I've been out of the relationship with the borderline for nearly 2-1/2 years. Most bad memories are going away. They're mostly gone, but I need to admit that I still carry big scars from the relationship.
I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.
All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.
Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.
Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."
Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.
Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.
In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
21 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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I used to wonder why I was so different, felt different, and started to think differently while I was with (and after) my relationship with my bpd boyfriend. I couldn't get his weird accusations, belittling or devaluing comments out of my head. I shut down and stopped talking to people for months. I cried and cried. I didn't understand how someone can make you feel such love, and then say and do the meanest things. Then they say you're responsible for it. I've been out for about 9 months and it's just STARTING to get better. I realized I probably had some PTSD. It is truly an awful illness for everyone involved and it's so unstable that you become like it. You start waiting for the other shoe to drop while yearning for the love that they also show. Then you start believing what they say about you and questioning every move you make. It's really just sad and anyone around bpd or who loves someone with bpd will probably need some a lot of time and possible therapy to work through it all. I was so devalued for no reason that it leaves some weird scars.
ReplyDeletei was married to one for 3 years, i had kids with her and the damage she did to me and the kids is just outrageous, how can one just leave their kids like she did and do some of the things she did to me. She left a year ago and I still have all the memories that she left me with and i dont know how to fix them.
ReplyDeleteHi, my name is Crystal. I know this is a bit different than the couple of stories I have read because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It is really an eye opener to see how harmful we (those with BPD) can be in a relationship. I am 21 y/o and I have been dating the most wonderful man for four and a half months.
ReplyDeleteI have tried to create a healthy relationship, but lately I have been falling into a destructive cycle. A.K.A. I nitpick every little thing he says and then get hurt or upset. I don't mean to and I don't know how to stop.
Every couple of weeks or so I break down. Saying things like "I can't do this" and "I'm not ready for a relationship." Because I don't want to go down that painful path again.
He being the patient, steady, and happy person he naturally is able to calm me down. But I feel as if I get hurt now almost every time I see him.
The truth is I scared of myself, and how I will affect him. I don't want him to be sad because of me.
I know how selfish and rude I can be, and I don't want him to be hurt.
After reading several sites about BPD relationships, I broke up with him this morning. I am not sure if this is the mature decision or if it is made out of selfishness and fear.
I need help to become more stable before I can become a whole healthy half of a relationship.
I'm so terribly sad because we are both hurting now and I am not sure what to do to fix myself.
I'm late but I think I am also suffering from PTSD. I was with my BPD gf for two years before I realized that I didn't trust her emotionally, and even though I wanted to be there for her, everything she said (love me or hate me) boiled down to her BPD and I had no idea what was genuine between us.
ReplyDeleteI ended it by cutting off all contact, and I'm beginning to think I'm suffering from PTSD, symptoms of which began to manifest way before we broke up. The most obvious side effect is that I have developed some SERIOUS fears.
I've always had a mild fear of the dark, but over the last few months it has escalated to the point where I can't walk through my own house, where I've lived for years, without turning on all of the lights. I have to sleep with a lamp on, where before the glow from the streetlights was enough. If I don't have enough light, I have a serious panic attack.
I have also developed a fear of being alone, which is crazy because I am an only child and also work as a nanny, which requires me to be home alone with the baby. I feel a fear that is tangible and causes me to constantly look over my shoulder while I'm at work and take the baby with me everywhere. I am also beginning to suspect that I'm having auditory hallucinations, because I hear noises all the time and nothing is ever there. This causes me to feel panicky in silence.
I feel terror now about going to new places, as well. Before this relationship, I used to LOVE going to new places alone. I went to New Orleans alone, flew to Indiana alone when I was only 12, even went to Las Vegas alone at 17.
Now I am planning a solo trip to Vegas for New Years and I feel paralyzed by fear thinking about it. When I went home to DC for Thanksgiving, I felt scared somebody was going to try and rape or rob me, even though it's my hometown and I have never been hurt there in my life.
I basically feel like she destroyed my trust, to the point where I am afraid... of EVERYTHING. Could this be PTSD? I don't know what to do.
I've been told that I changed after I married my husband. I used to be adventurous. I want me back. I get so upset when I think about it. I feel robbed. I just want to feel safe, but then safe bores the hell out of me. I shun adventures because I don't trust myself not to get myself in another painful situation. The pain is incredible. Knowing I'm not alone helps me realize it's not my fault, although I know only I have the power to help myself recover.
ReplyDeleteMy bestfriend said to me after the split from my BPD gf, that in the 6yrs that we were together she watched me disappear. She was right, I ended up putting so much of myself into that relationship, that I ceased to exist. Now that we have been split for six weeks and she is sleeping with the neighbor (10 days after we split), I feel like a member of the walking dead. I am but a shell of who I used to be. I feel shell shocked. It's hard to believe that one person can degrade you to the point where you are suffering from PTSD. Will I ever recover?
ReplyDeleteThe strongest of us NonBPDs that think we are not affected by the BPDs throws are misguided I think. I went through this myself and detached while still with the BPD then SPLIT once I felt I could be cold enough to walk away. Everything fell into place as planned however the ripple effect of what she did to my personality and persona are still carried today 6 months later and I was only with this person for a year....
ReplyDeleteI split from my BPD husband after ten years. It's been a couple of years now and I've dated a bit but now whenever things start to move in a serious direction I panic. I'm so afraid that I haven't changed enough to keep from disappearing again. How do I know if I'm repeating a relationship pattern or not. With my ex, things were so great at first. Now when I'm dating someone and things are going well, I can't help thinking I'm only at the top of the slide. It's hard to trust that I will protect my sense of self this time around.
ReplyDeleteIt has only been a week since me and my bpd partner broke up, and we were only together for 6 months, but I feel in a state of trauma and shock. I am terrified during the night, waking up in cold sweats, hearing noises (that I can't even trust) and even running into my flatmates room becasue I was scared I heard an intruder. I am having horrible graphic and quite violent dreams/images at night that wake me up suddenly, and i am always looking in the street or on my way home in the dark imagining someone around the corner. My ex was never violent, just verbally abusive, and I don't actually think he wants to harm me, or have anything to do with me right now,but I feel so shaken by the whole experience, questioning everything that was ever done or said, wondering if anything was real or the way i saw it at the time, I think it is this complete disorientation that has left me traumatised. Of course it will pass. But I wonder what the scars are and how to cope with this at the moment. Does anyone have any words of advice? I am finding it very dificult to have others understand, even close friends, as it is such a surreal experience..
ReplyDeletewelcome to the elite group of survivors,the hard part comes with a simple statement "let it go" but that will come with time, after we live with such persons we forgot about ourselves, and we must find ourselves again, get in touch with friends and family (the people that usually know who we are) is a great first step, i can admit some scars will remain, but we must take thoses as lessons, so in the future we could see the red flags if they appear... get self educated about this disorder will help also, they key after a break up knowing the fact that you were with a BPD individual is NO CONTACT ever, they may cry, beg or just pretend this time it's about you, but trust me, is not...its always about them and what they need from you, your feelings wont matter once so ever, dont hate them, they are sick people, and if we falled for them once or twice was because they can be very charming, but that's the way this disorder works... the bad part is that most of them wont never look for help and the sad one is that those who actually does have very few realistic chances of healing because of many factors, like they need support groups of their relatives for example, and most of them dont have a strong family ties to hold on to...the point is...u can't fix them, its a shame, but its the brutal truth... now i know its sucks cause we all had the best intemptions with them and wanted to give them everything, but hei... shit happens, u are alive, with some scars yes, but still alive, out there are still good decent people who can love you for whom you are and they will treat you with respect, stay strong, take your time, stay focused on your health, on what you want, on what makes you happy and eventually success will come to you, it took about 2 and half years for me to realize that life goes on after living 3 years with a bpd woman... and i forgave myself (that was the harder part for me) for letting another person to walk all over me they way she did, forgiving her was way more easy... but trust me life goes on, im a stronger man now... and all those fears will disappear from your head once you start to find yourself again... im not a religious freak but i know god exist since she showed me the devil...stay strong. peace.
DeleteI have never been very religious or believed in evil, but I found myself at the age of 44 saying to myself that I thought I had actually been touched by something evil. I couldn't find any other way to describe the relationship with my partner. The deceitfullness and splitting left me a shell. I felt badly thinking that way about her because she meant everything to me, but I couldn't find any other way to describe it. And being a woman myself I felt that I should understand and I didn't. It has been 3 yrs since that 6 yr relationship and I am just realizing now that I still continue to chase that high you get from the adoration that comes from a BPD. It is an addiction I'm just now beginning to understand.
ReplyDeleteI happen to be the mother-in-law of a BPD. His accusations have scarred me, and my daughter has dumped all family and friends. I'm depressed, and feel unjustly vilified. I'm worried about my daughter and their son. And I feel that there is nothing I can do.
ReplyDeleteI've been away from a BDP relationship now for three years. I started dating a guy about 4 months ago and he seems great. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week, because that's what I want. After ending the BDP relationship, my home is my safe place; alone is my safe space. I prefer being home and alone to most things.
ReplyDeleteRecently I spent a 3 day weekend with four people, including myself. It was fun but I needed a couple of days alone to regroup. I realize now that I get anxious when I have to spend a lot of time with people. I never used to be like that. I've always valued my alone time, but now I have to talk myself into hanging out with people.
I don't understand this. I have many friends I feel safe with, and yet nothing feels as safe as home alone.
I admire what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that this is working for you as well.
ReplyDeleteTreatment
My therapist recommended the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Reading it, it seemed like the author had been observing my relationship. It was an eye opener. I then started reading other books on the topic. They were all helpful; if for no other reason to know that I wasn't alone in my experience.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone, I've read all of your post and it's good to know that someone can relate to what you've experienced. I relate a lot to what has been said. It has been 7 years since I have been removed from my BPD relationship and I still struggle with uncomfortable feelings. I was with my BPD girlfriend for a year and a half before we split. I went into that relationship not knowing of bpd and she was undiagnosed but I could tell something was not right. She described herself as weird and emo and mentioned her strained relationship with her mother growing up. They were not on speaking terms when we were together. As I mentioned, I knew something was not right. Whenever I tried to communicate my needs, she would shut down, ignore, threaten to cut me off, play victim, and be dismissive. She did all of this when all I needed was honesty and understanding. Even when I told her that's all I needed I was still me with resistance. She often answered direct questions with blanket answers such as being emotional and young but nothing that provided understanding. I think I abandoned myself when I continued to try with her as I believed her defensive responses towards me were due to a misunderstanding. When she first cut me off, I went through a four month period of depression and anxiety followed by a 3 year period of numbing and could not cry. I have been grieving the past four years and the scars are still there although I have made a lot of progress and I feel closer to healing. I continue to experience anxiety, changes in mood and lack trust in myself and women at times. I was not like this before her and I have been extremely guarded afraid to allow someone in. I have made a pact with myself to not get in a relationship until fully healed as I'm afraid to repeat the same mistake and I also feel it would be unfair to the other person for the current state I'm in. The progress I have made, I've realized I have been angry at myself and must continue to grieve and forgive. My advice: show yourself empathy and compassion as I know it is easy to beat yourself up. Take as much time you need to heal, be patient and understand that your scars are a result of someone that was deprived of love, respect, and understanding. Give those things to yourself. Be blessed
ReplyDeleteI’m having that “evil” thought right now. I was with the bpd woman for a year. Very on & off. I’ve been describing the behavior the whole time and baffled as to how it doesn’t get better and how she never takes any responsibility. Then I finally learned about bpd & everything makes so much more sense. We just had a dramatic breakup a couple days ago, during which she was verbally and physically abusive. Tonight she sent me a msg detailing the amazing sex she is having to try to hurt me a deeply as possible. It worked:(.
ReplyDeleteI was in a relationship with a BPD male for 2 years. I broke up with him in April of this year (2018) after catching him trying to meet up with one of his ex girlfriends while I was at work. You see, this was the second time this happened. The first time he cheated on me six months in with his OTHER ex girlfriend who found me on his social media and told me everything! with pictures of him laying in bed to prove it! -SMH!- After I confronted him about it, he denied it and dismissed his ex as if she was crazy. He pleaded and begged, and cried on his knees that he will never do it again! I forgave him only so he could do it over and over again. This man has admitted to degrading me so he could fracture my self esteem so that i would be completely dependent on him and not leave him and thats just a fraction of what I had endured for the 2 years plus. He is now painting the picture that he is a changed man and tells me everything under the sun that he thinks I want to hear! A part of me loves him but a part of me is scared of him because I have seen his ugly side and am afraid of what he is capable of doing. Ive never been in love before but also know that this can not MUST NOT be love! Im almost this close to losing faith that there are good men out there with decent values and good sense of character.
ReplyDeleteFor now I must be alone and do the work necessary to heal and learn to love and depend on myself after being stripped from this selfish man with no sympathy!
Confused, traumatized and damaged.
ReplyDeleteI am recovering from a 3 year relationship with a BPD man. We had been friends over 20 years before dating. I had no idea as a friend why his relationships always failed. Until I was in a relationship with him.
In the beginning it was a love movie in the making but I always questioned how long it would last. I got my answer. After we moved in together. He convinced me that we were going to spend our lives together and had to buy cars and toys to begin our lives. All under my credit since his “exes” destroyed his. Then it started with the arguments over nothing. I am not a confrontational person but he brought out reactions and feelings during these arguments that I made me feel like I was actually crazy. There was no effect in communicating as it only made worse. If I walked away from the argument I was ignoring him. I could do NOTHING right. It broke me down more than my alcoholic ex husband. Finally he raged and split and told me to get out.
I took the opportunity to move out. Unfortunately, we had started a business together and he guilt tripped me to continue helping with his books. I suffered another 9 months of mind games despite the hundreds of times I told him to find a bookkeeper. I was his slave.
Then finally. Him a 43 man met a 26 year old single mom who he could buy with trips to Mexico and lavish gifts. And I was no longer of importance cause she now took all his attention. I was finally free. But still shelled out as the person I once was. She got to benefit from his pretend lifestyle while I suffered his abuse. But yet I doubt my self worth because he will never appreciate the pain I endured for him. I know it has created PTSD in me that I have had treated with medications and therapy. Still working on rebuilding. But inhte how I let him destroy me like that. I have to rebuild my credit, my life and my emotional liveliness.
Inside I know it’s a matter of time before his life crashes, he’s not paying taxes, not paying bills and his insecurities will soon enough destroy every relationship he ever has.
Confused, traumatized and damaged.
ReplyDeleteI am recovering from a 3 year relationship with a BPD man. We had been friends over 20 years before dating. I had no idea as a friend why his relationships always failed. Until I was in a relationship with him.
In the beginning it was a love movie in the making but I always questioned how long it would last. I got my answer. After we moved in together. He convinced me that we were going to spend our lives together and had to buy cars and toys to begin our lives. All under my credit since his “exes” destroyed his. Then it started with the arguments over nothing. I am not a confrontational person but he brought out reactions and feelings during these arguments that I made me feel like I was actually crazy. There was no effect in communicating as it only made worse. If I walked away from the argument I was ignoring him. I could do NOTHING right. It broke me down more than my alcoholic ex husband. Finally he raged and split and told me to get out.
I took the opportunity to move out. Unfortunately, we had started a business together and he guilt tripped me to continue helping with his books. I suffered another 9 months of mind games despite the hundreds of times I told him to find a bookkeeper. I was his slave.
Then finally. Him a 43 man met a 26 year old single mom who he could buy with trips to Mexico and lavish gifts. And I was no longer of importance cause she now took all his attention. I was finally free. But still shelled out as the person I once was. She got to benefit from his pretend lifestyle while I suffered his abuse. But yet I doubt my self worth because he will never appreciate the pain I endured for him. I know it has created PTSD in me that I have had treated with medications and therapy. Still working on rebuilding. But inhte how I let him destroy me like that. I have to rebuild my credit, my life and my emotional liveliness.
Inside I know it’s a matter of time before his life crashes, he’s not paying taxes, not paying bills and his insecurities will soon enough destroy every relationship he ever has.
Like waking up from a dream
ReplyDeleteI was with an undiagnosed partner for 8 years. I broke it up 2 years ago, and recently realised through therapy I've been dealing with PTSD. My anxiety is now gone, but fuck its been a rough road.
Constant repetitive scenario's of her absolute blame, guilt, shame, anger, resentment, and disappointment. The relationship was amazing at times, the pieces fit perfectly, the dream in front of us crystalised, it felt perfect. Then as quickly as it was created, a problem precipitated out of no where, fights escalated, verbal and physical abuse from her occurred, I was suddenly the epitome of everything bad. Lack of acknowledgement, rectification, change was the worst... things just got back to normal and good again, only to rinse and repeat. Yes my own subconsious need to help, care, and please played a part in this, but the subtle way someone like that can hurt you, is incredibly damaging.
The thing that has helped me the most, is accepting that I was not responsible for that persons wellbeing, or the conflict. Genuinely accepting I was always willing to resolve conflict in a peaceful manner, but it never occurring. Passing all of that rubbish back to her, has been a pivotal point in my healing. Then looking at the sadness of it all, is much easier to accept, and as you ALL have said, finding yourself once again, and solidfying my own self worth and needs, to ensure that never fucking happens again.