Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

Depression and Depression Treatment for Someone Recovering from a Relationship Loss

So, you've just ended a relationship with someone. Reading through this, we could actually apply these principles to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder or someone who ends a normal relationship. The pain is incredible, and you're feeling quite depressed.

You're suffering from depression. Do you need treatment?

Maybe.

Depression After a Relationship Ends is Normal
After a relationship ends, it's normal to be depressed. After all, this person meant something special to you, and now they're gone. What do you do?  

Mourn. You have to mourn the loss. It's what you do -- it stinks, but it's normal, it's human, and you can get through it.


Mourning a relationship is just that, it's like having someone die on you.  In fact, these are the normal phases of grieving a death; they can be used for grieving the loss of a loved one as well:

• Shock is the first stage. At first, you may be numb.
• Next, you'll probably go into some type of Denial
• Next you'll feel guilt. This is normal. You wish that you had or hadn't done something with the person.
• The next phase is usually anger. This is necessary to get past the loss. 
• Depression may come and go and be different each time in length and/or intensity.
• Resignation means you finally believe the reality of the loss
• Acceptance and Hope come when you finally understand that you will never be the same, but you can go on to have meaning and purpose in your life.

 Depression should decrease over time. If it doesn't, you should see a psychologist for evaluation, and maybe a psychiatrist for depression treatment. Sometimes, just talking through the issues with a psychologist is enough depression treatment.



Getting Over The Relationship
A suicide survival website also discusses how to get over the loss. This actually applies to someone who lost a loved one with or without BPD, but given the disorder, it may actually be even more applicable to someone leaving a relationship with a borderline:

• Tell the story -- Isn't it true that you need to tell your story so you can 're-frame' it? You need to tell someone the entire story so you can make sense of it and understand what's normal and what's not. Some want to stuff this kind of grief and put it away, but clearly, that does not do any good long term
• Express the emotions that you need to express -- Again, you can't stuff your emotions. They will come out in unhealthy ways. Be sure to let go of the emotions. If it's real difficult, literally schedule time to mourn, and go into a room or somewhere private and mourn. Doing this over and over will help you get through the pain. 
• Make Meaning From The Loss -- Determine how you will change, what you will do to grow as a person. We all grow from the time we are born until we die. We continue to evolve, learn new things and change our behaviors, further refining ourselves. Will you join a church? Will you gain a spiritual side? Will you take up a new activity? Will you teach yourself to play an instrument? You need to show how you will grow from the loss, then demonstrate this growth.
• Transition from The Person to A New Relationship -- This is the toughest one. You have to become a new person that displaces some of the relationship energy. Jumping into a new relationship usually doesn't work, because you need to grow. So, you need to find outlets for some of the relationship energies. Go out with friends. Join a support or social group. You see where I'm going here.

Depression from the loss of a relationship, borderline or not, is normal. It can last months, but you should begin to feel better. Don't get me wrong, it may take you years to feel completely back to normal (depending on the length of the relationship), but within 90 days, you should be feeling better.

If you don't, you may want to see a psychologist or psychiatrist for depression treatment. Allow yourself to grieve and go through the steps of getting over the relationship. You can do it.

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