Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 2a: When It Hurts Real Bad, Find Distractions

I know, I know. I sit here and say, you've got to feel the pain, allow yourself time to heal, and now I'm saying find distractions?

Look, you're human. I'm human. When it hurts real bad, we do whatever we can to distract ourselves from the pain.

That's okay. As long as the distractions are healthy.

Healthy Distractions While You Are Healing

So, what's a healthy distraction? There are many:

• Spending time with friends
• Seeing a movie
• Doing a hobbie
• Watching television
• Exercising
• Playing a musical instrument
• Listening to music
• Reading a book (not a self-help book or a love story)

You can see where I am going here. The distraction could be almost anything.

Time Heals

So if time heals, your healing from the relationship will take time. It will take time for you to reprogram yourself and learn new ways of living life -- you'll change from the "we" to the "me" in everything you do or say. This can be difficult.

While you're letting time heal you, these healthy distractions will help. Playing golf was one of my favorite things to do while healing from the relationship that I was in. I used to go and play rounds of par three golf as I could play with my kids or by myself, and it was a nice way to spend some time outside.

Watch Out for Unhealthy Distractions

There are unhealthy distractions that postpone the pain and can bring you into a world of even more hurt. These include:

• Drinking excessively or taking drugs
• Sex with non committed partners
• Starting a new relationship too soon
• Anything in excess -- exercise, work, etc.

I hope you see where I'm going here. Do everything in moderation so you can keep yourself and your head whole.

Distractions can be good while you're healing from a broken relationship. You can find healthy ones and help yourself on the road to recovery.

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