It's difficult, I know. You feel like someone just ripped your heart out, and you're raw. You're tender. The tears won't stop.
Maybe it's been a couple weeks. Maybe a couple months. Maybe a couple years. I recently had someone write me who has been hurting
like it was yesterday for over 10 years.
Wow. I was in the relationship for nearly two years, and it's taken me about two years to heal. They say that for a normal relationship, it takes one year for every two years that you're in the relationship, but for those in a disordered relationship, particularly a BPD disordered relationship, I'd say it takes one or two years for every year.
Wow.
Why Does BPD Healing Take So Long?
Healing from a BPD Relationship takes longer than normal. There is so much dysfunction, so much white noise, so much baggage that a borderline puts into your thoughts and conscience that it takes much longer to understand what is normal after the borderline has put such abnormal thoughts and feelings onto you.
Remember, borderlines project their anxiety, and as a partner of a borderline, you have now internalized the life of a borderline. It's time to clear that out now. It takes quite some time.
You can heal. You have to make the choice, then actually do it.
How To Heal After a BPD Relationship
First,
make the decision to heal. If you just leave the relationship, you will heal, but it will take even longer. You must make the conscious decision to heal. If you do this, you are recognizing that you are having issues and will consciously seek help.
Next,
determine whether you need to see a professional. I saw one for approximately two months after the relationship with the BPD ended (see the posts on
Valerie and
Counseling for other fun stories regarding seeing professionals with a psychotic person who has no true concept of reality). It helped me reach a point of feeling
content and being comfortable with myself (you can see exactly how I was feeling
here).
Next,
learn about the healing process so you can understand what you're going through. You need to understand the emotions that you're feeling and know which ones are normal and which ones aren't. If you have
a support group that you can join, by all means, join. Alanon is the group that many Nons join, so you may want to check out a group like this. Or, you can start meeting new friends and there are Non groups on
Meetup.com as well.
At this point, you need to be
clearing out all old negative memories and replacing them with new ones. They don't need to be romantic, but you need to start living life and realizing how great life can be. Plan an adventure. Go away. Go for fun excursions, be it running or a bike ride or a hiking adventure. Learn to love life here. You deserve it.
When you're ready, it's time to
start dating as well. This site has a list of some of the top
dating sites, some that I've used, some that I haven't. I met Jennie, my future wife, on match.com, even though we knew each other from high school. When it's time, it's time.
With that said, remember that you're still healing and
it will take you time to heal. People that you date need to understand this too and respect your need to heal. If they don't or start telling you, "I feel like there are three people in this relationship," make it one person in the relationship and move on.
Why? You're not at a point where stuffing old feelings as you heal is healthy for you, at all. They will come out later in undesirable ways. This is important. There are many other people that will love you and let you heal.
If you are not spiritual, you are going to need to
develop your spiritual side as well. As humans, we have a spiritual element, and a fully developed spiritual side will keep us more well-rounded and more aware of those suffering from mental illness such as BPD. It's good practice, so do it. Join a church, synagogue or the spiritual affiliation of your choice. Just do it -- you'll be glad that you did.
You Can Heal and Recover From a BPD Relationship
It's not easy, but you can't let a relationship take you down. We're humans and we have many relationships in our lives. If you do the work and follow the steps outlined here, you will emerge a much stronger, more confident and self-assured person. This is critical for your growth.
Looking back, I'm happy that I went through the relationship with the borderline woman. I learned so much from myself that I wouldn't have learned that I can now appreciate so much more about life and myself. The journey is a good one -- if we let it be that way.
