The Borderline Twist Revisited: How To Deal With The Borderline Twist

I've received many comments and questions about the Borderline Twist. Until you have it happen to you, you don't know what it is. Some call it revisionist history, some call it changing reality, some call it twisting the truth, some call it changing the facts.

It's the Borderline Twist.

Reality Changes, Right In Front of Your Eyes
You've seen it happen, an event or a past event or chain of events. Suddenly (or not so suddenly if it's being used as ammunition in a fight), the borderline in your life starts telling you about the events, and it's completely different than how you remember it.

There's nothing more frustrating than this. Absolutely nothing. Why?

You can't do a thing about the borderline in your life changing reality. They've just told you that the chain of events is different than what you remember.

For the normal person, when this first starts happening in the relationship, they question themselves and their own sanity? Am I losing it? Could I not remember how things like this happened?

You start to doubt yourself. This is the borderline's first way of getting into you and eroding your self-confidence. It's a slow process, but you may fall for it.

Three Sides of a Story -- NOT
For a while, I thought that there were three sides of a story. My ex wife and I were completely different, and we saw things differently -- we saw the world differently. This wasn't true though. The fact was that there is one truth, and while we may see things differently and even interpret things differently, the facts are just that, facts. No one can change a course of events.

Intention Giving
The worst thing about the Borderline Twist and borderlines changing the facts right in front of your face is that they usually go to the next level. Not only do they change history, they give you intentions of wanting to do something against them. They loathe themselves so much that they give you intentions of wrongdoing against them. For them, this justifies their feelings of intense emptiness and abandonment.

If you're like me, you cannot battle with this. They tell you that you did this against them, but it was anything but the truth. The problem is that their feelings are their feelings, so you can't take their feelings away from them. You can't say to them, "I didn't make you feel like that," because they do feel like that.

This is the essence of the Borderline Twist. The Borderline feels chronically empty, bad, and loathes themselves. They change history and reality to make you or someone else the reason for their feelings of chronic emptiness.

Unfortunately, there is little if anything that you can do to make the borderline feel better. They will cycle out of their episode, but this could take some time. When the borderline would twist something that I said, did, didn't do or say, all I could say is, "I never intended to make you feel like this."

This was a critical misstep on my part. This illustrates typical Non codependency as I have now become responsible for the Borderline's well-being. I am not responsible for making anyone else feel any certain way. We are all responsible for our own well being.

It's an easy trap to fall into. Heck, I did and suffered the consequences.

Why?
Think about a borderline's makeup -- they have never fully matured, so part of their mind is like a 12-year-old. They feel incredibly bad about themselves; so bad that they need to prove to others that they should be alone.

When things aren't that bad, how do you make it that they are?

You twist reality so it's all against you. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy on steroids, because you've made it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

View it like a child is telling you a fairytale -- an outright lie. Viewing the event and their changing history as such, then addressing the borderline like they had just lied changes your outlook.

It will take time to start changing your outlook, but using these tools should help you preserve your self-worth

How To Address The Borderline Twist

First, if you see someone twisting reality in your life, say to them, "we just remember what happened differently." If they start trying to convince you that you remembered the event differently, something is wrong.

Second, if you see that the borderline is consistently changing history and the fights are continuing to escalate, re-examine the relationship? Do you want this? If you feel that you can't get out, find coping mechanisms such as leaving the conversation, going elsewhere for a while, taking a break from the conversation and so on.

Next, you need to have boundaries. Don't let someone force revised history on you. Tell them that you do not remember the event like that and that you have to agree to disagree.

Finally, do not take responsibility for another person's well being or happiness. If you think you're becoming responsible for another person's happiness, check out some books on codependency.

Not Your Responsibility
You don't need to accept responsibility when the borderline in your life changes history. The Borderline Twist is something that can be difficult to deal with, but recognizing it when it happens and dealing with it appropriately will make it much easier to address.

Good luck!

The Private Investigator--Twisted Reality

When I was dating the BPD, I traveled on business quite infrequently. Before the relationship was 1 year old, I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for business. She was not happy at all about it, and accused me of everything under the sun -- like I was going on this trip for some type of rendez vous with another woman.

Looking back at these things, they were so ridiculous, so downright goofy. With that said, they were the reality of the BPD, whether I like it or not.

So, I went away and did my business. I called the BPD regularly and spoke with her when I could. Overall, things were going okay -- just okay -- for the first two days. I was scheduled to leave on the morning of the third day, and suddenly things fell apart at 11 pm the night before I left.

I spoke with the BPD at 9 PM and she said that she needed to call me back -- she and the neighbor smelled natural gas and had the gas company investigating.

I never heard back from her. I got worried that she was okay. I eventually called the police and told them that I was worried. They called me back and said that they checked out the situation, and that she was there and fine.

More games. I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 2 am. She was in a rage, telling me that I was having phone sex the night before and talking with African American prostitutes on the phone. She told me that she "knew everything," then proceeded to fire off question after question about the night before.

All that I did the night before was speak with the BPD (she went to a concert so I spoke to her before she went and while she was going), speak with a lifelong friend and leave a message for an old co-worker. That's it.

We were up the entire evening, discussing the goings on the night before. She kept accusing me of doing things, which I continued to defend myself. I did not get any sleep, then had to fly back home.

I arrived back home to accusations of I don't know what, being hung up on repeatedly, and the locks changed in the place where I lived--with her. It got so bad that I told her that I was being so truthful that I was willing to take a polygraph test. She proceeded to try to find someone who would administer one.

She really believed I was lying to her so much that she wanted me to take a polygraph test. Again, her perception was that twisted.

For the wise, if you're required to take a polygraph by your partner, leave the relationship. There's no trust and little love in such a relationship.

Her sister called me at one point, then told me, "she wants to have a clean break." Game over, I guessed. I called my parents and had to stay with them. There was a bag of my stuff on the porch of where we lived. She had changed the locks, so I couldn't get anything else.

I drove to my parents, such a wounded soldier. I felt terrible. I never -- never -- want to feel that way again. Like I had done something wrong. No person deserves to feel the way that I did then.

The morning after she kicked me out, I went to a counselor that we both had seen together. The counselor was the first person that told me that she was a borderline. That's when I started figuring it all out.

It took me a year to get fully out, but this was the start.

I learned what happened after we reconciled, which took two days (she sent me a text message asking me to get my stuff, and when I stopped there, we reconciled). She told me that she had hired a private investigator. The investigator sat outside my hotel room, listened to my conversations (and transcribed them poorly), followed me out when I would go outside and smoke (I smoked back then -- they say smoking is anxiety -- I've stopped since then, thank the Lord -- I always hid my smoking, particularly in a professional environment), and that's about it.

The night that she flipped, she got the transcripts back and made them into some type of bad thing, which they weren't. My conversation with Chris was suddenly phone sex. She questioned me about who was this person, and who was this person. This interrogation would periodically re-appear throughout the relationship: "Who's Rhoda? Who's Fred (there was no fred)?" It was like she had the transcript and would periodically go back to it.

The shame of the matter is that she never had to do such a thing. The bigger shame is that I let it happen. This is a great example of having to give the BPD boundaries. The problem is that she had her family involved--she distrusted me so much that she told her sister, who recommended the Private Investigator.

That's all fine (not really), but the worst thing is that she was able to make something not bad into something bad.

They call that the BPD twist.

The Borderline Twist

There's a new dance out there and it goes like this,
Let's all do the Borderline Twist!

Okay, maybe it's not the best dance, but it's something that I just learned about, but I had it happen to me all the time. They call it "The Borderline Twist" and it's something that those afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder do on a regular basis.

The Borderline Twist Defined
The Borderline Twist occurs when a BPD takes an event and literally changes it. They change history to fit their twisted theories, thoughts and fears. It occurs all the time and is a big problem for the Non in the relationship with the BPD. Why?
- As a Non in a relationship with a BPD, your life is constantly in turmoil as reality is changed in front of your eyes
- Over time, you begin to question your own sanity
- You realize that you can NEVER have a stable relationship with a BPD -- no matter what, history will be changed in front of your eyes so the BPD will think that you are bad.

I had this happen to me quite regularly with the BPD. She would change facts in front of my eyes. Things that I KNOW that I did not say, she would accuse me of saying. Man, it was brutal.

The worst thing is that I always treated her with respect, so when she would accuse me of these things, I would try to work with her on these issues and explain that I would not ever do or say such things. It didn't matter; she BELIEVED that I did those things.

A Different Reality
Those with BPD have a different reality than the rest of the world. The world is a scary place, and it is so scary that their fears rule their life. The only way that BPDs can successfully address these issues is through Dialectic Behavioral Therapy where they actually learn reality and have "safe people" that will tell them reality. Unfortunately, most Borderlines never admit their problems, shift responsibility to others and take no accountability for their actions.

If you are in a relationship with a BPD and see the Borderline Twist occurring regularly, you need to decide if you can live with such behaviors and instability. Those with low self esteem may be able to live with it; those that are confident will only be able to tolerate it for a certain period of time, before they decide to move on.