like that since before I got married, probably ever.

Puppy Love

For those that have never loved a BPD, it's like puppy love. It's the love that you have with someone when you're in High School, that love that is so pure and so raw and so uneducated and so emotional.

The love with a Borderline is just this rawness that has no boundaries. It's like a drug that you want more and more and more of it. It's an amazing love like no other that becomes something that you thrive for -- you just want to immerse yourself with this drug.

I truly loved the BPD, with all of my heart. I cared for her daughters like they were my own kids. I took care of her dogs, and worked on her house. I gave the relationship my entire heart, soul and being, initially without boundary. I worked hard to make our times together special, and would often push out anger and resentment so we could continue to have special times and experiences. Until the very end of the relationship.

The Addiction

The Borderline can get their lovers to become addicted to them by giving this love then taking it away at times when they feel vulnerable, creating constant instability in the relationship. The relationship is going fine, and when something happens inside a borderline (often called the Vengence Switch), the borderline snaps and takes away their raw unfiltered love, replacing it with anger and rage like no other. The Non just wants to get the raw unfiltered love back, so they do what they need to get it back. They eventually get it back and the addictive cycle begins again.

Over time, the BPD will slip into more and more abusive behaviors, and the Non will slip into more and more desperate attempts to get the love back. The BPD kicked me out of her house -- twice -- yet I still went back both times. At the end of the relationship, she was threatening to call the police.

Draw The Line

In any healthy relationship, it's important to have healthy boundaries. One must decide what they will and will not take. With the borderline, I decided that when the police got involved, I was getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible. I have a family and a career and a positive reputation that I need to uphold.

Six months after the BPD and I last spoke, she actually did call the police on me (on Fathers Day nonetheless), accusing me of breaking into her computer system. At this point, we had completely cut off contact, so such accusations were just silly.

Unhealthy Giving

Looking back, I gave too much of myself. I gave so much of myself that the relationship was codependent. I ended up putting my well-being into the hands of someone who was mentally ill.

Mentally ill or not, I am the one who chooses my responses to situations. Whether I will be happy, sad, joyful or mad is my choice, and I will not let another person's mood, attitude or illness dictate how I will react and respond to the world's stimuli.

Medication and the BPD

The BPD was interesting when it came to prescription drugs and medication -- very interesting. She was, of course, obsessed about her weight. Totally obsessed. She worked out every day for about 2 hours. She ran like a maniac and stayed as thin as a rail.

From the start, I knew that the BPD had issues. When we were together for about six months, after she and I had a blow-out fight, she says to me, "I have a confession to make." She then proceeds to tell me that she had been on Ephedra, the once-legal diet drug, since the relationship began. She was just getting herself off of it, according to her.

She then proceeded to tell me how she was researching Ephedra and learned about the common side effects -- moodiness, generalized anxiety, etc.

Stall Tactics

I was blown away. I thought that this was the reason for all of her crazy actions and feelings. This ephedra made her so suspicious, so anxious, so upset, so accusing. Aaaaaaaaaah, now I could be with the woman that I first met. That sweet, loving woman.

Of course, it didn't last long. She went back to her ways, her accusations, her constantly critical person that had me under the microscope. I would ask her "are you taking that medication again?" She would tell me no. Who's to tell what is the truth.

She told me that when she would take the medication, it caused her heart to race, sometimes out of control. This is a woman who would have panic attacks, feeling like she was having a heart attack.

A couple of months before we ended everything, I found a bag of pills of hers. I'm not sure what they were, but she denied that they were ephedra.

Medications That Treat BPD

There are some medications that effectively treat BPD. Before I met the BPD, she said that she was on Effexor for some time on advice from her friend -- clearly, others saw that she had issues.

From what I have read, Effexor is one of the most effective drugs for treating those that display BPD symptoms. More information about specific drugs and how they treat BPD can be found here.

However, she said that the Effexor made her gain weight, so she quickly stopped taking the medication.

After the first time that she kicked her out, I tried to take her to a psychiatrist to help medicate her and calm her down. I thought that this was the only chance that we had.

Unfortunately, she told me that I had the problems. The pressure that she put on me was enormous, and she never would accept medication until we had broken up.

Others find Celexa quite useful, and many BPDs that I have communicated with now take Celexa.

BPD or Not?

The BPD I was with never admitted that she had BPD, yet she was on a BPD medication. She felt so strongly about this that she insisted that I had BPD. Is the Borderline's world that crazy where they can change history right in front of your eyes? I guess so.

The BPD and I both took Wellbutrin when trying to stop smoking together. She suffered many of the side effects of the drug, however, including paranoia and suicidal thoughts. She would tell me, "it doesn't matter if I'm here, maybe I just should finish myself off for once and all." Needless to say, she didn't last on Wellbutrin for long.

Clearly, the right medications are good for a BPD, provided they will take them and will not suffer from the side effects. It may take time to find out which is right, but if the Borderline in your life will take them, it may make your life much better.

Signs

While driving to work today, I saw a sign on the back of someone's car. It said, "have a great day." What a great message, I thought.

It reminded me of my relationship with the BPD. She saw signs, she told me, all of the time. She said that there were signs coming at her -- she thought that her dead husband was sending her signs and looking out for her well-being.

Billboards, bumper stickers, television ads, newspaper and magazines, the internet, songs, you name it -- the borderline was getting sent signs. She told me that with Bob, her previous boyfriend, the signs were most everywhere. Then with me, the signs came as well.

Do People Really Get Signs from The Supernatural?

Was the BPD given signs to get away from me because I was bad and taking advantage of her? Did her dead husband send her signs saying that I was bad and going to hurt her? Did she get her signs all the time, as we drove down the road, as we did whatever?

One time, when we were driving to Delaware, she started to say the bad signs that she saw:

Snakes on A Plane

Get Out Now

Your Time is Gonna Come

I got it. I started to tell her about the signs that I saw:

Jesus loves you

Life Is Good

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Waste

It's A Beautiful Day

As a Christian, I would say that The Lord gives you messages and shepherds you in a direction. You will have certain life occurrences and events that will move you in a direction. God stopped speaking to people thousands of years ago, so you may be given an impression, and if you're tuned into the Lord, he may speak through you by providing you with thoughts, feelings and emotions. This requires intensive work in your spirituality and developing yourself so The Lord will give you certain thoughts.

The Edge of Our Perception

As the Perception artwork indicates, we are travelers on the edge of our perception. If we perceive the world to be bad and people will hurt us and take advantage of us, we will attract that to us. Furthermore, the signs that we see will all be negative.

If we see signs that are positive and uplifting, we will live a life of positivity and goodness. The choice is ours.

Did my ex girlfriend, who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, actually see signs? She had trained her mind to see negative signs in everything -- maybe this is why she had her anxiety eyes, I don't know. She could have trained herself to see positive signs, but you can't be a victim of positivity.

Borderline Personality Disorder is diagnosed as such because those that suffer from it are on the border of neurosis and psychosis. These signs are one example of this border -- I used to say that she was outright crazy about her signs.

In the end, our perception is everything -- so much that we can make things into whatever we want. That's my biggest lesson.

Dulcinea Syndrome

I can't believe that I've ever written about Dulcinea Syndrome. Aaaaah, the ole' Dulcinea Syndrome. I actually do write about it in some of my early posts, particularly when I penned Letter to Dulcinea and Dulcinea's Apology, but I never actually discuss Dulcinea Syndrome itself. I've alluded to it quite a bit throughout my life -- the syndrome that most of us suffer when first meeting someone:

Dulcinea Syndrome is a disease of mistaken identity that many suffer when first entering into a relationship with another person. With this disease, the person thinks that their partner is someone who is devoid of any shortcomings. They view the person with amazingly 'rosy colored glasses' that they cannot take off.

I recognized that I suffered from this disorder many times in my life, but with the BPD, I knew that she had issues. I guess I just didn't realize how large the issues actually were. Not only that, as time progressed in the relationship, her illness seemed to get worse, not better.

In the end, Dulcinea Syndrome is pretty simply described: We end up learning that the person is not who we thought that they were. Promises were broken, the person ends up being abusive and takes advantage, whatever the situation, the syndrome almost always has a painful ending.

God puts events in our lives to help us grow. Even the worst situations can end up being good if we stay positive and continue to grow through them.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I recently entered into a conversation with a group of people about one question: Does time heal all wounds?

I've thought about this quite a bit since then, and given my experience. There are times when we feel pain, such deep emotional pain. It often feels like we're never going to get through it. When we lose a loved one from illness. When we divorce. When a relationship ends. When someone who is close to you does something that hurts so much that you don't think you could ever forgive them.

Does time heal these wounds? Do you ever forgive the person, or do you completely shut the person out of your life, never letting them back in?

If you commit yourself to healing and growing from the wound, then time should heal it. You should be able to go through the healing process, grieving the loss then actually dealing with it.

Forgive

Forgiveness is also a part of the process. Eventually, you should forgive the person who has hurt you. In relationships where I feel that I had left wounds opened, I have asked for forgiveness. Without this, we need to close parts of our world out, which is dysfunctional and not normal.

With all of this said, there are a couple of important points to be made here. First, even though you forgive someone does not mean that you should go and renew relations or even an acquaintance. The BPD had told me that she could see us being friends after the relationship ended. Frankly, the trust was so violated and what she did was so egregious that I could never trust her again. Given the fact that she has contacted the police about me on several occasions, accusing me of doing things that I never would do, how could I be assured that this wouldn't happen again? Even though I understand why she did what she did and have forgiven her, by no means do I trust her. Re-opening lines of communication would be dangerous to my well-being, so there is no reason at all to do such a thing.

Second, healing is a natural process which takes time. If you try to shortcut this process, you will not be able to fully heal.

I did this by entering a relationship when I was not fully healed from the BPD and the relationship suffered. I thought that the relationship would help me heal or forget about the pain that I had. It didn't -- in some ways, it made the pain worse. I was fortunate to be with a wonderful, patient woman who was willing to fight for the relationship.

They say that healing from a relationship takes one year -- if the relationship was quite dysfunctional (only you can tell that), I'd recommend even longer. You need to re-establish your sense of self, which takes time.

Healing Is A Decision

The only way that you'll heal from your wounds is if you commit to healing from them. You can feel the pain, relive the pain and dwell in the pain, but you must eventually move yourself out of this pain. You must make the decision to heal, and not to dwell in the pain for too long, letting it overcome you. If you do, you'll end up suffering from depression and other stress related illnesses.

Read the earliest posts in this blog -- while they're only two dimensional and don't show the full pain that I was feeling, you'll get an idea about the pain that I was having. I got through that pain by committing to healing. I'm not proud of all of the entries that you read in this blog -- some of them show just how screwed up and lost I was when the relationship ended.

You Will Have Scars

When I was having this discussion whether time heals wounds, one person commented, "some wounds leave scars."

They do leave scars, but scars are fully healed wounds. You can look at the scar and remember what wounded you, how it felt, and how you healed. You have healed from that scar, though. It can't be re-opened - that wound is gone and is now a scar.

Time can help heal any wound, but you must commit to healing it.

My Kids and The BPD

When you're in a relationship with a BPD, you know that things are strange. You don't realize how out-of-whack it is until you hear from your children, years later, about what the BPD was telling them:

"She [the BPD] said that you were cheating on her with another woman."

That's where the line is drawn. Say what you want to me. Say something like that to my kid and we're DONE.

I didn't hear this until the BPD and were long over--at least one year over, if not more. If I had known that she had said such things to my kids, things would have changed immediately.

Getting yourself out of these kinds of situations are tough, but you need to draw the line. When I heard this, I was furious. Absolutely furious.

The BPD said one time that my kids are a bunch of mental patients. They're not -- they're actually quite well-adjusted and are top-of-their class in terms of academics and intelligence.

It doesn't matter. She said that about my kids. I loved on her kids like there was no tomorrow, overcompensating for the girls' losing their father and unstable mother.

The BPD had a good relationship overall with the kids. They liked her overall, she interacted well with them, but she clearly had times where she stepped over lines that she should not. Again, such as shame.

Be careful of Borderlines and stepping over these boundaries. Have clear boundaries; if the BPD in your life steps over them, have actions that you are willing to take in response to this.

My kids know that the BPD had issues -- they know the 'crazy eyes'. Ironically, since my youngest daughter was about two, we used to say to her "give me crazy eyes" and she could make the wild-eyed look that they have.

Now that she's ten, she has stopped having that ability.

Her eyes can only be normal now.