Was it something you did (or didn't do)?
Did you do something that made your ex break up with you? Could you apologize and heal the relationship? If you can, then apologize and behave yourself in the future. In instances like this, a phone call is good. Call the person, apologize and tell them how important they are to you.
Did you not do something that you should have done? Did you miss an important birthday or holiday or event? Did you not pay enough attention to the other person and now you need to learn how to get your ex back? Figure this out. If you don't feel like you could have done something, then try some of the other approaches below.
If you can't apologize and heal the relationship, then see if there are other things to get them back. Sometimes you can begin seeing another person and jealousy will work, but I wouldn't recommend this tact. This could also push the person away -- for good.
Pride: The Greatest Gift & Worst Curse
Our pride often keeps us from getting too hurt. It also can keep us from realizing the pain we have put on others. See if your pride has gotten in the way of the truth; see if you were just being too proud and lost somebody because of this foolish pride.
They're Just Not That Into You
You may also realize that the person is simply not into you. They don't find you attractive or they have mentally moved on. If this is the case, it's time to move on. You then need to begin healing and making yourself feel better. Look at some of the posts in this blog, particularly the posts on healing, writing goodbye letters to lovers, and other exercises to get yourself through a tumultuous relationship.
Get The Help That You Need
Breakups are tough. They hurt, sometimes worse than you would ever expect. You're with someone for such a long time, sharing your hopes and dreams, then *poof* they're gone. It can be bad.
If you're feeling real bad, you may want to talk to a counselor to work through the feelings. If these feelings last too long, you may want to see a psychiatrist for medication.
Also, I recommend that you keep your spiritual side strong. Go back to church and talk to a pastor. People in church recognize that we are broken individuals, so you'll have people to share your world with, if you wish. If you don't, you can simply sit and listen. A spiritual foundation is quite important.
Do You Really Want To Get Them Back?
Don't forget that they're just people. They're human, and there are others in this world that are just as good, if not better, for you. There's a reason why your relationship was so broken, so don't forget that. Let yourself seriously ponder if you really want them back. If you do, then go after them.
You can get your ex back. You can get your ex boyfriend back. You can get your ex girlfriend back. You need to decide whether it's even worthwhile, though.
Reading Recommendations
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
How To Survive The Loss of a Love
Grieving the Loss of a Loved One
I thought after the borderline left that I did want her back. Then tonight I found out that she had recently contacted a friend of mine that she barely knew and with in five minutes told him she had been seeing a nice guy for the last 2 months (as I suspected) and it hasn't eve been two months since she brome things off! Ah tis the nature of the borderline though, can never be alone. Mine probably has not not been in a relationship or at least sleeping with someone for the past 10 years, sick and sad. I was never as special to her as I thought, I'm sure she shared and did the same things with all of them....
ReplyDeleteI am a 41 year old woman with BPD, two kids and a separated husband (1 year now). I broke up with him after a tumultuous 18 year relationship, the rollercoaster primarily due to my BPD traits. My specific traits (I have 6 out of 9) included an inability to pinpoint my wants and needs because the fear of being alone prevented me from realizing that this man and I are not compatible. I am still trying to "get it together" and with professional help and support from loved ones (including my ex) I will get there. After 3 months of separation, he began seeing another woman. After 7 months they went travelling together. We have not even got a formal separation agreement yet. I was very torn apart by his quick and easy turn around and focus on his new relationship. I understand that he needs this, since I caused him to feel rejected when I left him. I don't begrudge him a new partner, but it does hurt. I am not ready to be in a new relationship yet - I have fundamental challenges with ADLs (activities of daily living) including shared care of our kids and trying to retrain in a new career. I would love to have a significant other with whom I could share intimate moments! But I am not ready, psychologically, financially, or time management-wise. I am finding loneliness consolation through the few friends I have, numerous acquaintances, getting out in public as much as possible, and of course interacting with my kids and providing the opportunity for them to have playdates. Just wanted to let you know that not all people with BPD who are lonely run into new relationships just because we are needy. Please don't assume that some BPD behaviours are universal. There are always differences between people with this disorder and how they express the disorder in behaviour.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, I certainly am not geralizing across the board that all borderlines (sorry I'm stearotyping but I have been through hell and back with my addiction to her with a false of love for her). In this case however it is her pattern...even before when months when months went by where I couldn't even think about being with someone else she was off flaunting her new guy! That and when we would get back together and I she would admit to me about being with other men (usually because she would question what I had been doing with my solely female friends, even asked me if I slept with a coworker friend of mine?), she would say, "you know I can't be alone and hey I was single and missing you." Yeah she threw out the 'incompatibilty line to me this last time, right before she drove over to her new lovers place to do him as she put it to me...
It is very interesting to hear this frequent finding with the behaviour of ex-borderline partners. I have a theory about this, and the possibility that this is over-reported. The desperate rushing to be with another lover that some people with BPD exhibit appears very callous and superficial to others (it does to me too!). Perhaps this is why most of the non-BPD people write about it on blogs like this. They obviously have been traumatized and seek mutual understanding from others who have endured this. This can lead to the impression that this type of behaviour is the norm. I don't have much experience with many BPD people, but I know at least 3 (including myself) who become hermits, rather than the opposite. However, this type of behaviour will not be discussed on blogs because it doesn't hurt the ex partner as much as the "addictive intimacy" seeking behaviour does. Unfortunately, with so many of you devasted victims all sharing very similar experiences, it is easy to draw the conculsion that: "this must be typical BPD behaviour!". I believe that there are typical causes and typical traits, but not all BPD people will express, for example, the fear of abandonment and fear of being alone in the same way. I completely share the disgust and disapproval non-disordered people have for this bad behaviour, but I wonder if for every badly behaving (manipulative, insensitive, unwilling to change or admit problems) BPD person, there is also one more like me - reserved, self-blaming, empathetic, somewhat introspective and reticent to engage in new relationships until we undergo sufficient psychotherapy and get properly medicated. We just don't get written about because we are not hurting anyone else anymore.
ReplyDeleteI want to get my ex boyfriend back. He has BPD and getting back isn't going to be as easy as it would with a "normal" guy. He broke up with me because although he feels love for me, he doesn't believe it to be real. What do I do? He's my everything and I don't want to be without him. How can I get him back in a relationship with me?
ReplyDeleteMy ex girlfriend who has bpd and I recently broke up after dating over a year and a half and living together over a year. In the past year I was able to convince her to see a therapist while taking Cymbalta and a mood stabilizer. During the year she made progress and towards the end of 2010 she decided she did not need to go to therapy any longer and also stopped taking her medications. After the break up and within 5 days she went to live with an old guy friend on his military base in his barracks. The next day making him her bf and four days later came back to our home to pick up her remaining stuff and leave to go back to him saying she was unhappy and couldnt be with someone she felt didnt trust her. Also saying what did I expect bc she couldnt be alone and he was there for her. Since then I have had trouble letting go and moving on, and even though I know this is normal for only being three weeks ago I worry for her. I have done a lot of research on BPD and realize even though she may not be acting like it she is hurting and I find myself hoping we can possibly be together one day. In any case I want her to get help to stabilize herself and have a shot at a happy future free of this disorder controlling her. I really feel like we had a strong real connection and I lost a part of myself when she did all this and left bc we did have plans of spending our lives together and marrying. I want to remain in contact with her but don't know if I should or should I fight the urge and see if she tries to contact me again. She has a couple times and as recently as last week called to say she misses me and was confused. I know her rebound relationship may not last that long but I am unsure as to how I should interact with her for the time being, and then after when she becomes single or interested in getting back together??
ReplyDeleteI have Borderline Personality Disorder and I have only just realised after breaking up with my ex partner who I have been with for three years and have a child with, that I display every behaviour you would see in my condition. I needed him so desperately and was constantly pushing him away and reeling him back in. I never knew I was doing this at all, I thought it was him being distant and not wanting me!
ReplyDeleteHe's not perfect though, he hid me for the first year and a half because he was seeing other women, I did not display any of the behaviours during that time because I thought he was perfect. After that I hated him at times then he was the best thing that ever happened to me the next.
I attempted suicide 8 times last year, landing me in hospital and one time police restrained me and took me to a mental institution which they rejected me telling me I needed to be on my own. Now I get why...
I'm so confused though, if I didn't love him then why on earth does it feel like that? The loss is unbearable and I self harm in different ways every day just to cope. Also my bulimia is back with a vengeance and I thought I beat it for good.
I think I know I didnt love him he just soothed the pain I felt but it's made me feel worthless to find out I am not capable of loving a person because I'm so focused on my pain. I have always ignored friends since the age of 5 and they try so hard to see me but now I get it's cos I don't feel any point in seeing them cos all I'm interested in is soothing the pain. I feel like the most horrible person in the world and although I love my child, if there was a way of committing suicide where I would not survive this time then I would do it no question asked because all I do is hurt people with my behaviour
Was good and close friends with a BPD for about a year. We had events occur where trust seemed to be an issue. Minor things get twisted, and there is some abondonment issue there. Anyway, a month ago she split me black. She had lost two other long-time friends about the same time and her BPD was full blown. She had a recent break-up too. Im just wondering the best way to reconnect if its even possible. I think it will take some time, but Id like some feedback as to a good method of keeping her engaged and knowing I am here for her still. Any thoughts or ideas? She has ignored my last 2 twxt messages taking place over about a months time. The last time she responses saying we are no longer friends and I dont need to keep texting her. Anyway, I said previously I wanted to take a break from our friendship because I felt she needed healing and wanted to reconnect at a future date. She took this as abondonment and rejection. I feel really bad as I appear to have lost a close friend. Its hard to get her out of my mind and I just want to try and at least be an acquantance and a supportive friend. thoughts
ReplyDeleteForget them...they will NEVER heal. Yes, that is a blanket statement, and it's been made by several DR.'s, professionals, etc.
ReplyDeleteI was told my marriage wasn't a "commitment" we made, but a "risk" I took. Sweet!!!
Sometimes people get what they deserve.
This is sad but true
DeleteSooner or later, the chances are that your boyfriend will contact you. Get Your Boyfriend Back
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing nice article on ex back.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck