Heartbroken

I don't think that I've ever said some of the basic things that resulted from the breakup -- first, I couldn't get through to her, no matter how hard I tried. Secondly, she broke my heart. Into a million pieces.

I thought that I could get through to her. I thought that she was doing it -- realizing what the issues were and ready to fix them. Instead, it became a sick psychological game -- I've written about this -- where I became the reason for her misery.

It was quite difficult. I thought that anyone would eventually realize that she had a good person in me. I thought that I could rise above her mental illness and pull her out of her misery and self-loathing. I tried everything -- from cards that I made that indicated 'if you're feeling anxious, read this' intended to calm her anxiety to the commitment declaration. Nothing worked, which was such a tough lesson -- that I couldn't get through to her.

In the end, she broke my heart. She broke my frigging heart. I don't think that I've written that since this entire blog began. Two years after I started writing about this, and I can now say that she broke my heart.

I'm not used to having my heart broken -- that was probably part of the pain I felt. However, with a Borderline, it's worse.

If a "normal" -- whatever that means -- person breaks your heart, you understand why. They just weren't into you. But when a Borderline runs from you, it's for reasons that don't make sense. They're not based in reality, so you don't understand it. It's nonsensical, usually wrapped in rage, and you don't understand why it happens.

What's the worst part of a borderline breakup? You know that you can get back into the relationship -- you can go back and you can get her back. However, you need to take certain demeaning steps -- let her kick you out and come crawling back. Have her hit you, nail you right in the face, and take it. I didn't take much from her, but there were times when I took her downright abuse.

At that point in the relationship, I probably could have gotten back in, but I would have been forced to break natural barriers -- like go to her house or do something heroic so I could show my love for her. I refused to do this -- it was too much. Ironically, right before the last incident, she had told me how much she had appreciated how much I had shown her about herself and how much she had grown since we had been together.

My heart was broken, and I had to stay away. That's why I wrote -- it was, and continues to be, the best medicine. All of you who read this help me keep this going. Now I've healed, and I hope that I can help heal those of you that feel heartbroken, broken and just down from a borderline breakup.

All of our situations are different. But borderline breakups share quite a few common threads. From the dysfunction to the abuse, this is all indicative of a borderline breakup.

Let me know what else you need -- drop me a line by sending an email to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com.

Need To Reach Me?

Enough of you have asked to get in touch with me over the years (yes, it's been years now) to discuss some part of your own recovery/journey as it relates to BPD. So, I've finally created one:

mybpdrecovery@gmail.com

Feel free to drop me a line with questions. I can't promise that I'll answer all of them, but the most pressing ones will be responded to. Feel free to drop me a line with:

- Requests for future posts

- Questions

- Any other topic that you feel necessary.

The goal of this email address is to help make this blog even more useful to those that read it. The readership continues to grow, and we hope to continue this trend as those recovering from a relationship with someone afflicted with BPD realize that they're not alone and they can get through the pain that they feel.

Counseling

So, you get into a relationship with someone, and it's fraught with issues. She is a sweet person quite a lot of the time, but there are times where she is saying things that just aren't right.

They're wacky.

I remember thinking, people really think like this?

I learned that it's true and people really do think like that.

She could be the one, you think. But clearly, for this to work, we'll need to see counseling.

The BPD and I saw a total of four counselors. Tens out thousands of dollars. When you thought you were getting somewhere, you'd be brought back to square one, all in a blink of the eye.

A Sick Psychological Game

I remember how everything worked well. The relationship was great, but there were issues. So we went to a counselor that she had seen quite some time ago. The counselor saw her for a while, then told her it's time to go and released her.

I've learned that many psychologists dismiss their borderline patients because they will eventually try to manipulate the psychologists. Conversations go in circles and ultimately nowhere.

There are many therapies that work for borderlines. For the therapies to effectively work, however, the borderline must admit that they have issues, which is quite difficult for most afflicted with the disease.

So we went to her counselor first. After being there for an hour, she admitted that she was carrying old scars from previous relationships and that she needed to go back to counseling.

We never went back to that counselor again. The BPD admitted that the issue was theirs; not good for the BPD.

So, we next went to Gina, about two to three months after this. Gina was more convenient -- about ten minutes from my work.

We saw Gina once, but the BPD didn't like Gina. Gina was attractive and her office was in her house. The BPD told me, point blank, that she was afraid that I would sleep with Gina if we were in counseling sessions alone together.

Huh?

I went to Gina after I was kicked out the first time (see The Private Investigator entry). She was the first professional who told me that the BPD was, in fact, BPD. The first counselor was hers and would not disclose anything to me.

So, she kicks me out, I go to Gina, and I go back to her. We again need a new counselor, but this time, I want it to be someone to medicate her.

So, we go to Henry. We see Henry for a couple of months, and I think that things are going well. But, she refuses to medicate herself. I eventually request that I get medicated!

I was on Lexapro for about two weeks and realized that it did nothing for me. Oh well.

It Can All Fall Apart

Life was crazy. She was making life crazy. I had just gone through a divorce, was trying to be great to my children, trying to balance a stressful Internet Marketing job, and care for the unrealistic needs of a borderline.

"If you try to do it all," Henry warned me, "it will all fall apart." I remembered his words and have tried to simplify life whenever possible.

While we were seeing Henry, everything shifted. While I initially began discussing the issues and the problems that I was having with her behaviors, she shifted the conversations to problems that she was having with me. Once at Gina's, she came out and called me a narcissist, but now, she was letting it all fly. I was defending my behaviors and issues and trying to justify things.

Schizophrenic

Then, she went to the next level. She said that my behaviors were things that I had no recollection of, things that I didn't know that I was doing.

She told me that I was dissociating. That I had multiple personalities. In the counselors office. She told me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder

I still didn't run for the hills. What was I thinking?

I quickly realized that this was a sick psychological game that the borderline was playing. A sick game.

The counselor looked at me and queried, "do you think that you're doing this?"

"I don't remember doing this," I responded.

He said that he had no choice, but had to refer us to a counselor for evaluation and treatment. Later, he told me that the treatment was going nowhere and he needed to refer us to someone who could help move us along.

We then went to see Valerie, together and apart, for a full year. Learn about what happened with Valerie and my Dissociative Identity Disorder evaluation and treatment.

Saint Patrick's Day

After the relationship with the BPD ended, I had little interaction with her. She and I did not communicate because in a Borderline relationship, you cannot have contact with the partner. They will end up accusing you of horrible things that you probably did not do, but nonetheless, it's stressful and risky.

I had just received a bin full of my belongings from the Borderline. She left them, along with a container of Faultless starch, on my porch.

I felt terrible.

I felt angry.

I felt like it was time for me to be a single guy. Spend a night on the town, just hanging out, and being myself. Or, maybe do something else.

Maybe I find Bob.

Finding Bob -- Borderlines' Old Boyfriends Help Fill In The Missing Pieces

Bob was her last major Boyfriend. Bob had dated the BPD for 3 years, according to the BPD. She cheated on her now dead husband with Bob. Had a full-out affair, admitted it and stopped, then went back to the affair around the same time that her husband passed away in a drunk driving car accident.

From what the BPD told me, Bob was a narcissist:

- Bob cheated on her regularly

- Bob was charming and handsome, but mean underneath

- Bob watched pornography regularly and did nasty things to the BPD

- Bob victimized the BPD

- Bob mistreated the BPD

- Bob lied to the BPD regularly

- Bob was married but getting divorced when he was with the BPD

- Bob now has a restraining order from seeing the BPD because of the night they broke up. More about that in the future.

When I met the BPD and began dating her, she told me on the first date that she was victimized by a narcissist. She told me that Bob promised her the world, but just took advantage of her. I felt so bad for her, and I had such compassion for her because of what Bob did to her.

I wanted to find Bob and beat him up.

When the phone rang and she got hang ups, she said that it was Bob calling. So much that I eventually answered the phone so he would know that I was there and she was protected.

When we first moved in together, the BPDs parents told her that they were quite comforted because I would be there to take care of her.

Looking back, she took care of herself just fine. She made herself vulnerable to the world so she could take full advantage of it.

When we first started dating and she would act irrationally, abnormally or just plain crazy, I would tell her that this behavior was not acceptable. At first, it was so outrageous that it was cute, but eventually, I needed to understand the root cause.

The BPD would apologize profusely, telling me that she had been the victim of Bob, the narcissist, and that she had overreacted as a result. After hearing her story, I always felt bad for her, terribly bad, and I would accept her apology.

I would tell her, "Don't do it again."

She'd do it. Again and again.

Eventually, in her mind, I became Bob. Looking back, I think in the beginning, she thought of me poorly and treated me as such, but over time, her image of me as a narcissist strengthened, and she made everything into that. She changed history to fit that image of me, because only really screwed up people could love someone like her, in her mind.

Back to finding Bob. I decided to go out in the town that Bob lived. He was a public official and well-known, and it was the night where the town had its Saint Patrick Day's celebration. The town is a small city so finding him was not easy. I had tried before. a couple of times and could not find him.

I worried that I would have difficulty recognizing him. I had only seen him once, at a bar with the BPD, when she told me that he was there and pointed him out to me.

Oh, by the way, he had a restraining order against the BPD also. She had said that this was standard practice -- both parties have restraining orders against one another when there is an incident. So, he couldn't go near her and neither could she.

So, I went out that night by myself, enjoying myself immensely. I treated myself to sushi, walked around the town, had a couple of drinks, then settled having a few smokes (I was smoking back then -- wonder why) at the cigar bar.

As I'm sitting there, I notice Bob behind me. Holy crap. I recognized this guy right away -- right away -- in a huge crowd.

I went over to him right away and asked to speak with him, taking him to another part of the bar where we could talk privately.

I introduced myself to him, told him that I had been in a relationship with the BPD and told him the current situation. We spent the rest of the evening discussing things:

"Did you ever cheat on her," I queried?

"No, I was always true blue to her," he responded. "I was going to marry her."

Then I asked him a slough of other questions, including the night that they broke up and she told me that he beat her. "She beat me up," he responded. I didn't ask any additional questions about that, but clearly, stories didn't jive.

Then he told me a story about how she was a victim of her now dead husband. He told me that she said that he tried to strangle her, and that she cried to Bob about this.

I remember hearing the story, but it was never like this.

By the end of the night, it was clear that the BPD's stories were just that -- stories. We talked about girls that the BPD had told me that Bob was sleeping with while they were in a relationship, things that she had done while they were together (like sleeping with his best friend), and more.

This woman had wreaked havoc on this poor guy's life. After she was gone, he had ruined his marriage, his career had been impacted, and his friends were impacted.

Typical borderline.

So, there I was, a couple drinks in me, and I had just found everything out -- I had just discovered that all the things that she told me and I believed were lies, and she was merely projecting her lies onto me.

I send her a couple of text messages that night. The first one says, "Bob says hi." This one was in Bob's presence.

She replies, "that's mean."

I reply, "I know the truth now."

She replies, "so do I."

Then, I get ugly. I start sending me messages that say things like, "you cried to Bob that Jeff was an abuser, choking you, then you cry to me about Bob abusing you? You're a big fat f'ing liar."

I forget the rest but a sent her a flurry of messages that continued until about 4 a.m. -- probably about 5 in all, saying things like "you've hurt me so bad and accused me of being a monster when you're the monster. I just want to heal." I woke up early and sent another.

She didn't reply. That was the last time I ever communicated with her.

Since then, she has contacted the counselor that we both saw and told her that she feared for her safety because I hung out with Bob that night. The counselor told me to stay clear of her and that, "she's trying to take you down."

Also, she contacted the police on Father's Day of that year, indicating that I had broken into her online photo account and put pictures of myself online. I spoke with the officer for quite some time, indicating that I did nothing of the sort. We discussed my options -- get a restraining order against her, file harassment charges, or leave it be, and we decided to leave it be.

Borderline breakups are pure drama. Borderline relationships are pure drama. Borderline lives are pure drama -- that's how they get their identity. If you can, steer clear of them -- they'll shorten your lifespan and make your life much more stressful. No fun, long term.

Will a BPD Try To Contact You After The Relationship Has Ended?

So, will a BPD try to contact you after the relationship has ended?

It depends on the BPD.

Remember, most BPDs would also suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so they're quite possesive. If they have someone to replace you, you may not hear from them. If they don't, it depends.

Remember, the BPD likes to be the victim -- the vulnerable seductress, some call them. Because they like to be portrayed as such, they can't contact you. Then, how could they say, "you contacted me?"

They want you to beg them to come back to them. The more you go back, the more the abuse escalates. Believe me, I know.

Look at all the stories I've outlined here -- being kicked out, twice. But I went back. She could always say, "but he went back."

In the Borderline's mind, they're the victim, not you. They have to play the victim. If they come back to you, they're not the victim.

Some borderlines are so afraid of being alone that they'll break down and come to you. Many though, are so attractive that they can quickly latch onto someone new quite quickly.

The BPD may also contact you and accuse you of things. This is how my ex BPD contacted me after the relationship ended. She accused me of messing with her computer system and hacking into it. Downright goofy.

If others have urged you not to have contact with her, don't have any contact. They're looking out for your own good.

I know, it hurts. I know that you want to. You're addicted to the person.

It gets better, I promise. It takes over a year -- a full year -- to break the addiction. You can do it though. Do whatever you need to do -- recruit friends, pray, talk to a professional, read, pray some more.

You'll get through it.

The Grand Finale

Today was the day -- or maybe it was next week -- but for history's sake, I'm going to mark today as the day that we last spoke, for the final time.

I was at work, and she was in her normal rage. She had told me goodbye, and me, in my not normal self, immediately put myself on a dating site. The BPD had done this one of the many times that we broke up, and she had done it once again this time. She put herself on a dating site.

I put myself on one too. She freaked out. Absolutely freaked.

Now, just to recap, the BPD had put herself on a dating site when she broke up with me. However, when I put my profile on that same dating site, the BPD freaks out.

I start getting text messages that say, "As you read this message with your sadistic shit eating grin, I hope you die in hell with Satan."

I can't believe that I remember that, but I remembered it. In fact, I saved that message on my phone for months. When I would feel real weak and want to reach out to the BPD, I'd look at that message and remember that was her thought towards me.

Then after that, the drama got worse. Her messages went to "ohhhh, I'll miss you....goodbye my lover..." It was so strange, from one extreme of hatred to total disarray.

The saddest thing? I fell for it and played along, fully engulfed in the BPDs drama. She was so upset that I was on a dating site yet had herself on the site before I was there. 

The following day, we spoke on the phone, and she was raging at me. Telling me how bad of a person I was, again, and telling me how all of this was my fault. 

She then told me that she would be going to a bar by my house and not to go there. I told her that I was closer and I was going there. Her response?

"I'll start dating the bartender and get you kicked out."

Huh?

This was the grand finale. Someone that I thought that I was going to marry, someone that I looked at buying the dream house with, someone that I fully let go, tells me that she's going to start dating a bartender to get me kicked out of a bar?

There's priorities for you. 

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

Life Continues to Improve

It's been 10 months since the BPD and I last spoke to one another, when she stormed out of my place, and I didn't give chase. Life has changed quite a bit for me, to say the least. I'd like to say that it has gone back to normal, but it hasn't.

It's gone back to better than normal. My normal has been redefined. Particularly the normal that I had with the BPD, because that wasn't normal. That was dysfunctional.

Looking back, the relationship with the BPD was important to my growth. It was important for me to see true instability and how to navigate away from it. 

Ten months later, she can't come near me now:

- I have a new woman in my life. She's kind, patient, caring, loving, funny, quite attractive, and much more my speed. She's a singer, a mother, a wonderful friend. She supports me like I've never been supported before. I don't think that I was ready for her until now, and that I had to have a relationship with a BPD so I could truly appreciate the new woman.

- I have a new position so she doesn't know where I work. No more calling my office and asking reception, "Is Dennis working today?" then hanging up. 

- I've moved to a place where she has no idea where I live. None. I moved in with my new girlfriend, and she couldn't find me if she wanted to.

With that said, I'm still healing. I'm kidding myself if I don't say that I'm still healing. After being in a relationship with someone inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder for nearly two years, one has to heal so they can have healthy relationships again. They must learn their personal boundaries and exercise them, putting them up firmly for some, then learning to have flexible boundaries. I'm still healing, but it's nearly over. 

The Borderline Personality Addiction

When you spend years with a person afflicted with BPD, you grow addicted. You grow addicted to the highs of the relationship, and you grow addicted to the lows of the relationship. The BPD treats you like a god at times, then treats you as evil other times in their cycle of devaluing and idealizing you. 

Clearly, you love the highs, but you also like the lows as it becomes an opportunity for you to prove your worth. Proving your worth becomes critical when you're in a BPD relationship, as the BPD will constantly devalue you in between their fits of treating you like a God.

When the relationship ends, you want it back so badly that you will now violate boundaries -- the BPDs, your own, whatever -- to get the relationship back. You're now caught in the web of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some have called this, "living the life of a Borderline by proxy," and you really are living like a Borderline. You'll now:

• Call the BPD repeatedly until they pick up. Before you would never do such things. To the BPD, this proves their worth. They don't pick up the phone, and you're desperate to have them talk to you so you can reconnect with them and have them feed you the idealizing that only they can provide
  
• Get upset, jealous, angry about things that never would have bothered you before. Is this really you, or someone who has invaded your body? Look at the BPD, because they occupy your brain now, not you
• Ignore, disown, not pay attention, disregard family and friends to the point of completely cutting them off. One of the key things that BPDs do is isloate you, because if you were well-connected with friends and family, you probably would never have accepted such unacceptable treatment. My Mom used to tell me that she could tell when things were bad with me and the BPD because she wouldn't hear from me for weeks. When things were good, she'd hear from me all the time.
• Feel bad all the time. Maybe you're talking to yourself because you're feeling so bad (I did -- before the relationship ended and afterwards). Maybe you're clenching your teeth (I did for about 6-8 months). Maybe you're crying constantly (I did, particularly after the relationship ended). Believe me, life is fantastic. Stop doing it now.

Personal Growth After the BPD Relationship

The Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery takes time, but you must make sure that you perform all steps:

• Go to counseling and determine why you were in a relationship with a person stricken with BPD. 
• Fix the causes.
• Learn to re-establish clear, healthy boundaries
• If you stopped going to church, go back. If you never went to church, start going. This is critical as the BPD relationship filled a hole in you. It was most likely the "God Shaped Hole" as my Pastor likes to say.
• Re-establish relations with friends and family, if you choose.
• Enjoy life -- it's wonderful when you don't have all of the worries that a BPD puts on you.

The Cycle of Abuse

A counselor that the BPD and I once saw told me that if I stayed in the relationship, that her actions would be considered abusive and would continue to be abusive. Of course, I didn't listen, but that's another story.

Borderlines have a different reality than the normal person, and they have such self-hatred and self-loathing that they do not understand how anyone could care for them and love them. Because of this, they think that the people around them must have something wrong with them, alterior motives, or reason to take advantage of the BPD. This is the basis for how they operate -- they do not want to feel alone, but they cannot fathom how someone would legitimately want to be with them. 

Ultimately, you need to feel bad for the BPD. You can get out of your depression, sadness or whatever you're feeling. The BPD will always feel the way that they do. They will always be unstable. Their fear is that others will discover that they are borderline, so they do whatever they can to hide this, include:

- Take no accountability for anything

- Change reality so they are not responsible and others are responsible

- Accuse others of having BPD and other mental illnesses

When I was with the BPD, I had:

- Narcissism 

- BPD

- Dissociative Identity Disorder

- A compulsive lying problem

- The list goes on

Now, you look at these things and wonder how you could have stayed in the relationship for so long, but it was a slow, gradual process, getting pulled in with the constant idealizing, then being accused of being such a horrible person. The slow process eventually changes your boundaries and tolerance of such inappropriate accusations, actions and the like. 

The most amazing thing about Borderlines is that they look -- and appear -- that they are so well put together.  After all, they have spent years knowing that they viewed life differently, and it takes time to pinpoint the issues and make a decision to go. It took me nearly two years. You've never had life be so good, but you've never had it be so bad either. You cling to the good. When the bad begins to continually outweigh the good, it's time to move on.

Key Learnings

• The BPD took advantage of my own self-doubt. They saw it then preyed on it, playing on my fears. 
  
• The relationship with the BPD was critical to my growth as a person.
• I'm now much more of a man because of the relationship with the BPD. I no longer try to meet other's needs before looking to meet my own. Life is a compromise, not a sacrifice.

Stay tuned. More will be posted in upcoming months. It won't be as regular as before, but as I feel the need to provide updates, I'll provide them. 

Post Script One -- LIfe after BPD

It's been 9 months since the relationship with the BPD ended for good. We haven't had contact for nearly 6 months.

I'm now living life after being with a Borderline.

I never thought I would be where I am now. I'm once again back to myself. Not scanning rooms, making sure that the BPD is not somewhere before entering a restaurant, store, or any other public place. No longer fearing everything.

You can take your life back after being with a borderline, and life can be better than ever.

Relationships are particularly difficult after a relationship with a Borderline. It takes time to replace bad memories with good ones, and it takes time to reprogram yourself so you aren't so fearful of everything that the BPD used to punish you for. The list could be lengthy.

Depending on the relationship, it's like reprogramming yourself after suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When one is ready (and only when they are ready), one has to find a person who is very patient and understands that you can recover.

The good news is that you're not permanently damaged; you're only damaged permanently if you want that plight. If not, do the work and make yourself better.

I have met a wonderful woman who was patient with me. She's so wonderful and so patient. When we first started dating months ago, she saw my fear and the damage that the relationship had done to me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without the fear of accusation setting in. Now, we joke about scratches on my body.

I never thought I could joke about such things. She is a wonderful, understanding woman.

The nice thing is that there is life and healthy relationships after a relationship with a BPD. Life is better than ever. I've learned to appreciate the important things in life, ignore the unimportant, and have gained an understanding of many things that I never before fathomed.

Why Did I Get Into A Relationship With A BPD In The First Place?
I ask myself this question quite frequently. I think that it happened because I was having such shame about the marriage, and the BPD offered me the life that I always wanted. Unfortunately, the life was an illusion and not real. Once we were together, it quickly unfolded, but I was caught in the BPDs lair at this point.

The BPD's negativity caused me to overcompensate by over-committing. I over committed on every aspect, and this was my demise. I was emotionally, physically and financially over committed because of the BPDs disposition. Life was clearly not right, but I just wanted to make it right.

I now understand. I now live in a healthy relationship with no drama. We don't fight. We discuss issues that we have, and we resolve them. I may have needed the relationship with the BPD to reinforce the good in the current relationship.

Life is good, even after a relationship with a BPD. You can get out, and you can thrive. Don't forget it.

The Chapter Ends

Well, it's time to close this chapter of my life. What a chapter it has been. I've grown more in the past few years than I have in the rest of my adult life, and I've emerged that person that I always wanted to be. I've renewed my faith in my religion, have gotten to a point of content, and have truly believed in myself and in the goodness of humanity once again.

As I'm reaching this point of being content and pushing out this positive energy, this positive energy attracts someone who's amazing, and someone who I knew over 20 years ago. I went to high school with her; we were acquaintances that were in similar, but always different circles.

We met on an online dating site and didn't realize that we knew one another or went to the same high school until we had been communicating for days. The initial attraction was there and was developing quickly without each of us knowing that we knew each other, but it all gelled -- quite quickly -- once we knew who each of us was.

The strange thing is that I remembered her voice, yet she said we never talked. I remembered it vividly. I also remembered the jacket she wore, although she said that we never talked. I remembered that vividly and remembered the people that she hung around with as well.

Despite the picture that I had in my head of her, she still looked a little different in the picture. When I saw her though, I knew that it was her - she looked the same except she dyed her hair blonde. What did she say to me? "You look exactly the same."

Since seeing each other the first time, we've spent quite a bit of time together. We spent an entire weekend together, away and playing on the beach.

We fit quite well together from every perspective. We have fun like there's no tomorrow, we laugh together, we love together; we are affectionate all the time, and we support one another. We have a true partnership, and the care that we have for one another emanates from us.

You Can Have a Healthy Relationship After A Borderline Relationship

I stayed in the relationship with the BPD for a long time because I was afraid that I would never have many of the things that I had with her. With my new partner, I have all of those things and more without any drama, dysfunction or abuse on me. It's all possible, if you do the work and believe in yourself.

I believed in myself, and it happened. Anyone who was in a relationship with a partner inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder can heal themselves and have a functional relationship after their relationship with the BPD, but they must properly heal themselves. It's probably the most difficult process that I've been through, but I now feel much better.

I've replaced most of the bad memories that the BPD had put into my head, but some will still emerge. When they do, I easily clear them and laugh about them quite regularly -- someone should never accuse you of sending text messages when you're going to the bathroom -- that's just silly.

Like I've said before, the relationship made me grow quite a bit. Now, it's time to develop a solid, functional relationship with a wonderful woman that shares my spirit, my soul, my faith, my love of life. We have infinite possibilities together, and we know that. We also have a long road ahead of us before our relationship can be permanent, but we're both optimistic, which is nice.

You can have a quite happy, healthy life after a relationship with a Borderline.

I hope you've enjoyed these journals and the story of this part of my life with a BPD. With that, I bid you adieu.

Grace

At church on Sunday, Pastor talked about grace and how it has to flow freely from you. You need to be able to forgive others for their sins against you, and he cited a passage from the book of Acts. Tears ran down my face as I heard him say that. I feel real bad, but I'm having difficulty following the Lord in this instance.

I cannot forgive her for what she did. I just cannot forgive her.

The way she treated me, the way she acted just wasn't right. It was mean. It was heartless. It was not the way she told me she would treat me. She treated me much worse than she ever promised.

She was so hurtful. She did things with the intention of hurting, or with the intention of not being hurt herself. The world was all about her, and it was at my expense. I tried to show her who I really was, but she just never got it.

It didn't matter what I did or how I acted. She still was bent on the fact that I was bad. When I was there, I was the man in her eyes, but when I walked out the door, I was the devil.

Grudges were held not for months, but for years. She would cite things that happened early in the relationship that were not against her, but she thought that it was something against her, years later.

My children were hurt by her. Her children were hurt by her. The family was split apart because of her actions. I have not seen her girls since September because of her actions.

I am having difficulty forgiving her. All that I can do is pray that I can get the strength to forgive her, and hope that with time, I will be able to do this.

In time, I hope. In time...

The Pain Still Comes, Then Goes

The pain doesn't just go away, no matter how many times I say goodbye to Oz. It stinks, but it's true. You can't, I can't, just walk away from the pain. I committed to fully healing myself from this relationship, and I'm doing just that.

Unfortunately, I'm very impatient.

I want to get on with life. I want to move on. I've done the work, read the books and gone through all of the exercises to heal me. Unfortunately, it does take time. I'm much better than I was in February or March, but I'm still healing.

What's been hurting the most is that I'm now reprocessing all of the events that took place. I now believe that I was played in many instances, and I took it, I was abused and I let it happen.

I believed. I can't believe that one person would manipulate and take such advantage of another person. The worst thing is that if, when she was doing things like break up with me, kick me out or the like, if I did something that she didn't like, I was punished even more by her.

I don't want to go into specifics, but this woman really did mean things. They were manipulative, controlling things, and she knew what she was doing. What a monster.

The worst thing is that she told me every day that I was bad and doing bad things to her, again in an effort to control and manipulate me. The best defense is a good offense, and this woman just unleashed on me. She unleashed whatever she needed to get what she wanted.

My God, how could someone do this to someone that they said that they loved?

The amount of pain that I felt because of her childish needs, wants, insecurities and desires was enormous. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for some of the things that she did. The worst thing is that she tried to blame me in the end.

Change is hard. I'm obviously making good, constructive changes in myself, but I'm still hurt that someone would tell me every day that I'm a bad person. I tell no one, let alone the person that I love, that they're a bad person. My kids would never hear those words out of my mouth.

Personal Life Update

I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)

THE REAL FUN STUFF
- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...

THE EVEN MORE FUN STUFF
- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.

I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...

What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...

Enjoy!

:-)

Paranoid

One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

What Is The Me Project Anyway?

I don't think that I've ever formally described the Me Project, so why not describe it now? :)

The Me Project, like its name implies, is all about me. After being in a relationship of any sort, one needs to work on themselves for a while. One needs to go back to basics, figure out what they want in life, what parts of themselves need development and what parts don't.

This is particularly important for a Non borderline who was just involved with someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The Non needs to do plenty of work on themselves to understand why they got involved with a BPD, what dysfunction they accepted and why. If they were in a relationship like me who was told "you're bad" every day, one will also need some time to clear those hurtful, negative thoughts out of their heads.

So, back to the Me Project. For too much of my life, I've focused on others, and I've ended up with people that I would consider emotional vampires. These people suck the life out of you as they try to find themselves. Critical indicators of this include:
- Low Self Esteem
- Poor Self Image
- Low Confidence Levels
- Overall Negativity
I've been the one to pull them out of their abyss and into a good state. The problem is that it was often at my expense.

So, the Me Project was born. I began this project in 2006, but suspended it when I got involved with the borderline. Of course, this is too much growth for a borderline to handle.

The objective of the Me Project is to reach my fullest potential and make sure that my kids stay on track as well. That's it.

After I got out of the relationship with the BPD, the Me Project went back into effect. Here have been my short term goals:
- Get back into good shape (underway:))
- Heal myself from the BPD relationship (underway:))
- Understand why I was in the relationship with the BPD and how to correct any holes (done!)
- Take on new projects and hobbies to fill my time (underway)
- Get the kids together (underway/done!)
- Live the theories that embody The Secret
- Get my spirituality/faith together (underway)
- Get more involved in community events (not yet started)
- Finish the book (underway)

I've done quite a bit of work that continues. The fruits of my labors are really beginning to show though. I'm attracting people that I truly want to be in my life and are exemplary. I've stepped up a couple of levels in terms of the people in my life and the people that I am attracting.

Something has happened recently. I still don't understand what has happened, but I'm not going to complain.

I'm making it great in 2008. This is my year for me to start some great things.

My 5 year plan? Be on the water (hopefully the beach) writing. I'll probably be on the snow in the winter writing. We'll see, but I'm going to make this come together.

God I love it. It's starting to fire on all cylinders.

The Me Project is working. I've always focused on others too much, to my demise. I never worked enough on me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still a giving person, just not as giving as I was in the past where I gave to the point of my demise.

Now I understand. It's happening right in front of my eyes. A little faith goes a long way.

I can't wait to see what a lot of faith does.

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.



I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!




*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

Believe

I can't believe that I never wrote about Believe. Believe was a word that I used to use all the time with the her. She was constantly accusing me of deceiving her, cheating on her, and the like, and I was constantly countering her with "I'd never do that to you, I care about you too much," "I'm only into you," and the like. I spent my life trying to make her feel comfortable in the relationship.

I devoted myself to helping her believe in the relationship.
I wanted her to believe in my love for her.
I wanted her to believe in what we had and how it was so special. I felt that it was special.

I wanted her to change her attitude from being so negative to a positive one. I bought her books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret," and the like. I've always been positive and have had such positive thoughts, so I could overcome most of her negativity.

With time, even I was overcome by her negativity.

Looking back at the relationship, I held on because I viewed the relationship as so pure, so innocent and such pure love, while I think by exBPD, in her mind, was viewing everything as so ugly.

She just wasn't telling me and letting me have my reality. This way, she's not alone, and I'm out on Cloud 9. I used to tell her that when we were apart and she would be suffering from separation anxiety (as I termed it), I'd be sitting at work on Cloud 9 from the amazing night before.

I compensated for her twisted, crazy reality of suspicion, mistrust and misery by being gregarious, warm and loving, pulling her out of her abyss on a regular basis and bringing her into my world -- my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world.

I always believed that one day, she would realize what she had and who I was. Of course, she didn't. I moved out after giving her a timeline to get her act together. After I moved out, she couldn't control me, and her mind went off the wall. I thought we would last two weeks when
I moved out, and we lasted two months.

What I've realized is that warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is mine. She put her misery on me, and I've been healing from that, but my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is coming back. She goes back to her misery, and I go back to optimism, beauty and positive energy.

I went above and beyond with her on a regular basis, trying to get her to believe in the relationship and what we had. While we never married (she got too much from the government and that would have been cut off), I created a formal Commitment Declaration. This indicated our love for one another, rules of the relationship and commitment to being exclusive to the relationship, which we both signed, put rings on one another's fingers.

God, I tried like I've never tried before. Tears are in my eyes as I think about the efforts that I went through with her. I believed in what we had, and I believed in her.

Within a week, she had violated rules of the commitment, checking my email account or one of the other rules that I explicitly stated. Within one month, she ripped up the Commitment Declaration and threw it in the garbage. Within six months when she kicked me out of her house the second time, she and her daughters (BPDs use the kids as weapons) ceremoniously disposed of the ring by throwing it out somewhere.

She also threw the Believe plaque out multiple times, and I would retrieve it from the garbage. I actually still have it hanging in my house -- when I last saw her and she stormed out of my house, right before she left, she took the plaque off the wall and threw it in the garbage one last time; I, of course, removed it. Again.

When I bought a new cell phone, I put a picture of a sunrise in the background with the word Believe on it. To this day, I still have the Believe background on my phone, nearly two years after I first put it there. In the end, the Believe has been for me:
- I believe in the beauty of human beings, even after this experience
- I believe in pure love
- I believe in the innocence that human has
- I believe in the power of positive energy
- I believe that this world is a beautiful place and every day should be celebrated

I will keep the Believe Plaque for as long as I live. When times are hard, sometimes we have to remind ourselves to believe and not stop. The worst thing to be is a hardened, callous person. You repel people from you instead of pulling them in.

Everyone needs to believe. If we did, think about how much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.

Peace

"You're back to yourself," my ex wife said to me, "even your daughter said something to me about how you don't yell anymore."

I yelled? I have no recollection of yelling at my kids. So I asked them, and sure enough, they confirmed that I yelled at them.

This was when I was in the relationship with the BPD. As it turns out, I would yell at my kids quite often. My oldest said, "that's because you were always fighting with her (the BPD)."

"You guys would fight every night, when we went to bed," my daughter chimed in.

Holy crap. I forgot about that. I forgot about how I felt back then. All I wanted was to make peace; that's all I ever wanted.

All we did was fight, day and night. She never was happy with me. I always did something wrong, from taking too long when I went out to accusations of sleeping with someone else. There were so many other accusations that I'm starting to forget them, thank God.

For the most part, I would stand up for myself. Sometimes, I would just ignore them, and other times, I would accept them. What else do you do? You just want the accusations to go away. You try everything in your power to make them go away.

They don't go away. They only get worse in time.

They only get worse. My God, how could they get worse?

She controlled my every move. She knew when I was going anywhere, whether it be leaving work, going to get my kids, going to take lunch, whatever it may be. And that still wasn't enough. She even said to me once when I told her that she knows my every move, "that's impossible, no one knows someone's every move."

She knew my every move. Yet it still wasn't enough.

Now I understand why I was so angry. Having someone controlling your every move and still not being happy will eventually rip you apart. It will rip you into pieces and make you so frustrated. That's how I got - super-frustrated.

My poor kids. The reason why I wanted to be in a relationship after my marriage was to show them what a healthy couple looks like, what a happy couple looks like. Then I meet the BPD and I show them a world of Oz where I spend less time with them than when I was with their mother.

Now, they have me back. They have "Father of The Year" that focuses on the kids, keeps them active and engaged, and plays with them. I'm the Dad that plays with my kids, I don't watch them play.

They learn from me and my example. The relationship with the BPD was not a good example, but it was less than two years. The whole family still hurts, but in time, it will be better.

Time heals all wounds.

Shine

I remember when the relationship with the BPD began, she told me about this song that she loved called Shine, a song that's absolutely beautiful, but is about a relationship ending. Looking back, it was foreshadowing for the relationship itself:


I can see it in your eyes
what I know in my heart is true
that our love it has faded
like the summer run through
and we'll walk down the shoreline
one last time together
feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
like a feather
but who knows what's waiting
in the wings of time
dry your eyes
we're gonna go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious
and the season so fast
and hey, no matter how cold the horizon appears
or how far the first night
when I held you near
we're gonna rise from these ashes
like a bird aflame
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine
(na na na na na na na na, shine)

And for all that we struggle
for all we pretend
you know, you know, you know it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
step out of the shadow
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
moonfoam and silver

- David Gray



The funny thing is that I am going to go where I can shine now. Before the relationship with the BPD, something was missing in me. I thought that the BPD was missing, but what was missing is in me. It was that self-acceptance, that contentment, that the BPD sniffed out and hammered me about. I have been in the fire, and I have emerged as steel. No longer 'soft' a solid character with confidence in myself. What a good feeling.

I wrote about this in an early blog, years ago: http://www.dennissuler.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/26

Even looking back at that blog, I was so politically correct, so 'not' me. Time changes you, your attitudes and what's important. It's nice to be me again.

This song told me many things about this woman that I chose not to listen:
- She was emotionally unavailable. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out there, so I'll post more about this in the future.
- She had a fatalistic attitude and would not see herself in a relationship long-term. In her mind, the relationship was ending before it began
- She has so much self-loathing that she's just foreshadowing.

If I only knew those things in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved. However, like I wrote earlier, the BPD actually helped me learn quite a bit about myself and helped me ultimately work through those issues in an indirect way. I thank her for that. I'm now the man that I want to be (I've written this before also, but I'm really feeling it) and about to step into my place in the world.

The funny thing is that although I would thank the BPD for helping me become this person, I could never have done it with her. She was too insecure and controlling to let me be my true self, exposing my soul to the world.

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm going to go where I can shine. I hope she gets there someday.