Will a BPD Try To Contact You After The Relationship Has Ended?

So, will a BPD try to contact you after the relationship has ended?

It depends on the BPD.

Remember, most BPDs would also suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so they're quite possesive. If they have someone to replace you, you may not hear from them. If they don't, it depends.

Remember, the BPD likes to be the victim -- the vulnerable seductress, some call them. Because they like to be portrayed as such, they can't contact you. Then, how could they say, "you contacted me?"

They want you to beg them to come back to them. The more you go back, the more the abuse escalates. Believe me, I know.

Look at all the stories I've outlined here -- being kicked out, twice. But I went back. She could always say, "but he went back."

In the Borderline's mind, they're the victim, not you. They have to play the victim. If they come back to you, they're not the victim.

Some borderlines are so afraid of being alone that they'll break down and come to you. Many though, are so attractive that they can quickly latch onto someone new quite quickly.

The BPD may also contact you and accuse you of things. This is how my ex BPD contacted me after the relationship ended. She accused me of messing with her computer system and hacking into it. Downright goofy.

If others have urged you not to have contact with her, don't have any contact. They're looking out for your own good.

I know, it hurts. I know that you want to. You're addicted to the person.

It gets better, I promise. It takes over a year -- a full year -- to break the addiction. You can do it though. Do whatever you need to do -- recruit friends, pray, talk to a professional, read, pray some more.

You'll get through it.

Denise -- A Great Example of BPD Jealousy

I forgot to talk about Denise -- my exBPD's cousin's girlfriend. The BPD thought that I had something for this girl, despite the fact that she was 15 years younger than me and not as attractive as the BPD.

It all started at one of her family reunions. Her cousin and girlfriend (Denise) were staying at the BPD's place. After we spent time with the entire family, they came back and hung out with our clan, always a good time. Except the BPD thought that I had something for her, so in the middle of the night, she starts her accusations:

"You keep asking, 'where's Denise? What's she doing?' WHY DO YOU CARE?"

Ummmm, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

That's not the classic one, though. The following morning, Denise wants to shower. I point her in the direction of the Master Bathroom, give her a towel, and she's taking a shower. Door's closed and she's showering in complete privacy.

After giving Denise the towel, I go into the Master Bedroom Closet to get something. The BPD is on me right away.

"You're stalking Denise. You're waiting for her to get out so you can have a look at her."

Uhhhhh, no, I'm just getting something.

That one was the classic one. She was convinced that i was stalking this girl that was pretty but not as pretty as the BPD, way too young for me, and...well, I think you get the point. She didn't care, though. Somehow I was capable of such a thing.

The following year, the same thing occurred -- her Denise jealousy flared up.

"We're hanging out with Denise all the time...you're making eyes at Denise and hitting on her...you're checking out Denise because she's in a bathing suite..."

Uh, no, no no. Denise and her boyfriend, Frankie, had similar interests and we got along with them. It was a good relationship.

"Take me home now," I told her, "unless you apologize. I'm not taking such treatment. I would never do that to you, and if you think that, then I want you to take me home now."

She apologized.

Denise was brought up in group counseling sessions -- that's how much the BPD really thought that I would hit on a girl that was 22 years old, 15 years younger than me, and the girlfriend of her cousin. BPDs can't fathom that others have boundaries and respect them, because they don't have such boundaries.

That's why it's difficult to trust a BPD. You never know what they're going to do.

Scary. Downright scary that someone can think like that. They can, though.

Beginnings

Bright new beginnings are on the horizon. The memories are becoming good, and the sky just got much more beautiful. The world is getting bigger, and opportunities are blossoming. How nice a feeling -- things are coming together.

Everything happens for a reason -- the lower you sink, the higher you can rise. You don't ever want to let yourself sink to those low places, so you learn how to keep yourself clear of them so they never happen again. I'll never let myself feel that way again. Ever.

Goes back to my new rules -- Never accept being treated badly. Ever.

It's a new me -- a better me. A smarter me. More sensitive? No, but that's okay.

I'm still me, just me, but there are bright skies on the horizon. Time to do it. Go for it.

Dulcinea's Apology

Dear Don Quixote,

I am writing this letter to apologize for my actions during this relationship and for treating you so unfairly. I know that you are a good, noble man who truly loved me with all of his heart. Given my past, this love is not enough for my needs.

In fact, no one's love, support and admiration will be enough for me in my current state. I am not aware of this yet, and if I am aware of this, I won't admit it to anyone else. Even you, Don Quixote.

I know that you always thought that our love was one where we shared all, but there is a part of me that I cannot share with anyone. Although you see a side of me that is beautiful, pure, and funny, there is a part of me that is empty. I try not to show it, but I know that it comes out sometimes.

This side is with me all of the time. There are times when I cannot control this side, and you feel its impacts full-force. I will yell and scream at you, call you names, not trust you and accuse you of things that you never would do. This is partially fears of myself as I act them out as you have done them.

When we were together, things were usually good. With you in my presence, I knew that all was good in the world. The majority of the problems occurred when we were apart. I would think that you were with other people, talking to other people, emailing or communicating with others in romantic ways. I then thought that you were communicating with me at certain times of the day to "get a rise out of me." It didn't matter what efforts you tried to make me feel comfortable, because I am not comfortable with myself, I cannot be comfortable with you. I sense the anger and shame inside myself, and this comes out in harrowing ways.

I am not sure when I began thinking like this and acting like this. While there were signs of these things being present in my life, they probably became most acute after my husband died of a car accident. To be abandoned like this made me feel that no one would ever stay with me and accept me unconditionally, although I have not realized this. I therefore had to reject your love for me in as many ways as possible, although I want it so dearly. Because of how I feel about myself, I can never let you fully into my life harmoniously.

Until I realize these things, which may take me years or may never happen, I will continue this empty feeling and having these tumultuous relationships. I know that you wished to be with me for life, but this is better for you, I am sorry to say. I am simply not ready for such a relationship, and you should be treated better.

I wanted to apologize to you for all of these things and more that I have done to you, and what you have endured:
- The constant accusations that you were cheating on me
- The constant ending of the relationship
- The fact that you continually wanted me to feel comfortable, but it was never enough for me
- The fact that you devoted your life to me and spent *no* time with your friends as a result of my fears
- The fact that you would not pay the appropriate attention to your children because you were putting your time into me and my needs
- The fact that my fears controlled you and your life
- The fact that my fears became your reality and what you had to defend yourself against
- Kicking you out of the house, multiple times, and changing the locks. This must have been humiliating. I should never do this to another human being
- Having the Private Investigator follow you when you travel on business. This must also have been humiliating
- The STD tests that I insisted that you take, despite the regular clear tests
- The lack of trust with anything you said or did

When I look at the list of ways that I treated you, Don Quixote, I am amazed that you stayed in the relationship for such a long time. I know this is because you truly believed in the relationship. You recognized the wrongs you had done and were truly sorry for them. When I brought issues to your attention, you would change them as necessary. I appreciate this. I am sorry to say that I was never able to change much despite the counseling.

When I went to counseling, Don Quixote, I was trying to fix you. I now realize that I cannot fix you, and that I can only work on myself. I'm not sure if I am ready to fix myself; it may take another couple of failed relationships, more self pity, possible violent relationships to realize what I have to do. As I said before, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix myself as my wounds are so deep and I am not ready to admit them.

I wish that I could say that I will always love you, Don Quixote, but I do not think like that. You are either good or evil. While I used to always love you, I now hate you. You are evil and this is how I must think of you to get you out of my life. I am sorry, but this is how I think. I know that you do not understand it.

I will have another relationship, probably in two weeks to a month's time. I need this relationship so I can have an identity again, and this will help provide this. I'll chameleon to the person's likings and be back in love again. I'll probably push them away beginning in one month's time, then harder if we get closer, just like I did to you. I'll put some drama into the relationship whenever I can, because if you play along with the drama, this proves that you are still dedicated to me regardless of how much I abuse you.

Despite the things that I'm about to do, I am truly sorry. I know that you will always love me, as you are a good and honorable man. I wish that you felt better right now, as the pain and confusion that I caused you must be unbearable.

I am sorry that I broke your heart.

Cheers,

Dulcinea