The Borderline Twist Revisited: How To Deal With The Borderline Twist

I've received many comments and questions about the Borderline Twist. Until you have it happen to you, you don't know what it is. Some call it revisionist history, some call it changing reality, some call it twisting the truth, some call it changing the facts.

It's the Borderline Twist.

Reality Changes, Right In Front of Your Eyes
You've seen it happen, an event or a past event or chain of events. Suddenly (or not so suddenly if it's being used as ammunition in a fight), the borderline in your life starts telling you about the events, and it's completely different than how you remember it.

There's nothing more frustrating than this. Absolutely nothing. Why?

You can't do a thing about the borderline in your life changing reality. They've just told you that the chain of events is different than what you remember.

For the normal person, when this first starts happening in the relationship, they question themselves and their own sanity? Am I losing it? Could I not remember how things like this happened?

You start to doubt yourself. This is the borderline's first way of getting into you and eroding your self-confidence. It's a slow process, but you may fall for it.

Three Sides of a Story -- NOT
For a while, I thought that there were three sides of a story. My ex wife and I were completely different, and we saw things differently -- we saw the world differently. This wasn't true though. The fact was that there is one truth, and while we may see things differently and even interpret things differently, the facts are just that, facts. No one can change a course of events.

Intention Giving
The worst thing about the Borderline Twist and borderlines changing the facts right in front of your face is that they usually go to the next level. Not only do they change history, they give you intentions of wanting to do something against them. They loathe themselves so much that they give you intentions of wrongdoing against them. For them, this justifies their feelings of intense emptiness and abandonment.

If you're like me, you cannot battle with this. They tell you that you did this against them, but it was anything but the truth. The problem is that their feelings are their feelings, so you can't take their feelings away from them. You can't say to them, "I didn't make you feel like that," because they do feel like that.

This is the essence of the Borderline Twist. The Borderline feels chronically empty, bad, and loathes themselves. They change history and reality to make you or someone else the reason for their feelings of chronic emptiness.

Unfortunately, there is little if anything that you can do to make the borderline feel better. They will cycle out of their episode, but this could take some time. When the borderline would twist something that I said, did, didn't do or say, all I could say is, "I never intended to make you feel like this."

This was a critical misstep on my part. This illustrates typical Non codependency as I have now become responsible for the Borderline's well-being. I am not responsible for making anyone else feel any certain way. We are all responsible for our own well being.

It's an easy trap to fall into. Heck, I did and suffered the consequences.

Why?
Think about a borderline's makeup -- they have never fully matured, so part of their mind is like a 12-year-old. They feel incredibly bad about themselves; so bad that they need to prove to others that they should be alone.

When things aren't that bad, how do you make it that they are?

You twist reality so it's all against you. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy on steroids, because you've made it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

View it like a child is telling you a fairytale -- an outright lie. Viewing the event and their changing history as such, then addressing the borderline like they had just lied changes your outlook.

It will take time to start changing your outlook, but using these tools should help you preserve your self-worth

How To Address The Borderline Twist

First, if you see someone twisting reality in your life, say to them, "we just remember what happened differently." If they start trying to convince you that you remembered the event differently, something is wrong.

Second, if you see that the borderline is consistently changing history and the fights are continuing to escalate, re-examine the relationship? Do you want this? If you feel that you can't get out, find coping mechanisms such as leaving the conversation, going elsewhere for a while, taking a break from the conversation and so on.

Next, you need to have boundaries. Don't let someone force revised history on you. Tell them that you do not remember the event like that and that you have to agree to disagree.

Finally, do not take responsibility for another person's well being or happiness. If you think you're becoming responsible for another person's happiness, check out some books on codependency.

Not Your Responsibility
You don't need to accept responsibility when the borderline in your life changes history. The Borderline Twist is something that can be difficult to deal with, but recognizing it when it happens and dealing with it appropriately will make it much easier to address.

Good luck!