They hurt you, they treated you poorly, they took a part of you, but you still love them.
It's been relatively little time (maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe three), and the Borderline is in a new relationship. Maybe they've told you, maybe you just discovered it, but they're with someone new. They're sleeping with a new partner, and they no longer have any interest in you.
What happened?
BPDs Are Insecure Creatures That Need Someone
I'm generalizing here, but I need to describe the way that many borderlines act. Because borderlines are such insecure creatures and lack self-identity, they need someone to complete them. If they're with another person, they feel like they're fulfilled.
When you were with the borderline, you filled this need. They recognize that you filled this need, but borderlines are parasitic in nature. They take all of their partner, then move on to the next partner where they will repeat their patterns of drama, initial infatuation then devaluation, and ultimately moving on.
Borderlines are in constant conflict internally -- they want someone to complete them, but they don't think that they deserve adoration or love, because they loathe themselves so much.
I remember saying to the borderline after one of our fights, when she was acting insecure and clearly having large issues, "why do you continue acting like that?"
Her response (I don't remember exactly)? "I've always felt like I deserved to be alone, and this may make you go so I'll be alone again."
So, they have a constant internal battle -- they don't love themselves and don't think that they deserve love, yet they need that love and adoration to feel fulfilled.
What a miserable life.
Mature Relationships Not Possible With A BPD
In an normal relationship, a couple gets to know one another, builds trust, then begins to mature and grow together. Their relationship matures, and their love grow deeper as they gain new understandings of one another. The will have disagreements and may fight, but arguments and disagreements are settled in a caring and loving manner.
With a borderline relationship, the relationships never mature. Like the movie Groundhog Day
, the Non has the same things happen with a borderline over and over again. The borderline's insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don't know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.Time To Go
This self-loathing, constant Groundhog Day
scenario and world of continual rebuilding makes the borderline create a world of total dysfunction. The world can be so crazy that they eventually feel like something must be wrong with you if you stay in the relationship. Borderlines don't like being broken up with -- it makes them feel unlovable and validates their suspicions that they aren't worthy. So, what do they do?They find someone new. And your heart is broken.
They most likely think about you, and if the relationship doesn't work, they may come back to you, Hoovering you back in. But the cycle will continue.
At this point, the typical borderline pattern of abuse has started. Get out. It's not going to end the way you want -- you will not sail off into the sunset with your borderline, unless she admits her problems and gets help.
It's tough, but borderlines move on easily because you have filled a part for them. Now they've found someone else to fill that part, and they don't need you any more.
In upcoming posts, we'll cover what the borderline does for you. The adoration you got -- how it made you feel, and how it's actually a flaw in you that needs to be addressed.
