The Committment Declaration

I'm not sure how much I've previously written about this, but it deserves mention again -- the Commitment Declaration.

What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone who is so insecure, so unstable, so untrusting?

You try to stabilize them, any way that you can.

I had just gotten divorced. I was now in a committed relationship with this woman who was so insecure for no reason, so untrusting for no reason, so unstable for no reason.

I thought I could make her feel better. All of my attempts were not helping.

What to do? Not ready to marry (after all, we had only been together for about six months). I got it -- a commitment declaration.

I wrote out a full declaration of the joint commitment. The fact that we were exclusive, we would not cheat or deceive the other, etc.

It was a beautiful document, if I can say so. About six pages in length, written professionally with rules and consequences for the rules (mostly professional counseling -- shocker), and it covered everything.

Everything was spelled out. Rules -- boundaries -- for the relationship. The BPD read it and actually recommended some other rules, so they were added also.

We both signed the declaration, then went and sat on the beach, drinking a bottle of champaigne together. We got Irish cloughter rings and wore them to show our commitment to one another.

I thought that this would make her feel much more secure, much more stable in the relationship.

It didn't.

Within a month, she got upset about I don't know what and ripped up and threw out the Commitment Declaration. All my work -- thrown out.

It actually took her much longer to throw out the cloughter ring. She disposed of that almost a year later in April when she threw them under her deck into a place that can't be reached by human hands.

Nothing I could do -- nothing -- would make the BPD feel more comfortable. For someone like me who feels that they can help positively influence the world, this was quite a frustrating exercise, but one that I had to go through.

Such a relationship really makes you define yourself. Even better, you're forced to verbally say who you are, which reinforces who you are. Before the relationship, I knew how I was but had self-doubt. This self-doubt was washed away, because Borderlines will find this self-doubt in you and exploit it.

You quickly learn who you are. You learn your true essence.

Looking back, I needed the relationship to help me grow. It helped me grow and define myself. It taught me that others do not perceive things the way that I do, and there are times I will not be able to convince others to see the world the way that I do, no matter how hard I try.

These lessons are sometimes hard to learn; they were hard for me. Growing up is not always easy, they say.

Valerie

We started seeing Valerie in April 2007. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. We were first referred to Valerie by Henry, the psychiatrist that I insisted we see. After going to Henry to get the BPD medicated, I ended up medicating myself. After the BPD suggested that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities or schizophrenia), we were referred to Valerie so she could diagnose and treat me.

When we first saw Valerie, I let the BPD talk and explain what she saw. There were parts of me that thought I can't believe that anyone could ever think like this, but there were other parts that began to doubt myself. Am I really dissociating and doing these things to her? Is this really what's happening?

No.

After the first session, we both agreed that I would come back individually for further evaluation. In addition, the BPD would go back individually to Valerie, as there were many issues that Valerie uncovered about the BPD that required more investigation and evaluation.

Things were starting to get verrrrrrry interesting.

Valerie spent time with both of us; after the first session, she told me that she didn't think that I was dissociating at all, but I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-assuredness. That's what BPDs do to you, though; they erode your self-confidence and self-worth.

The BPD spent multiple sessions with Valerie. I spent quite a bit of time with her as well, and I discovered quite a bit about myself. My time with Val actually escallated as the relationship was ending at the end of 2007 and in early 2008. Valerie eventually told me that it was time to go as I had reached a state of contentment.

The BPD spent quite a bit of time with Valerie as the relationship was ending. She and Valerie would regularly have 2 or 2-1/2 hour counseling sessions, which absolutely amazed me.

She sent her to a spiritualist as well, which when I looked back, I always questioned. Today, however, I realize that she sent the BPD to a spiritualist so the BPD could try to feel better in any way possible, including prayer.

Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.

Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.

Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.

While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.

In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.

I did just that.

On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.

"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."

I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.

After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.

So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.

I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."

Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.

She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.

After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.

Once we were in seperate residences, I admitted that I thought that she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Her response? "I don't have BPD, you do." She then embarked on a mission to prove that I was borderline, pulling information from the DSM and everything. She spoke with Valerie about it as well and tried to pin it down on me.

The last time that she saw Valerie was with me two days after Thanksgiving in 2007. We had a three hour session with Valerie where everything came to a head and most things were settled.

In an upcoming post, I'll detail that three hour session, what happened, and how we finished seeing Valerie.

I still have to remind myself that the BPD did the best that she could. In her mind and from her perception, I was the bad guy that did all these terrible things to her. The reality is that I never did those things to her, but her perception won't allow her to understand that. It's a shame, but it's her reality -- her own prison, so to speak. In the end, you need to feel bad for the BPD.

So, look for the story about the final joint session with Valerie real soon. Stay tuned.

Need To Reach Me?

Enough of you have asked to get in touch with me over the years (yes, it's been years now) to discuss some part of your own recovery/journey as it relates to BPD. So, I've finally created one:

mybpdrecovery@gmail.com

Feel free to drop me a line with questions. I can't promise that I'll answer all of them, but the most pressing ones will be responded to. Feel free to drop me a line with:

- Requests for future posts

- Questions

- Any other topic that you feel necessary.

The goal of this email address is to help make this blog even more useful to those that read it. The readership continues to grow, and we hope to continue this trend as those recovering from a relationship with someone afflicted with BPD realize that they're not alone and they can get through the pain that they feel.

Counseling

So, you get into a relationship with someone, and it's fraught with issues. She is a sweet person quite a lot of the time, but there are times where she is saying things that just aren't right.

They're wacky.

I remember thinking, people really think like this?

I learned that it's true and people really do think like that.

She could be the one, you think. But clearly, for this to work, we'll need to see counseling.

The BPD and I saw a total of four counselors. Tens out thousands of dollars. When you thought you were getting somewhere, you'd be brought back to square one, all in a blink of the eye.

A Sick Psychological Game

I remember how everything worked well. The relationship was great, but there were issues. So we went to a counselor that she had seen quite some time ago. The counselor saw her for a while, then told her it's time to go and released her.

I've learned that many psychologists dismiss their borderline patients because they will eventually try to manipulate the psychologists. Conversations go in circles and ultimately nowhere.

There are many therapies that work for borderlines. For the therapies to effectively work, however, the borderline must admit that they have issues, which is quite difficult for most afflicted with the disease.

So we went to her counselor first. After being there for an hour, she admitted that she was carrying old scars from previous relationships and that she needed to go back to counseling.

We never went back to that counselor again. The BPD admitted that the issue was theirs; not good for the BPD.

So, we next went to Gina, about two to three months after this. Gina was more convenient -- about ten minutes from my work.

We saw Gina once, but the BPD didn't like Gina. Gina was attractive and her office was in her house. The BPD told me, point blank, that she was afraid that I would sleep with Gina if we were in counseling sessions alone together.

Huh?

I went to Gina after I was kicked out the first time (see The Private Investigator entry). She was the first professional who told me that the BPD was, in fact, BPD. The first counselor was hers and would not disclose anything to me.

So, she kicks me out, I go to Gina, and I go back to her. We again need a new counselor, but this time, I want it to be someone to medicate her.

So, we go to Henry. We see Henry for a couple of months, and I think that things are going well. But, she refuses to medicate herself. I eventually request that I get medicated!

I was on Lexapro for about two weeks and realized that it did nothing for me. Oh well.

It Can All Fall Apart

Life was crazy. She was making life crazy. I had just gone through a divorce, was trying to be great to my children, trying to balance a stressful Internet Marketing job, and care for the unrealistic needs of a borderline.

"If you try to do it all," Henry warned me, "it will all fall apart." I remembered his words and have tried to simplify life whenever possible.

While we were seeing Henry, everything shifted. While I initially began discussing the issues and the problems that I was having with her behaviors, she shifted the conversations to problems that she was having with me. Once at Gina's, she came out and called me a narcissist, but now, she was letting it all fly. I was defending my behaviors and issues and trying to justify things.

Schizophrenic

Then, she went to the next level. She said that my behaviors were things that I had no recollection of, things that I didn't know that I was doing.

She told me that I was dissociating. That I had multiple personalities. In the counselors office. She told me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder

I still didn't run for the hills. What was I thinking?

I quickly realized that this was a sick psychological game that the borderline was playing. A sick game.

The counselor looked at me and queried, "do you think that you're doing this?"

"I don't remember doing this," I responded.

He said that he had no choice, but had to refer us to a counselor for evaluation and treatment. Later, he told me that the treatment was going nowhere and he needed to refer us to someone who could help move us along.

We then went to see Valerie, together and apart, for a full year. Learn about what happened with Valerie and my Dissociative Identity Disorder evaluation and treatment.

The Private Investigator--Twisted Reality

When I was dating the BPD, I traveled on business quite infrequently. Before the relationship was 1 year old, I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for business. She was not happy at all about it, and accused me of everything under the sun -- like I was going on this trip for some type of rendez vous with another woman.

Looking back at these things, they were so ridiculous, so downright goofy. With that said, they were the reality of the BPD, whether I like it or not.

So, I went away and did my business. I called the BPD regularly and spoke with her when I could. Overall, things were going okay -- just okay -- for the first two days. I was scheduled to leave on the morning of the third day, and suddenly things fell apart at 11 pm the night before I left.

I spoke with the BPD at 9 PM and she said that she needed to call me back -- she and the neighbor smelled natural gas and had the gas company investigating.

I never heard back from her. I got worried that she was okay. I eventually called the police and told them that I was worried. They called me back and said that they checked out the situation, and that she was there and fine.

More games. I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 2 am. She was in a rage, telling me that I was having phone sex the night before and talking with African American prostitutes on the phone. She told me that she "knew everything," then proceeded to fire off question after question about the night before.

All that I did the night before was speak with the BPD (she went to a concert so I spoke to her before she went and while she was going), speak with a lifelong friend and leave a message for an old co-worker. That's it.

We were up the entire evening, discussing the goings on the night before. She kept accusing me of doing things, which I continued to defend myself. I did not get any sleep, then had to fly back home.

I arrived back home to accusations of I don't know what, being hung up on repeatedly, and the locks changed in the place where I lived--with her. It got so bad that I told her that I was being so truthful that I was willing to take a polygraph test. She proceeded to try to find someone who would administer one.

She really believed I was lying to her so much that she wanted me to take a polygraph test. Again, her perception was that twisted.

For the wise, if you're required to take a polygraph by your partner, leave the relationship. There's no trust and little love in such a relationship.

Her sister called me at one point, then told me, "she wants to have a clean break." Game over, I guessed. I called my parents and had to stay with them. There was a bag of my stuff on the porch of where we lived. She had changed the locks, so I couldn't get anything else.

I drove to my parents, such a wounded soldier. I felt terrible. I never -- never -- want to feel that way again. Like I had done something wrong. No person deserves to feel the way that I did then.

The morning after she kicked me out, I went to a counselor that we both had seen together. The counselor was the first person that told me that she was a borderline. That's when I started figuring it all out.

It took me a year to get fully out, but this was the start.

I learned what happened after we reconciled, which took two days (she sent me a text message asking me to get my stuff, and when I stopped there, we reconciled). She told me that she had hired a private investigator. The investigator sat outside my hotel room, listened to my conversations (and transcribed them poorly), followed me out when I would go outside and smoke (I smoked back then -- they say smoking is anxiety -- I've stopped since then, thank the Lord -- I always hid my smoking, particularly in a professional environment), and that's about it.

The night that she flipped, she got the transcripts back and made them into some type of bad thing, which they weren't. My conversation with Chris was suddenly phone sex. She questioned me about who was this person, and who was this person. This interrogation would periodically re-appear throughout the relationship: "Who's Rhoda? Who's Fred (there was no fred)?" It was like she had the transcript and would periodically go back to it.

The shame of the matter is that she never had to do such a thing. The bigger shame is that I let it happen. This is a great example of having to give the BPD boundaries. The problem is that she had her family involved--she distrusted me so much that she told her sister, who recommended the Private Investigator.

That's all fine (not really), but the worst thing is that she was able to make something not bad into something bad.

They call that the BPD twist.

Healing Takes A Long Time

I read through my old posts and I sit here amazed at myself:

I thought that "The chapter was over" over a year ago?

I thought that all would be better and I could just move on after being in a relationship like this?

I thought that the trauma of what occurred in the relationship with the BPD would be over by now?

I thought wrong.

I haven't seen her since December 9, 2007. Two thousand seven. We're going on two years here. Yet she still haunts me. We were only together for a little less than two years.

It's nowhere, I mean nowhere, near what it was like a year ago, but there are times that I still think about her.

I don't really think about the good times. I think about what she did, how I lived through it, and how horrible it truly was. I'm still amazed at a lot of the things, and I can't believe that I stayed in the relationship despite the abuse. That's what a divorce does to you, though. I was still healing from the divorce and didn't want to admit another broken relationship.

The relationship was truly traumatic. The nicest person in the world who is constantly telling you that you're bad, you're doing things that you're not, you're sick and demented, you're twisted, etc., eventually breaks into you. They may not necessarily break you, but they break into you and scar you.

You do have a little post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to get balance back in your life. Be sure to heal fully, and go back to church. I would bet that many that are in relationships with borderlines have lost their spiritual foundation.

I'm still shedding the baggage from the relationship. It will be a little longer, but some day, I'll shed it.

One day at a time, boy. One day at a time.

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

The Chapter Ends

Well, it's time to close this chapter of my life. What a chapter it has been. I've grown more in the past few years than I have in the rest of my adult life, and I've emerged that person that I always wanted to be. I've renewed my faith in my religion, have gotten to a point of content, and have truly believed in myself and in the goodness of humanity once again.

As I'm reaching this point of being content and pushing out this positive energy, this positive energy attracts someone who's amazing, and someone who I knew over 20 years ago. I went to high school with her; we were acquaintances that were in similar, but always different circles.

We met on an online dating site and didn't realize that we knew one another or went to the same high school until we had been communicating for days. The initial attraction was there and was developing quickly without each of us knowing that we knew each other, but it all gelled -- quite quickly -- once we knew who each of us was.

The strange thing is that I remembered her voice, yet she said we never talked. I remembered it vividly. I also remembered the jacket she wore, although she said that we never talked. I remembered that vividly and remembered the people that she hung around with as well.

Despite the picture that I had in my head of her, she still looked a little different in the picture. When I saw her though, I knew that it was her - she looked the same except she dyed her hair blonde. What did she say to me? "You look exactly the same."

Since seeing each other the first time, we've spent quite a bit of time together. We spent an entire weekend together, away and playing on the beach.

We fit quite well together from every perspective. We have fun like there's no tomorrow, we laugh together, we love together; we are affectionate all the time, and we support one another. We have a true partnership, and the care that we have for one another emanates from us.

You Can Have a Healthy Relationship After A Borderline Relationship

I stayed in the relationship with the BPD for a long time because I was afraid that I would never have many of the things that I had with her. With my new partner, I have all of those things and more without any drama, dysfunction or abuse on me. It's all possible, if you do the work and believe in yourself.

I believed in myself, and it happened. Anyone who was in a relationship with a partner inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder can heal themselves and have a functional relationship after their relationship with the BPD, but they must properly heal themselves. It's probably the most difficult process that I've been through, but I now feel much better.

I've replaced most of the bad memories that the BPD had put into my head, but some will still emerge. When they do, I easily clear them and laugh about them quite regularly -- someone should never accuse you of sending text messages when you're going to the bathroom -- that's just silly.

Like I've said before, the relationship made me grow quite a bit. Now, it's time to develop a solid, functional relationship with a wonderful woman that shares my spirit, my soul, my faith, my love of life. We have infinite possibilities together, and we know that. We also have a long road ahead of us before our relationship can be permanent, but we're both optimistic, which is nice.

You can have a quite happy, healthy life after a relationship with a Borderline.

I hope you've enjoyed these journals and the story of this part of my life with a BPD. With that, I bid you adieu.

Birthday

Today's her birthday. She's 41. Happy birthday.

They say that it takes one year to fully heal from a relationship like this one. You have to go through the anniversaries, the holidays and the birthdays. I understand that.

Actually, the birthdays I spent with her were okay; they weren't wonderful. Last birthday, I got her 40 gifts for her 40th birthday. I know that a 40th birthday is supposed to be a big one, but unfortunately, she had kicked me out two weeks before and I had just moved back in the week before, so I wasn't able to plan any celebration for her. Not only that, she told me that her friends couldn't do anything because it was Mothers' Day weekend.

She made me feel bad anyway for not planning a huge celebration. We went to a local restaurant with her sister, parents (who were in town for her birthday) and kids, and she got drunk. Quite drunk. Her father wanted to talk to me later and tell me that I was an abusive man. My God, look at your daughter for once.

I still wonder how I could have planned a huge celebration when I didn't live with her before her birthday. I think that I moved back in a week before her birthday. Still, I managed to figure out 40 gifts for her that ranged from a golf bag and some special clubs to tickets to see a concert.

It still wasn't enough. Never enough for her. The woman was so selfish and so self-absorbed that it didn't matter what she did to me. All that mattered is what she felt. Her sister didn't plan a huge party. Her parents didn't have an enormous gathering brewing. She didn't kick them out of the house and refuse to communicate with them.

That was me. Yet I endured. I stuck with it. I jumped through hoops, being told that I was an abusive person by her father. And I took it, all in an effort to get her help and help her see.

I thought that she would see the light in time. I thought that a counselor would start treating her. No one ever did.

I now get to shed this baggage. I want it gone. I want the ill feelings gone. I want it all gone.

I never thought I'd say that, but the time has come.

Her birthday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Is was actually quite good. I met up with a group of friends by happenstance and going to see a band play. We couldn't find the bar, actually I couldn't find the bar because I knew where it was. We joked that it was like high school again when you were going to a party, and it really felt like this.

I realized that this is what my new life is like. I don't know what's happening day to day, and it's a life of uncertainty. But that's okay right now. The nice thing is that anything could happen, and it's pretty nice having this feeling right now.

I'm getting comfortable in my new life, and I'm about to make big changes and try to live my dream life. I'm also starting to look around at houses, and church is back in my life. I'm starting to really get it together. Nice feeling. A real nice feeling.

A day that I thought was going to be so tough ended up being okay. That's what I'm shooting for -- okay. Don't need the moon and the stars yet, just need a state of stability.

Now that's cool. The Me Project is working.

Intensive Care

I completely forgot about when I had to be admitted into Intensive Care in 2006. What a story...

On June 25, 2006 (not that I remember dates or anything), my exBPD and I were cleaning out her kitchen when I found a box of sandwich toothpicks, the ones with plastic tassels on the end of it. I also found straws and started blowing darts across the kitchen. The second dart, I put into the straw, and inhaled, getting ready to blow the dart across the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the dart went the wrong way.

When I inhaled through my mouth, the dart went into my mouth and down my throat. I swallowed hard, and the dart was gone.

I felt like the dart was sitting in the back of my throat, but it must have scratched my throat as it was going into my stomach. We called the hospital and they advised us to go right in.

I went to Somerset Medical Center and was checked out. A specialist came and gave me an Endoscopy, trying to get the toothpick out of my stomach.

The specialist couldn't get the toothpick out of my stomach. They said that I had eaten too much for lunch and couldn't find it. They told me to go home, and it should hopefully pass.

The next few days were relatively uneventful. I periodically checked to see if the toothpick had passed, and I'd periodically feel pains in my stomach, but didn't worry too much about it.

The following weekend was the fourth of July. We were scheduled to go to my friend's for a barbeque, then drive down to my place in Delaware to spend a weekend at the beach with all five of the kids. Fun for all. Unfortunately, I was in great pain at my friend's house, but hung tough. She drove down to Delaware because I was in such pain, and I decided that if necessary, I would go to the hospital down there. That evening, I was in great pain, but I decided to wait the night.

The next morning, I felt fine. We had a wonderful weekend in Delaware, and I wrote our Commitment Declaration, which we celebrated on the beach and had a great time overall.

We came back from Delaware on Tuesday, I believe. I felt fine. By the end of the week, however, I was in great pain whenever I urinated. On Friday, I went to the doctor, who said that I would need to go to the Emergency Room and get a CAT scan. They needed to see if they could find the toothpick.

I spent the entire night in the hospital and got two CAT scans. At 4 a.m., the doctor admitted me into the hospital -- Intensive Care. They wanted to watch me because they thought that the toothpick was floating in my body cavity. I had a fever and they put me on an IV right away.

In the morning, I prepped for my surgery, couldn't eat and had two operations.The first, which was like a colonoscopy (forget the name), produced nothing. The second was surgery where they went into my body and retrieved the toothpick.

In recovery, my lung collapsed. Back into Intensive Care I went for 2 more days.

The BPD was with me for much of the surgery, and she stayed with me the first night after my surgery. She was quite supportive overall, but of course, when I asked her to get my phone because I wanted to call my friend Mike, she suspected that I was going to call women.

Her anxiety got worse though. On the second night, when she was going to stay over, I was flipping TV stations and in my own world, according to her. I guess that I wasn't paying enough attention to her, so she was upset and she stormed out around 11 p.m. There I was, upset, and she had left because I wasn't paying any attention to her while I was in Intensive Care.

Does anyone see the problem with this?

The next day, I was moved out of Intensive Care, and my Mom was coming to see me. They (my parents) had been there through all of the surgery and the later days, but she was coming to see me. I asked her to stop at my house and pick up my laptop, as I had a credit card bill that was about to be late. She stopped and picked up the laptop, which caused yet more anxiety with the BPD. She thought that I was going to email others or reach out to people, I guess.

She came to the hospital upset and not happy with me. Anyway, I was released the following day, and we had 1-1/2 weeks to spend together as I was told to stay out of work by the doctor.

The Tour de France was on during this time, and I love the tour. An American was in contention, so I was particularly interested and I tried to watch it every day.

This again was not good. The BPD felt that I was so focused on the Tour and not paying enough attention to her. She was greatly upset by this.

Some of these episodes became the BPDs reasons for telling me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- because I did not pay enough attention to her or would focus on something other than her.

I returned to work after 2 weeks of being out. The BPD made the entire time, just like when I was in the hospital, about her. I couldn't recover and not pay attention to her, as the BPDs narcissistic tendencies make them the focus and require them to be the focus regardless of others' needs.

Looking back, I should have walked after the episode was over. How can someone justify walking out of another when they're in the hospital? That's downright abuse and something that I wish that I had brought up in counseling.

I told my coworker about this, and her response was appropriate: "That's not a sick person, that's just the most selfish, most immature person that you'll ever meet."

So true.

Good riddance.

Grace

At church on Sunday, Pastor talked about grace and how it has to flow freely from you. You need to be able to forgive others for their sins against you, and he cited a passage from the book of Acts. Tears ran down my face as I heard him say that. I feel real bad, but I'm having difficulty following the Lord in this instance.

I cannot forgive her for what she did. I just cannot forgive her.

The way she treated me, the way she acted just wasn't right. It was mean. It was heartless. It was not the way she told me she would treat me. She treated me much worse than she ever promised.

She was so hurtful. She did things with the intention of hurting, or with the intention of not being hurt herself. The world was all about her, and it was at my expense. I tried to show her who I really was, but she just never got it.

It didn't matter what I did or how I acted. She still was bent on the fact that I was bad. When I was there, I was the man in her eyes, but when I walked out the door, I was the devil.

Grudges were held not for months, but for years. She would cite things that happened early in the relationship that were not against her, but she thought that it was something against her, years later.

My children were hurt by her. Her children were hurt by her. The family was split apart because of her actions. I have not seen her girls since September because of her actions.

I am having difficulty forgiving her. All that I can do is pray that I can get the strength to forgive her, and hope that with time, I will be able to do this.

In time, I hope. In time...

Control & Boundaries

One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.

The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.

Boundaries Are CRITICAL

One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.

Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.

Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.

Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem

Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.

2 Years When The Girls Met

My daughter just told me, "This is the two year anniversary of when we first met." April 23, 2006, they all first met. She misses the girls dearly.

These are the things that I resent the BPD for. My poor daughter has to go through so much pain because of the BPDs issues. That's a shame, and ultimately not fair for my daughter.

I wonder if the BPDs girls miss my daughter. I bet they do.

The saddest thing is that my daughter holds the date so special that she remembered it. In the BPDs world, I used to tell her about all the dates that we had -- our first date, our first everything, and she couldn't even tell me how long she dated any of her previous boyfriends. All dates were fuzzy and not defined.

Looking back, I don't think that she could remember the lies that she told me, so she didn't want to be pinned down. I trusted her blindly, and she took full advantage.

I wonder if the BPD's daughters tell the BPD that they miss her. I bet they don't. I bet that she doesn't allow them to talk about me or my kids.

I feel so bad for my daughter. She said that she sent the youngest girl a Happy Birthday message over the Internet. My little girl has such a good heart, and she misses them so dearly.

I wish I could do something for her to ease my daughter's pain as a result of this breakup. Unfortunately, there's nothing that I can do.

With a borderline breakup, there are many casualties. Families are broken apart, and the BPD creates a situation where no contact can be maintained. It's not like a normal relationship because of the splitting that occurs in the mind of the BPD.

Yet another shame. No one should be so hurt by another human beings, particularly my little girl.

Paranoid

One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.



I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!




*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

Believe

I can't believe that I never wrote about Believe. Believe was a word that I used to use all the time with the her. She was constantly accusing me of deceiving her, cheating on her, and the like, and I was constantly countering her with "I'd never do that to you, I care about you too much," "I'm only into you," and the like. I spent my life trying to make her feel comfortable in the relationship.

I devoted myself to helping her believe in the relationship.
I wanted her to believe in my love for her.
I wanted her to believe in what we had and how it was so special. I felt that it was special.

I wanted her to change her attitude from being so negative to a positive one. I bought her books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret," and the like. I've always been positive and have had such positive thoughts, so I could overcome most of her negativity.

With time, even I was overcome by her negativity.

Looking back at the relationship, I held on because I viewed the relationship as so pure, so innocent and such pure love, while I think by exBPD, in her mind, was viewing everything as so ugly.

She just wasn't telling me and letting me have my reality. This way, she's not alone, and I'm out on Cloud 9. I used to tell her that when we were apart and she would be suffering from separation anxiety (as I termed it), I'd be sitting at work on Cloud 9 from the amazing night before.

I compensated for her twisted, crazy reality of suspicion, mistrust and misery by being gregarious, warm and loving, pulling her out of her abyss on a regular basis and bringing her into my world -- my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world.

I always believed that one day, she would realize what she had and who I was. Of course, she didn't. I moved out after giving her a timeline to get her act together. After I moved out, she couldn't control me, and her mind went off the wall. I thought we would last two weeks when
I moved out, and we lasted two months.

What I've realized is that warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is mine. She put her misery on me, and I've been healing from that, but my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is coming back. She goes back to her misery, and I go back to optimism, beauty and positive energy.

I went above and beyond with her on a regular basis, trying to get her to believe in the relationship and what we had. While we never married (she got too much from the government and that would have been cut off), I created a formal Commitment Declaration. This indicated our love for one another, rules of the relationship and commitment to being exclusive to the relationship, which we both signed, put rings on one another's fingers.

God, I tried like I've never tried before. Tears are in my eyes as I think about the efforts that I went through with her. I believed in what we had, and I believed in her.

Within a week, she had violated rules of the commitment, checking my email account or one of the other rules that I explicitly stated. Within one month, she ripped up the Commitment Declaration and threw it in the garbage. Within six months when she kicked me out of her house the second time, she and her daughters (BPDs use the kids as weapons) ceremoniously disposed of the ring by throwing it out somewhere.

She also threw the Believe plaque out multiple times, and I would retrieve it from the garbage. I actually still have it hanging in my house -- when I last saw her and she stormed out of my house, right before she left, she took the plaque off the wall and threw it in the garbage one last time; I, of course, removed it. Again.

When I bought a new cell phone, I put a picture of a sunrise in the background with the word Believe on it. To this day, I still have the Believe background on my phone, nearly two years after I first put it there. In the end, the Believe has been for me:
- I believe in the beauty of human beings, even after this experience
- I believe in pure love
- I believe in the innocence that human has
- I believe in the power of positive energy
- I believe that this world is a beautiful place and every day should be celebrated

I will keep the Believe Plaque for as long as I live. When times are hard, sometimes we have to remind ourselves to believe and not stop. The worst thing to be is a hardened, callous person. You repel people from you instead of pulling them in.

Everyone needs to believe. If we did, think about how much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.

Peace

"You're back to yourself," my ex wife said to me, "even your daughter said something to me about how you don't yell anymore."

I yelled? I have no recollection of yelling at my kids. So I asked them, and sure enough, they confirmed that I yelled at them.

This was when I was in the relationship with the BPD. As it turns out, I would yell at my kids quite often. My oldest said, "that's because you were always fighting with her (the BPD)."

"You guys would fight every night, when we went to bed," my daughter chimed in.

Holy crap. I forgot about that. I forgot about how I felt back then. All I wanted was to make peace; that's all I ever wanted.

All we did was fight, day and night. She never was happy with me. I always did something wrong, from taking too long when I went out to accusations of sleeping with someone else. There were so many other accusations that I'm starting to forget them, thank God.

For the most part, I would stand up for myself. Sometimes, I would just ignore them, and other times, I would accept them. What else do you do? You just want the accusations to go away. You try everything in your power to make them go away.

They don't go away. They only get worse in time.

They only get worse. My God, how could they get worse?

She controlled my every move. She knew when I was going anywhere, whether it be leaving work, going to get my kids, going to take lunch, whatever it may be. And that still wasn't enough. She even said to me once when I told her that she knows my every move, "that's impossible, no one knows someone's every move."

She knew my every move. Yet it still wasn't enough.

Now I understand why I was so angry. Having someone controlling your every move and still not being happy will eventually rip you apart. It will rip you into pieces and make you so frustrated. That's how I got - super-frustrated.

My poor kids. The reason why I wanted to be in a relationship after my marriage was to show them what a healthy couple looks like, what a happy couple looks like. Then I meet the BPD and I show them a world of Oz where I spend less time with them than when I was with their mother.

Now, they have me back. They have "Father of The Year" that focuses on the kids, keeps them active and engaged, and plays with them. I'm the Dad that plays with my kids, I don't watch them play.

They learn from me and my example. The relationship with the BPD was not a good example, but it was less than two years. The whole family still hurts, but in time, it will be better.

Time heals all wounds.

Shine

I remember when the relationship with the BPD began, she told me about this song that she loved called Shine, a song that's absolutely beautiful, but is about a relationship ending. Looking back, it was foreshadowing for the relationship itself:


I can see it in your eyes
what I know in my heart is true
that our love it has faded
like the summer run through
and we'll walk down the shoreline
one last time together
feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
like a feather
but who knows what's waiting
in the wings of time
dry your eyes
we're gonna go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious
and the season so fast
and hey, no matter how cold the horizon appears
or how far the first night
when I held you near
we're gonna rise from these ashes
like a bird aflame
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine
(na na na na na na na na, shine)

And for all that we struggle
for all we pretend
you know, you know, you know it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
step out of the shadow
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
moonfoam and silver

- David Gray



The funny thing is that I am going to go where I can shine now. Before the relationship with the BPD, something was missing in me. I thought that the BPD was missing, but what was missing is in me. It was that self-acceptance, that contentment, that the BPD sniffed out and hammered me about. I have been in the fire, and I have emerged as steel. No longer 'soft' a solid character with confidence in myself. What a good feeling.

I wrote about this in an early blog, years ago: http://www.dennissuler.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/26

Even looking back at that blog, I was so politically correct, so 'not' me. Time changes you, your attitudes and what's important. It's nice to be me again.

This song told me many things about this woman that I chose not to listen:
- She was emotionally unavailable. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out there, so I'll post more about this in the future.
- She had a fatalistic attitude and would not see herself in a relationship long-term. In her mind, the relationship was ending before it began
- She has so much self-loathing that she's just foreshadowing.

If I only knew those things in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved. However, like I wrote earlier, the BPD actually helped me learn quite a bit about myself and helped me ultimately work through those issues in an indirect way. I thank her for that. I'm now the man that I want to be (I've written this before also, but I'm really feeling it) and about to step into my place in the world.

The funny thing is that although I would thank the BPD for helping me become this person, I could never have done it with her. She was too insecure and controlling to let me be my true self, exposing my soul to the world.

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm going to go where I can shine. I hope she gets there someday.

Fallen

I heard a song today that reminded me of my life after I separated with my now ex wife. I remember having so much shame about leaving the marriage that this song typified what I was feeling. I never dealt with that, I just kept moving forward until I met the BPD two years later.



Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me from the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know

So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals

The lonely light of morning
The wound that will not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
[these lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com]
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

-- Sarah McLaughlin



I was primed for a relationship with a BPD. I was better than when I felt like this, but only a little better.

The BPD pumped me up, made me feel great when I was going through so much difficulty with the marriage ending. I wanted to build another family and I wanted one fast. Replace what you have and then life is back to normal. She gave me everything that I wanted. Once she had me hooked, she put her misery on me, slowly but surely.