Healing takes a long time, especially when you have suffered verbal and physical abuse in a relationship. I'm now over two years out of the relationship, yet I still harbor scars.
A couple of nights ago, a scar came out. I had a dream about the BPD.
Images of Healing while Still Harboring Pain
In the dream, I saw her (the Borderline Personality Disordered woman whom I was in the relationship with) and we said hello to one another. She was quite distant and wouldn't look me in the eye. She was wearing a man's outfit (most likely the outfit of the person that she is now with), and we exchanged pleasantries. I, of course, wanted to see how she was and see how things were.
I remember trying to talk with her for a couple of minutes but she said very little, then eventually responded with, "I'm done with you."
The interaction that I had in the dream wasn't really with the BPD. We obviously spoke, but did not really talk of anything meaningful. It was with her daughters.
Victims of a Borderline: More Than Just Partners
I've written about the girls before, from posts where I wrote about Missing the Girls to writing about When the Girls First Met My Kids. While I've pretty much healed from the relationship and the chains of addiction that the BPD had on me have been broken, I still miss the girls dearly and worry about them.
The girls were so sweet and so pure. Spending so much time with them, putting so much of my time into them bonded us quite closely. I'm the kind of person that believes in quality time and values this time above all other, so I put quite a bit of time into them. I helped with homework, read books, and put them to bed every night.
When the relationship first ended, I was too hurt from the relationship to really think about the girls; clearly, based on my posts, I thought about them and missed them, but the loss has continued while the loss of the BPD has gone away in time.
In the dream, I saw each of the girls who were sitting next to one another. I hugged each of them, and I told them how I've missed them so much and that I loved them and will always love them. They both cried and told me that they missed me. Strangely, they hadn't aged.
Still Learning
I continue to learn about how I'm healing and how to deal with different parts of this loss. The dream taught me a number of important things: That I still miss the girls; that I'm not worried about the BPD; and that I harbor a lot of anxiety about when I actually will run into the BPD.
We live about 20 miles away from one another, but some day, our paths will cross where we will be face-to-face. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous about such a thing -- I would never worry about past relationships, but I am. I think this is because you just don't know what you're going to get when dealing with a borderline, if it will be an amicable interaction or if she will be crazy and start accusing me of things. Or, she could call the police after I saw her and tell them that I was stalking her. You just don't know.
This is why I've worked hard to avoid the borderline. When I saw her, instead of saying hello, I avoided her. Because the situation is so unknown, you just don't know what she is going to do. Who wants to go into a situation that could be volatile? When one is addicted to a borderline, they're more willing to take a chance (depending on the depth of the addiction); however, now, avoiding the situation is best.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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I'm realizing that this healing process is going to take a lot longer than I want adn expect. I shared this yesterday with the therapist about how mad I was that I have to excert all this energy into 'avoiding' her while she's off screwing someone else and will (maybe) try to contact me again in the future and how I realize how much of a struggle it will still be (despite all I know) to not go there...not go there...not go there. I hate that most! I can logically reason out but when it comes to my heart....I'm a freakin dead ship in the water, there will always be the allure of wonderful sex mascarading as stepping stones to a wonderful life outside the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteYour last two paragraphs really hit the nail on the head though...I would never worry about past relationships... is so true, so why do I worry about this one? Because it was as exciting as it was miserable, her saying she loved me polorized her hating and ignoring me, to the point of getting the police involved. The fact that each time we managed to get back together it was "impossible", friends would look at us and be like "really", of course I'm sure I'm the villian with most of them so when we are not together she is highly reinforced...I've mentioned the pattern of use, never more than 4 months on (still unstable, hence the constant allurement) and 2-3 months off for two years. The two month mark off is approaching and I'm filled equally with as much anxiety (and hope, see my addiction runs deep) that she will contact me or show up as I am about her finally being done with me and now focusing on this new relationship (as done as she can be until that doen't work out and whtever other factors will attribute to her trying to connect to me).
It's sad and pathetic because I feel all these things about a woman who could not truly love me, abused me, that I sacrificed so much of myself all for a LIE!