Early Adolescent Girlfriends: The BPD Relationship Primer

I was 16 years old, had just gone through a number of traumatic events in my life, and became friends with a girl that I later dated. She was a pretty freshman, not exactly my type, but I think we were about the same age mentally at the time.

When I started spending time with this girl, I had just survived being a passenger in a car accident that nearly turned fatal. I and the driver both sustained head injuries; I underwent an operation to remove an epidural hematoma while his subdural hematoma could not be removed. I was in a car accident for one week; he was in a coma for two. Before the accident, I had refuted advances by a boss of mine; his name was Harry, and he was in his 40's. Looking back, he was your typical pedophile.

So, before meeting this girl, I was recovering from a major car accident where I suffered incredible head injury and had also had my boss, who at the age of 16 is a role model in your life, turn out to be a pedophile that made advances on me (and most likely every male that worked at the kennel that he owned).

I was primed for a dysfunctional relationship where I am not treated well, yet I take it.

Emotional Immaturity and The Dysfunctional Relationship
By nature, any of us who enter into some type of dysfunctional relationship are still suffering from, or accepting, some type of emotional immaturity. Either we are emotionally immature, our partner is emotionally immature, or both.

One of the most important elements of growing and evolving from relationships is having the ability to understand what went wrong in past relationships and growing from them.

Unfortunately, as most that are reading this blog, in the case of a relationship with a borderline, there is no normal closure. You leave the relationship not knowing what happened, then having to heal. This is probably some of the most difficult healing that one has to do.

Let's look at this girl for a minute. At 14, she was a child of parents who had divorced when she was a young age. What's worse, her father had passed away when she was in sixth, seventh or eight grade; needless to say, she had healing to do, and I was there to help her.

Looking back, we were a couple of kids, but we fit one another's needs quite well at the time. I was there to be secure for her as she got acclimated with high school (her older sister also helped her do that as well), but we initially fit together well. Or so we thought.

We both knew that we wanted security in a relationship, and we offered each other this. That's about it. We were too young, too immature, and way too wounded from all of our past trauma to have a healthy relationship. It took me years after being with her to shed the abuse that she laid on me, let alone the trauma which I had felt from the car accident and other incident.

Believe me, although she was traumatized, she sure did provide quite a bit of abuse to me. At the end of the relationship, she told me that she wanted to be single, yet she kept me around so I saw her start having boyfriends right in front of my eyes. What's worse, when my friends came over, she would get upset and scream at me, one time actually hitting me in a rage of fury.

Sound familiar?

I've never felt so feeble in my entire life. Even when I was with the borderline, I knew what the deal was. I had sacrificed quite a bit, willingly, but with this one, I was emotionally immature. Words like, "she is my life" came out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to have ever said such things, but hey, it was nearly 25 years ago. Time heals all wounds, even though we may have scars.

Keep Your Dignity
That's what happens in a borderline relationship -- they can strip your dignity. They may not be trying to do such a thing, but by accepting the unacceptable, you allow the borderline to take your dignity.

It's important to keep boundaries. If the borderline is regularly doing things like yelling at you, hitting you, kicking you out and the like, you need to take your dignity back.

An Early Borderline Relationship?
So, was this girl an early borderline relationship? Maybe, or maybe not. She was too young to be considered borderline as she was only a teenager and a young teenager at that. We work through quite a lot of these issues in our adolescence.

I do know that she got her Masters in Social Work and is now a school social worker. She has two children, but their father is not with them and does not provide any child support. She lives with her mother and has had a number of tumultuous relationships.

With all of that said, I cannot judge. I don't know her current story or the reason for her current situation to make a judgement call whether she is borderline.

I do know that the relationship that I had with her was dysfunctional. When I look to the borderline relationship, I could (and did) draw direct parallels in the relationship, and this is one thing that kept me from becoming any more of a victim than I did. Without that previous relationship, I would have not had such experience to notice the projection and blame and lack of boundaries.

Look At Your Past Relationships
Be sure to look at your past relationships and see if you had any dysfunctional ones that were the primer to your relationship with the BPD

The past is just that, the past. You have to live in the present, live in the now. Be sure to look to the past and learn from it, but don't dwell on it. Today and tomorrow has yet to be made, so make the most of it.

The Final Date

Two years ago today, we had our last date. The last time that we were together, and what a date it was.

We had a lot of fun on the date, between the accusations that she made throughout the night. We got real drunk -- almost like our first date.

NYC Bar Hopping

We had planned on going to New York City -- something that we had never done together, although we live within an hour's drive of the City. When she got to my place, the accusations began: "It seems like you're rushing to put your Christmas tree up, when you said that you were doing this all day; what were you doing?" Looking back, these accusations were so ridiculous as I had my kids all day long. She was either so insecure or projecting so much guilt for things that she had done wrong that she just couldn't handle it. It was probably a combination of both.

After getting through the first accusation, we drove into the city. As we were heading into the Holland Tunnel, her second accusation was launched. I'm not sure what it was about, but she accused me of something bad -- something crazy bad -- as we headed into the tunnel. I think she told me that I knew this drive too well and probably had done this with someone else recently.

This is a perfect example of BPD anxiety gone off the charts. I was totally into this woman, and had told her this over and over again. It didn't matter. We were starting to separate our lives, and her anxiety and accusations had gone crazy.

Once she got over the tunnel accusation and anxiety, we got into the city and parked. Ironically, she told me where to go. I didn't know where I was, but we ended up in Greenwich Village. We went to the first bar and had our first drink where she launched the next accusation. She began questioning me about my whereabouts the night when we had last planned to be together, which was a week earlier. I had tried to get her out to meet me, but she wouldn't come as she was too angry with me. When I told her that I was coming over, she said, "if you come over here, I'm calling the police."

That's when I backed off and didn't come over. I didn't respond to her accusations, and we went to another bar. Seems like when the alcohol flowed with the BPD, life was good.

Village Party

While we were on our partying around New York City, we walked from the Village up to Union Square, went to a champagne bar (and split a bottle of champagne), then had thai at a restaurant off the square, then walked back down into the village, stopping at a couple choice bars along the way.

Partially Learned Behaviors

During the bar hopping excursion, she told me that she had been discussing the relationship with her parents. They said, "you have to figure out what's the problem here," which she said that she wanted to respond, "it's you guys and what you taught me."

That was the only time that it became clear that her behaviors were partially learned behaviors and clearly passed down from her parents. We all carry the weight of our parents' relationship and whatever dysfunction that it had, and she was clearly carrying some of this. The advice that she gave her came from judgemental people that had hardened hearts. They viewed the world from such a pessimistic perspective that it was sad. I always felt for her mother who had lost a brother when she was a child, under her watch. That must have been quite traumatizing, and the reason why she drank bottles of wine on a daily basis.

We went to about six or seven bars in total that night, and we had drank so much that there was a point where I had recommended staying in the city. I stopped drinking and sobered up while she kept drinking. We drove home after that, where she slept, then stayed over.

Tomorrow, learn about the final discussion that we had before she left for good, and I didn't chase her.

Borderderline Personality Devaluation: Unexplainable Criticism

So many Nons that are in relationships with Borderlines know the drill -- life is great, the world is wonderful, they are living on Cloud 9, then you could snap your fingers -- just snap them, and the Borderline Personality begins to rip into you. They say things like "I hate you," sometimes over and over again.

For me, those words are the worst. "I hate you." What a hurtful thing to say to someone else. I have never said those words to anyone else. I don't think I've really ever said those words about someone else.

This is the Borderline's trademark. Out of nowhere, an "I hate you," comes flying at you, often for what you think is no reason.

After breaking up, the most disconcerting thing for me was the fact that we went from being so close, so comfortable with one another, to absolutely no contact. When we did have contact with one another (which was via text message or email), it initially was a lot of "I miss you."

Then, it became quite adversarial right in front of your eyes. You could have snapped your fingers -- again, ye ole vengeance switch.

These are people that we put all of our faith, all of our trust, all of our everything into, and they treat us like dirtballs. They tell us that they hate us, they kick us, they beat us, they tell us that our children are mental patients. They say hurtful things that we must endure.

We just can't figure it out.

Feeling Too Much?

Interviews with Borderlines has indicated that they are, in fact, feeling too much -- they have such a heightened state of awareness and sensitivity to their environment that they just can't handle it. So, when they have some kind of stiumuli--any kind of stimuli, whether it be a situation, something that another person has said, a song, a smell, a feeling, they react. The Nons in their life are blindsided.

Hypersensitivity could be a reason for Borderline Personality devaluation. The Borderline could just feel bad and threatened that the Non is taking advantage of them. It's tough, because their responses can be so extreme that they are downright abusive.

Abusive Relationship

That's the ultimate problem -- if you are in a relationship with a Borderline, you're in an abusive relationship. They put their misery on you, often blame you for their misery, treat you inappropriately, and have no idea what they're doing.

They hurt you. They scar you.

I'm going on two years of no contact with The Borderline, and while I've healed, I still carry scars of abuse. It's strange, but I know that they're there.

I had never been kicked out of somewhere that I lived. Ever. Suddenly, I'm staying with my parents -- something that I hadn't done in 20 years, because a borderline kicked me out.

Making Good Out of Bad

The relationship left me at my lowest ever. Just read some of my posts from 2007 and you'll see what I mean. In time, I was able to put it back together.

The best thing that came out of my recovery was the relationship that I began with Jesus Christ. I was raised Catholic but hadn't started to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Being so broken, so full of shame, feeling so low made me go back to church and ultimately begin this relationship.

If you feel broken and lost, you may have a God Shaped Hole in your life. Take a look and think about it. Learn more about starting a relationship with Jesus here.

You can recover from a relationship with a Borderline Personality. BPD Relationship Recovery can be difficult, but it's doable. You can survive a borderline breakup and thrive. You may have scars. You can, however, make life more enjoyable than ever before. It's up to you.

BPD Family Continued -- Control

ON THE SURFACE, the BPD's family seemed normal. Quite normal.

Things definitely weren't normal. However, she wouldn't reveal too much about her family. She always seemed to assert that they were normal, and they seemed normal to a fault. What I did know reeked of problems:

- The BPD's mother had her younger brother die as a toddler while under her care. Her parents were out of the house, and the child died when she was watching him. I think it was from SIDS or a similar illness. She is an alcoholic, drinking a bottle of wine every night by herself, self medicating herself from her early born soul wounds

- The BPD's father had a strange background. He was unemployed for quite some time and was home, not working, for a good portion of the BPDs childhood. I know that right before the BPD's parents were planning on retiring, he came to the BPD quite scared because he had racked up over $70,000 in credit card debt.

They were nice people overall, however, they were quite judgmental. They passed judgment on most everyone, most everything. At first, it seemed that they really liked me. Then, over time, I became a bad guy in their eyes, most likely because of the things that the BPD was telling them about me.

Control

One time, when the BPD had gone off about something and I sat her down for her daily talking-to where I explained the world to her, I was quite upset. I forget what she had done, but it was bad, and I wasn't happy.

The BPD was drinking at that time -- we drank espresso martinis. Out on her porch, when I began tell her just how unacceptable her actions were and seeing why she was acting the way that she does, she blurts out, "my parents were so controlling when I was a kid."

Huh? I never understood anything about that comment or sentiment. If you think about it, however, if you were her parents (particularly her mother), wouldn't you also be overprotective and controlling with your daughter?

I don't remember how her parents were controlling of the BPD. I remember that she felt like when they were growing up, they had no money and could not buy clothes that were comparable to those living in her affluent town in Central New Jersey. She also was not allowed to go out and do things that her friends were allowed. She went to college and kicked loose, never going home again. She met her husband in college and married him shortly thereafter.

I think that the Controlling Parents issue is pretty common with BPDs as there are BPD-focused books titled If You Had Controlling Parents. So, this seems to be a common thread with them.

Now, was the BPD just making excuses because she was about to be reprimanded by me? I'm not sure. Clearly, there were big issues with her parents that we never got near. The last counseling session that we had together, when she walked out in the middle of it, revealed that she needed to explore these issues more. The last night that we spent together, as we shared a bottle of champaign, she told me that when she fought with her parents and they asked her what was wrong, she was going to scream "I learned it from you," like the drug commercial.

So, the more I write, the more I realize just how dysfunctional it was. I've spent my last two years healing, not looking at her existence. These are clear indicators that I should have seen -- I guess that I did see these indicators and this is why I insisted on counseling so early. However, I got myself too involved -- I cared too much when there was so much out of my control.

We live. We learn. Life is not about all of our successes, but the journey that we take to get where we are.

I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect -- they never will be. They're pretty good, and I'm grateful for that.

More About Bob -- BPD Drama

For those of you that have not followed the blog or don't remember earlier posts, before I was in the relationship with the BPD, she dated someone else, let's call him "Bob," for three years. Her relationship with Bob was, let's say, quite eventful:

- she had an affair on her husband with Bob -- they were from the same neighborhood

- she told her husband about the affair with Bob

- her husband died in a drunk driving car accident while they were still married, but she was having an affair with Bob

- after her husband died, she and Bob continued their relationship

- she was scorned by her neighbors about her relationship with Bob. Her neighborhood knew both her and Bob. They also knew both of their spouses.

Looking back and thinking about the true drama that this woman was able to conjure in her life, it was amazing. I always felt bad for her, and this is one of the major contributors for me feeling bad for her. She had so much drama in her life, obviously her making, but so much drama. Then I come along and I try to diffuse the drama, day in and day out.

I thought about something a while ago. I think that, in the end, she rejected me, not because of her perceived attitude towards me being a bad person, but rather that she didn't like how I operated. I refused to live in the drama, and I fought it every step of the way. I know that in itself was drama, but I believe that in the end, she had to reject me because she needed the drama.

Maybe I'm wrong. When I moved out, she told me, in no uncertain terms, "I don't want you to leave." But maybe she didn't want me to leave for the wrong reasons -- because she was afraid of being alone. Not because she cared for me. It was clearly no-win -- stay with someone who thinks you're evil, or be alone. I'd rather be alone, thank you.

Back to Bob. She told me all these things that she did with Bob and to Bob -- from cheating on Bob (uh, wait, she was married then, so she cheated on her husband and her lover and felt bad about cheating on her lover -- how whacked is that?) to seeing him on the road and giving him the finger. She told me that someone was trying to pick her up at a bar and he freaked out -- that made her feel good.

Looking back, I feel bad for Bob -- because I lived the life that he lived. Always trying to get close to someone who constantly pushes you away, and the only place you can connect with them is in the bedroom.

Constant drama. Eventual self-alienation where she felt so uncomfortable that she moved out of town.

You reap what you sew.

In the end, she was calling me the names and telling me that I was the narcissist. Bob was just a sick pervert in her mind.

In Bob's mind, he was planning on moving into the house that she bought out-of-town. In her mind, he was never moving in, or that's what she told me. He thought that was their dream house.

Poor Bob.

The entire Bob incident culminated one evening in October (I think she said that it was October 18) in a firehouse. Read about the culmination in an upcoming post.

September

Summer is exiting and fall is upon us -- it's the time of year when things are just beautiful in my part of the world. My life is good, but this time of year is still difficult. Two years ago, I was officially severing the relationship, then going back in. Then the relationship was off, then on, and the dance continued.

There was so much turmoil two years ago; I guess that I've never been able to really deal with it. I spent most of my days in a state of depression, or I was in automatic 'movin out' mode where I was readying myself for a big change.

That's what I've learned about myself. I'm good making change. I'm not good actually healing from the trauma or dysfunction that precipitated the change.

To make that a little more understandable -- I can make change easily. I don't easily heal from the change. I hide from it and try not to deal with it.

I guess we're all like this, but I may be a little more sensitive to it. Or maybe I'm just noticing this in myself now.

I bet that I'm going to feel like this even more in the future. I'll try to be strong and not run from these feelings, but when it's time to deal with it, you know.

It's time. Stay tuned.

What I'm Looking For

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

- Lyrics by Carolina Liar

If you're in a relationship with a Borderline or coming out of one, ask yourself what you were looking for and how the BPD filled it. You dealt with turmoil and dysfunction to fill those holes.

Now, go figure out how you can get those holes filled in a healthy manner.

The Showdown

We had both seen Valerie separately for about eight months. Sometimes the BPD went to Valerie alone for three hour sessions, sometimes I went to her alone.

We rarely went together.

I had moved out in September 2007 but we had continued to see one another on and off; now that we were not together, the BPD was pushing me away like we did when we were together. However, because we lived apart, I did not have to push through her constant turmoil and get the relationship back to stable.

It seems to me that when we lived together, every day, she would raise an issue that I would have to deal with -- either she thought I was cheating on her, I had lied to her, I had done something to cause her pain. I would then launch an offensive to show her that I didn't do such a thing, that I wouldn't do such a thing, and that I was, in fact, a good guy that only cared about her.

Even thinking about this makes me tired.

So, now that we lived apart, I could not deal with her turmoil every day. Her turmoil required me to often go over there to show her that I cared about her, and there were times that she even said, "don't come over here; if you do, I'll call the police."

What are you supposed to do then? Looking back, I should have bailed long before I did, however, I felt that I had to prove that I was a good guy, and I did such. Until she threatened police.

Back to Valerie. When she and I no longer lived together but still dated, I began to study Borderline Personality Disorder, the signs of a person affected with BPD and how to deal with them. I actually was told by another counselor that the BPD showed major signs of being borderline, so I knew.

Some quick searches on male abuse on the Internet confirmed that she was borderline.

I then went to her and told her that she was borderline. Bad move.

"I'm not borderline, you are," she retorted and then enlisted Valerie's help in proving that I suffered from BPD. She bought books, came to my place with books for those suffering from BPD so I could read it and feel better about myself, and the like.

I had known that she was playing a sick psychological game, but it had just gotten sicker.

So, let me go through the situation now:

- We're living apart

- I've told her that she's borderline and I have plenty of evidence to support this, including her meeting most of the criteria for BPD in the DSM

- She tells me that I am borderline and meet the criteria in the DSM

- The relationship is more rocky than ever; we both continue to see Valerie separately

We agree that we're both going to see Valerie so we can get everything out in the open:

IT'S A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHOWDOWN!

The Showdown

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we both meet in Valerie's office to discuss everything. It was a 9 am meeting. We had stayed together the night before, but we took separate vehicles to the session -- I think that she had to drop her kids off at her sister's before the session.

The session was like no other. She accused me of being borderline, and Valerie literally pulls out the DSM in the session, and we go through it (I think she had accused me of suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder also, so we covered both). One by one, I have to show how I don't have each characteristic. Valerie is saying to the BPD, "you never told me that he worked for one employer for five years," "I never knew that he did that, that's completely normal," and the like.

I felt much better. Whew.

The session lasted over three hours. We talked about all the issues on the table, like the source for all of her insecurities, lack of trust and the like.

Being myself, I didn't push the issues too much, except I wanted them uncovered and discussed. I wasn't pointing fingers, just wanted progress forward.

In the end, after three hours of counseling, mediating, whatever you call it, Valerie says to the BPD, "so we need to schedule a follow-up session to discuss the issues that you have with your father and the control issues that you have with your upbringing."

The BPD looks at Valerie, stands up, and walks out.

I was clear. I didn't have BPD. Or DID or any D.

The BPD was gone.

Damage Control

So, the BPD has now left the office and is God-knows-where. What do you do?

First, let her vent. Then, take her somewhere so you can forget about the situation and have a good time.

We did just that. I let her rant and rave for about an hour, then took her somewhere where we could relax and have a good time. Of course, over the course of the night, she raised many of her issues, which she was becoming aware of:

- Issues with her upbringing and her parents

- Issues with her marriage and other relationships

Of course, she took no responsibility at all, whatsoever. She was always the victim.

The weekend ended up being a real nice one. The next day, we were talking about a number of things, and she said to me, "I've grown so much since I've been with you...you've really helped me learn quite a bit about myself...thank you, I appreciate that."

Those were the reasons that I stayed, I hung on, I kept myself in the relationship. I always thought that she was about to change, about to turn the corner, about to trust, for good. If she could, then all would be well.

I remember riding on the train back to work on the following day, saying to her, "just remember the feeling that you had over the weekend. Remember how you felt, how you felt about us, and don't lose that feeling."

Then....SNAP. It all changed.

Read about the change in an upcoming installment.

Back to Valerie

So, that was the last time that the BPD saw Valerie. In her mind, Valerie became part of the problem; the one that was so good in her eyes was now bad.

As far as I know, the two of them never saw one another again. The BPD was told that they had to work on more issues, and they didn't want to hear that, so Valerie was demonized. In the BPD world, you're either good or bad. Valerie was now bad.

Pretty soon after that, I became bad. Read about that too in an upcoming installment.

Valerie

We started seeing Valerie in April 2007. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. We were first referred to Valerie by Henry, the psychiatrist that I insisted we see. After going to Henry to get the BPD medicated, I ended up medicating myself. After the BPD suggested that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities or schizophrenia), we were referred to Valerie so she could diagnose and treat me.

When we first saw Valerie, I let the BPD talk and explain what she saw. There were parts of me that thought I can't believe that anyone could ever think like this, but there were other parts that began to doubt myself. Am I really dissociating and doing these things to her? Is this really what's happening?

No.

After the first session, we both agreed that I would come back individually for further evaluation. In addition, the BPD would go back individually to Valerie, as there were many issues that Valerie uncovered about the BPD that required more investigation and evaluation.

Things were starting to get verrrrrrry interesting.

Valerie spent time with both of us; after the first session, she told me that she didn't think that I was dissociating at all, but I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-assuredness. That's what BPDs do to you, though; they erode your self-confidence and self-worth.

The BPD spent multiple sessions with Valerie. I spent quite a bit of time with her as well, and I discovered quite a bit about myself. My time with Val actually escallated as the relationship was ending at the end of 2007 and in early 2008. Valerie eventually told me that it was time to go as I had reached a state of contentment.

The BPD spent quite a bit of time with Valerie as the relationship was ending. She and Valerie would regularly have 2 or 2-1/2 hour counseling sessions, which absolutely amazed me.

She sent her to a spiritualist as well, which when I looked back, I always questioned. Today, however, I realize that she sent the BPD to a spiritualist so the BPD could try to feel better in any way possible, including prayer.

Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.

Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.

Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.

While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.

In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.

I did just that.

On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.

"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."

I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.

After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.

So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.

I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."

Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.

She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.

After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.

Once we were in seperate residences, I admitted that I thought that she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Her response? "I don't have BPD, you do." She then embarked on a mission to prove that I was borderline, pulling information from the DSM and everything. She spoke with Valerie about it as well and tried to pin it down on me.

The last time that she saw Valerie was with me two days after Thanksgiving in 2007. We had a three hour session with Valerie where everything came to a head and most things were settled.

In an upcoming post, I'll detail that three hour session, what happened, and how we finished seeing Valerie.

I still have to remind myself that the BPD did the best that she could. In her mind and from her perception, I was the bad guy that did all these terrible things to her. The reality is that I never did those things to her, but her perception won't allow her to understand that. It's a shame, but it's her reality -- her own prison, so to speak. In the end, you need to feel bad for the BPD.

So, look for the story about the final joint session with Valerie real soon. Stay tuned.

Counseling

So, you get into a relationship with someone, and it's fraught with issues. She is a sweet person quite a lot of the time, but there are times where she is saying things that just aren't right.

They're wacky.

I remember thinking, people really think like this?

I learned that it's true and people really do think like that.

She could be the one, you think. But clearly, for this to work, we'll need to see counseling.

The BPD and I saw a total of four counselors. Tens out thousands of dollars. When you thought you were getting somewhere, you'd be brought back to square one, all in a blink of the eye.

A Sick Psychological Game

I remember how everything worked well. The relationship was great, but there were issues. So we went to a counselor that she had seen quite some time ago. The counselor saw her for a while, then told her it's time to go and released her.

I've learned that many psychologists dismiss their borderline patients because they will eventually try to manipulate the psychologists. Conversations go in circles and ultimately nowhere.

There are many therapies that work for borderlines. For the therapies to effectively work, however, the borderline must admit that they have issues, which is quite difficult for most afflicted with the disease.

So we went to her counselor first. After being there for an hour, she admitted that she was carrying old scars from previous relationships and that she needed to go back to counseling.

We never went back to that counselor again. The BPD admitted that the issue was theirs; not good for the BPD.

So, we next went to Gina, about two to three months after this. Gina was more convenient -- about ten minutes from my work.

We saw Gina once, but the BPD didn't like Gina. Gina was attractive and her office was in her house. The BPD told me, point blank, that she was afraid that I would sleep with Gina if we were in counseling sessions alone together.

Huh?

I went to Gina after I was kicked out the first time (see The Private Investigator entry). She was the first professional who told me that the BPD was, in fact, BPD. The first counselor was hers and would not disclose anything to me.

So, she kicks me out, I go to Gina, and I go back to her. We again need a new counselor, but this time, I want it to be someone to medicate her.

So, we go to Henry. We see Henry for a couple of months, and I think that things are going well. But, she refuses to medicate herself. I eventually request that I get medicated!

I was on Lexapro for about two weeks and realized that it did nothing for me. Oh well.

It Can All Fall Apart

Life was crazy. She was making life crazy. I had just gone through a divorce, was trying to be great to my children, trying to balance a stressful Internet Marketing job, and care for the unrealistic needs of a borderline.

"If you try to do it all," Henry warned me, "it will all fall apart." I remembered his words and have tried to simplify life whenever possible.

While we were seeing Henry, everything shifted. While I initially began discussing the issues and the problems that I was having with her behaviors, she shifted the conversations to problems that she was having with me. Once at Gina's, she came out and called me a narcissist, but now, she was letting it all fly. I was defending my behaviors and issues and trying to justify things.

Schizophrenic

Then, she went to the next level. She said that my behaviors were things that I had no recollection of, things that I didn't know that I was doing.

She told me that I was dissociating. That I had multiple personalities. In the counselors office. She told me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder

I still didn't run for the hills. What was I thinking?

I quickly realized that this was a sick psychological game that the borderline was playing. A sick game.

The counselor looked at me and queried, "do you think that you're doing this?"

"I don't remember doing this," I responded.

He said that he had no choice, but had to refer us to a counselor for evaluation and treatment. Later, he told me that the treatment was going nowhere and he needed to refer us to someone who could help move us along.

We then went to see Valerie, together and apart, for a full year. Learn about what happened with Valerie and my Dissociative Identity Disorder evaluation and treatment.

The Last Bin

After we broke up, I always had a hint of trying to get back together with the BPD. I wanted to heal, but if she had come begging back to me and had promised to try to fix herself, I might have considered staying in the relationship.

After all, she and I had been together for nearly 2 years. I didn't want to throw that much history away, and if she could stabilize, I would have considered a reconciliation.

So, we had sent a flurry of text messages and emails back and forth during the early part of March, and of course, there was drama where she accused me of a bunch of things, was downright mean and nasty, then rejected me once again...all in a chain of emails and text messages.

Amazing. The BPD could make you feel terrible without even talking to you. The nice thing was that I didn't have my hopes up high.

I remember that even in our text messages, we were communicating well, then, she turned; it was like you could have snapped your fingers with the way that a Borderline turns on you.

If you're going through this or in a relationship with a Borderline, that's how you can tell that they're truly Borderline -- you could be on great terms and having a great time with them, and in the snap of your fingers, they'll turn on you for a reason that makes no sense to you.

Anyway, back to the story. We had communicated a number of times, but in the end, she once again pushed me away.

I would normally try to pull her back in. I was done. I knew that there was a big world out there, and remaining with her was only going to be detrimental to my well-being.

Take the Band-Aid off, Rhonda said.

I didn't try to get back in.

Thirty minutes later, she tried to pull me back in. She sent me a nearly illegible email telling me how much of a nasty, sick, demented person I really was, and how I was going to rot in Hell or something like that.

I got it now and wasn't falling for it anymore. So I didn't respond.

Man, that must have pissed her off.

I was moving on -- as best that I can. I had started dating, and was talking with a number of people.

I was trying to heal. Trying hard.

Take one day at a time, boy. Do the best that you can. Go to work, contribute, do the best that you can. Put one foot in front of another. Do the right thing.

The week is ending. I pick my kids up and take them back to my place. As I pull up, I notice one of my plastic bins outside my place.

Holy crap. How did that get there?

I bring the bin inside and inspect its contents. It's all things that I had left at the BPDs when I lived with her: my iron, some tools, things I had left in the garage, Christmas ornaments that I had bought for her and my kids, nothing really special.

Except one thing -- a can of spray starch -- called Faultless spray starch.

How poetically ironic. Faultless.

Of course, the BPD would accuse me of being Faultless. I always told her that I was human, that I made mistakes, just not the mistakes that she accused me of making.

Once again, I felt like I was going to cry. I called one of the girls I was dating and told her (she had become a confidante, or so I thought) what had happened and how I felt. She told me that I needed some more time alone, and to call her in around a month.

Wow. Get hit between the eyes then get kicked in the nuts in the same hour. Thanks.

So she had returned everything that was mine. Things were really over.

A part of me was sad.

A part of me was mad. How much mistreatment can one person take?

Not much more. It was my turn to settle the score and show her true nature to others. Time to find the world that she had before me so she would know that I knew.

It was time for the Saint Patrick's Day Celebration.

Next time, learn about Saint Patrick's Day and what happened.

The Goodbye Letter

We've all been there -- heartbroken from the termination of a relationship. Of course, the heartbreak felt from the termination of a BPD relationship is just a little more -- maybe a lot more -- traumatic. Combine this with all the other life events occuring -- changing jobs, moving, etc., and you've got a Perfect Storm.

So, we finally broke up in December, 2007. She stormed away, telling her that she'll never trust me, and I didn't follow her. I didn't really contact her. I read a number of books, namely one titled, Surviving the Loss of a Loved One/When Your Relationship Ends. Pretty basic, but good overall.

I was such an incredible sap when the relationship first was over. I cried all the time, was so lost...it was pathetic. Looking back, I can't believe it, but when you're so broken, you're broken. No excuses.

Anyway, the book recommended that I write a goodbye letter, recapping the good aspects of the relationship as well as the bad ones. They tell you that you don't have to necessarily give it to the person, but it's more a form of self-medication.

As I think you can see, I'm a writer. A professional writer also. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm sad. I just...write all the time. It's how I express myself.

Of course I would write a letter. So I sat down, pulled out a pen and paper, and wrote the letter. I wrote goodbye to all the good things -- the fun times, the good things about her. Then I wrote goodbye to all the bad things, including her misery. It was good -- real good. I felt good about the letter.

The purpose of the goodbye letter is to mourn the relationship and help you put the relationship away. I wrote it in January, and did all the work that I was supposed to -- read the books, went to counseling, etc. In March, I decided that I would "put the relationship to bed" -- so I went down to Delaware, the place where she and I spent lots of time and I created a "Commitment Document" (the topic of another discussion, later), took the "Anchored Together" keychain that she bought for me, and threw it into the bay -- far into the bay.

I was feeling better -- not really. I was mourning the relationship and just wanted it to be over. Ironically, as I was getting to the place where I was going to throw the chain into the Bay, the song Landslide began to play:

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

So, I cried more and more and threw the keychain into the Bay. Ironically, I was beginning to feel better. I had a whole box of her stuff, and I was going to throw it out--the pictures, the goodbye letter, the everything. I was so whacked that I even got a Valentines Day card for her.

Instead, I threw out everything. Except the Valentines Day card and the goodbye letter. Those, I dropped in her mailbox.

That started the second interaction with her. Before, we had traded text messages a couple of times, but nothing was really exchanged. I call the first interaction a couple of emails that we traded where I wrote to her something like, "you're right I'm a big liar," then I make a bunch of ridiculous statements about how I'm such an incredible liar.

They finished with statements that while she and I were dating, I had married someone else and they were living in the side of the mountain, in the woods, where I kept them from anyone. She later told me that she had believed my statements. Ugh.

This second one was a real exchange. It started a day or two after I dropped the letter and card, and lasted for about a week. I thought we had a chance at getting back together -- for about a minute or so.

At first, the exchange was calm, with both of us writing about how much we missed the relationship. Eventually though, like any exchange with a BPD, they need to start breaking down your walls so they can force their misery on you. They start telling you how bad you are, and how you've hurt them,. which begins their first trap. By the end, it was ugly. She was being downright mean and beligerant. Sometimes, she went as far as telling me, "you're screwing with me," when, of course, I was only trying to treat her as good as possible.

It was real bad.

Her true colors came out once again.

In the middle of these exchanges, the kind side of her would come out. I remember her telling me to be sure that I turn my clock ahead for daylight savings then good night. It was wierd. It was totally borderline.

At the end, she told me that we were not meant to be together, and that she was moving on. Then, she sent me a nasty, delusional email about 30 minutes after this, calling me a character in one of my writings (a demented character). I never responded to her about that, to this day, which is nearly 1-1/2 years later.

That's how the Goodbye Letter ended. In misery.

Saint Patrick's Day to follow.

Healing Takes A Long Time

I read through my old posts and I sit here amazed at myself:

I thought that "The chapter was over" over a year ago?

I thought that all would be better and I could just move on after being in a relationship like this?

I thought that the trauma of what occurred in the relationship with the BPD would be over by now?

I thought wrong.

I haven't seen her since December 9, 2007. Two thousand seven. We're going on two years here. Yet she still haunts me. We were only together for a little less than two years.

It's nowhere, I mean nowhere, near what it was like a year ago, but there are times that I still think about her.

I don't really think about the good times. I think about what she did, how I lived through it, and how horrible it truly was. I'm still amazed at a lot of the things, and I can't believe that I stayed in the relationship despite the abuse. That's what a divorce does to you, though. I was still healing from the divorce and didn't want to admit another broken relationship.

The relationship was truly traumatic. The nicest person in the world who is constantly telling you that you're bad, you're doing things that you're not, you're sick and demented, you're twisted, etc., eventually breaks into you. They may not necessarily break you, but they break into you and scar you.

You do have a little post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to get balance back in your life. Be sure to heal fully, and go back to church. I would bet that many that are in relationships with borderlines have lost their spiritual foundation.

I'm still shedding the baggage from the relationship. It will be a little longer, but some day, I'll shed it.

One day at a time, boy. One day at a time.

Going Down The Road, Feeling Bad

I was thinking about what it was that made me hold on, made me stay for so long. Why did I continue to put myself out there, put myself at risk and continue to work with her?

One major aspect was the fact that I felt so bad for her. Someone that would think such horrible things of me must have issues, and to view the world in such a way must be horrible. 

I remember telling her that I was such an optimistic person, and that the world was such a beautiful place, that I couldn't even fathom thinking the way that she did.

I felt bad for her. I wanted to show her how good I was, how I felt about her, the love I had for her. No matter what, she never believed. 

It's strange because I needed to have the relationship to sink to the levels that I needed for true growth. Without feeling broken, I would not have worked so hard -- and continued to work -- to fix myself and fix the issues that I have.

Broken. That's how you feel when you get out of a relationship like this. I remember when we first broke up, I felt so lost, so abandoned, I had no direction, no nothing. The world that I thought I was building with her was just a facade, and I don't think that she ever really believed that we would be together. She was going through the motions, emotionally unavailable because of her illness.

I remember, right before we split for good, her telling me about a conversation that she had with her father, where he said something like, "I guess we're going to be welcoming him [me] back into the family."

Guess not, Gary.

For those of you in the throws of a breakup in an unstable relationship, or even worse, a relationship with a BPD, I know that it's difficult. It does get better though. Much better in time. You have the opportunity to emerge out of the relationship a stronger person with amazing self confidence and self esteem.

Did she cheat?

I was recently asked if she cheated on me. Borderlines are known to cheat on their partners quite often.

She probably did cheat on me. There were weekends when we were first dating when she would suddenly be unavailable and not speaking with me, so she probably did, early in the relationship. I remember, early in the relationship, she was feeling insecure and paranoid about me cheating, and she said, "you know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I was usually quite confident and jovial in my approach to the Borderline. This one struck me hard, and I suddenly got serious, stared right at her, and queried, "what did you say?"

She repeated herself.

I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "if you cheat on me, this relationship is over."

She never said or hinted that she would cheat based on her perceptions again. Although she still had her paranoid suspicions, she knew better than to say such things to me.

This is the textbook definition of setting a solid boundary for the BPD. The borderline knew that cheating would not be tolerated, so while she continued to think that I was cheating, she would not cross that boundary, or even test this boundary.

She probably did cheat, early in the relationship, before I set the boundary for her. After the boundary was set, she never would have done such a thing.

In the end, it doesn't matter -- if the relationship is so dysfunctional, you should get out. If she cheats, don't tolerate such poor treatment.

Where to Go From Here?

I read through my old posts and am amazed at the person I was. So full of fear, so afraid of being left. I know that I'm back to the person that I was before the entire relationship began, probably better because I'm through the divorce as well.

Some things have become evident to me:

• Many times, so many times, I've said that I was healed and was "over" the relationship. Who was I fooling? I'm finally feeling like I'm pretty much over it. I swear! It takes a full year, count it a year, to get over this kind of relationship. Your sense of right and wrong is completely in question
  
• It's an illusion. An absolute illusion. Although you think that the relationship is real, it's not. It's a mirage, I'm sorry to say. That's one of the hardest things for me to accept. I thought I was in a real relationship when, in fact, it was bogus.
  
• You will have baggage. Of course, you can minimize your baggage, but you will have baggage from such a relationship
• With all that said, you can recover from a relationship like this and grow as a result. You can either grow up or let it put you down. 

I had some growing to do, so I did it. Or, I should say, I'm doing it.

So, I have this blog that's well-viewed by readers around the world and hopefully helps others with their issues, trouble and journey. By no means am I a professional. I've simply expressed my thoughts, feelings and events that have occurred with the BPD.

Here's what I'll do:

• Continue to document my thoughts, feelings, happenings, etc on this blog
• I'll also start linking the blog out better to more useful resources
• Recap some of the other events that happened in the relationship:
• Being kicked out
  
• Being kicked out -- again
  
• The private investigator
  
• Denise and the accusations
  
• Constant STD scares
  
• The three hour talk
  

Feel free to post comments asking for what you'd like to see. Please note that I will not reply to posts as this is an anonymous blog and I need to keep it as such.

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

Post Script One -- LIfe after BPD

It's been 9 months since the relationship with the BPD ended for good. We haven't had contact for nearly 6 months.

I'm now living life after being with a Borderline.

I never thought I would be where I am now. I'm once again back to myself. Not scanning rooms, making sure that the BPD is not somewhere before entering a restaurant, store, or any other public place. No longer fearing everything.

You can take your life back after being with a borderline, and life can be better than ever.

Relationships are particularly difficult after a relationship with a Borderline. It takes time to replace bad memories with good ones, and it takes time to reprogram yourself so you aren't so fearful of everything that the BPD used to punish you for. The list could be lengthy.

Depending on the relationship, it's like reprogramming yourself after suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When one is ready (and only when they are ready), one has to find a person who is very patient and understands that you can recover.

The good news is that you're not permanently damaged; you're only damaged permanently if you want that plight. If not, do the work and make yourself better.

I have met a wonderful woman who was patient with me. She's so wonderful and so patient. When we first started dating months ago, she saw my fear and the damage that the relationship had done to me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without the fear of accusation setting in. Now, we joke about scratches on my body.

I never thought I could joke about such things. She is a wonderful, understanding woman.

The nice thing is that there is life and healthy relationships after a relationship with a BPD. Life is better than ever. I've learned to appreciate the important things in life, ignore the unimportant, and have gained an understanding of many things that I never before fathomed.

Why Did I Get Into A Relationship With A BPD In The First Place?
I ask myself this question quite frequently. I think that it happened because I was having such shame about the marriage, and the BPD offered me the life that I always wanted. Unfortunately, the life was an illusion and not real. Once we were together, it quickly unfolded, but I was caught in the BPDs lair at this point.

The BPD's negativity caused me to overcompensate by over-committing. I over committed on every aspect, and this was my demise. I was emotionally, physically and financially over committed because of the BPDs disposition. Life was clearly not right, but I just wanted to make it right.

I now understand. I now live in a healthy relationship with no drama. We don't fight. We discuss issues that we have, and we resolve them. I may have needed the relationship with the BPD to reinforce the good in the current relationship.

Life is good, even after a relationship with a BPD. You can get out, and you can thrive. Don't forget it.

The Chapter Ends

Well, it's time to close this chapter of my life. What a chapter it has been. I've grown more in the past few years than I have in the rest of my adult life, and I've emerged that person that I always wanted to be. I've renewed my faith in my religion, have gotten to a point of content, and have truly believed in myself and in the goodness of humanity once again.

As I'm reaching this point of being content and pushing out this positive energy, this positive energy attracts someone who's amazing, and someone who I knew over 20 years ago. I went to high school with her; we were acquaintances that were in similar, but always different circles.

We met on an online dating site and didn't realize that we knew one another or went to the same high school until we had been communicating for days. The initial attraction was there and was developing quickly without each of us knowing that we knew each other, but it all gelled -- quite quickly -- once we knew who each of us was.

The strange thing is that I remembered her voice, yet she said we never talked. I remembered it vividly. I also remembered the jacket she wore, although she said that we never talked. I remembered that vividly and remembered the people that she hung around with as well.

Despite the picture that I had in my head of her, she still looked a little different in the picture. When I saw her though, I knew that it was her - she looked the same except she dyed her hair blonde. What did she say to me? "You look exactly the same."

Since seeing each other the first time, we've spent quite a bit of time together. We spent an entire weekend together, away and playing on the beach.

We fit quite well together from every perspective. We have fun like there's no tomorrow, we laugh together, we love together; we are affectionate all the time, and we support one another. We have a true partnership, and the care that we have for one another emanates from us.

You Can Have a Healthy Relationship After A Borderline Relationship

I stayed in the relationship with the BPD for a long time because I was afraid that I would never have many of the things that I had with her. With my new partner, I have all of those things and more without any drama, dysfunction or abuse on me. It's all possible, if you do the work and believe in yourself.

I believed in myself, and it happened. Anyone who was in a relationship with a partner inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder can heal themselves and have a functional relationship after their relationship with the BPD, but they must properly heal themselves. It's probably the most difficult process that I've been through, but I now feel much better.

I've replaced most of the bad memories that the BPD had put into my head, but some will still emerge. When they do, I easily clear them and laugh about them quite regularly -- someone should never accuse you of sending text messages when you're going to the bathroom -- that's just silly.

Like I've said before, the relationship made me grow quite a bit. Now, it's time to develop a solid, functional relationship with a wonderful woman that shares my spirit, my soul, my faith, my love of life. We have infinite possibilities together, and we know that. We also have a long road ahead of us before our relationship can be permanent, but we're both optimistic, which is nice.

You can have a quite happy, healthy life after a relationship with a Borderline.

I hope you've enjoyed these journals and the story of this part of my life with a BPD. With that, I bid you adieu.

Birthday

Today's her birthday. She's 41. Happy birthday.

They say that it takes one year to fully heal from a relationship like this one. You have to go through the anniversaries, the holidays and the birthdays. I understand that.

Actually, the birthdays I spent with her were okay; they weren't wonderful. Last birthday, I got her 40 gifts for her 40th birthday. I know that a 40th birthday is supposed to be a big one, but unfortunately, she had kicked me out two weeks before and I had just moved back in the week before, so I wasn't able to plan any celebration for her. Not only that, she told me that her friends couldn't do anything because it was Mothers' Day weekend.

She made me feel bad anyway for not planning a huge celebration. We went to a local restaurant with her sister, parents (who were in town for her birthday) and kids, and she got drunk. Quite drunk. Her father wanted to talk to me later and tell me that I was an abusive man. My God, look at your daughter for once.

I still wonder how I could have planned a huge celebration when I didn't live with her before her birthday. I think that I moved back in a week before her birthday. Still, I managed to figure out 40 gifts for her that ranged from a golf bag and some special clubs to tickets to see a concert.

It still wasn't enough. Never enough for her. The woman was so selfish and so self-absorbed that it didn't matter what she did to me. All that mattered is what she felt. Her sister didn't plan a huge party. Her parents didn't have an enormous gathering brewing. She didn't kick them out of the house and refuse to communicate with them.

That was me. Yet I endured. I stuck with it. I jumped through hoops, being told that I was an abusive person by her father. And I took it, all in an effort to get her help and help her see.

I thought that she would see the light in time. I thought that a counselor would start treating her. No one ever did.

I now get to shed this baggage. I want it gone. I want the ill feelings gone. I want it all gone.

I never thought I'd say that, but the time has come.

Her birthday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Is was actually quite good. I met up with a group of friends by happenstance and going to see a band play. We couldn't find the bar, actually I couldn't find the bar because I knew where it was. We joked that it was like high school again when you were going to a party, and it really felt like this.

I realized that this is what my new life is like. I don't know what's happening day to day, and it's a life of uncertainty. But that's okay right now. The nice thing is that anything could happen, and it's pretty nice having this feeling right now.

I'm getting comfortable in my new life, and I'm about to make big changes and try to live my dream life. I'm also starting to look around at houses, and church is back in my life. I'm starting to really get it together. Nice feeling. A real nice feeling.

A day that I thought was going to be so tough ended up being okay. That's what I'm shooting for -- okay. Don't need the moon and the stars yet, just need a state of stability.

Now that's cool. The Me Project is working.