Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

10 Steps To Recover from A BPD Relationship

Recovering from a BPD Relationship is a difficult endeavor. Some would say that it's the toughest thing that they'll ever do. For some, it will be the toughest thing that they'll do.

Let me tell you, you can do it. You can live through this and be the person you always wanted to be when you get out of it.

Follow these simple steps, and you'll have no problem getting yourself through the BPD recovery process.

*Note: Some of these steps are intermingled, inter-tangled, and interdependent. You will often be working on step 6, then slip into step 1. They are not a step-by-step guide, but you will walk through these steps in the process.

How long will it take to heal from a dysfunctional relationship? They say that it takes you approximately one year to heal from every two years that you were in a relationship. For dysfunctional relationships (particularly BPD relationships), double this time, and you should be safe.

Bonus For Finishing
Here's the beautiful thing that you'll discover from this guide: When you're done with these steps, you will emerge a person who is much better than before you entered the relationship with the BPD.

One more thing -- this recovery guide can be applied to BPD relationships or general relationships also. After all, you don't have to be BPD to be in a dysfunctional relationship, or any relationship gone bad, for that matter. All of these recovery steps can be applied to a regular relationship and will help you grow.

The 10 Relationship Recovery Steps

1. Feel the pain
2. Let yourself heal
3. Do the work
4. Start a Me Project
5. Reinforce (or build) your support group, then flex it
6. Find others that have been there and have felt the pain
7. Find spiritual fulfillment
8. Accept yourself
9. Learn to love yourself
10. Recognize that you are a Work in Progress

In upcoming posts, look for each of these steps fully outlined, described and detailed with examples. Stay tuned.