Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

BPD Stories

They're dwindling again -- the number of BPD stories that I can tell about my relationship are dwindling. I was only in the relationship for two years, and I've been out of it for two and a half years. I can only tell so many stories about a relationship that was only two years old.

Sadly, I can probably tell less stories about my marriage to my ex wife. We were married for 13 years. That's a whole 'nother story.

You Can Recover From a BPD Relationship

The beautiful part of this is that you really can recover from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I've proven it in this blog. I have baggage and scars, but no longer is my psyche shattered and frail from the relationship.

The borderline may rock your world for a while and it may *feel* like you'll never be better again, but you can get through it.

If you do it right, you'll be a better person than when you entered the relationship. It's an opportunity to grow. I've proven it.

Where to Go From Here?

Well, I'll keep writing. I've promised you. I get enough material from your emails (drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com) and comments to continue this for some time. I'll also continue to provide helpful how to's and other tips.

Keep the ideas coming. This blog continues to be great community. Let's keep it that way.

The Race

I recently ran a race called the Muddy Marathon -- it was a course that was the worst thing I've ever run over -- miles of mud bogs, rivers and streams, rocks gardens where your ankle twists multiple times, and hills. Actually, mountains. You have to climb up mountains where you scramble up rock faces, following the person in front of you. Then you go down, and it's just as tough as going up.

I've done quite a few races in my day, but nothing like this.

I can't explain to anyone who didn't go through it how bad it was. I can't explain the feeling I had when I was climbing the rock face -- maybe I should just go down. I can't go down, because there is someone behind me. 


It's tougher to try to go down than it is to finish climbing up. I'm almost there.


I made some huge tactical errors in the race. My water system (a Camelback) was moldy, so I brought no water. I also didn't bring enough food with me anyway.

Can't Explain How Bad It Was To Others

I can't explain to anyone else how bad the race really was. When I describe it to others, I can see that they can understand that it was bad, but not anywhere near as bad as it really was.


Jennie saw me finish the race. When I finished, she saw the mud that was caked on me, up to my thighs, and she saw how long it took me to get it off. She still doesn't understand how bad it really was.

No one that I told understood what I really went through, how I felt, and how the race made me feel. I bonked halfway through the race because of my lack of food and water. No one felt any of those things.

Sound familiar?

BPD Awareness Month & David's Personal BPD Recovery Update

Publisher's Note: David checked in and updated all of us on the status of his BPD relationship recovery. He also provides information on BPD Awareness Month. Thanks David for the update -- and the information on BPD Awareness Month

Well it's been a year now since the final spiral downward in my former relationship with the uBPD after 2 years, I've written about it before but it was the  arguably the worst moment of my life where all my stuff collided head on with all her stuff and effects resonated for 6 more months.

This month will celebrate the 6 month anniversary of the final breakup initiated by her and that lightbulb moment that made me realize my own part in the relationship that was unhealthy. I still miss her though, even realizing that for her nothing has changed just that she's with another man.

BPD Awareness Month Update

By Act of the U.S. House of Representatives,

MAY is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month*

To learn more about BPD visit the National Education Alliance for

Borderline Personality Disorder at www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com,

or the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org.

“It is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering

from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals and the

general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection

and effective treatments.”

*H. RES 1005, PASSED 4/1/08

Back to David's BPD Recovery Update

As for me I'm slowly getting used to the single life, I've unsuccessfully dated but I'm getting back out there. I'm setting goals for myself, am giving the car free life a try and wrangling in my finances. I'm planning a trip to East Asia, getting more involved with my church, I hardly drink anymore, I am no longer the man I was before or during the time I was with the uBPD. I'm developing a healthy persona and facing my fears even though it sucks sometimes (ok, most of the time but it will get better). I still have deep emotions for her (but then again I was addicted) but I'm facing my part.
 
I figure I have 1.5 years left to truly be over her but the hardest part is over...

Great work, David. Keep the faith, and be sure to keep checking in and providing status updates...

200 Posts!

This blog has reached yet another milestone -- it now has over 200 posts on it, mostly about recovering from a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, mostly...

I know that I sometimes digress and put song lyrics in here, stories about my personal life and family, but jeez, don't we need something besides the same ole, same ole? Try to keep it interesting...

Some have told me that I should make my blog posts shorter so I have more content. Others have told me to stop blogging. Many others have told me to keep going.

I'm still going, as we can see. Thanks to Jennie for being my number one fan. A much lesser person would have been so insanely jealous that she never could have stomached me writing about another relationship, my feelings then and now, and my brutal honesty. I appreciate her support and encouragement and will be grateful for my lifetime.

Not Always a Pleasant Road

This blog has had its ups and downs. After I first met Jennie, I was going to shut the blog down, and I actually didn't post for a couple of months. I still had healing to do and had to keep it going. So I did.

I've written many times before that the main reason that I keep going is because of your comments. This is true, but sometimes I get not-so-pleasant comments along with the pleasant comments. The worst one I've ever gotten is below. I never published it because of the curses (I'm not able to edit comments -- I either need to publish them as is or reject them):

You stupid, bitter man. Your blog is sh**. It's unbelivable how you think there's nothing wrong with you.

Do you really think borderline is incapable of empathy? Do some f***ing research. Some of them are, some of them are not. 

Why do you think borderline cuts? Why do you think borderline hates herself more than anything? BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE HAS TO CARRY ALL TO GUILT _BECAUSE OF F***ING PROJECTION_. It goes that way, too. She blames others too, yes. But deep inside she thinks everything about her is just so wrong. You are just too selfish to understand that. 

And I don't give a f*** about the fact that you're not going to publish this.


So, first, I did publish this whomever-you-are. In the future, please email me if I'm missing something. You needn't be so nasty in your emails, but your identity is hidden, so I guess you can be passive aggressive. I hope you feel much better after sending such a nasty email as this.


So that was the worst one -- but overall, it's been such a wonderful ride. I get to hear from each of you, and read about each of you and your stories -- they're all so different, but so much the same.

In the end, we were all hurting so badly, so in need of help, a lifeline, anything to get us out of the abyss of a BPD partner.

I'm not a doctor, do not provide professional advice, but I am a kindred spirit. I've been there. I've hurt. I've gotten myself out of the abyss and have dealt with the pain that we have all felt. It sucks.

200 posts later, I'm much better.

The future will continue to see more BPD recovery. I may expand the community to include new websites, such as www.mybpdrecovery.com and www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, where I may open up forums and link into more resources for those recovering from a relationship with a borderline.

The ride continues. Enjoy it.

Relationship Recovery Step 1: Feel The Pain

When you get out of a BPD Relationship, it hurts like no other. The pain you feel is, well, quite painful.

You feel like you've been knocked down, and all of your efforts, all of your accepting the unacceptable, were in vain.

All you want is that person back in your life. You know, if they are BPD, that it's the worst thing for you. You'll be abused emotionally, maybe physically, definitely verbally. Your standards, whatever you believe in, will be thrown out the window.

Yet you want them back.

They say that the most normal person -- the person who has it all together -- can be taken apart by someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. The reason is simple.

Borderlines are perceptive. They know people. They're supersensitive, so they are sensitive to your needs. That's probably why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Unfortunately, they're not fully developed, and their disorder precludes them from developing fully, or usually so they can get to a place where they can be in a fully functional relationship.

How to Feel The Pain

Before covering how you can feel the pain, we must first cover how you will not feel the pain. If you start:

• Drinking alcohol excessively
• Taking drugs
• Partying way too much
• Dating someone else right away
• Exercising in excess
• Doing anything in excess -- way way too much

...you won't feel the pain. Please understand that doing many of these things, such as exercising, is actually quite good for you. However, when done in excess, they become problematic.

Now, there is a time to avoid the pain, but only if you eventually deal with it. There are times when things are so bad, or you think that they are, that you just can't deal with them. If you feel like this, then go out with your friends, let them relax. I remember that when the BPD and I first split, my friends took me out to the local bar and grille then introduced me to the staff. "You're gonna love this place," they pumped me up. I have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

When the time comes, you will need to really fill the pain. Believe me, it hurts. It will take time, and when you're in it, it will feel like a long time.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in retrospect, it wasn't too long. They say that in a relationship, it takes you about 1 year to heal for every 2 years that you were in the relationship. With dysfunctional relationships (like borderline relationships), I'd say it takes longer than that.


Now it's time to really feel the pain. Lock yourself in your home and let it all out. Feel the loss. Mourn the relationship. Cry, cry and cry some more. Maybe you need to write a goodbye letter. If you do, then do it.

Put on some of the saddest songs you know. Put on those breakup songs that break your heart.

Your heart is broken. Let it be broken.




There are many phases of the mourning process, and after you deny that the relationship is over, it's time to feel the pain.

However, you can get through the pain, and you can feel great when you come out of it. 

How Long Will This Last?

You should feel the pain intensely only for a few weeks, no more than three weeks. They say that it takes about 23 days to change a habit, and you now need to get used to the habit of not having this person in your life. You know that it's for the better, but it still hurts.

You'll feel the pain for months, if not years, but the intense pain should subside after about three weeks. You need to start putting your life back together, which will be covered in some later topics.

If you start to have suicidal thoughts, if you cannot get out of the funk and stop feeling the pain intensely, if you just can't get it back together, get support immediately. Professional support can be quite helpful and can help get you over the humps that you need in life.

So you've felt the pain, and you've gotten through it. Time for the next step, Let Yourself Heal.

Early Adolescent Girlfriends: The BPD Relationship Primer

I was 16 years old, had just gone through a number of traumatic events in my life, and became friends with a girl that I later dated. She was a pretty freshman, not exactly my type, but I think we were about the same age mentally at the time.

When I started spending time with this girl, I had just survived being a passenger in a car accident that nearly turned fatal. I and the driver both sustained head injuries; I underwent an operation to remove an epidural hematoma while his subdural hematoma could not be removed. I was in a car accident for one week; he was in a coma for two. Before the accident, I had refuted advances by a boss of mine; his name was Harry, and he was in his 40's. Looking back, he was your typical pedophile.

So, before meeting this girl, I was recovering from a major car accident where I suffered incredible head injury and had also had my boss, who at the age of 16 is a role model in your life, turn out to be a pedophile that made advances on me (and most likely every male that worked at the kennel that he owned).

I was primed for a dysfunctional relationship where I am not treated well, yet I take it.

Emotional Immaturity and The Dysfunctional Relationship
By nature, any of us who enter into some type of dysfunctional relationship are still suffering from, or accepting, some type of emotional immaturity. Either we are emotionally immature, our partner is emotionally immature, or both.

One of the most important elements of growing and evolving from relationships is having the ability to understand what went wrong in past relationships and growing from them.

Unfortunately, as most that are reading this blog, in the case of a relationship with a borderline, there is no normal closure. You leave the relationship not knowing what happened, then having to heal. This is probably some of the most difficult healing that one has to do.

Let's look at this girl for a minute. At 14, she was a child of parents who had divorced when she was a young age. What's worse, her father had passed away when she was in sixth, seventh or eight grade; needless to say, she had healing to do, and I was there to help her.

Looking back, we were a couple of kids, but we fit one another's needs quite well at the time. I was there to be secure for her as she got acclimated with high school (her older sister also helped her do that as well), but we initially fit together well. Or so we thought.

We both knew that we wanted security in a relationship, and we offered each other this. That's about it. We were too young, too immature, and way too wounded from all of our past trauma to have a healthy relationship. It took me years after being with her to shed the abuse that she laid on me, let alone the trauma which I had felt from the car accident and other incident.

Believe me, although she was traumatized, she sure did provide quite a bit of abuse to me. At the end of the relationship, she told me that she wanted to be single, yet she kept me around so I saw her start having boyfriends right in front of my eyes. What's worse, when my friends came over, she would get upset and scream at me, one time actually hitting me in a rage of fury.

Sound familiar?

I've never felt so feeble in my entire life. Even when I was with the borderline, I knew what the deal was. I had sacrificed quite a bit, willingly, but with this one, I was emotionally immature. Words like, "she is my life" came out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to have ever said such things, but hey, it was nearly 25 years ago. Time heals all wounds, even though we may have scars.

Keep Your Dignity
That's what happens in a borderline relationship -- they can strip your dignity. They may not be trying to do such a thing, but by accepting the unacceptable, you allow the borderline to take your dignity.

It's important to keep boundaries. If the borderline is regularly doing things like yelling at you, hitting you, kicking you out and the like, you need to take your dignity back.

An Early Borderline Relationship?
So, was this girl an early borderline relationship? Maybe, or maybe not. She was too young to be considered borderline as she was only a teenager and a young teenager at that. We work through quite a lot of these issues in our adolescence.

I do know that she got her Masters in Social Work and is now a school social worker. She has two children, but their father is not with them and does not provide any child support. She lives with her mother and has had a number of tumultuous relationships.

With all of that said, I cannot judge. I don't know her current story or the reason for her current situation to make a judgement call whether she is borderline.

I do know that the relationship that I had with her was dysfunctional. When I look to the borderline relationship, I could (and did) draw direct parallels in the relationship, and this is one thing that kept me from becoming any more of a victim than I did. Without that previous relationship, I would have not had such experience to notice the projection and blame and lack of boundaries.

Look At Your Past Relationships
Be sure to look at your past relationships and see if you had any dysfunctional ones that were the primer to your relationship with the BPD

The past is just that, the past. You have to live in the present, live in the now. Be sure to look to the past and learn from it, but don't dwell on it. Today and tomorrow has yet to be made, so make the most of it.

Trusting After a BPD Relationship

It can be one of the toughest things to do after being in a relationship with a borderline. You're in this committed relationship with someone who you think is the love of your life, then BAM! Right between the eyes, you're hit, and you are now on your own.

It's quite lonely, and it hurts like it has never hurt before. This pain can linger for days, weeks, months, maybe years. I just got an email from someone who has been hurting for over 10 years; he said to me, about an incident that occurred in 1999, "I feel like it happened yesterday."

The pain of a break up with someone that has borderline personality disorder can be enormous. If we don't choose to heal, the pain can be quite powerful and can continue to be there for some time after the breakup has occurred.

Eventually, we get ourselves together and begin healing. In time, we will go back out into the world, see our friends, and begin living again. It sucks, but we do it. We have to do it for survival.

In time, we'll even start dating again. We'll go to some dating websites, or find someone elsewhere, then will meet people and start having romantic relations with others.

How do we trust again? We do, but how?

Choosing To Heal After A BPD Relationship

It's difficult, I know. You feel like someone just ripped your heart out, and you're raw. You're tender. The tears won't stop.

Maybe it's been a couple weeks. Maybe a couple months. Maybe a couple years. I recently had someone write me who has been hurting like it was yesterday for over 10 years.

Wow. I was in the relationship for nearly two years, and it's taken me about two years to heal. They say that for a normal relationship, it takes one year for every two years that you're in the relationship, but for those in a disordered relationship, particularly a BPD disordered relationship, I'd say it takes one or two years for every year.

Wow.

Why Does BPD Healing Take So Long?

Healing from a BPD Relationship takes longer than normal. There is so much dysfunction, so much white noise, so much baggage that a borderline puts into your thoughts and conscience that it takes much longer to understand what is normal after the borderline has put such abnormal thoughts and feelings onto you.

Remember, borderlines project their anxiety, and as a partner of a borderline, you have now internalized the life of a borderline. It's time to clear that out now. It takes quite some time.

You can heal. You have to make the choice, then actually do it.

How To Heal After a BPD Relationship

First, make the decision to heal. If you just leave the relationship, you will heal, but it will take even longer. You must make the conscious decision to heal. If you do this, you are recognizing that you are having issues and will consciously seek help.

Next, determine whether you need to see a professional. I saw one for approximately two months after the relationship with the BPD ended (see the posts on Valerie and Counseling for other fun stories regarding seeing professionals with a psychotic person who has no true concept of reality). It helped me reach a point of feeling content and being comfortable with myself (you can see exactly how I was feeling here).

Next, learn about the healing process so you can understand what you're going through. You need to understand the emotions that you're feeling and know which ones are normal and which ones aren't. If you have a support group that you can join, by all means, join. Alanon is the group that many Nons join, so you may want to check out a group like this. Or, you can start meeting new friends and there are Non groups on Meetup.com as well.

At this point, you need to be clearing out all old negative memories and replacing them with new ones. They don't need to be romantic, but you need to start living life and realizing how great life can be. Plan an adventure. Go away. Go for fun excursions, be it running or a bike ride or a hiking adventure. Learn to love life here. You deserve it.

When you're ready, it's time to start dating as well. This site has a list of some of the top dating sites, some that I've used, some that I haven't. I met Jennie, my future wife, on match.com, even though we knew each other from high school. When it's time, it's time.

With that said, remember that you're still healing and it will take you time to heal. People that you date need to understand this too and respect your need to heal. If they don't or start telling you, "I feel like there are three people in this relationship," make it one person in the relationship and move on.

Why? You're not at a point where stuffing old feelings as you heal is healthy for you, at all. They will come out later in undesirable ways. This is important. There are many other people that will love you and let you heal.

If you are not spiritual, you are going to need to develop your spiritual side as well. As humans, we have a spiritual element, and a fully developed spiritual side will keep us more well-rounded and more aware of those suffering from mental illness such as BPD. It's good practice, so do it. Join a church, synagogue or the spiritual affiliation of your choice. Just do it -- you'll be glad that you did.

You Can Heal and Recover From a BPD Relationship

It's not easy, but you can't let a relationship take you down. We're humans and we have many relationships in our lives. If you do the work and follow the steps outlined here, you will emerge a much stronger, more confident and self-assured person. This is critical for your growth.

Looking back, I'm happy that I went through the relationship with the borderline woman. I learned so much from myself that I wouldn't have learned that I can now appreciate so much more about life and myself. The journey is a good one -- if we let it be that way.

Despair

It's a feeling that one can't really describe to you. You know it when you have it, most don't ever want to feel it, but when you feel it, you know.

It's the feeling of despair.

Hurricane Katrina -- True Despair and Hopelessness

I just came back from a weekend in New Orleans where I spent most of my weekend with friends celebrating 25 years of being friends; what amazing people I have in my life. I truly am a blessed man to have such quality people that have stuck with me for all these years.

We spent the weekend bellying up to a New Orleans bar, but I did speak with a number of people about the Hurricane. I spoke the most with Anne, the Concierge at the Hotel where I stayed. She told me about all the people that died from the hurricane, 1,800 in total. She told me about five people that she knew that killed themselves.

Five people that she knew committed suicide.

We're talking about an event here that most of us can't come near comprehending. It was so bad that people took their own lives because of the trauma.

Wow.

I spoke to person after person who said that they lived without food, or lived without water, for days. Having so many people get killed or lose everything from the hurricane impacted everyone in the area. The concierge told me that there are still events that happen that trigger memories of the hurricane and the aftermath afterwards.

I told her that she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then I asked her if she had gone to counseling. She responded that she couldn't because everybody here was going to counseling and had post traumatic stress disorder.

This woman felt despair. This town felt despair. Tears welled up in my eyes as I discussed these events and she told me how it took so long for things to come back to normal. All the people that were so lost as a result of this. I could see what she went through and the pain that she had felt.

The nice thing is that when you have so many people that went through the same event, together, you can, as a group, get through the event. This is what many have done in the area.

Ironically, the event that has helped the area give themselves hope again has been the local football team, the New Orleans Saints. They won the superbowl for the first time this year, and the town rallied around them quite a bit.

When you drive through the city, the billboard by the Superdome reads, "Goodbye to the Saint-Less."

The town rallied around the team, no doubt. They're feeling so much better.

Despair and BPD Relationship Recovery

When I got out of the relationship with the BPD Disordered, I suffered from despair. The pain I felt, the loss that I had, it was real. It was amazing.

Looking back, she had threatened my ability to have basic needs -- food, clothing and shelter -- but those that went through Katrina clearly had a more traumatic event happen to them.

Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline sucks. It's terrible. It changes the way that we view the world, and we lose some of our innocence.

However, we didn't feel like those that went through Hurricane Katrina felt. Our ability to eat and our ability to have a safe roof over our head wasn't compromised like those that went through Katrina. It hurt, we felt bad, but we didn't feel like them.

Or maybe we did:

• Many of us have been threatened by the BPD, some of us to the point of being threatened for our lives. Many of us were beaten by the BPD as well. 
• A couple times, I came home to locks being changed by the BPD, so clearly, my stability and knowing where I was living was compromised

Again, I think it's different. This was the person who I thought was going to be my partner, but I still, after writing through it, don't think that I had the intensity of feeling that those who went through Katrina felt. 

I think that those that went through 9/11 share more than those that went through a relationship with a BPD. Sure, it sucked, but it didn't suck nearly as much as those that went through 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina.

We all shared feelings of desperation, though.

Making The Best of Despair

I'm not the kind of person who wants life to be monotone. I want highs, and I understand that there are going to be lows. 

We learn the most from the lows. The lows that we have help develop our character, our person; we learn how to survive and live through the lows.

You'll feel despair in your life. It's okay, you can get through it. When you get through it, you'll appreciate so much more of the good things, as long as you can learn and grow from the despair that you feel.

Should You Stay in the BPD Relationship?

This is a question that's posed to me quite often. You're in a relationship with a borderline. Do you stay or do you go? You know that it's going to be hard to leave, but the pain and abuse that you deal with is so great that you just can't take it any more.

The Good Outweighs The Bad
I remember being with the BPD and being asked by a counselor, "why do you stay in the relationship?" The reason was simple -- the good outweighed the bad.

Every relationship has difficulties. We all carry baggage from our childhood, our adolescence, our teen and high school years, and our adult lives. How we deal with the baggage and how we handle the issues in the relationship is important.

If you're in a relationship and can see that things are being handled in a constructive, healthy fashion, and you're happy, you should stay. Even if you were with someone who had borderline characteristics and was doing the right things to address them, then maybe it would work. You would know that they are doing the right things.

The problem with most borderlines is that they are so scared deep down inside that they won't admit their faults. They just won't. So they blame everything on their partners.

If you can look at the relationship and feel that the good outweighs the bad, then maybe it's worth it to stay in the relationship. In time, if the person is a true borderline, chances are that the bad will outweigh the good.

The Bad Outweighs The Good
You know the deal here. You're staying in the relationship because you're afraid. You don't know what life will be like without the borderline. You're afraid of being alone, you have financial issues, there's something that's keeping you in.

Here's the good and bad news -- everything will be just fine. You have to believe and get yourself out, because if the bad outweighs the good, you're in an abusive relationship. It's not good for you.

It's not good for you.

Only You Can Decide
No matter how much we try to help another with this decision, only you can ultimately make this decision. When it's time to go, you should go. Do not stay in an abusive relationship, because this is your self-worth that is at stake.

Do the right thing for yourself. You are responsible for your self-worth, so take care of you.

The BPD Hook: What Keeps You in the BPD Relationship?

You know that the relationship is dysfunctional. You know that it's just bad for you. You know that it's a problem. You know that you're missing out on so many things in life.

Yet you stay with the person afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Why?

The Borderline had (or has) you hooked into the relationship. Something that they did, you got something out of the relationship that kept you in, and kept you around and not leaving.

Welcome to the BPD Hook.

What Is The BPD Hook?

Simply defined, the BPD Hook is the reason that the borderline kept you in, or 'hooked' you, into the relationshp. It could be a multitude of things, but some of them may be:

• They appealed to your insecurity about being alone, and told you that without them, you would always be alone
• They appealed to your sense of financial insecurity, and that you would never be financially secure without them
• They provided you with the most amazing sex that you've ever had, and you thought that you could never have such sex before, or after, the relationship with the borderline
• They appealed to your need for a 'soul mate,' being that person that you always thought you wanted to be with
• They made you feel like you were completed with that person

You can see where I'm going here. The BPD hook could be many different things, but something kept you hooked.

How To Get Out Of The BPD Hook

Borderlines are like mermaids. They call you in, say things that keep you mesmerized while they take your dignity, self worth and self esteem. When they're gone, you feel lost, abandoned and an overall wreck.

If you're starting to understand what's happened to you (or what's happening), one of the most important aspects of recovering from a borderline relationship is to get out of the borderline's hook, or get away from their spell.

The only way to get out of the spell of a borderline is to determine how they have you hooked. To do this, think about what life would be (or is) like without the person you suspect to be borderline. What do you miss most?

You've just found the BPD hook that they're keeping you in with.

For me, the BPD hook that I was suffering from was multi-fold. I had just gone through a divorce, so I was quite insecure about my finances and my overall sense of security. In addition, my ex wife was quite a frigid person.

I was a gold mine for a borderline, and ripe for her pickings. She found me and exploited me right away, making me feel financially secure and fulfilling my emotional needs as well as other needs.

However, this was clearly at a price. She would alter between loving me dearly and ripping me apart, so it was quite the roller coaster ride. After nearly two years, I had to get off the ride. I left the relationship feeling like I was going to be alone, like no one would ever meet my sexual needs like she did, and I was going to be bankrupt.

Very quickly, I realized that things were not as bad as I thought, and all of my insecurities were put to rest. Life wasn't easy at first, but within a couple of months, things were moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while, and taking the hooks out takes some time.

Insecurities Are Just That -- Insecurities

What I learned was that all the things that I was so afraid of before I started the relationship with the BPD were not insurmountable. I was able to get over each and every one of those hurdles, and they weren't real. I was able to get by financially after the divorce, and I clearly wasn't going to be alone. Even my insecurities about finding someone that was not as sexual as a borderline were quickly put to rest.

BPD Hooks are tough for the Non, but once you realize how the BPD is hooking you into the relationship, you can quickly make yourself feel better, and eventually heal yourself in the relationship.

There is a wonderful life awaiting those that are now out of a borderline relationship. If you want it, you need to take the steps to get out, but it can be yours.

BPD Relationship Recovery Always Continues

This is the first post in quite some time -- a couple of weeks -- I used to blog nearly every day!

Things have been good here in my personal recovery land -- more on this later. However, I've been so busy -- work has consumed much of my time, and I've been trying to keep myself well-balanced with exercise and family time -- so blogging took a bit of a back seat. One of my large projects is finishing up, so I should have more time to blog moving forward.

With that said, I'll always try to blog at least once a week. If I'm not blogging that much, I've been consumed by work. Rest assured, I'll come back. This year, I'll do more blogging than in subsequent years. This blog is important to My BPD Recovery, and it's important to those who read this and benefit from this.

Back to Myself
With that said, I realize that I'm pretty much back to myself now. I've come back around, and my true self is here more than it's ever been before.

Strangely, I was hiking yesterday when I came to that realization. She is no longer the one that was it for me and has now gotten away. She is another girl that I was with, a girl that I dated, someone who has some pretty serious issues.

I'll continue to blog and to post -- I'll cover some critical topics, such as some of the things that borderlines do when in their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, contrasting this with their constant efforts to pre-empt you leaving them.

I Love Receiving Your Comments
Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments. I appreciate them and will publish them when they help tell stories of recovery and reveal elements of BPD relationship recovery.

With that said, I do not publish links in comments, and I do not publish any foul language. I have used such language on quite a limited basis if at all. I do not consider such language professional.

Continue to send me your comments and give me your feedback on what you would like to see published here.

Do Borderlines Think About Their Partners After The Relationship Ends?

I thought about this quite a lot when I first got out of the relationship with the BPD. I was so hurting, so lonely, so sad, so scared.

I was lost.

We had something so special, so amazing, so incredible...I was going to marry her, but it never got better.

So I had to go. Then I thought that she would finally get it when I moved out.

She didn't. Shortly after I moved out (about 2 months), she told me that she wouldn't trust me anymore and was gone.

We talked once or twice, but she had split and I was all baaaaad...she told me how she had to move on without me, and, well, you know the story.

Moving On
They say that borderlines don't think about their old partners after they have broken up. They say that the borderline will not go back once they've moved on, they won't think about them at all. Most experts agree that this is how the borderline acts. David discusses this in his recent post.

Many borderlines have written to me and told me otherwise. BPDs need to protect themselves, more than the normal person. Their problem is that they create a situation where they can't go back.


Think about this -- if someone says that they are a victim of you, how can they go back to you? Going back to you shows that they are completely weak and devoid of any self worth. Therefore, they must have you come back to them. It's difficult for the Non, but this is how the BPD fills their well of self-worth. I remember my exBPD saying about a past boyfriend, "he begged me to come back to him...he brought me a bouquet of roses and everything..."

Oooooh! Roses make me fall to my knees and go crawling back to abusers...

Sorry, I digress. The borderline is so vulnerable and loathes themselves so much that they create a scenario where they were a victim to the non. Because of this, they set the stage where they simply cannot go back. They will not go back.

My exBPD would kick me out of her house then ask me to come back to get some of my stuff. When I would, she would Hoover me back in, and I would not leave. This happened multiple times. In the borderline's eyes, I came back to her, although she asked me to come over and get some things.

The Verdict Is...
Borderlines are people, like you and me. They may have underdeveloped parts of their brains or they may be super-sensitive to certain stimuli because of their immaturity. They still recognize long-term relationships and miss them dearly.

Three months after the BPD and I split, I put a goodbye letter in her mailbox, along with a Valentines Day card (that I did not fill out or sign -- I was such a freak--it was three weeks after Valentines Day). This started email and text message conversations where the BPD told me that she never stopped loving me and missed me dearly. However, on one instance in our exchange, she did the Borderline Vengeance Switch, and I backed off. I would not go back to her if she did not ask me to come back and admit what she had done. She wanted me to beg her to come back, and too much had gone down for me to try to beg my way back. I knew her pattern and would not succumb to it.

Three months later, the police called me and said that she had accused me of hacking onto her photo website -- something I never would have done, but she wanted me to prove my innocence to her.

They think about you, even if they don't admit it. Inside, the borderline is a lonely, scared little girl (or boy), so scared that they don't show their true feelings or emotions to anyone, even themselves.

Feel bad for them.

PTSD After A BPD Relationship

I've been out of the relationship with the borderline for nearly 2-1/2 years. Most bad memories are going away. They're mostly gone, but I need to admit that I still carry big scars from the relationship.

I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.

All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.

Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.

Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."

Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.

Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.

In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.

Vacation: Replacing The Memories

I had a great week of vacation. Thanks to David for his contributions -- he wrote both You Are Not Alone and Remembering The Past. It still amazes me how so many of us had (or are having) the same walk.

If you want to contribute a posting to this blog, let me know. Send me an email at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com and let me know what you'd like to write about and how you'll cover it. We love to hear from guest bloggers.

Active Time
So, last week I went to Vermont for a quick, mini-ski vacation. My friend Chris was on military leave, and we decided to have a workout vacation. We did just that. Running, skiing, mountain biking, we were quite active.

On Monday, I picked him up from the airport, and we went running. We then drove north to Vermont where we skied at Mount Snow on Tuesday.

What a day of skiing we had. The conditions were absolutely perfect with the entire mountain being open and the  snow being loosely packed. We skied the entire mountain, and it snowed a good part of the day. There were few people on the mountain, so we had the place to ourselves to boot. What a great day.

From there, we went further north and drove to Killington where we stayed at the same place that the BPD and I stayed. Being lifelong buddies, Chris and I are different. We don't really even party. Every night, we were in bed at 10 pm so we could get up early and be on the ski slopes when the lifts start running.

Replacing Old Memories
This was the first time that I had been skiing in Vermont, particularly Killington, since my relationship with the BPD. Chris and I went to some of the same restaurants that I went with the BPD. Given the time that has helped heal the wounds and being with Chris, we had a good time. I was able to replace the memories with the borderline. Next, I'll take Jennie to these places as she'll love them.

Chris was married to a suspected borderline, and he actually first introduced me to the disorder. He's someone who knows my story, and he's a good person. We share a number of hobbies and see the world through similar glasses.

We hit the mountains of Killington hard and skied for the entire day, only breaking for lunch. The conditions were perfect, and the skiing was fast and furious. Later in the week, we drove home, ran some more, and went mountain biking as well.

What a great mini-vacation. I needed it, given the stresses and fast pace of work right now.

Self Realization
While I was away, I was able to think about the relationship that I was in with the Borderline and the needs that it filled in me. Given that borderlines lack any real identity, the relationship was initially what I needed it to be. I realized that there were weaknesses in me and my personality that needed work. The relationship with the borderline helped me expose these weaknesses and work on them.

I'm back from vacation and have lots of new material coming in the near future. From the definition of bpd to how to create rules to live by, I'll be providing more useful information that I hope you can use for dealing with your BPD relationship or recovering from your BPD relationship.

It's good to be back.

The BPD Family Revisited -- Partially Learned Behaviors

I've thought quite a bit about this and have researched it as well. The more I think it, the more I think that one's family and upbringing contributes significantly to their disposition to having borderline personality disorder. The DSM-IV indicates that many that have BPD came from a family where their parent suffered from the disorder -- given this, the fact that 75% of borderlines were sexually abused as a child and that most others came from overly controlling parents, you have the perfect storm for the making of a BPD.

The Making of A BPD

Many experts indicate that the making of a borderline is both nature and nurture, meaning that the person has to have a genetic predisposition for the disorder, but also have to be raised to acquire it.

Could most of us have borderline personality disorder? Probably. However, most of us are fortunate enough to be raised in homes where we were not sexually abused or raised by overly controlling parents.

In the instance of my ex borderline girlfriend, her mother had a brother die when in her care - she was 12 years old. As a result, she must have smothered her children, not letting them go up properly.

What's Happens When Someone Has Controlling Parents?

A number of things happen to someone with overly-controlling parents. Some of these could include:

Cannot Establish Healthy Boundaries

When someone tells us what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, we have difficulty thinking for ourselves. This is okay when we are quite young, but we as people must be given the opportunity to excel and fail as well, so we learn how to interact with the outside world. This is how we learn to tell others what we are willing and not willing to do. The person with overly controlling parents will have quite a difficult time saying no to people when they cross boundaries where others would clearly feel violated.

Under Developed Sense of Self

Like the lack of boundaries, when someone tells you everything to do as you get older, you lose the ability to be your own person and have differences with others. You want to agree with others for acceptance, losing your ability to be an individual.

Little or No Accountability
People who have been raised by someone who is controlling does not understand the impact of their actions, and will usually deflect responsibility as someone else has always shouldered responsibility for them. They learn to fly under the radar and have others be responsible for their actions. Unfortunately, in a relationship, we are accountable for our actions; if our partner is not accountable and does what they want and we accept this, our self esteem and self worth suffers.

Black and White, Judgemental Thinking

We live in a world where very little is black or white; there are extenuating circumstances surrounding most everything. When someone tells you yes or no for everything, you don't learn how to think about extenuating circumstances. The world is one way or another.

You Can't Change Your Family

Unfortunately, you can't change the people that had you. We're born into what we are born. All we can do is try to heal from our childhood scars and pain, become better people, and not repeat the patterns of dysfunction in our family. If we have done this, we're successful. Unfortunately, for some of us, there was too much damage done.

All we can do is try our best, try to get to our true self, love our true self, and strive for contentment.

Believe -- Revisited

Quite some time ago, I wrote about my Believe sign that I got for the BPD, how she continually threw it out to the point that I eventually took it, and the journey that I have taken with this sign.

Believe has changed in meaning over the years. It has continued to evolve and grow as life has evolved and grown.

As someone who was in a relationship with a Borderline Personality, I fell into too many traps, including:

• Believing that I could help make this person feel better
• Believing that this person would eventually change
• Believing that she would see beyond her issues and see my soul
  

My beliefs were unreasonable and unrealistic. I put too much pressure on myself, and ultimately felt like I took too much responsibility for the relationship. I knew that she was a borderline, yet I was willing to stay in the relationship if she helped herself. Eventually, she ran and I stopped chasing her.

When I got through the relationship, I wrote about how I believed in all these wonderful things, such as the beauty in people, pure love and the like.

As I've aged, this has evolved. I still believe in all the things mentioned in the Believe post, but it's taken on a much bigger meaning.

Now, it's a belief that I have in something bigger than me, bigger than anyone. It's a belief in God and Jesus Christ, a higher spirit that has paid for my sins.

This blog is not about spirituality or developing a spiritual side -- I'm working on planning a blog for this and should have something in the next few months, so stay tuned. With that said, developing a spiritual side is so important to your recovery.


Losing The Narcissist Inside
When you develop a spiritual side of yourself, you learn that there was a self-important side of yourself that thought they were probably too important. You suddenly lose narcissistic tendencies and step into a much more humble role. Even when I read my early writings in this blog, I see these tendencies in myself.

Go back to church. Talk to a pastor. Learn about Jesus Christ and what he did for each of us, and the change that you go through when you accept him into your life. I can attest that it truly is a supernatural change that you go through and it's like nothing that you'll ever experience. You can truly become 'born again'.

For those that are interested in such a change and need more information, email me at mybpdrecovery@gmail.com. I'll be sure to point you in the right direction.

The Believe sign has grown from believing in myself and the love of things to believing in God and Heaven on Earth, which I believe that I'm living now. It's not always easy, but it's real nice. Believe will always have a power over me because it keeps me focused, keeps me humble and keeps me understanding what a wonderful adventure we have here on earth.





Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You’re on to me
That I only come home
When I’m so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything I gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I’m so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

How To Tell Someone That They Have BPD

How do you tell someone that they have BPD?

Can you really do this?

Maybe. Definitely maybe.

Shifting Responsibility
The problem is that when you tell someone that actually has BPD that they have Borderline Personality Disorder, they will shift the responsibility to you. "I don't have it, you do," will most likely be their response.

I've written about this numerous times before. I went from being a good person to a cheater, a narcissist, a liar, an abuser, someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, a borderline...the list goes on.

A true borderline is the master of manipulation. They will take the most confident person and slowly erode their confidence through a carefully planned mixture of adoration and devaluation. Before you know it, you will actually feel like you could be borderline.



Get Professional Help
You could try to get the help of a professional counselor. I tried this, but found that psychologists won't usually actually diagnose someone with BPD. In the eyes of many psychologists, borderlines cannot be treated. Just like their partners, borderlines eventually try to manipulate their psychologists, so they are usually dismissed. They need to blame, and anyone that they are close with will receive that blame.

It's tough. If someone actually said that they were borderline or had a number of borderline behaviors, then they could get into dialectical behavior treatment. This, combined with an effective mix of anti-psychotic drugs, can actually help borderlines.

Getting borderlines into this type of therapy is rare, and quite difficult. If you can do it, there is a chance.

Make a Choice
As a Non in a serious relationship with a borderline, you must make a choice whether you want to stay in a relationship with a borderline. You know how the relationship will be -- constant ups and downs and little harmony.

If you think that you like or need the relationship this much, then stay in the relationship, but create boundaries to keep yourself from getting too hurt by the borderline. Also, join a group to help break the chains of codependency, as most Non's suffer from this quite a bit.

If you have told the borderline in your life that you think that they have Borderline Personality Disorder and you want change, make sure that they make the change and not shift the responsibility to you. The BPD in my life told me that she was the victim of me and that she kicked me out of her house when the situation was the opposite. I remember having to tell her that I had to leave but wanted the relationship to continue, provided she got help. The cycles of rage increased tenfold after we lived apart, and eventually, I stopped chasing her into her pit of rage, anger and emptiness.

You Can Tell Someone That They Have BPD
By all means, you can tell someone that you suspect that they are a borderline. Chances are, they will deflect and shift responsibility back on you. Just be prepared for the repercussions. You may want to do this in a professional's office, because with such a specific accusation, the professional will be forced to do something. I recommend finding someone who specializes specifically in Borderline Personality Disorder so you may have a chance at bringing closure.

Remember that borderlines are great at fight or flight, so be prepared for them to fight this issue, or completely avoid the issue. They could also flee from the relationship if they feel that threatened, so be prepared.

BPD Resolutions For The New Year: Ways to Make Yourself Feel Better

It's time for yet another year to be behind us. We can look back on the year, think about what we've done well and what we wish we had done differently, and make changes.

We can make changes to the parts of our life that need change, but we need to recognize that this type of change will take time. We can make the change, but it will take time.

We need to be patient with ourselves.

My New Years Resolutions After The BPD Relationship
I remember after the BPD relationship terminated in 2007, making a list of New Years Resolutions. I had kept them up until a couple of weeks ago when I threw them out. They were something like this:

1.  Heal fully from the BPD relationship
2. Get my finances back in order
3. Finish learning to play the guitar -- start learning to play another instrument
4. Get myself set to have an excellent relationship 

I think those were the main ones. How did I do?

1. Heal Fully -- Who was I kidding? It would take longer. I think I'm there, but it took a lot longer

2. Get finances back in order -- I actually slid further into the abyss on this one, getting myself tens of thousands of dollars into debt. I stopped the skid this (soon to be last) year and am on the road to recovery, but this one took time -- a lot more time than I wanted or expectd.

3. Finish learning to play the guitar -- This one also took more time than I expected. I started taking lessons, but stopped playing for a while. I'm back on the guitar -- big time, and hope to be done this year.

4. Get myself set to have an excellent relationship -- I don't know if I got myself set, but I've been having one. She recognized my pain and worked with my while I was healing.  I think that part of this was the Law of Attraction or what's found in the book The Secret. The book's a quick read, and I'd recommend it to everyone who is looking for a good read (by the way, I've started to link Amazon purchasing into this so you can quickly get to books I recommend -- let me know how you like it).


Ways to Make Yourself Feel Better
I felt horrible -- absolutely horrible -- after getting out of the relationship with the Borderline. I know, this is a pretty straightforward one. The holidays are particularly tough when you're alone and you've just gotten out of a relationship with a Borderline. You feel numb.

20 Good Things About Me
One of the things I did was write down 20 good things about me. It's a silly self esteem exercise, but it works.

If you're feeling real bad about yourself, start with ten good things. Write them down. Then, go to the mirror and read them to yourself while looking at yourself. This should help make yourself feel better and actually works.

Self Affirming Statements
When you're feeling real bad about yourself, the self affirming statements can make you feel good about yourself, real quickly. How do you do them? It's real easy.

First, write down a number of statements that are in this format:
- I'm a good person
- I'm a smart person
- I'm an attractive person
- I deserve a great relationship
- I deserve someone who treats me well
- I deserve goodness
- Goodness is what I am going to get in life

Say them to yourself daily; say them hourly if you need to. Saying these things will help you fell much better about yourself and will keep you in the right place mentally.

Exercise
When you're deep in cardiovascular exercise, huffing and puffing, how can you feel bad about yourself? Something magical happens when you work out. I'm not sure what it is, but you concentrate on the effort at hand, and the rest of the world becomes okay for that time. I highly recommend exercising when you're feeling bad.

Prayer
If you've read the blog, you knew that this one was going to come out. Prayer will heal most everything. I'll tell you amazing stories of salvation and redemption that occur through prayer, and I personally can attest to this.

Pray to God to help unleash you from the pain and suffering that you are experiencing. Pray to God for clarity, for understanding and to help understand why these things have happened. Pray to God so he can help make you feel better.

It works. It has worked for me, and it can work for you too.

Happy New Year

As we close the chapter in 2009 and welcome 2010, we can look back and decide to be different people in the upcoming year. We can evolve in 2010 and become that person that we always dreamed of being. Have a Happy New Year and look for new posts in the New Year, more focused on healing you.

Also, look for an e-book on these topics and more. Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments and contributions. You provide wonderful insight and depth that make this blog a community site, not just one person's blabber.